Trauma RP feedback.

["The Asshole" Whitey Ford]

This is something we're sorely lacking. I used to enjoy reading rp feedback and it let me know where I could do better, and it's really nice to know when someone enjoys your work.

So I promise that later tonight or tomorrow day, I'm going to give feedback on every rp this cycle. Also, I think it'd be nice if people gsbe some feedback as well. Even if its notbom every piece.

[The Anarchist]

The output for this cycle was fantastic. Good job, guys. In times of so much political bullshit (I’ll save that topic for some other time. Going to have PLENTY of opportunities I’m sure), PCW is a nice escape from it all. These last couple of Trauma’s have been stacked with PPV caliber matches, and with one just right around the corner, the tone has been set.

Seeing as Dustin was kind enough to create the thread, I’ll start with his and then work my way from Grimm to Kelli Starr. There are eleven of these to cover, so I’ll break things up. I will try my hardest not to get long winded, but as always, no promises. Note that I rarely have anything negative to say, unless it's something truly glaring. I prefer to highlight things I really liked and make random observations. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to write their stories and do my best to honor that with my feedback style.

Make A Difference.
Ok. The first thing I thought of upon seeing the title, was that failed gimmick of Fatu’s from mid-90’s WWF (anyone remember that crap? I think it happened in 1995. Not exactly a banner year for gimmicks, although it did give up Barry Horowitz picking up a couple of wins). The return of Whitey Ford is actually my first exposure to what he’s about. I’ve read threads about his previous run, so am aware of the legend. No idea if this is first time as a face or not, and really, it doesn’t matter. Because “The Asshole” is VERY entertaining.

Before I go any further: #EmilioEstevez.

His opening sentence, “I grew up where the wind hurts my face. Now I work where Grimm hurts my face” had a nice touch to it. That nasty snow storm worked really well for RP fodder, and as Whitey went on his never ending quest against Mother Nature, in search of beer, it made me think of Tallahassee’s journey for those God damn Twinkies in Zombieland. I had a blast picturing this playing out as I read.

“His breath didn’t only smell like booze; it even got the cashier drunk.” was hilarious. That is one way of explaining how over the legal limit he may have been. Not to be lost is, “A nice big bushel of ass kicking” which also elicited a laugh. The heart of this was his interaction with some random former fan. Their banter was hilarious and I can’t help but wonder if it may be drawn off someone in real life. Because I would certainly believe it. This was an overall excellent piece of work, Mr. Ford. I can see why you carry the reputation you do when it comes to material and imo, I think it’s only a matter of time (sooner, not later) before we see you in the World Title picture.

Old blood noise endeavors
Fresh off introducing his shovel to the faces of his upcoming foe, and the poor sap who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, we have the always thought provoking work of Grimm. I’ve never hidden the fact how much of a fan I am of Nate’s work, and that won’t be any different here. His prose is poetic. The man just has a way of wording things, that really sets a chilling tone in places. Really looking forward to not only the upcoming match with Whitey, but also your quest for a SIXTH World Title reign.

Is that an official record?

I’m going to to cite the first paragraph, because it sets a strong tone and begs to question how much of a leaf Mr. Ford has truly turned over.

“Maybe you’re clean, maybe you aren’t. And maybe you’ve managed so far to resist your natural inclination for blatant, rampant cheating. None of this proves anything. There’s nothing new under the sun. I can no more shave my beard or a leopard change its spots than some do “good” who are accustomed to wickedness. Whether nature or nurture, it’s your lot. Sure, sitting and watching your opponents wear each other down is perfectly legal and may be considered “smart” in some circles, but there will be no sitting this week.”

But there will be no sitting this week. Highlight that, because Grimm is bringing the fight. That match is going to be awesome. Anyway…

The atmosphere provided is top notch. I really enjoyed his interaction with Ruth and continued insight on what Grimm is thinking about Whitey. One bit I found particularly interesting, and whether it pertains to the roster or something at work in his story remains to be seen (I don’t want to assume. But I AM engaged to the thought of what it could be) is this:

Granny looked up from the bowl. “Unnatural forces are on the move. The time for foolishness in Hangtown is over. We can’t afford to allow things to play out and resolve themselves on their own anymore. The occasional act of judgment is no longer enough. You need to put everyone on notice: we’re purging the bad humors.”

Interesting stuff there.

The Warrior Rises Again
Welcome back, Welcome Back, Welcome Baaack, Hiroshi Yukio. Last time we saw the sumo in action (Idr the exact date) he was getting shelved by Alexa Black in brutal (as if it would be any other way) fashion. So it’s good to see this character once more.

I liked the kimono details. Good color choice, too.

“It had been a long time since he had been in that ring in front of a packed house of the PCW faithful. The faithful who had been with him and behind him since day one. He knew in his heart that he couldn’t give up on them and himself. He had come too far and fought to much to just give up and go home.”

One thing I noticed during the read through, is how much more connected you are with the material. Not that you had many issues prior, but (and maybe it has just been awhile), this was well focused and written out. I know sometimes with new ideas, it takes a few RP’s to really get a foothold. But Yukio is popular within the fed (wasn’t he an Underground Champ as well?), so I’m glad you’ve decided to bring him back. I also appreciate the continuity of what Alexa and The Darkness did. Whenever you decide to bring her back, a tailor made feud is right there. Good job, Simon! And best of luck in your match this week.

There Is A Light That Doesn’t Go Out
And here we have the identity thief himself, Kyle Shane. I have my fingers crossed that the story between he, Olivia Xavier and (at some point Dan Fierce) continues on Trauma. The segments were true highlights for me, and for whatever reason, I found the disposal of Dan’s butterfly wallet hysterical. The upcoming title match with Olivia should be a fun one. The outcome could go either way, but given his advances towards her, there is an added wrinkle past the fact it’s two people beating the hell out of one another for Underground gold.

I really like the Kyle Shane character as a whole. Novelized reads usually are no problem for me to go from start to finish, especially when they can consistently keep my attention throughout. Which yours do. So kudos to that. This bit caught my eye for the way it was put, “and she collapsed into the arms of a tall, necky, baby-faced savior...Or creepy cradle robber, depended on your point of view.” Good transition, with both sides of the coin represented. As I did prior, there is section I’m going to highlight as something that really stood out. I think it nicely binded together the material that came before it.

“Maybe the fact was that to him, Array was just another conquest. Another trophy unlocked. Another little milestone. It explained why he moved so fast when he wasn’t tied down, why his stories in the WGWF always revolved around an ever expanding roster of one and done girls. Kyle Shane saw people as NPC, side quests for him to active and conquer. It was his coping mechanism. Kyle Shane was all coping mechanism, all he did was game, and drug, and fuck. Because those were cheap, easy distractions, and they numbed his mind so that he wouldn’t have to think about the real demon in his room. He did it to Array, and she had fallen for him hard. And now he was doing it again in the PCW, moving on to another cheap conquest, at least in his mind. Another cheap and easy trophy for him to unlock. Only she wasn’t going to let that happen. She wasn’t going to let him try and turn Olivia Xavier into another Array Kadeema. Too many times Kyle’s coping mechanisms, his darker instincts, had broken those around him, while he just went on, as aloof and uncaring as a lighthouse in a storm.”

I also highlighted all of that, because it adds an extra layer to the early seeds of your story with Olivia. Further down the RP, we (the reader) get to see exactly what is going through his mind and what could be the reason of pursuit. How it plays out is TBD. But it is something that has my attention. Awesome work here. Keep up the good work.

Those Moments
Rick Majors’ effort this week had some powerful introspection. The emotional weight of his loss to Seromine carried across the entire write. Things are grounded in realism here, which having approached that style myself pre-Seromine, is really cool to see. He’s up against father time and feels as if he’s roller skating backwards and unable to re-find himself after a strong end to 2016. Fragile. Emotionally fragile is the term I’m looking for. Rick not only was defeated in the ring, but its translating into defeat outside of it as well. I loved the depth he was willing to go to soul search and question if things were worth it anymore. The theme of sacrifice was also prevalent. The listed accomplishments (recent) was a good bit of transition to highlight this sudden fall from grace he’s finding himself on. A win could change everything back around for the better, but when that happens is anyone’s guess (IC).

Rick Majors can’t beat champions.

Rick Majors can’t be a champion.

One thing I learned from this, is you’ve never had any gold here in PCW. That caught me by total surprise, as I thought for sure you had. But it only underscored his plight. The RP was capped off by enduring hope and determination:

“He’s not ready to lay down and die. Not yet. He’s not about to surrender. Not now. He will endure. And, one day, he will triumph.”

chapter two| sleepwalking
And now I have reached Olivia Xavier. First, in case I didn’t say it previously, welcome back!

The storyline remarks I made with Kyle Shane, also apply here. I get the sense that OX...yeah, I better not abbreviate the name, Olivia is a strong minded, independent, take-no-shit, ass kicker (the trash talk stuff really shows off she isn’t falling for Kyle’s bull for a second). I’m curious to see how Olivia’s story unfolds with each passing RP, as details on her past are kept very minimal atm (not a bad thing, adds intrigue). The dissection of the gift basket was fun. I chuckled at (Read: junk). The attached note from “Dan Fierce” was a good give away…

and then came the rushing burst of anger, with a dissection of Kyle Shane’s personality. Which I’m sure will carry over into the ring, thus adding some volatility to the matter at hand. Again, I’m invested in how things go between you both. I won’t cover the harshness of Olivia’s anger, other than to say there are some real winning barbs in there, lol. Oh, wait! Yes I am. This one had me laughing:

“I’d ask if you were for real, but it’s clear that you’re just real fucking clueless. Alicia Silverstone in Clueless has more of an idea of how the world works than you do, for fuck’s sakes—and that’s an understatement!”

#AsIf
#Whateverhappenedtoher?

“I mean how, how can you have expected this to go anywhere but sideways? In what crevice of your rectal passage did you get the idea that I’d enjoy anything to do with this?”

Lol, rectal passage. Ok, I lied. There are a few things I’m highlighting. The description of what she intends to do with his limbs and how was really good. I pictured her relishing every single second of describing this happening. Get the popcorn ready, folks. As Nazareth once famously sung, “Love Hurts.”

Even if the emotion is one sided.

["The Asshole" Whitey Ford]

Dude. How can I follow that? Hahaha! Awesome feedback man. And yes, the fan in the gas station is based on someone I recently met.

I was also blackout drunk at this point. It's a phenomenon, I write my best when I'm drunk, I just kinda improv around a general idea. I'll have my feedback in a few.

["The Asshole" Whitey Ford]

Tomorrow guys. Night got busy!

[Alexa Black]

Yes Hiroshi was a former Underground Champion and he did quite well in that divison. As for this time around we will just have to see what happens...

[The Anarchist]

And like the title of Dokken’s fourth album I’m Back for the Attack! I have five left to cover, but before I get to that…

Whitey: Hahaha, I thought so. It came across as feeling like it actually happened. Your fact about writing while writing beyond drunk is interesting. It never ever felt that way, so that’s pretty awesome man. I also thank you for the compliment on my feedback.

Yukio: My memory didn’t let me down then, lol.

And now for the remainder.

Star of Babylon – Lust: Chapter 03
First up, the wonderful world(s) of Nathan Saniti. Right out of the gate you got me fist pumping with an Eagles reference. I thought it was a clever use of their best known album title. Equal applause for Ms. Starr on name dropping Don Henley, who had (has? I have to see if he still tours) a good solo career also.

As a lover of the Arts, this spoke right to my heart:
“You see, this place...is a conglomeration of all that has been artistically created. Stories, song, poetry, and other forms of art become their own words. Mr. Henley’s songs are no exception. It’s an archive of sorts.”

One of my absolute favorite things about your work, is the output of bizarre creativity. The worlds, the assorted characters, sometimes even the speeches. I feel like I should make a legend just to keep track of it all, hahaha. We talk often enough that I have somewhat of an idea of things to come. Even if its just a random fleeting idea (as I’m prone to throw out on occasion), it still adds to the excitement of how your stories progress and build from one place to another. Here we have the returning Baron Samedi, who was last seen on a trip to New Orleans (see? I remember).

The reply from an undead minion was humorous, in particular his jaw loosening. I should take back minion, as I know who Joey Handy is. So this should be fun to see play out as you progress.

“A zombie not needing to eat is good.” hahaha.

Resurgence:: 1
Following Nathan, we have his opponent this week (pre-empted last show) in the returning badass AND new mother herself, Eira. I’m happy Kris was able to post an RP with her. I know there was some concern about having to put her back on the shelf, but such isn’t the case this week. I’ll start with the fact she now has a child, as I’m curious to see how that aspect plays with not only her, but The Order and Murdoc.

As with Whitey, we have another facing the wrath of Mother Nature, who just won’t let up with the snow. Tomato soup with grilled cheese = classic. I really enjoy the parenting on display throughout. I don’t know how much real life experience has found its way in, but that’s besides the point. It rocks to see (it also is making me think of what characters also have children).

“The grilled cheese. That’s Nathan’s thing, isn’t it?”

“I guess it is, isn’t it? I mean, the catering table didn’t really start stocking them til he showed up.”

And here’s where the concern I mentioned shows in the RP (nicely done btw).

“Compete. You’ve seen me the last two shows. I just seem to be getting worse rather than better.”

Murdoc leans back in his chair, regarding her with an amused sort of calm. “You know you’ve said this before, right? You told me you didn’t think you could do it. You told me you’d never get there.” he shrugs. “You told me all this, and you won the World Championship before I did.”

“And? I’ve been gone a year, and I haven’t felt ready either time back in the ring.”

Vulnerable and honest. I’m looking forward to seeing how the match with Nathan plays out, as I like the contrast. WILL Eira continue to have rust? She had an excellent outing with Whitey that could be revisited down the road, so it’ll be interesting to see what happens on Trauma.

“So what do I do from here? How am I supposed to beat him when I can’t even tell which version of him it’s going to be?” (good insight, fair question) “Or his – friends? Harvesters? I can’t even pretend to know what the hell THAT’S all about.”

Hahaha, a Seromine reference being snuck in. I am so dead LOL jk jk. I’ll return to that in a moment, because it isn’t the last one.

I was hoping to see some interaction with The Order, and I wasn’t let down one bit with what is here. Even the brief showing of Murdoc’s ire lends something extra. For some reason, I kept playing the conclusion in a Matrix style in my head. Lol, no idea why. It’s a compliment though, that much I can say.

Lmao, “first things first, you’re going to kick Nathan’s ass.”

And after Eira’s response, Seromine is brought up a second time, further cementing that I am so dead down the road. Lol

“No, I just want to see you win because I think you can. No, your job assignment is Seromine.”

She glances down at the paper Van slides her way, her quick eye catching a few words that latch in her interest.

“Seromine, hm? I was already working with -”

“Mr. Ford, yes. You’ll forgive me if I’d rather you have more intel. Intelligence is power.”

I wonder how many cases of beer will be required...lol. Awesome work, Kris. I really enjoyed the read.

Warwyks Honor?
And here we have the latest from the handler of Judge and Cory Steel, or as I like to think of them, Underground legends. Remember how f’n brutal he was in those matches??

I love the choice of Conor McGregor for a base pic, btw.

“Standing at the bar drinking down his pint of beer was a young man with bright flaming red hair was the star of Saturday night fights, Warwyk. He had a name of course but for as long as anyone could remember they just called him Warwyk after his explosive temper and thirst to fight, every fight was a war to him.”

That is a nice explanation of how the name came to be. Oh! Speaking of the name, I really dig the font switch on the W’s and Y in your display name. Given the fact that Warwyk is a fighter, that should make for an interesting dynamic with Hiroshi. The size difference alone has me curious to see what becomes of the debut.

Coke fueled arsehole, lol. Classic.

This was a good way to start and give the reader a basic introduction to the character, without getting too in depth yet. It’s now established he’s a man who has a yearning to fight, but not just fight, go to war! Which if his in-ring plays off that description, could mean violence. This guy could definitely be fun to see in the Underground. The creation of the character name has been stated (I like little details like that). And then to cap things off, he signs his PCW contract while exhibiting some of those explosive anger traits. Thumbs up from this guy

Left Behind, Found Again
I don’t know if anyone will agree with me or not, but I think High Tide is underrated. Idr when, but the handler had mentioned adjusting to writing in first person. I haven’t used that style in ages, but I remember having fun with it. So if you’re reading this Tide, I think you are doing good with it.

Plus, c’mon. A wrestling pirate. There are only two other examples I can think of who carried that. Jean-Pierre LaFitte (remember when he stole Bret Hart’s jacket?) and Paul Burchill (who would then go on to have an underdeveloped incest angle with Katie Lea aka Winter). But I digress.

In this, we have Tide doing some soul searching and questioning why he should be at the bottom, when he could work his way back up the ladder. A fair thought to ponder on. It seems if he has had enough of his position and intends to do something about it to return back to success (will Wasp be returning with him?)

One of my favorite parts of your RP is this:
“I picked up my pace, as I was in a very sketchy part of town. There was enough trouble here that even I was cautious, borderline afraid and that was a rare occurrence. My eyes checked every corner, scanned every nook and cranny. I had left this life once, and if I went back down this road, there was no turning back. Was it even worth it? Well I knew what my answer was and even if others didn’t agree, well they weren’t living the life I was. I smile even though the area is grim. Yes, life did have a funny way of working things out.”

Yeah, Tide vs Crazy Boy grabbed my interest immediately. Talk about even matched.

I REALLY liked the conversation towards the end. I’d highlight it, but then I would have to point out everything lol so to anyone who reads the RP, check out the final act. Rock solid conclusion to end your effort this cycle as well. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to seeing what happens next and how you do with first person, the more you get used to using it.

Candy Kisses
Last, but not least, A big time favorite character of mine: Kelli Starr. We briefly talked Monday Night, to which I provided some feedback there and laughed at how Seromine got described. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote to you, so if I leave something out, forgive me!

The first thing that I noticed was the non-existence of the bright pink font color. I’m a fan of the blog style in general, so you put it to good use here. The outright fear she has about seeing Seromine again, and to a lesser extent, the state of mind Rick Majors is in, was really captured. Not even straying off subject to talk about something more pleasant (Naughty and Nice, lol) helped.

“We have Seromine who has already tried to kill me, but now he’s all crazy and YAY GOD about it so he’ll be boring the fuck out of me while he attempts homicide.” hahahaha, that’s one way of putting it. Kelli trying to figure out who Destiny was also got me laughing. The thing I have always said about Dollface, is just how absolutely lovable she is. She’s written in such a way that you don’t want to see harm happen. Her heart is in the right place, her emotional state fluctuates based on the situation, but when we get right down to it all, she wants to be loved and accepted.

And this is what makes her the perfect contrast against some of PCW’s baddies (Alexa is a prime example). On an unrelated note, love the name drop of Stand By Your Man (Tammy Wynette for anyone who doesn’t know the song. 70’s country), always been a fan of the song.

“I know this hasn’t made much sense, but I don’t know how to process this, not when Rick Majors scares me almost as much as Seromine does.”

-but I don’t know how to process this-

The bow on the present right there. Everything prior is well stated and written to the best that she can understand it (returning to the way her brain works), and then that one little line hammers all of that fear home. She knows the husband and wife on the other side of the ring aren’t coming to play nice, especially him, given what happened in the past (although there was that nice letter of recruitment ). But she also has that same level of concern with her own teammate. It’s nicely put imo.

Excellent stuff, my dear friend.

And that’s all, folks.
(Yep, a Looney Tunes tie-in!)

["The Asshole" Whitey Ford]

So I dropped the ball on this. I KNOW it looks like I just goaded Seromine out of hiding to tell us all how awesome we are, but truth is I got really busy after I decided I was going to give everyone feedback, and then tried reading all the posts after the deadline...wow, there's a lot of reading! I have a new respect for the match writers and the judges for PCW, that's a lot of work. But for 208, I'll make a new thread, and read each RP as it goes up to give it feedback instead of trying to do it all at once. That way I'm not so overwhelmed.