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Post by "The Asshole" Whitey Ford on Jun 4, 2017 23:32:21 GMT -5
I mean, not right now, because I suck and I'm going to crack out to video games for the next hour before I head to bed. But tomorrow as I get out of work at 1am and I don't believe Hulu will let me see the new episode of RAW at that point, I'll be giving feedback for as many pieces as I can. I would like to ask a favor though, and to ask for some honest feedback on my piece? Also, I'm really happy with how it came out even though I feel it's not perfect. I had a lot of fun writing it, and win or lose I'm happy with the writing I did tonight.
Also also, if I lose, I want to start to get some points so I can try again! xD
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Post by The Anarchist on Jun 5, 2017 0:53:22 GMT -5
Your RP was an excellent read. I felt like I was right there in the middle of Ford's trip and could see everything as vividly as he was, right down to the sights, sounds and smells that would be associated with carousels and their locations. Your introduction was also excellent and helped set the framework for what was about to come. *** I've seen the world spin before. I've went to school to learn that we are all, apparently, spinning on the planet as a whole. And at the same time that our little planet is spinning, we are essentially spiraling and rotating around in another larger circle. That only leads one to believe that we may be only a complex series of circles, always rotating; always spinning.
Back to the Earth topic, I've been drunk enough where the world simply would not stop spinning. Not even putting one foot on the floor of the dingy apartment or luxurious suite I was passing out in would make a difference, as they were both equally helpless to stop the fucking spinning.
I've been hit in the head with countless objects and I've been concussed so many times that even as I was walking or stumbling or being wheeled around in a chair I couldn't make sense of what direction I was looking.
One time I went on the Gravitron and Teacup rides sixteen times in one day, respectfully.
But this...this is very, very different.
*** Plus a little humor (Graviton/Teacup) never hurt anyone. It's the last line that should garner the most attention imo (I bolded it for singling out). Usually when I write, I'm picturing it all in my head and then paint the portrait with words. I feel like you conveyed everything as well as one could. Couple that with some of the roster being defined in terms of the ceramic rides and hallucinations, and you got yourself another layer. "I need to find out where I am and where I'm going. I'm not going down without a fucking fight!" I took that as meaning where Whitey stands in way of his position, his future and the upcoming title match with Grimm. A man who is no stranger to him and has been quite the antagonist. Actually, a lot of this from here to the end was about him and your quest to not only take the title back, but (as said in the RP), prove you are the best ever in PCW. Whitey has a something to prove and he is hell bent on proving it. There's so much I could go over with your RP, but then this would become a novel LOL. The conclusion with Jamie was funny. As was the "Fuck Jason Statham" stuff. Although...ya know, Emilio Estevez is still out there I loved it, man. I really enjoyed it from start to finish and look forward to your match. Or should I say, war? This is certainly an RP you can be happy about.
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Post by "The Asshole" Whitey Ford on Jun 6, 2017 0:52:27 GMT -5
Grimm:
Grimm, you're mean and you hurt my feelings.
First off, I really enjoyed the little backstory of how Hangtown came to be. The story of the Black Hand is indeed a fascinating one; you should start writing fantasy genres other than pro wrestling. I've always wondered if Whitey would ever end up in Hangtown, but without an invite I see that it's impossible. Probably for the best; he'd be dismembered.
The first and only gripe I have with the piece is when Grimm emerged, I had to re-read the paragraph a few times to understand whether he had just emerged and the story was switching to current day, or if he had appeared at Hangtown to be the protector. I can't pinpoint exactly what caused the confusion...I think possibly the imagery was laid on a bit thick.
As I continue reading, I didn't realize that the piece was a monologue. I thought it was just a story about the creation of Hangtown, I wasn't aware that Grimm was reading it. Not a bad adjustment, but I hadn't been reading it in Grimm's voice (however I imagine that to be.) I'm glad you touched on that jab I tried to throw at you about how Grimm's fire has burned the longest. I had meant the insult to be that Grimm was never the best, he just waited until the best moved on, but I knew as soon as I read it later that it would be easily turned around. Had to wait until the big match to point that out, HUH!?! Bastard.
All in all a very, very enjoyable read. You touched on things that I've been struggling to justify in Whitey's character in the weeks as of late, and I think I may be able to tie up some loose ends I've created for myself with the new story arc. Also, tying in Grimm arriving with a candle to shed light on the world, and closing it with the candle showing Whitey's fear...well done.
Win or lose, this was a very enjoyable piece. I think both of our pieces complimented the other's nicely. I'm sure we'll have a chance to do it again soon.
Everyone Else:
Hold your horses. I'll get at least one more review up tonight.
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Post by "The Asshole" Whitey Ford on Jun 7, 2017 2:28:45 GMT -5
Alex Tamora:
Wow...ok, so here I go. Admitting something that a lot of people already know, or a lot of people do and also keep quiet about it; I don't read every roleplay that comes on the board. That's why it's hard for me to get feedback up for everyone's roleplays, I'm not neccesarily too busy to read all of them but my mind wanders and I watch shows about pirates and games and thrones and whatnot. But you had contacted me about mentioning Whitey in your roleplay, so I chose yours to critique next like the narcissist I am. I had heard you played a time traveler, but I weren't sure how well it was going to work out.
Boy, was I surprised. I'm not a big fan of first person reading, as in "I did/do this," but halfway through I found myself turning down my music so I could focus more. I was hooked! What an endless supply of possibilities, with that gimmick you're never going to run out of ideas. Also, if I beat Grimm and become World Champion, I might have saved your ass, so root for me.
Constructive criticism: More. I wanted to read more about this scenario. Flesh out your roleplays a little bit more, especially for a PPV. But besides what I felt to be a bit short of a piece, I really enjoyed reading it and I will be reading all of your work in the future. Nicely done.
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Post by Grimm on Jun 16, 2017 9:53:33 GMT -5
The Salinger Blackness: One of the main selling points of the Whitey Ford experience (at least for me personally) is that not every RP is similar to the one before. You’ve got your barroom philosophy discussions, you’ve got your back alley street fights, you’ve got your carousel acid trips…say what you will about his personal hygiene, at least he shakes things up cycle to cycle. Plus, with this one in particular, I dig it because I’m a sucker for an RP anytime someone works in thinly veiled representations of the roster – especially when it’s something bizarre like this one.
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