Feedback would be appreciated

[Joka]

I rarely do this... but chapter 2 in the lost tales of Joka is up.  I don't know how many parts A Tragic and Beautiful Descent will have but it ain't anywhere near the end.

For those curious.  The VR exposure therapy I keep referring to actually exists.  Bravemind is a VR Exposure Therapy that the military is testing on soldiers with PTSD.  It's meant to reenact the battle situation that caused the trigger for their PTSD and it's actually done like it is in my roleplay.  They write down a very detailed story of the battle or situation and the team builds it in the computer.  The nano technology I referenced in this newest roleplay is actually another tech that scientists are working on.  Nanoscale gold wires plugged into the brain to measure and manipulate electrical signals in the brain.  Pretty much, they aim to be able to make people relive memories, experience certain emotions, and manipulate dreams.  Probably thought I was just pulling that shit outta my ass huh?

Anyways... feedback would be appreciated.  I've already caught the spelling and grammatical mistakes.  I usually keep them in for posterity though.   The first roleplay was done in a script style because the dialogue was inevitably going to be heavy in that one.  Had to introduce ya'll to the good Doctor.  The second one was first person because ya'll needed to hear the voices in Joka's head for it to work.  The next one might be third person/novel style but I'm playing around with the idea of maybe a first person telling from a different character.  Probably either Monster, or the Doctor.

And thanks for reading mah shit.  Moar to come fer sure.

[Gerard Angelo]

That was a great RP man

[Dominator / Mortimer]

As mentioned in the actual thread itself, I can relate to your way of writing as I have a very similar character in a different fed. However, my character is more of a 'gross out' kind of twisted, whereas your way of writing really seems to tie in with a man who is trying to escape from his inner demon.

Now, I'm not one for using HTML to change font, colour, size or include too much in terms of pictures. But the way you have the story formatted shows real emphasis where it matters. Where your protagonist is trying to expel his demon, his voice feels more confident and meaningful as the text gets larger and larger.

The fact that it is a good read and it LOOKS GOOD TO READ is what really makes this stand out to me. That, and the fact that it is just so well written! You've clearly done your research and you obviously know what you're writing about.

I only have one criticism...

...why aren't you back on the roster???

[Joka]

Mar 29, 2018 10:25:39 GMT -5 Dominator / Mortimer said:

As mentioned in the actual thread itself, I can relate to your way of writing as I have a very similar character in a different fed. However, my character is more of a 'gross out' kind of twisted, whereas your way of writing really seems to tie in with a man who is trying to escape from his inner demon.

Now, I'm not one for using HTML to change font, colour, size or include too much in terms of pictures. But the way you have the story formatted shows real emphasis where it matters. Where your protagonist is trying to expel his demon, his voice feels more confident and meaningful as the text gets larger and larger.

The fact that it is a good read and it LOOKS GOOD TO READ is what really makes this stand out to me. That, and the fact that it is just so well written! You've clearly done your research and you obviously know what you're writing about.

I only have one criticism...

...why aren't you back on the roster???

That was my first time trying out the text getting larger and larger and yes, that is exactly why I used that technique.  Good spot.  In past feds... I always used whatever tools were available.  Tried not to go overboard with it though.  I don't use intro's or music as much as I used to.  The gif halfway through was a last minute decision like the enlarging text.

And well... I was hoping to save this until my story was coming to a close buuuut... this story arc is leading up to a comeback.  Already told Sero and Gabe about it.  This is a story I've been trying for YEARS to tell... and I realized recently that I'll never be able to do it justice if I have to make it relevant to several different matches or feuds.  It's gotta be standalone.

By the way... I'm rooting for you to win all yer matches.  When I left last time, I was in the Underground division and you better believe I still got my eyes set on that belt.