Trauma 246 RP Feedback

[Stormm]

We don't do these RP feedback threads nearly as much as we used to, so I figured I'd put one up to see who bites.

Since I was the one who started the thread, I'll be sure to at least submit feedback for 1 of the 10 (9 not including my own) roleplays for this show, and none of that "It was good, I liked it" weaksauce feedback either. Not that I'm claiming to be the best feedback giver or anything, and far from someone who should be judging based on grammar or anything, but I always feel more in-depth, constructive, feedback helps us all grow as writers.

Rolling my d10, I rolled a 2. So My first feedback will go to David Hunter sometime before results go up later this week.

Also, since I am starting a new RP series (a more episodic series with planned "seasons" that can encompass my character for the rest of his tenure here, rather than writing shorter 3-12 RP series like I've mostly done in the past) it wouldn't be a RP feedback thread without shamelessly asking for feedback on my work either. I'm trying something different in my approach with this series, something I worked to setup the best I could with my RPs the last half of 2018, and the "commercial" RP I put up at T244 leading into this series. I'm pretty excited about writing it, as I have a lot of ideas, so would like to get anyone/everyone's opinion.

I'll try to match anyone's feedback with some of my own for those that oblige here, as well.

&GO!

[Grimm]

Land of Shadows (1.01) Pilot, by Stormm

Without getting too deep into specifics, I will say I think it will be quite interesting to see how your current series plays out. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen an efedder have an end game in sight for their character (or at least one that is planned for as far out as you have) and I for one look forward to watching you wrap everything up. Not because I look forward to you leaving (of course not), but because it will be cool to see someone get to finish a run like that on their own terms, instead of having a fed close or just getting burned out or whatever.

While I’m here, I’d also like to touch on something you mentioned a few weeks ago -- about how you’ve arrived at a place where you aren’t concerned about RP grades if the piece you’re working on is building on a bigger story arc and doesn’t call for a lot of match-relevant points-building material. You’re just serving the story at this point, and I can respect that.

Okay, now for the actual RP in question: I like the flashback teasers you worked into this one. Nothing forced, nothing too extensive, just a few hints on things coming down the pike. And, of course, some major hiccups with the Matthews business empire. Uh oh!!

[Stormm]

Feb 12, 2019 13:24:41 GMT -5 Grimm said:

And, of course, some major hiccups with the Matthews business empire. Uh oh!!

Before I respond to and mention how much I appreciate the feedback, let me first be a little pedantic! Havoc Entertainment always has been, and always will be in the Michaels name. Justin and friend Brian McCallister started it up years ago. Lindsay sold her shares of Matthews Wrestling Media that she inherited after her parents' deaths to Havoc several years ago after her and Justin married. There is an MWM/IAWF wing in the Havoc HQ building, though. Concerning the "Havoc Foundation" this will obviously just be a charitable giving division of HE, Inc., but yes, will be headed by Lindsay.

Now then...

Feb 12, 2019 13:24:41 GMT -5 Grimm said:

Land of Shadows (1.01) Pilot, by Stormm

Without getting too deep into specifics, I will say I think it will be quite interesting to see how your current series plays out. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen an efedder have an end game in sight for their character (or at least one that is planned for as far out as you have) and I for one look forward to watching you wrap everything up. Not because I look forward to you leaving (of course not), but because it will be cool to see someone get to finish a run like that on their own terms, instead of having a fed close or just getting burned out or whatever.

I'll be honest with you, when PCW re-opened, and I hadn't written a RP in several years but had plenty of time to mull over the story I'd want to tell with Stormm if I ever did RP again, I 100% thought the death of Damian Sorrow (who we now know as Wayne Arthur Michaels) was going to be THE end of my time with the Force of Nature. I basically had that whole thing in mind for the last 10 years or so before PCW came back, and through all my RPs leading up to a couple years ago when he finally died. It wasn't until the last dozen or so of those RPs that other ideas had come to mind, and basically gave me something to work off of for my return here at the end of 2017, and through every RP up to CC last year. So it's been a hell of a ride story wise with the character, and now several more ideas that have come up for me to work with on this last series (however many "seasons" it goes, but it indeed will be the last series of RPs I plan to write with the Stormm character specifically. But should hopefully wrap everything up in a nice tight little ball when it's all said and done.)

Feb 12, 2019 13:24:41 GMT -5 Grimm said:

While I’m here, I’d also like to touch on something you mentioned a few weeks ago -- about how you’ve arrived at a place where you aren’t concerned about RP grades if the piece you’re working on is building on a bigger story arc and doesn’t call for a lot of match-relevant points-building material. You’re just serving the story at this point, and I can respect that.

I understand this is a competitive writing platform, and that winning is basically the goal. Of course, the more you win, the more you're likely to end up with a title and all that. But the way I see it, I'm not going to win if I don't enjoy what I'm writing, and if what I'm writing doesn't feel like a good story to wrap in a bunch of PCW relevance, than I don't always force myself to put it in. I'll squeeze as much in as I can, but if it doesn't fit, I won't force it. This has lead to several matches where I was confident in what I wrote, but also confident that I wasn't going to win based on our grading rubric. I've taken my breaks here and there throughout the years, but how I write has kept me around this long, and still going, so I stick with it.

Feb 12, 2019 13:24:41 GMT -5 Grimm said:

Okay, now for the actual RP in question: I like the flashback teasers you worked into this one. Nothing forced, nothing too extensive, just a few hints on things coming down the pike.

This is kind of the format I'll be working with for the entire series, not just the "Pilot" episode. Before anyone says anything, yes, I've taken inspiration from, and am honoring the nostalgia storytelling ideas that we've seen in shows like The Wonder Years and How I Met Your Mother, just with my own spin on it, and my own storytelling.

Regardless, I very much appreciate the feedback, as this series has basically been what I've been working towards for a couple years now, and am super excited to write it, and get it out there. Even if, in the end, it means Stormm goes into retirement. I created him and have been writing RPs with the character for nearly 20 years now, though, so as long as I get to put the cap on his story on my own terms, I'll have nothing to regret.

[Stormm]

Meeting With Philly in Phillie by David Hunter

First thing I will mention that I am guilty of (and you aren't the only one), is I don't often make time to read as many RPs each show as I should. So when I do get around to reading someone's work, I will often find myself lost, not to the fault of the writer, but on me, the reader's end. Nothing against you there.

With that said, I got a very strong Reservoir Dogs vibe from this RP, and maybe others of yours are more like that. Maybe it was with all the "Mr. This" and "Mr. That" throughout the RP that hit on it for me. In this case, they all knew each other, rather than keeping their anonymity through the use of given names (unless I've missed something elsewhere.) Regardless, this any means necessary mentality he's taking to find something/someone kept it very interesting, and relateable, as I feel most people would do whatever they could if they were looking for someone important.

...and holy shit, there's a chick with blue skin about to stab a fool with icicles. Very mob drama-esque, and then you toss that Sci-Fi curveball at me. It was a shock, but a welcomed one by that point in the roleplay. The conversation kept it interesting, but from me as a reader, some of the lack in scene description kind of made the back and forth hard to read. Not becasue it was bad, but because I found myself trying to picture the entire scene on my own, rather than being brought into the scene with the storytelling. I say this, but there is also a fine line in telling enough, and telling too much.

We used to have a saying around here (probably still do, it just isn't said as much), but describe the chair. How big is it? What is it made out of? Etc? It doesn't have to be overly shared, but enough to draw the reader into the scene and live there for the duration of the roleplay.

This is especially true in the back section of your RP where you are putting in your match relevance. We get a time glimpse at what's going on right up front, and then just a long monologue about what David thinks of his upcoming match. Then 3 little lines of it to end the RP. I get that it's kind of a homemade video on a phone, but that in itself is a unique glimpse into your characters life. Does the phone wielder keep the phone completely still. How often does David even look at the camera. Does the shooter pan around inside of the car? Little things like that that could have been used to break up the dialogue and add some emphasis to the words he wanted the PCW Faithful and the rest of the intertubes to hear.

Overall, though, great work, and I am definitely kicking myself as this is one story line I've missed enough of that I should have been reading more of earlier, but will definitely keep an eye on going forward.

MOAR BLUE GIRL!!

[Grimm]

Well, crud, I don't know why I said Matthews. That's my bad. , indeed.

[David Hunter]

Blue girl might not be that frequent but I'm gonna include more...unrealistic characters and elements for sure.

And duely noted. It's hard to tell when I should or shouldn't be descriptive, especially given the game we're in. Thank you for the feedback.

[Dominator / Mortimer]

Feb 12, 2019 20:42:33 GMT -5 David Hunter said:

Blue girl might not be that frequent but I'm gonna include more...unrealistic characters and elements for sure.

And duely noted. It's hard to tell when I should or shouldn't be descriptive, especially given the game we're in. Thank you for the feedback.

I just want to say, I've followed your work for a LONG time now. Honestly, I think David Hunter is your best character yet! I love the fantastical sense of different worlds of fiction colliding in your own universe. The possibilities of combinations of characters is endless, but the way you interact with them is brilliant. For the most part, you stay true to the characters that you are using and make them react in the way that they would normally within their respective media.

And I can appreciate the Max Daemon reference!

I know it's not exactly the most constructive form of feedback, but I just wanted to get it out there.

Keep up the great work!

[David Hunter]

Feb 12, 2019 20:54:29 GMT -5 Dominator / Mortimer said:

Feb 12, 2019 20:42:33 GMT -5 David Hunter said:

Blue girl might not be that frequent but I'm gonna include more...unrealistic characters and elements for sure.

And duely noted. It's hard to tell when I should or shouldn't be descriptive, especially given the game we're in. Thank you for the feedback.

I just want to say, I've followed your work for a LONG time now. Honestly, I think David Hunter is your best character yet! I love the fantastical sense of different worlds of fiction colliding in your own universe. The possibilities of combinations of characters is endless, but the way you interact with them is brilliant. For the most part, you stay true to the characters that you are using and make them react in the way that they would normally within their respective media.

And I can appreciate the Max Daemon reference!

I know it's not exactly the most constructive form of feedback, but I just wanted to get it out there.

Keep up the great work!

Thank you.

That's also my issue. I try to hide who the character I'm using is so I don't outright reveal who they are until I drop a name. I'm sure not sure if I'm being too descriptive or too vague given a lot of people probably don't know all the characters I'm using given they're usually from animation or anime (or some other vague reference to something).

Oh and me using Max is more than just a cameo.

[Grimm]

The Part I Lost Myself In, by Kyle Shane

A couple things of note with this one: I appreciate an RP that’s not the usual (whatever the writer’s usual may be), and this one fits the bill if for no other reason than the character in question doesn’t actually make an appearance. And yet, because of the nature of this particular piece and how it fits within the story, you still manage to work in Kyle Shane, and PCW, and some more of the this-and-that he’s been dealing with for a while. And it totally worked without feeling disjointed.

Also, you touch on the elephant-in-the-room for all of us, that is the “what’s my motivation” question. Because, let’s be honest. With all the different character profiles and gimmicks and angles and story arcs we all have -- and have had -- it doesn’t actually make sense to add “professional wrestler” to the résumé. Maybe on occasion for some characters (it’s the family business, for instance), but not for most. I get that’s it’s just the vehicle for us to all gather here and write our pieces, but it’s a stretch a lot of times from a character standpoint. But we look the other way, and it’s fine. And, okay, maybe this one didn’t delve into wrestling specifically, but you did get into the muck of why Kyle Shane behaves the way he does…and again, you did it without including him in the RP. I don’ t know if you planned that possibility when you decided on this movie production bit, or if it was one of those “Eureka” moments that worked out better than one had hoped, or what, but it’s almost like you stumbled upon an efedding loophole. Well played.

[Stormm]

The Patron Saint of Bees by Grimm

57 words in and we get this out of character, in character, out of character, mind-fucking, shade throwning paragraph. I'd be curious to see everyone else's thoughts on it, but for me, I like to think Nate is trying to knock us all down a peg or two, and telling us all to go fuck ourselves, in the most Grimm-tastic way possible! Fuck you too, Nate, fuck you too! LoL

I've probably left feedback for your RPs more than anyone else here over the years, and if I've said it once, I'll say it again, but this time, in a much different manner. A Grimm RP is like the TARDIS, "It's bigger on the inside." That is, if you know where to look, and understand what you are reading. It's less common now, but a big thing in the eW, was to look at the length of the RP as a measure of its worth. This is so very much the worst thing to do with any Grimm RP, as you weave words into what those may see as very little, and make them work.

At any rate, this is another smooth read, and I don't know if I've just convinced myself of this, or if your writing has done the convincing for me, but I rarely finish a RP without either expecting to read more, or generally just wishing there was more. Whether that's good or bad, I'm still unsure. But this ws no different, and in a manner I don't recall m/any or your RPs in the past doing. Both a seemingly OOC meets IC statement, and also the idea that what we are seeing is literally being filmed, rather than just a glimpse into his life for the sake of storytelling, if only for that final scene, was very intriguing.

The details you work into conversations, while slightly disjointed being broken up into the sections, still help paint a picture in this RP like you've done in the past, and I could easily visualize the scene, and was able to step back into it from being brought in, then out, and back in again. The fire, kettle, old papers, and tea during, and the oncoming rain with walnuts falling on the roof after, tie it all nicely together.

Toss in a little Seromine mockery, and you've got yourself a solid RP here!