Post by Brenna Gordon on Jan 11, 2020 2:14:48 GMT -5
First off, I'd like to start this by apologizing to the roster--and to Dominator and David Hunter in particular--for my sudden vanishing act. I sure as shit didn't want to let anyone down, but... well, what I'm about to explain is gonna delve right into the heart of the fucked upness which threw my entire existence into upheaval and left me reeling.
It's also going to be hard reading when it comes to... well, just trust me.
If you guys recall, I worked for CYS (Children and Youth) as clerical staff for about three and a half months in the latter half of 2019. While I was working there, there was a file that was about... twelve three-inch binders full that I wasn't allowed to touch. I didn't know why at the time--I just figured it was a secured case on account of it being high profile, since there were a few like that which only supervisors and the most senior of clerical staff had access to since leaks had, unfortunately, happened in the past. The truth, though, was worse.
Far worse.
I would've pinged on the real reason why if I had remembered one simple fact, a fact we'll get to in a minute.
I walked away from the job at my 90 day evaluation because I couldn't handle the photos. I could deal with the written files, the case summaries and court documents--skim for what I need to put each document where it needed to go and move on--but the photos were... yeah. They gave me nightmares. Graphic images of the aftermath of physical and we'll just say worse abuse than that went well beyond my sanity's ability to grasp. So I shook my boss's hand and bid them well, and they did the same for me. I've been asked to consider other clerical positions away from CYS if they come available, and I might. I thought I was leaving it all behind.
Fast forward to the 11th of November, and I'm at my aunt's house when I catch wind of my youngest brother, Josh, being in jail.
That, in of itself, was not horribly unusual--I'm the only one of my siblings to not serve time. Hell, I'm pretty sure myself and one cousin are the only holdouts left. However, what was unusual... was that no one would say why he was behind bars. I just shrugged it off as them not wanting me to launch into an annoyed rant about how he and my other brother, Jeremy, need to grow up and stop acting like hardcore drug dealers like it's something to be proud of. We're surrounded by corn fields and cattle, knock it off. Upon later consideration, I decide to hop onto the justice portal for Pennsylvania--every site has one--and I looked up the court documents for Josh's arrest.
What I found was what plunged everything I thought I knew into upheaval.
My little brother, the guy my mom swore was gonna be a doctor... was in prison for child endangerment and aggravated assault.
I didn't want to believe it--I couldn't believe it! But the further I dug, the pieces began falling into place. Not only did he plead down from more severe charges, but a lot of my family helped him try to cover it up. The children in question are all under the age of five, and the amount of time he's got behind bars is nowhere near enough. What little relationship I had left with most of my family on that side of things collapsed completely in spectacular fashion, with me cutting them all off save those who had the reasonable reaction of 'WHAT THE FUCK?!' It was through a conversation with Jeremy that the last piece clicked into place.
Remember that thick file I mentioned earlier?
I wasn't allowed access because I was related to one of the offenders, and part of how they hid it was tucking it away under his girlfriend's last name. A girlfriend who had better fucking pray that I never see her again, because if I do... well. It's one thing to lose your shit on a helpless child. It's another entirely to do so on an adult that, rather than protecting her children, protected the scumbag who hurt them so badly. I wasn't able to take any of the four kids myself--no room, no resources, and I'm not exactly parent material--but they're safe, and me ensuring their safety has been a lot of what I have been clinging to in the name of trying to move on with my life and find my way to normal again.
So... yeah. That's where I've been. I hope to be in a mental place where I can be able to write Brenna again soon, but I make no guarantees.
Sorry for vanishing, and I love you guys.
- Kris
It's also going to be hard reading when it comes to... well, just trust me.
If you guys recall, I worked for CYS (Children and Youth) as clerical staff for about three and a half months in the latter half of 2019. While I was working there, there was a file that was about... twelve three-inch binders full that I wasn't allowed to touch. I didn't know why at the time--I just figured it was a secured case on account of it being high profile, since there were a few like that which only supervisors and the most senior of clerical staff had access to since leaks had, unfortunately, happened in the past. The truth, though, was worse.
Far worse.
I would've pinged on the real reason why if I had remembered one simple fact, a fact we'll get to in a minute.
I walked away from the job at my 90 day evaluation because I couldn't handle the photos. I could deal with the written files, the case summaries and court documents--skim for what I need to put each document where it needed to go and move on--but the photos were... yeah. They gave me nightmares. Graphic images of the aftermath of physical and we'll just say worse abuse than that went well beyond my sanity's ability to grasp. So I shook my boss's hand and bid them well, and they did the same for me. I've been asked to consider other clerical positions away from CYS if they come available, and I might. I thought I was leaving it all behind.
Fast forward to the 11th of November, and I'm at my aunt's house when I catch wind of my youngest brother, Josh, being in jail.
That, in of itself, was not horribly unusual--I'm the only one of my siblings to not serve time. Hell, I'm pretty sure myself and one cousin are the only holdouts left. However, what was unusual... was that no one would say why he was behind bars. I just shrugged it off as them not wanting me to launch into an annoyed rant about how he and my other brother, Jeremy, need to grow up and stop acting like hardcore drug dealers like it's something to be proud of. We're surrounded by corn fields and cattle, knock it off. Upon later consideration, I decide to hop onto the justice portal for Pennsylvania--every site has one--and I looked up the court documents for Josh's arrest.
What I found was what plunged everything I thought I knew into upheaval.
My little brother, the guy my mom swore was gonna be a doctor... was in prison for child endangerment and aggravated assault.
I didn't want to believe it--I couldn't believe it! But the further I dug, the pieces began falling into place. Not only did he plead down from more severe charges, but a lot of my family helped him try to cover it up. The children in question are all under the age of five, and the amount of time he's got behind bars is nowhere near enough. What little relationship I had left with most of my family on that side of things collapsed completely in spectacular fashion, with me cutting them all off save those who had the reasonable reaction of 'WHAT THE FUCK?!' It was through a conversation with Jeremy that the last piece clicked into place.
Remember that thick file I mentioned earlier?
I wasn't allowed access because I was related to one of the offenders, and part of how they hid it was tucking it away under his girlfriend's last name. A girlfriend who had better fucking pray that I never see her again, because if I do... well. It's one thing to lose your shit on a helpless child. It's another entirely to do so on an adult that, rather than protecting her children, protected the scumbag who hurt them so badly. I wasn't able to take any of the four kids myself--no room, no resources, and I'm not exactly parent material--but they're safe, and me ensuring their safety has been a lot of what I have been clinging to in the name of trying to move on with my life and find my way to normal again.
So... yeah. That's where I've been. I hope to be in a mental place where I can be able to write Brenna again soon, but I make no guarantees.
Sorry for vanishing, and I love you guys.
- Kris