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Post by Loki on May 9, 2015 21:30:20 GMT -5
Loki - Your work is engaging, well-written, and concise. The only thing I'd suggest is a proofread, because there are minor errors that detract from how good your writing is, i.e. “We’ll Gerald, we’ve got a problem…” It's minor, but noticeable. You're far too good to have things like that dragging you down. ~goes back and reads rp.~ ~finds error~ FUCK!!! And that's AFTER proof reading it!
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Post by Seth Archer on May 10, 2015 4:09:54 GMT -5
Wow, Gem! Thanks for your feedback for not only me but for the fed as a whole! BTW, I feel ashamed as a writer to have had to google "Ellipsis" but I promise...that I won't overuse them..........AGAIN.
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Post by Non Compos Mentis on May 10, 2015 7:57:20 GMT -5
Non Compos Mentis - I don't know if this is what you're going for, but I get a real film noir vibe from you when I read your work. I mean that in a good way, I love old detective stories. Thanks Gem , as a matter of fact I do aim for a noir-esque style. Maybe not the full-on film noir style but I always enjoy that kind of writing and the general themes of it. Glad you noticed
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 10, 2015 17:13:57 GMT -5
Can I ask one or two of you what you thought of my present-tense action style this week? It was a lot of fun to write, and I was hoping it wouldn't be out of place in a wrestling storyline.
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Post by Nathan Saniti on May 10, 2015 17:29:50 GMT -5
I actually read everyone's stuff this time, so I plan on leaving feedback, starting with those who left me feedback in the past and I didn't reciprocate. I am forshamed.
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Joka
PCW Veteran
Posts: 382
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Post by Joka on May 10, 2015 19:58:08 GMT -5
Joka - You still freak me out, and I mean that in a good way. The detail and the contrast between the voices and the psychosis that is implied but never definitively stated, it gets me every time. I always enjoy reading your work, and am especially glad when it's not aiming for me! Hahahahaaa! <--- evil laugh Seriously though... I take that as a compliment. I'm trying to write realistic suspense/horror and like freaking people out lol. Wondering if people favor the narrative style over the script style. And don't you worry... it'll be aimed at you again... eventually. You know I must has mah revenge! Not Today by Gem The middle and end almost feel heelish in a way. I can feel the sting in those unceremonious words you have had for all allies, supposed friends, and enemies alike. You say yer glad my words aren't aiming for you... yeah I'm glad yer words aren't aimed at me as well, Tom Clancy! (<--- mean that as a compliment)
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Post by Nathan Saniti on May 11, 2015 12:21:12 GMT -5
Here's a start. I'll do the rest after I get home from work. I regretfully admit that I don't follow everyone else's stories as much as I should in order to give proper feedback on an overall outlook.
Gem – Not Today I have to pretty much parrot what has already been said. It was nice to not only get a fun little back story, but to see Gem burst venomously from her shell. No longer a quiet assassin, now we have a vocal and perilous, if not a dangerously enraged monster blossoming in the wake. Time will only tell if Gem will be able to keep what’s left of her former self, the more bloodthirsty she gets.
DarkesEarth – Second Sacrifice Someone needs another nap. Apparently, waking up tied to a chair put him in a bad mood. Not sure why. /goofy. Well written story. I could easily visualize what was going on. I’m intrigued to jump deeper and maybe catch up on what I missed to clue myself in on what motivates Kristoff. The little tirade he went on at the end piqued my interest in the character. Keep up the good work. The only thing I think I’d like to see is just a bit more dialogue to get a better peep at his psyche.
Joka – Ygolo… Fuck it. Yiggieflips Part 4 – Unstable Dreams Okay. Again, color me interested. Who in blue hell is so terrifying that even our resident Clown Prince shivers in fear? And he broke into his shrink’s house to boot because it was that bad? I do love that you tied it in with mine symbolically, and that you actually gave a reason for Joka to respect Saniti. It was also nice to see the story get flipped into the doc’s POV. (I’m not sure if you’ve always done that, I’m horrible about not doing this as often as I should.) Having the doc question his own rationale at the end was a nice touch.
Sadistic – Seeing Ghosts Through Candy-Tinted Glasses Where’d ya learn to count? Everyone knows the number C comes after Fijord. The monologue stung of a soothsayer with an agenda. I liked it. Sadistic has so many things coming at him from so many different directions that he doesn’t simply have a target painted, it’s a tattoo he revels in and shows off during drinking binges at the local watering hole. Anyhoo, recruiting Kelli to perform acts of random irony was a nice touch. It shows that Sadistic is indeed trying to poison her soul. *opens his double-cross umbrella to protect him from the fallout*
Stormm – The Warden of Wayward Souls – Chapter XIV I enjoyed the little back-and-forth switches from his perspective to hers at the beginning. Nicely done piece, but it did seem a tad padded in parts. The pace was a bit slow, but I think it reflected the confusion of the past night’s events properly, especially if they were hung over. (I’ve never met anyone who springs to life after a bender.)
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Post by Grimm on May 11, 2015 13:49:19 GMT -5
Not Today: I thought using a training simulation to address some of your opponents was a nice touch, especially how Gem dispatched them based on the ways in which they had offended her. That’s way more entertaining (and character-driven) than, “Here, let me run down a list of my opponents in this match and tell you how I’m going to kick their butts.”
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Post by Nathan Saniti on May 11, 2015 18:24:14 GMT -5
Grimm - A Pick Through the End I almost feel a bit sorry for Grimuhmuh here lately. It seems he is merely a pawn to be moved when the whim strikes. I don't like that, not with Grimm. He is a major piece (of crap) (Kidding. Don't kill me to death.). He's at least a Rook, steadfast and solid, so why is he being left in the dark over something that is a direct concern to him? He can't fulfill his part if the Queen and the Bishop are constantly blocking his movements. *sigh* I suppose Ruth will let him in when the right is time. I like that you have direction against NCM. Now I'd like to see that good old fashioned fire that comes with it.
LoKi - Broken Was it irony or planned that Brandon helped a homeless man while facing NCM? I'm thinking planned. It was a very engaging story, though I think just a few more descriptives could have been used to add to the dialogue. I still see a bit of rust, but you're shaking it off quite nicely IMO.
Dirtyfirefly - Even the Nobodies Wanna Be Somebodies Not a bad introductory, or close to introductory, piece, but it gave very little real information. I'm sure it's coming down the pipe soon enough, but don't be afraid to let us in a bit more. Also, and this is just my own pet peeve, (I try to avoid it myself as much as possible, but don't use "As the scene fades in," just describe it. We'll get the picture. You're good at descrption.
NCM - Remains - Part Three: Just Like Old Times There's a reason you are part of the Pantheon of legends around here. That reason is how well rounded your stories are. You perfectly balance description and dialogue as the needs arise. Anyone who gets a genuine win against you has a notch to be proud of. It's sad that NCM can't, or won't, help those he sees around him, but at least he's offering some assistance in the way of advice. The weight of helplessness is palpable.
Seth Archer - Orgasmic Eulogy Wow. This was almost borderline graphic. Forgive the pun, but that shows some balls. I liked how you pushed the envelope that far and then brought it back like a tease. It kept my attention throughout. (It also brought me back to my days of writing for my character Dan Fierce. Never a bad thing. LOL) Also, the latter part rang of a lot of backgrounds I got from real life friends. It smacked of an air of truth. Those are often the best stories, and the most important ones, to tell. Keep it up.
Showtime - Doused with Determination!!!1!!!!!one!! The thing, the REAL thing that makes the Black Hand so damned unstoppable, is that each of you are some of the strongest writers in PCW. You are no exception. Though I'd still like to see Showtime and Grimm be pulled a bit more to the forefront of the storyline, Mikey seems to be at ease with his path. Why? I'm not quite grasping yet. I can't quite grasp Showtime playing a supporting role. I see him more as the "MY LIMELIGHT!" kinda guy, so whatever the real goal for the Black Hand is, they have him in severe check somehow.
Dollface - Rock Chocolate Candy Et tu, Brute? I think this is by far the longest Dollface piece I've seen you post. It sucks that you had technical difficulties and R/L crap to deal with. This piece was amazing, but I can only imagine how much better it could have been if those things hadn't kept you from being rushed. It's almost disturbing just how quickly and cheerfully Kelli goes through this laundry list that Sadistic put out for her. Between the two of you, Joka and I really have our work cut out for us. At the end, it almost felt like Kelli was becoming accustomed to the thrill of her newfound appointment.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 12, 2015 12:48:52 GMT -5
Not Today: I thought using a training simulation to address some of your opponents was a nice touch, especially how Gem dispatched them based on the ways in which they had offended her. That’s way more entertaining (and character-driven) than, “Here, let me run down a list of my opponents in this match and tell you how I’m going to kick their butts.” I realize this may come as a surprise to most people, but I do not do a lot of the promo talk Now that I've thoroughly shocked you, thank you everyone for the raving good words.
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Post by Mr. Showtime on May 12, 2015 12:51:17 GMT -5
Does everyone legitimately hate the 3 !!! in my titles? I know Luis does and Kris has made mention to it. It seems like they annoy people for no reason (that I can see).
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Post by Braddock on May 12, 2015 12:56:53 GMT -5
thanks Gem and Nathan, I appreciate it. I knew it was short when I wrote it. next one will be better. thank you again for the tips and pointers though.
im trying to take him in a new direction and I got a few more ideas....
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Post by Eira on May 12, 2015 12:58:07 GMT -5
Does everyone legitimately hate the 3 !!! in my titles? I know Luis does and Kris has made mention to it. It seems like they annoy people for no reason (that I can see). Hey, to be fair, I only mentioned it once and I was asking why it was a thing. xD Quite frankly I think it would be very weird to see you post one without the !!! it would be like seeing MONROE as monroe.
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Post by Nathan Saniti on May 12, 2015 13:03:22 GMT -5
Does everyone legitimately hate the 3 !!! in my titles? I know Luis does and Kris has made mention to it. It seems like they annoy people for no reason (that I can see). On my end, it was simply something to give you grief over. You know I can't do feedback without something snarky.
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Post by Eira on May 12, 2015 13:10:26 GMT -5
Does everyone legitimately hate the 3 !!! in my titles? I know Luis does and Kris has made mention to it. It seems like they annoy people for no reason (that I can see). On my end, it was simply something to give you grief over. You know I can't do feedback without something snarky. Catty little bitch, aren't you. xD
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Post by Nathan Saniti on May 12, 2015 13:20:50 GMT -5
On my end, it was simply something to give you grief over. You know I can't do feedback without something snarky. Catty little bitch, aren't you. xD Not at all. *cleans himself in the corner while patiently awaiting his exercise time at 3:00 AM*
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Post by Eira on May 12, 2015 13:33:46 GMT -5
Catty little bitch, aren't you. xD Not at all. *cleans himself in the corner while patiently awaiting his exercise time at 3:00 AM* xD Threadjacking: Successful. I suppose as penance I should also do feedback (for other than the already-planned feedback for those who were awesome enough to leave some for me). I'll do that after I do the creative team stuff.
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Post by Grimm on May 12, 2015 14:51:00 GMT -5
Does everyone legitimately hate the 3 !!! in my titles? I know Luis does and Kris has made mention to it. It seems like they annoy people for no reason (that I can see). I don't know if it's supposed to be, but I think it's funny.
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Post by Mr. Showtime on May 12, 2015 15:18:38 GMT -5
Yeah Kris wasn't saying you hate it, just that you mentioned it. I know Luis does but that almost made me add 3 more (I Keed). Just wondering, not sure if it'd stop me, but was just seeing since it was accentuated. Great feedback this round guy. Keep it up. Wish I had more time to do it as well. I'll see if I can return the favor a bit.
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Post by Eira on May 12, 2015 15:25:02 GMT -5
Yeah Kris wasn't saying you hate it, just that you mentioned it. I know Luis does but that almost made me add 3 more (I Keed). Just wondering, not sure if it'd stop me, but was just seeing since it was accentuated. Great feedback this round guy. Keep it up. Wish I had more time to do it as well. I'll see if I can return the favor a bit. You should totally add 3 more.
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