Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 7, 2015 19:48:28 GMT -5
Getting this started because I intend to post in it this weekend.
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Post by Grimm on May 8, 2015 14:20:03 GMT -5
Broken: I’d like to think I’ll leave more constructive feedback for everyone over the weekend, but you know how sometimes it’s the weird little things that catch your attention? I couldn’t help but notice that in the two RPs you’ve written since you’ve returned, someone has said something “dryly” three times. I apologize for the nitpickery.
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Post by Sadistic on May 8, 2015 14:23:48 GMT -5
Oh, good grief...
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Post by Loki on May 8, 2015 14:46:13 GMT -5
Broken: I’d like to think I’ll leave more constructive feedback for everyone over the weekend, but you know how sometimes it’s the weird little things that catch your attention? I couldn’t help but notice that in the two RPs you’ve written since you’ve returned, someone has said something “dryly” three times. I apologize for the nitpickery. I do believe that was said dryly. No, it's something I picked up because I find it a good descriptor. But I can definitely tone it down.
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Post by Grimm on May 8, 2015 15:50:11 GMT -5
It just jumped out at me for some reason. I'm sure we all have a similar tendency with words of our own.
...he said provocatively?
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Post by Mr. Showtime on May 8, 2015 15:53:25 GMT -5
*Pelvic Thrusts*
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Post by Seth Archer on May 8, 2015 17:49:06 GMT -5
Gem - Not Today -
I'm really loving your work lately Gem. Not a single line is wasted and each paragraph hangs with anticipation for the next. You've mastered the art of being able to write long detailed scenes without making them feel drawn out or bloated. This is a skill I wish I possessed.
I am proud to have seen you come in as a rookie and now be main eventing. Your style is slick and unforgiving and you flesh out Gem so well in this piece that I can't wait to see what happens next.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 8, 2015 22:29:16 GMT -5
Seth Archer - Good piece. I like how you incorporate everything in a short period of time, and effectively use every means possible to convey your character, both in the ring and out. If I had to give you criticism, it would be to check before posting on your spacing, and ease up a bit on the ellipsis. They become a bit distracting when used that often. Thanks for your kind words!
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:21:28 GMT -5
Nathan Saniti - I wanted to point out that I absolutely love your "in jokes" for the reader, i.e. the ones in parenthesis. It reminds me of reading a James Cameron script, and I do mean that as a compliment. I realize this is only part one, but you set it up really well. It left me wondering what was going to happen next.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:26:51 GMT -5
@darkestearth - You've got a good start to what you envision. I'd like to see more development as opposed to promo work, but that's just me. One piece of advice, you've got a lot of redundancy, in that you use words back to back too quickly and too often.
For example, "The only sound in the room was the sound of his panicked breathes, the panic that raged within him as he began to try and struggle in the chair he was bound to."
Try to use synonyms if you must, a thesaurus if it helps. It distracts from the reading of your piece. It's also a bit longwinded, not helped by the redundancy. For example, you could've shortened this to "The only sound in the room was that of his panicked breathing. It raged within him as he began to struggle from the chair that bound him." See how many unnecessary and repetitive words that takes away?
I look forward to seeing more from you.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:30:29 GMT -5
Joka - You still freak me out, and I mean that in a good way. The detail and the contrast between the voices and the psychosis that is implied but never definitively stated, it gets me every time. I always enjoy reading your work, and am especially glad when it's not aiming for me!
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:32:49 GMT -5
Sadistic - Brief, and brilliant. I love your use of adjectives, of conflict in opinion, and the fact that you get straight to the point. In a short amount of time, you deliver a quick jab that knocks the reader back and forces them to pay attention.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:34:46 GMT -5
Stormm - I always feel like I've stepped right into the middle of a novel when I see your pieces, and that's a good thing. You do a good job of making them individual stories, as well as combining them with an overall defining narrative.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:36:18 GMT -5
Grimm - Chills... Your whole RP is like "I'm Grimm, deal with it, bitch." It's amazing how quickly and effectively you deal that out. I like that it's confidence, but not in that obnoxious, untouchable kind of way.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:38:46 GMT -5
Loki - Your work is engaging, well-written, and concise. The only thing I'd suggest is a proofread, because there are minor errors that detract from how good your writing is, i.e. “We’ll Gerald, we’ve got a problem…” It's minor, but noticeable. You're far too good to have things like that dragging you down.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:41:47 GMT -5
Braddock - I feel like this RP is the beginning of a very interesting story, but you don't follow through with it. Your beginning grabber is great, bam, death, like "wow, what led up to this? What's the story?" You start to get into it, but not nearly enough for a single piece. You've got the beginning of something great, I'd like to see you expand a lot more. Also, you're a braver person than me. I'd fear for my life if I called Grimm a silly nickname!
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:43:16 GMT -5
Non Compos Mentis - I don't know if this is what you're going for, but I get a real film noir vibe from you when I read your work. I mean that in a good way, I love old detective stories.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:50:35 GMT -5
Mr. Showtime - I think you're the most eccentric of the Black Hand, and that's having read two previous right in a row. That's a good thing though, you need to stand out from stable mates despite having similar messages and themes. Like the others though, quick, concise, brief, and awesome.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 19:52:38 GMT -5
Dollface - I absolutely love how it's obvious you're the same writer as Eira, but the character is so distinct from her that it doesn't matter. The style is the same, the characters are different, but you always write both so brilliantly well.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on May 9, 2015 20:44:40 GMT -5
I think I got everyone. I'll try to do the same for Living a Legacy.
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