Trauma 176 RP Feedback

[Judge]

Yo that rp by The Anarchist was a great read! I already relate and like a lot about your character already....keep up the solid proformance bromo because you didn't miss a beat.

[The Anarchist]

Thanks Jesse I appreciate it.
I really enjoyed your latest. Looking forward to seeing the next chapter. Best of luck in your match!

EDIT:

"Judge was looking up at the dead bodies of his former allies High Tide and Wasp. Decomposed, their skin graying with mold, and their faces twisted in fear.

"Burn them all!"

Judge fought to get to his feet and he rubbed sweat from his burning eyes, what he wiped away was replaced now with his family sitting in those chairs screaming for him!

"Oh my God, how?" was all Judge could mutter.

"DADDY SAVE US DON'T LET US DIE DADDY!"

Judge reached for them but Jury's voice echoed into the night causing the fire to intensify.

"BURN THEM ALL!"

I loved this. Great visual. The rp as a whole was fantastic, and I dug the use of Rod Stewart. Awesome stuff all around!

[Nathan Saniti]

The Great Hunt: Exodus PT 1

Great RP. I like how you used this opportunity to remold Cory into what you needed him to be. You showed us how your character evolved into what he is now, and gave us a sense that there is more to come. I had to go back and re-read a few sentences that didn't make sense, but otherwise it was an extremely good showing.

Morning Serenade

Our house! In the middle of the street! Heh. An incorporation of music is one way to get my attention. It was nice to see the pulling back of the curtain to see the home life of on half of the legendary tag team that is returning. Good character development to demonstrate the home life consequences of being face or heel. Very good story.

Judge: Moves and Counter Moves

I agree with Anarchist. The visuals portrayed here were very well done. I don't know if you actually HAVE PTSD, but I can imagine it would look a lot like what you described here. Also, that's not a very nice way to "break up" with your former stable mates. Rude. As. Hell. I liked it. Another great RP. You guys are definitely gonna make us work for it.

Playing to win

You had a good story here, but the spacing issues and lack of punctuation make it difficult to read at times. You did have very good match/PCW relevance. I'd like to see a bit more character development. I want to know what makes her tick; inner thoughts, background story, all of that, not just a rehashing of current events. Don't just tell us you're the craziest of them all, show us how you got there prior to PCW. At any rate, it was a decent effort, so keep it up. Just expand it a bit.

Road Trip

Really? A Slim Shady parody? ... I'm good with that. As with Jason, it was good to see the curtain peeled back. It makes your (read: TUHA's) switches to crowd faves feel more genuine. The visuals of the back and forth between the son and the onery retaliation of the father were gold. I could see my own dad doing that sort of thing, or myself doing it to my step-sons. LOL Well played. A criticism I do have is this: Never start your story with "the scene opens," and never end it with "the scene closes." There are better ways to go about it. (Sorry. Just a pet peeve of mine.)

An awkward encounter

This was an awesome backstage story. It showed that Bubba has a pretty good sense of humor and loves to fight well enough that an injury doesn't easily get the better of him. He also likes to talk. I do love the way you humanized him with this tale. I'd like to see some background story and character development, but you still did very well. Shame your partner flaked on you again. You could've had a good chance. Hopefully, he'll come around and you guys can have another go at it.

One More Achievement

So we finally get to Crazy Boy's trophy room huh? I can smell another Triple Crown winner (or whatever it's called. My brain needs coffee). You gave good insight on what the (un)Stable can do for you and why you joined. As with a few others, I'd like to see a bit of background on Crazy Boy. How did he get all of the other titles? How did he get his moniker? Shoot promos are fine, and you did well, but give us a bit more story to go with it. A couple of flashbacks to the "glory days" would have made this RP even sweeter.

Mystery Flavor Fuck Lolly

It was rough seeing Kelli in the particular state of mind, but it was very well done. I suppose being forcibly in the company of the likes of Grimm and Sadistic can have that effect. Either way, you painted her mental state well enough that I could feel my own concern for her, as well as Nathan's, and yes, even Sadistic's. Not written with your usual sense of humor, which is perfectly fine in this case, it hit hard right where it needed to.

How It All Began

A pirate drinking and hitting on a barmaid? Say it ain't so! :-P The story was well done, but I think it could have used just a bit more behind it. Also, while my old eyes appreciate the larger font, it just seems "off" somehow. His thought about how he became meaner the more he drank seemed to come from nowhere, but you wrote it off well. I'd have liked to see a demonstration of that rage to bring it into a better focus. A man sitting alone in a bar questioning his inner Hulk doesn't exactly belong when the man in question is as chill as an ice cube. Still a great read though.

How It Ended

Well... That was an eye-catching opening line for sure. (As a personal note, I'm not sure I can scrub the visual of Chuck Norris and Captain Jack Sparrow nekkid out of my mind.) Also, there's a bit of the belligerence I wanted from Tide. This was a good story, but the two were acting more like frat boys than grown men. Sadly, I can see my friends and I acting very similarly (sexuality not in context), so it's all good. Guys do that when they are around their friends, no matter the age. LOL I didn't see much match relevance here, but you made up for that in Tide's story. Well done.

[Dollface]

Nathan Saniti

Nero Shall Fiddle Again - Chapter 4

The scene between Rasputin and Naomi was very sweet, it was interesting to have such a non-Nathan-centric opening to your piece. Having FATE want to visit Nathan’s sister and former rival is probably... really not a good thing. At all. I’m nervous about this one - for Nathan and those around him (read: Kelli). Serious points for Alexa Black “squelching” a phrase. That was... disturbing, as suits the character. xD I like that you worked the backstage kibitzing into the piece, going so far as to draw it out into match relevance and Nathan's thought processes on all of it - and holy fuck when did Nathan get so beast mode?! Ever the gentleman he still doesn't utter a single curseword, but DAMN does he get the point across. I'm not sure whether it was because he felt it was the only way to get through to Alexa or if he's getting more violent - and metal mask whatnow? Metal mask puts me in mind of Murdoc, but that's my own associations with guys in metal masks. An excellent RP with an ending that makes me want to know more - and gives me a whole new appreciation for your character. What can I say, I'm a sucker for badasses.

[The Anarchist]

Thank you for the feedback, Dan. I appreciate it and am glad you liked my rp.

Nero Shall Fiddle Again:
I wasn't here to see how Saniti evolved from the beginning to now, but I am a fan of what I have read since coming back. I dug the "third eye" mention and certainly the description of the texture. It's enough to kind of shudder at the thought LOL but lends a nice visual.

Big fan of the (un)Stable members remarking on the tag team banter that has been transpiring. It's a wonderful connection. I cracked up at Alexa's rage about Kelli, and liked the quick mention that two of the teams have had issues before. The Saniti/Kelli dynamic has been some great stuff, and here you can see his heart is still beating for her, despite the warring circumstances. CAN they co-exist?

Overall I enjoyed the read. Great job on the interaction with Alexa. She's a towering rage of psychotic tendencies. It's a solid contrast to the mild mannered Saniti. Until his demon comes out. Lol.

Mystery Flavor Fuck Folly:
One of my favorite writing vices is description. Whenever I write or read, I visualize it. You have wonderful ways of describing what Kelli is feeling, and definitely so as it comes to the use of colors. I love the justification behind smoking weed and what previously had been told to you.

I laughed over the thought process as it pertains to Ruth and the hideous wallpaper. My favorite part however, was the internal dialogue about Kelli's search for love and being cared about. The conflict with Saniti and forming (un)Stable was fantastic and a great play with Sadistic later. The loneliness is evident, as it also hinted at her past (unless I read wrong lol).

I laughed at her talking about Sea Man, picturing teenage humor. Great chemistry with Sadistic. I'm probably rambling at this point LOL but overall, I really enjoyed it. Can't wait to see how everything plays out between the participants.

[Dollface]

The Anarchist

Morning Serenade

Okay so, the chess thing was a bit boring for me but only because I REALLY suck at chess. No lie. Genius level IQ, and if I sucked any harder at chess it would offer me cab fare and recurring business afterwards. You start talking about introducing yourself, and I started paying much closer attention. I've been REALLY interested about your character because you and Loco are Such A Big Deal in the annals (two n's, children) of PCW history. Your wife knows you as God... you're either a cultist or amazing in the sack. Though the two aren't mutually exclusive so, moving on! "HAPPY ANARCHIST DEATH DAY" y'know I actually thought of this as some kind of anarchy/punk scene celebration of an anti-birthday. Like an un-birthday, only way more hardcore - points for that. A Twilight reference, even in passing? Points revoked, but you're still breaking even. lol @ "at thirty-seven years old (shut up)" - reminds me of my own internal monologue. Like the actual me, Kris, not just Kelli or Eira. I actually smiled at seeing "Destiny" in there after the PM convo we had about tattoos and your own ink - that was cool. Weird... I had a dream that ended on the National Anthem last night...

' "" "Wait a second. They are out of school for the summer!"

Goodbye sleep. I hardly knew thee. '

As a parent, during summer vacation, this line had me torn between: the desire to cry, the desire to laugh, and the desire to scream. Pretty sure A Ghost in the Wind can back me up on that one. The rest of the RP just made me smile, good stuff. Overall, well written. Just one or two places with awkward wording, nothing that really stuck out. Good match relevance, and good writing.

[Nathan Saniti]

Jul 19, 2015 17:05:53 GMT -5 Dollface said:

Okay so, the chess thing was a bit boring for me but only because I REALLY suck at chess. No lie. Genius level IQ, and if I sucked any harder at chess it would offer me cab fare and recurring business afterwards.

I laughed at this a lot more than I should have.

[The Anarchist]

Jul 19, 2015 17:05:53 GMT -5 Dollface said:

The Anarchist

Morning Serenade

Okay so, the chess thing was a bit boring for me but only because I REALLY suck at chess. No lie. Genius level IQ, and if I sucked any harder at chess it would offer me cab fare and recurring business afterwards. You start talking about introducing yourself, and I started paying much closer attention. I've been REALLY interested about your character because you and Loco are Such A Big Deal in the annals (two n's, children) of PCW history. Your wife knows you as God... you're either a cultist or amazing in the sack. Though the two aren't mutually exclusive so, moving on! "HAPPY ANARCHIST DEATH DAY" y'know I actually thought of this as some kind of anarchy/punk scene celebration of an anti-birthday. Like an un-birthday, only way more hardcore - points for that. A Twilight reference, even in passing? Points revoked, but you're still breaking even. lol @ "at thirty-seven years old (shut up)" - reminds me of my own internal monologue. Like the actual me, Kris, not just Kelli or Eira. I actually smiled at seeing "Destiny" in there after the PM convo we had about tattoos and your own ink - that was cool. Weird... I had a dream that ended on the National Anthem last night...

' "" "Wait a second. They are out of school for the summer!"

Goodbye sleep. I hardly knew thee. '

As a parent, during summer vacation, this line had me torn between: the desire to cry, the desire to laugh, and the desire to scream. Pretty sure A Ghost in the Wind can back me up on that one. The rest of the RP just made me smile, good stuff. Overall, well written. Just one or two places with awkward wording, nothing that really stuck out. Good match relevance, and good writing.

Thank you, Kris I appreciate the feedback

[Bubba]

Thanks for the feedback guys! I'm sorry I haven't given any in return. I will be better about it I promise!

[Deleted]

I haven't been giving you folks the feedback you deserve lately, sort of dogging it in my involvement in the fed due to a truely FANTASTIC summer vacation. Consider this an apology! Gonna go through as many as I can, probably in reverse order.

Wasp's 'How it Ended': And we immediately start outside my comfort zone as my dumbass doesn't know how to review comedy. The ending made me laugh because I love Lonely Island, so there you go I guess?

High Tide's "How It All Began": I appreciated this one because it was caried with very little speech. I'm working on a character who's sort of quiet right now, and it's not going very well because I'm not good at handling scenes without dialogue yet. This didn't have a lot of speech in it, just him mulling over what's been going on. I feel like him talking about getting angry was a bit surprising, because the dude didn't seem any meaner or angry to me. But otherwise, a fine piece o' work.

Dollface's "Mystery Flavor Fuck Lolly": What a title. I like how all over the place her internal monologue is while the description is very flat and unemotional. Makes sense, given her state of mind. I REALLY liked the paragraph comparing herself to the other women of PCW. That was greast stuff. Sadistic's a dillhole.

Crazy Boy's "One More Achievement": The nature of PCW is such that when a straight wrestling promo happens it tends to stand out. This was much more WWE than our usual Lucha Underground fare, not that that's a bad thing. One of the things that I liked here is some reasoning why Tyrone himself would join the(un)Stable. You see a lot of "As a unit we're unstoppable" stuff in fedding but rarely is there a reason for the individual members to want in. With the Black Hand being such a massive threat, it makes sense that people would need to get together. This is the best one so far at making me excited for the tag belts. Good stuff. A litle thin, honestly, I could have used a bit more. It was good though.

Saniti's "Nero Shall Fiddle Again - Chapter 4": So, as I've said over and over again, what appeals to me most about PCW is the way it encourages a more literary approach to the hobby. It allows us to focus as much on our side characters and stuff as it does on the wrestler themselves. I really appreciated starting with this super sweet Grigori and Naomi scene. I really liked Naomi's super unamused "Thank you for your consideration." I super need a primer on Saniti's side character's, because the cast is super interesting. if you're ever down to educate me, I'd appreciate it. "She squelched" Ugh. Gross. Nathan's final threat to the rest of his crew was wonderful. Great stuff.

Bubba's "An Awkward Encounter": Man, that green is hard to read on the board. So was the blue. I had to highlight everything in here to read it. I really appreciated Bubba's sense of humor in a week where everyone's sort of heavy and bummed out right now. "I hate when blood runs down the back of your throat! It is so nasty! There’s gotta be a better way to get a bloody nose to stop bleeding. You got any suggestions? " That made me laugh. Literally laugh. Good stuff. Great work.


Gonna try and get to more later!

[A Ghost in the Wind]

Jul 22, 2015 20:31:28 GMT -5 @light said:

The nature of PCW is such that when a straight wrestling promo happens it tends to stand out. This was much more WWE than our usual Lucha Underground fare...

Comparing PCW to Lucha Underground is a comparison that I can dig. Good call out.