Return to Glory RP feedback

[Gem]

Let's try to get a good turnout for this for the PPV. I'm still on vacation, but I'll do my best to keep up.

Anarchist - I like the diary/journal feel of the beginning here. It's a different and organized way to collect your thoughts while staying on topic. This is definitely a new feel from the Jason Willard I remember, and it's clear you've grown and matured as a person and as a writer. Well done, and a good start for your run at the titles.

[The Anarchist]

Thank you! I appreciate the feedback.

I have always enjoyed your work. Be it Lantlas, Nacho or Gem. Your rp here is no different.

"I will make the Black Hand hold a White Flag"

Love that line. It's pitch perfect and quite an exclamation point. The same can be applied to the open letter where Gem is expressing to her dad who she is, who she is about to face, and where her focus is at. Nevermind the fact she also has another presence after her, looking to continue her vile, violating ways.

Great read. Really paints an emotional visual, and as a reader, drew me into Gem's plight and state of mind. Really enjoyed the read.

[Eira]

Alexa Black

"Drinks and Deliberation"

You get a lot of feedback begging you to give us some insight into Alexa, show us something more than directionless ultraviolence - and you've finally done it! This RP showed more to your character than "crazy because crazy", allowing us a glimpse into Alexa's mind and showing her for what may be the first time as a multidimensional character. My only suggestion would be to differentiate between dialogue (internal or external) with quotation marks or some kind of formatting (such as quotation marks for speech, italics for internal thoughts). I genuinely enjoyed reading this, and I'm quite interested to see where you take Alexa from here. Well done, Simon.

[Alexa Black]

Jul 29, 2015 9:14:50 GMT -5 Eira said:

Alexa Black

"Drinks and Deliberation"

You get a lot of feedback begging you to give us some insight into Alexa, show us something more than directionless ultraviolence - and you've finally done it! This RP showed more to your character than "crazy because crazy", allowing us a glimpse into Alexa's mind and showing her for what may be the first time as a multidimensional character. My only suggestion would be to differentiate between dialogue (internal or external) with quotation marks or some kind of formatting (such as quotation marks for speech, italics for internal thoughts). I genuinely enjoyed reading this, and I'm quite interested to see where you take Alexa from here. Well done, Simon.

Thank you Eira

[Grimm]

Married With Four Children: Interesting back and forth between paying your opponents compliments (which we don’t see all that often in RPs, so nice work there) and the expected ‘we’re going to win’ bits. And even here, they aren’t the over-the-top brags that come across as white noise in efedding. I also realized a few days ago that Willard is one of the more ‘normal’ people in the fed, and by that I mean he doesn’t try to force his mental state on anyone, he’s not a wizard or a walking tall tale or involved in any conspiracies or secret societies…he’s a guy going through life with a family and just so happens to make his living as a wrestler. It’s actually kind of a nice palette cleanser, to be honest.

The Alliance Lives: Okay, so maybe this one wasn’t as clean as the other half of TUHA (if I may be annoyingly nit-picky about typos and the like), and I’m not sure about the hopping between quotations and script-style writing when it came time for dialogue (did you two go back and forth together on this one?), but again, it’s nice to see the occasional ‘real life’ aspect come into play in an RP. The family dynamics here are a good way to show that these two have a long history together.

It's All Because of You: I hate to break it to Gem, but as long as PCW still has members who were around in the days when Lantlas was active, she’s never going to emerge out from under his shadow. Ain’t gonna happen. And I fully expected to see another RP in which Gem sounded more like Nacho Grande than Lantlas (nobody respects me, what do I have to do to get them to appreciate me, etc.), and with Nacho Grande / Grant playing the role of Jacob Roth or Nacho’s Taco Bell buddies (shut up and give them no choice but to notice you, make them believe you’ve earned this opportunity, etc.), but this story with Auntie took it all down a really dark path. I’ve never been comfortable commenting on RPs that the writer has come out and stated are based on real life in some way, so I suppose I’ll just say run with it, and I hope it helps in some way.

Drinks and Deiliberation: It seems like the majority of the Alexa Black RPs I’ve seen have taken place backstage or in a locker room, so it was nice to see her outside of the arena for once. It was also a breath of fresh air to read one in which, instead of Alexa going on about how crazy she is and how much she likes to hurt people, she’s actually thinking strategy in regards to upcoming opponents. Like Kris mentioned in her feedback, you’ve established the basic idea of the character. Now we want to continue learning about the why’s and the wherefore’s. Keep this up, Simon.

[Nacho Grande]

Bubba- While I was expecting an absurd piece, mostly because I used to RP with a guy named Bubba (Who had a midget named Faunterloy, but that's another story), this was pretty straight-forward. I'd love to see some more depth to the character and what he does when he's not promo-talking, but what you've done here so far is definitely solid.

[Nacho Grande]

Winston Wilson - Within the first paragraph, I see both something you can build upon, and something you need to work on. Let me try to explain.

Your descriptions are good, very vivid even, but lose the phrase "we see." Unless you're Anthony Douglas writing a screenplay, you don't need that. Everyone knows we're seeing it, because we're reading it. It's longwinded and you don't need it.

Also, I would suggest either proofreading, or having someone proofread for you. Example, again in the first paragraph:

"His purple silk kimono covers his huge body it's pattern a gold dragon which winds it's way down his shoulder had across his stomach. His hair is as it should be in a chonmage or Japanese haircut with a topknot, only worn by rikishi and so an easy way to recognize that he is a man in the sumo profession."

*Rikishi - proper names are capitalized.
*its - When you're describing a person or an object, there is no apostrophe. It's = It is.
*had across his stomach? What does that mean?
*These two sentences could be made into three and really cut down. "His purple silk kimono with a gold dragon pattern covers his huge body. It winds its way down his shoulder and across his stomach.
*His hair, in the traditional Japanese chonmage, dons his recognizable sumo attire." See how much cleaner that is?

You've got something working for you, now you just need some fine tuning. There are plenty of people here who are probably willing to help you with that, and it's a quick way to improve your score.

[Nacho Grande]

Alexa Black - You've definitely improved since I started reading you. I really like the one sentence style you're working with. You still need some proofreading work to fix basic errors, but your narrative is immensely better.

[Nacho Grande]

Grimm - Ah, my old nemesis... Is it wrong that I read your RPs in a film noir narrator style? I think that's mostly because every word you use has purpose; nothing is wasted. Everything lines up like a perfectly sequential storyboard, hitting all the right notes at the right time. This is longer than your usual schtick, though to be fair I'm comparing it to those pieces from our tag team wars, but it's nonetheless great.

[Nacho Grande]

Nathan Saniti - This was an interesting blend of a conversation with much different characters, and your usual trippy narrative. I like the combination of you and Crazy/Alexa, I'd love to continue seeing where it goes.

[Gem]

Thanks for picking up the slack, Nacho.

[Nacho Grande]

No problem, glad I could help.

[Sadistic]

Nero Shall Fiddle Again - Chapter 5
by Nathan Saniti

This was my favorite RP of the cycle. Dan, your writing is always top notch and colorful. Between your two characters, I wonder if you've ever considered writing some sort of mythological or superhero novel? It would be excellent.

This RP hit on all the important stuff while also telling a captivating story. I was already curious about Nathan and the mask from your previous piece, and that curiosity has now been ratcheted up ten fold. The interaction of Rasputin, Naomi, and Fate was most excellent. The revelation of Saniti losing his powers was a great reveal and should provide for further interesting storytelling. What really caught my attention was the Stranger. Perfect villain description and I'm completely enthralled with this story right now. Can't wait to read the next installment. Well done, sir.

[Sadistic]

This RP is brought to you by the following organizations...
by Nacho Grande

Man, I forgot how much of a Nacho mark I am. A Nacho RP never disappoints in being a rapid fire barrage of witty takes, cultural references, and hilarious inside jokes...all of which I appreciate immensely.

Now, was Zoey dressed as Bane, or was Zoey dressed as Jury? Provocative...

The organizations that donated to the campaign had me cracking up with a Who's Who of PCW buffoon alums being referenced. Being completely unaware of the opposition, and possibly even your own partner, was pretty damn funny. Only gripe here was all of the character reveals. Or the timing of them, I should say. While it was awesome to see all of the familiar faces, I think it could have been built for a bigger reveal a ways down the road. But it was still awesome regardless. Another one of my favorite reads for this cycle.

And I don't know why, but Jeff from Northern Ohio always makes me laugh.

[Judge]

I also picked N. Santini as my favorite rp of the cycle. Really great work from everyone! I <3 The Stranger already, only because Im a sucker for villains.

Nacho bro, you is funny dude. I went back and read some of your past work around the time i joined, I will be following you as long as your around dude!

Grimm was my second favorite rp this cycle, as always he's my favorite character in this here fake world of PCW.

BUBBA totally surprised me with your t totally awesome work and I look MOST forward to our match. High Tide you were the tits too. I think we each gave each other a run for our money...let the games begin!

[Sadistic]

These next two RPs were, in my opinion, the closest RP battle on the card.


Luke 21:28
by Eira

Beautifully written piece, as always. I'll get the critique out of the way first: I had to look really hard, but the only thing that stood out was too much focus on Gem and not enough on Showtime. Although Gem getting in Eira's way has been a pretty prevalent storyline for quite some time now, so...meh, nevermind. I love Blue Machine. It's delicious.

Your analysis of Murdoc's run in PCW was both spot on and excellent. Very well put, but also a bit frustrating. I could almost feel Eira's rage when she slammed her fists onto the table. The RP was charged with such anger and emotion and it came off extremely well. Murdoc calming Eira and reasoning with her, being her rock, was portrayed perfectly. An excellent RP that will be very tough to beat, and since I read her RP first, I didn't feel too good about Mikey's chances.

But then...


48 Hours until the State of the Union Address!!!
by Mr. Showtime

I forget Mikey's knack for bringing the thunder with his PPV RPs. In an RP, I really look for a good story, and Mike is one of the best pure storytellers in PCW. This RP was no exception. The bouncing back and forth in time worked out seamlessly and reminded me of the plot from some summer blockbuster movie. Showing where Showtime came from to the man he is now was cool. The interaction of the Black Hand members was swell and Showtime's rationale of why Eira didn't want to fight him, let alone beat him, made a lot of sense.

My only knock on this is that I noticed a handful of typos in the second half of the RP that may have hurt your score. The entire piece was very well paced as it built to the big payoff at the end. You know how some finales don't live up to the hype? That definitely wasn't the case here.

The speech was gold, as was the revelation that Showtime is running for President! The planted reporters were awesome and totally seemed like something a secret society like the Black Hand would do. Excellent RP, man.


So it's Eira's emotionally charged wordsmanship versus Showtime fantastically told bid to run for President. Awesome showdown, and good luck to you both.

[Nathan Saniti]

Okay. Sorry I'm late to the party. I couldn't find my goulashes. Or was I supposed to bring goulash? Anyhoo... Here's my feedback:

Married with Four Children

Cute little scene, and very well written with TONS of fed relevance. I love the taunting everyone does with one another. It makes me picture a very happy family. It also makes me think Willard should consider sleeping with one eye open, as much crap as he gives Destiny and Kristen.

The Alliance Lives

"Then there is Nathan, a poor love sick puppy that Kelli is leading around by his Saniti." LOL Another well written piece. You two have definitely tied your RPs together well. I've always liked that concept in tag matches and stables. Just as Willard, you had tons of fed relevance. This match is going to be a great one, methinks.

It's All Because of You

As always, an excellent story. I'm probably too dense, but the Auntie's sexuality felt a bit blurred in spots. Again, it could just be me, so take it with a grain of salt. Otherwise, I think you did very well in painting the scene. Well done.

Drinks and Deliberation.

Holy cow! I have to parrot what was said here, Simon. MUCH better RP, and I loved the story. Please keep that up. Pay just a bit more attention to grammar, spacing and punctuation (quote marks seem to be your weak spot), and you'll be climbing the ladder like I know you can in no time. MOAR! *applauds*

Keep the Streets Empty

Stahp teasing me with this book, you bastich! I wanna know what's in there! One thing I can say about PCW is that it is full of really talented writers, and Grimm is no exception, although it had been feeling like he wasn't as into it until these last two shows. I like seeing the old Grimm back. Nicely done piece that makes me want to break into the Black Chamber and make off with the goodies. Or not. Weird thing happen there. Nice imagery too.

The Warrior's Way

Another good piece, Simon. The same spacing/punctuation issues are present here, but it's obvious that you are paying attention a bit more here. He feels like a more carefully considered character, very deliberate in his thoughts and emotions, so kudos. Don't be afraid to explore him a bit more and open his past up to us. I think his traditional mindset would make for some cool RPs. Then again, I'm a sucker for the Japanese culture.

Triple Threat Date Night

*narrows eyes* Trying to get an advantage, are ya? Love the pop culture references you throw into your RPs. And if I were your kids, I'd have begged the other diners for taxi cab fare, just to not have to be seen with you. Just wow. Still... I loved it.

The Contingency Part Three: Scar Tissue

Great storytelling. It just goes to show why you left at the top of the heap and still to this day belong there. Gritty imagery abounded, freely giving the feelings you were going for, though I think the little fight scene with Godfrey and the vagrant could have used just a bit more. It seemed to just happen and the scene immediately shifted abruptly. Not a horrible lapse, just a little confusing. Otherwise, the flashback scene was spot on. I like where this is heading.

Judge: Growing Pains

Nice fight scene. I could follow along in my mind's eye, which means you did well describing it. The bedtime story was a nice way to pull in fed relevance. I think you did yourself proud with this piece. As you should be.

It's All in the Prep!

This was a good shoot-style RP, though I think it was missing Bubba's trademark wit. That's the only thing I missed about this story. He always give me a chuckle or two. Now, that's not saying that the RP was bad. Not in the least. I just liked his devil-may-care attitude that I'd seen in other RPs. However, this DOES demonstrate his focus rather well, that he's taking his opponents seriously, so that's never a bad thing.

This RP is Brought to You by the Following Organizations

No one out-Loonies Lunatic. Sorry wrong account. Love the breaking the fourth, fifth, seventy-billionth walls. I may have to step up my Looney game if we ever meet in combat. Anyhoo, it was a very entertaining RP, albeit a bit disjointed in places. I get the feeling that this was written stream of consciousness. That or your neighbors smoke some skunk weed and the wind was blowing your direction. Either way, it was fun to read, and you're living up to your reputation.

We Shall Pry Their Eyes Open

It's nice to see that Sadistic gets so haunted by his opponents. First Alexa and Eira, now Gem. Does the Hangtown Hyena have a chink in his armor when it comes to female opponents? *evil giggle* The Man in Black is a scary dude. I look forward to seeing how he plays into this in the future. The scene between Kelli and Sadistic maketh me wonder if there's another kind of soft spot... *narrows eyes again* This is going to be one helluva battle.

History Lesson

Very nice RP. It was nice to get some background on CB, though I would have preferred to get it in a story form instead of shoot form. Still, good storytelling, and I'm convinced you guys will give your competition something to sweat about.

A Bit of Jaded Hope

Talk about fed relevance. I can imagine a wrestling radio show going just exactly like this, so nicely done. Though I think I'd liked to have seen something a bit more centered around Loki himself and not just a talk show, I think you still did the story justice.

A Very Cosmic Promo

It's a shame you ran out of time on this piece. I thought it was very entertaining. Another breaker of the fourth wall? And you snubbed Lunatic as a partner? *my eyes are getting used to this narrowing stuff* I've always liked the way you write this character, I'd just like to see more from him. Triple duty sux, so I understand.

48 Hours until the State of the Union Address!!!one!!!!!!11!!!!eleventyone!!!

I liked the back and forth on the time scale. It gave it a different feel, and you sewed it together nicely. And the announcement? If Bernie doesn't get the nod, I'm writing in Michael Wryght. I really liked the jigsaw way you pieced this together. I await future chapters eagerly. Even with the added !!!!

Luke 21:28

Though not as gritty as I've seen Eira RPs of yore, this one still had an air of discontent that was palpable. It also had a bit of an air of self-defeat. Be careful with that, it can be self-fulfilling. Nevertheless, you portrayed it well, and it showed. Eira is rapidly becoming a multi-layered character, though I still dig the kill-em-all-and-let-God-sort-it-out attitude too. She doesn't show weakness easily, and I have to wonder how long before she snaps.

A Looney Introduction - Part Four

You suck. Next.

Luxuries

It's a well written Rp, I'll give you that. But I have to admit it felt a little vanilla. Don't get me wrong, you tell a good tale, but it just felt like Kincaid was just droning his disappointment with no real action going on. There's not much story here. I'm not meaning to be harsh, I just have a ho-hum attitude towards shoot style promos (ask anyone).

Candy Girl

I've already given my feedback privately to Kris about this, but I can make it public. After I read this, I immediately had to stop and write my NEXT RP. Holy shit. (Yeah, I know, she's a friend and all, but the feelings this inspired were tremendous. I think that's why we have such good "chemistry" here.) This RP brought to light some very poignant issues between the Starr-Crossed lovers. Even I can't wait to see where this takes us.

The Elixir

Holy font, Batman! Anyhoo... So a little performance enhancement, huh? Methinks a bit of involuntary drug testing may be in order. That said, this was a good piece, well written, and well described. It did tend to run on a bit, but JUST a bit. Hopefully, the elixir will assist you in retaining your belt/crown/whatever the Underground thing is considered. I think you did very well.

Tic Tac

Another very much needed piece by Kelli. This addressed her reasoning in plain terms as to why she opted to "join" the Black Hand. I do have to reiterate the whole self-fulfilling prophecy of the feeling of defeat given here. I also have to parrot the "Holy Shit" reviews of the scathing aspect directed towards NCM. This had so much venom that a rattlesnake stopped and said "Dude, chill." At least it was candy flavored venom, so there is that.

Deadline.

This was a very heartfelt piece, and I'm happy I didn't read it. holy cow, that was a lot of RPs to give feedback on. Great work, guys and gals!

[Sadistic]

Keep the streets empty
by Grimm

Everything about this RP kicked ass, starting with the threat in the title. I always feel like I learn two or three new words or phrases after reading your RP, but it's written in such a way that I know exactly what it means without looking it up. A walking thesaurus, I am not. And as always, your writing has a very ominous, mythical, even mysterious aura about it. Dragging the Hangtown Hardware Grimm Signature Edition Shovel around with him was awesome and tied in the match relevance well. I envisioned Grimm with his shovel much like an ogre or hill giant dragging around a wooden club, just waiting for a reason to use it.

Your summing up of the match stakes and your analysis of Loki's current situation were brilliant. "Grimm's word was sufficient." So simple, and yet such a sweet line. The description of the Black Chamber, both inside and out, really did it justice. The recording of things yet to come was awesome and the Book of the Black Hand, and its contents, continue to remain a mystery. Someone who can take something from Grimm with no repercussions most be part of something pretty powerful. And I can't help but wonder what needs to be updated in the book. Excellent roleplay.

[Eira]

Better late than never, right?

Sadistic

We Shall Pry Their Eyes Open

Honorable mention to those you've been tangling with yet without giving them undue "screen time". Nicely done. "obsidian stalwart" is great. You know... never occurred to me that Sadistic might have been genuinely spooked by Gem, and this was an excellent surprise. It's easy to talk about how much your opponent sucks and how much you hate them, but to paint your opponent as strong... as having a grip on your psyche, fingering the chink in your armor... that's something else entirely. The wrestling broadcast was pretty cool, too. The Man in Black, eh? Pretty sure you're not talking about Johnny Cash as the Ghost of PPVs Past here. The description was... fucking eerie. Sadistic had a deal with the Man in Black himself, huh? Iiiiinteresting, and I'd really like to hear more about that. And enter Kelli Starr! Using her trademark pink, even, well done. Sadistic skillfully (if awkwardly) did his best to get inside Kelli's head - since that PPV has already come and gone (spoiler alert!) that may have all been undone by Grimm punching her in the face at the PPV. It'll be interesting to see where they go. THEN! You add in other Black Hand members, discussing tactics and protocol, the best way to go about things - AND THEN. You reaffirm that your opponent is an actual threat, rather than blowing off her potential. Masterfully done - as we know now, a World Championship winning/retaining RP.


Nathan Saniti

Nero Shall Fiddle Again - Chapter 5

First things first, sausage and rye toast sounds amazing, hard to believe porridge won out over that. Ew. Moving on! Nathan... stripped of his powers? I can't see this going well. At all. Like holy hell, Nathan without his powers is like Grimm without his beard. Just what even is this? Oh. That's what it is. Fate has decided to put an emergency brake on Nathan's reckless use of ability to arrange things for/around Kelli. Bummer. The Stranger... I REALLY want to see more of this guy! So apparently he's ballsed everything up for them all - that sucks. The characters were portrayed very well without making them caricatures of themselves, which can be easy with such strong personalities as appeared here. Ah, but then, Nathan watches it all fall apart before his eyes, quite literally. Though I did have a bit of an internal grin at the visual of Nathan flailing rather frantically to see if his magic were indeed gone. The same sort of feeling one gets when making sure their wallet is indeed NOT where they left it - only more so. An engaging RP which raised plenty of questions - a couple of which have been answered by this point, most of which have not - leaving me wanting to know more. Very well done, Dan.