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Aug 5, 2015 22:02:24 GMT -5
Sadistic, Nathan Saniti, and 2 more like this
Post by Nacho Grande on Aug 5, 2015 22:02:24 GMT -5
::A gentleman in a suit and tie, who longtime PCW members and fans will remember as Zoey, walks out onto an empty stage with a podium. His superhero mask, reminiscent of the old days with the gang and Nacho Grande's band of merry misfits, contrasts quite a bit with his suit and tie... of course, given that it's Bane, who is not a superhero. And a villain. Why is Nacho's friend dressed up like a villain? Who has any interest in prolonging this confusion. Yeah, that's right, I quoted Ionesco. Ionesco. Eugene Ionesco. He wrote "The Bald..." Dammit, I don't have time to explain the Absurdist Movement to you, I'm just a voiceover. Yeah, bet you thought this was third-person. Well, technically it is... since I'm a voice, which means it has to be a person, and that means that...::
Zoey: Get on with it!
Voices from backstage: Yes, get on with it!
::Of course. Anyway, Zoey as Bane... Can't believe I wrote that... Approaches the podium, and adjusts his tie. Unfortunately there is no voice modifier on his Bane costume, so we will be reprieved from any Sean Connery talking through a ceiling fan impressions for the time being.::
Zoey: That's not what I was going to do!
::Yeah, I said what I said. Zoey turns around to do his best Sean Connery talking through a ceiling fan impression... I mean Bane voice.::
Zoey: Ladies and gentlemen, fans and friends, arthropods and irrational numbers, we here at the Nacho Grande Institute of Mocking the Topically Appropriate Opponents Foundation would like to congratulate you on making it this far. By now, George R.R. Martin would've killed off the voice-over and replaced him with an Ironborn or something else nobody wanted to hear about.
::Hey, that's not...::
Zoey: The Nacho Grande Institute would like to go on the record as saying that we, in no way, endorse the murdering of voiceovers for the shock value it would cause amongst our audience. That being said, I give you your 2015 Pure Class Wrestling Hall-of-Famer, NAAAAAAAAAAACHHHHHOOOOOOOOO GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRANNNNNDEEEEEEE!
::Nacho Grande, followed by his loyal flunkies Beef Supreme and Quesa Dilla, handhook their way out on the stage. The three, like Zoey, have their usual masks with suits and ties, although their own random twists upon them. Nacho Grande sports a giant, clown-like bowtie with Deadpool on it, and he steps toward the podium where Zoey is standing.::
Zoey: Before we begin tonight's mockery, we would like to thank the following organizations for their donations to our campaign. The Society of Those Who Have Been Thrown in the Colorado River, The Multi-Colored Chair Descriptions Foundation, Those Who Have Glass in their Skin From Glass Table Matches, The PCW Superstars Who Had One Match and Disappeared into Narnia, The Kri Delastano Organization for Never Getting a Rematch, and the Zellmo Home of Copyright Infringement. Nacho?
Nacho Grande: Thank you. Before I get to answering your first question...
::Nobody asked one yet.::
Nacho Grande: Shut up, Steve. You're just a voice.
::Oh yeah, well you're a...::
Nacho Grande: Leave your stupid comments in your pocket. You're lucky anyone knows your name to begin with. Anyway, before I answer the first question, I would like to thank the State of South Carolina for sponsoring this event, where we will address the horrible conspiracies brought on to the tag division by convincing so many of these competitors that they should take up wrestling and not something a little less challenging, like coloring. I'd also like to thank Zoey, Steve, Beef, and Quesa for agreeing to be here tonight, seeing as how we've been gone for a while, and are hard pressed to do any research now that we're out of school.
Seeing as the Republican nominees for President have gotten to be so numerous, they almost resemble the clown car of opponents Derek Cosmos and I will be facing at Return to Glory, we've instead opted to do no opposition research, and go with just mocking the hell out of the ones we know, and guessing on the rest. Hey, Taco Bell's busy work, don't you be groaning at me in my own sketch. Now, representing the Nacho Grande Institute, welcome first, Beef Supreme!
::Beef Supreme walks confidently across the stage to a new podium, doing the British Queen handwave gesture along the way.::
Beef Supreme: Thank you, thank you everyone, and just for the record, I did not exhale. ::cough:: Now, let's take a look at Cosmic Nachos' opponents for his return match... Fuck!
Zoey: You can't say 'fuck' on the air!
Beef Supreme: Don't worry, nobody's listening anyway. But still, come on. We can't all come out here and make fun of Crazy Boy. Well, I mean... We can, but there's only so many times we can have a conversation with ourselves. Shut up, no you shut up, Kyle! I call myself Kyle.
Nacho Grande: See, this is our dilemma. We come in here to make fun of the other superstars for your benefit, and we've been gone so long that we know exactly one of them. I don't even know my own tag team partner, do you know who he is, Quesa?
::Quesa Dilla confidently strolls over.::
Quesa Dilla: I do believe he's from... THE FUTURE!
Nacho Grande: Which future? Terminator future? Back to the Future Future? Back to the Future Past? Back to the Future Alternate Future?
Beef Supreme: Not to mention, are talking Terminator 1 future, Terminator 2 future, or alternate Terminator Genysis Nobody Even Gives a Shit At This Point Future?
Nacho Grande: Either way, he's stuck in the future, I'm stuck in the past, but fortunately, Return to Glory is the present, so by our powers combined, you can't see me, our time is now!
Quesa Dilla: Try again.
Nacho Grande: It's time to play... A Game.
Quesa Dilla: Too obvious.
Nacho Grande: Be excellent to each other.
Beef Supreme: Party on, dudes!
::Everyone air-guitars, in memory of Heavy Metal.::
Nacho Grande: The point is, Confused Marty McFly and I are about to team up to take on Crazy Boy and a bunch of other people. There's a lot of clever two-word tag team names floating around this match, but I have to ask you, have any of those tag teams ever defeated the Dillinger Brothers?
Zoey: Actually, they're part of the Black Hand now.
Nacho Grande: I'm assuming that's from the black mold growing in their beards because they haven't washed them since the Bush Administration.
Quesa Dilla: First or second?
Nacho Grande: Yes.
Quesa Dilla: That's not an answ...
Nacho Grande: Point is, I know all the Nacholites around the PCW... Erm, whatever word they've used to substitute for Universe... We shall not under any circumstances mention or record the product of World Wrestling Entertainment and the Distribution or Mention Thereof is Strictly Prohibited and must come with the permission of WWE Incorporated, and if possible, Major League Baseball... Aaaaaaaanyway, I know they've been looking forward to a classic Nacho sketch parody, but with all these new names, they just make a Hall-of-Famer's brain hurt. Fortunately, I'm back to do what it is I do best, at least in the eyes of the condescending words of Frank Foley. I'm a tag-team specialist, and with a new tag team partner wishing to team up with the grooviest, most excellent tag team partner of all time, we're bringing the classic to a new generation of PCW Wrestlers. Now I know I've faced criticism for hanging out with two idiots who don't participate in the wrestling business...
Beef Supreme: Hey, we wrestled!
Quesa Dilla: Yeah, we helped take out Ace Anderson, noob.
Nacho Grande: The point is, they've been undercover for a long time. They're actually top-flight wrestling advisors, and have only been under the mask to protect their identities.
::Quesa Dilla removes his mask to reveal... Joshua Megtorlas!::
Nacho Grande: The guy who never watched television, and therefore forced himself to do so for comparative analysis' sake. But, I think you're really gonna love this one...
::Beef Supreme removes his mask to reveal... Marissa McCool! Oh shit, Beef's a chick!::
Beef Supreme: One with a winning record in PCW, Nimrod.
::Zoey strolls out onto the stage again.::
Zoey: Now don't forget about the Snuggy Superstar and Jeff.
::The Snuggy Superstar and his companion, Jeff from Northern Ohio, join the entourage on stage. The Snuggy Superstar removes his Snuggy to reveal... Kri Delasatano! The Great Indian Warrior of Early PCW!::
Quesa Dilla: Oh damn, I didn't even know that one.
Beef Supreme: But who is Jeff? I gotta know.
Jeff: Jeff.
::A few seconds of silence.::
Quesa Dilla: Yes?
Jeff: From Northern Ohio.
Beef Supreme: Well I guess Jeff is just... Jeff.
Jeff: From Northern Ohio. Jeff.
Quesa Dilla: What about Zoey? We're all dying to know who Zoey is. Ever since Gem went and found him again.
Beef Supreme: Where is Gem, anyway?
Nacho Grande: Let's not talk about that.
Quesa Dilla: Why not?
Nacho Grande: I... Don't think she quite understands the art of the parody yet.
Beef Supreme: So? She could still hit Snuggy Superstar with a chair.
Snuggy Superstar: Hey!
Nacho Grande: We're just not going there right now, drop it. Anyway, Zoey?
::Zoey sighs and removes his Bane mask to reveal... Al Laiman!::
Beef Supreme: Holy shit, the guy who's been motivating Nacho for years has been Al this whole time!
Quesa Dilla: Damn, it's like there's been this one guy trying to put all of us together in one place for all these years or something!
::Pause.::
Nacho Grande: Regardless of having one of the greatest promoters, wrestlers, columnists, and commentators as my top advisor. Regardless of having a rag-tag team of former PCW misfits keeping me centered. Regardless of thinking that Mr. Turner didn't actually die in that motorcycle accident, thus not revealing his fate until the sequel more than two decades later, I do proclaim that I, Nacho Grande, am who I say I am. I'm the Perennial Underdog, the King of References, the Inspirational So-and-So, and now, PCW Hall-of-Famer. Derek Cosmos, be prepared for a ride through present times before you return to the future, and in that ride will come the luxury of the belts that I helped make famous, the PCW Tag Team Championship Belts. We're going to put the Great back in Greatest. And as always, we'll be... HANGIN' TOUGH!
::The music hits once again, and the collective crew of PCW Misfits, past and present, handhook their way off the stage, thus realizing that even their attempted parodied bit went off the collective rails, but still made much more sense than anything in the GOP Debates will. Snap.::
Zoey: Get on with it!
Voices from backstage: Yes, get on with it!
::Of course. Anyway, Zoey as Bane... Can't believe I wrote that... Approaches the podium, and adjusts his tie. Unfortunately there is no voice modifier on his Bane costume, so we will be reprieved from any Sean Connery talking through a ceiling fan impressions for the time being.::
Zoey: That's not what I was going to do!
::Yeah, I said what I said. Zoey turns around to do his best Sean Connery talking through a ceiling fan impression... I mean Bane voice.::
Zoey: Ladies and gentlemen, fans and friends, arthropods and irrational numbers, we here at the Nacho Grande Institute of Mocking the Topically Appropriate Opponents Foundation would like to congratulate you on making it this far. By now, George R.R. Martin would've killed off the voice-over and replaced him with an Ironborn or something else nobody wanted to hear about.
::Hey, that's not...::
Zoey: The Nacho Grande Institute would like to go on the record as saying that we, in no way, endorse the murdering of voiceovers for the shock value it would cause amongst our audience. That being said, I give you your 2015 Pure Class Wrestling Hall-of-Famer, NAAAAAAAAAAACHHHHHOOOOOOOOO GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRANNNNNDEEEEEEE!
::Nacho Grande, followed by his loyal flunkies Beef Supreme and Quesa Dilla, handhook their way out on the stage. The three, like Zoey, have their usual masks with suits and ties, although their own random twists upon them. Nacho Grande sports a giant, clown-like bowtie with Deadpool on it, and he steps toward the podium where Zoey is standing.::
Zoey: Before we begin tonight's mockery, we would like to thank the following organizations for their donations to our campaign. The Society of Those Who Have Been Thrown in the Colorado River, The Multi-Colored Chair Descriptions Foundation, Those Who Have Glass in their Skin From Glass Table Matches, The PCW Superstars Who Had One Match and Disappeared into Narnia, The Kri Delastano Organization for Never Getting a Rematch, and the Zellmo Home of Copyright Infringement. Nacho?
Nacho Grande: Thank you. Before I get to answering your first question...
::Nobody asked one yet.::
Nacho Grande: Shut up, Steve. You're just a voice.
::Oh yeah, well you're a...::
Nacho Grande: Leave your stupid comments in your pocket. You're lucky anyone knows your name to begin with. Anyway, before I answer the first question, I would like to thank the State of South Carolina for sponsoring this event, where we will address the horrible conspiracies brought on to the tag division by convincing so many of these competitors that they should take up wrestling and not something a little less challenging, like coloring. I'd also like to thank Zoey, Steve, Beef, and Quesa for agreeing to be here tonight, seeing as how we've been gone for a while, and are hard pressed to do any research now that we're out of school.
Seeing as the Republican nominees for President have gotten to be so numerous, they almost resemble the clown car of opponents Derek Cosmos and I will be facing at Return to Glory, we've instead opted to do no opposition research, and go with just mocking the hell out of the ones we know, and guessing on the rest. Hey, Taco Bell's busy work, don't you be groaning at me in my own sketch. Now, representing the Nacho Grande Institute, welcome first, Beef Supreme!
::Beef Supreme walks confidently across the stage to a new podium, doing the British Queen handwave gesture along the way.::
Beef Supreme: Thank you, thank you everyone, and just for the record, I did not exhale. ::cough:: Now, let's take a look at Cosmic Nachos' opponents for his return match... Fuck!
Zoey: You can't say 'fuck' on the air!
Beef Supreme: Don't worry, nobody's listening anyway. But still, come on. We can't all come out here and make fun of Crazy Boy. Well, I mean... We can, but there's only so many times we can have a conversation with ourselves. Shut up, no you shut up, Kyle! I call myself Kyle.
Nacho Grande: See, this is our dilemma. We come in here to make fun of the other superstars for your benefit, and we've been gone so long that we know exactly one of them. I don't even know my own tag team partner, do you know who he is, Quesa?
::Quesa Dilla confidently strolls over.::
Quesa Dilla: I do believe he's from... THE FUTURE!
Nacho Grande: Which future? Terminator future? Back to the Future Future? Back to the Future Past? Back to the Future Alternate Future?
Beef Supreme: Not to mention, are talking Terminator 1 future, Terminator 2 future, or alternate Terminator Genysis Nobody Even Gives a Shit At This Point Future?
Nacho Grande: Either way, he's stuck in the future, I'm stuck in the past, but fortunately, Return to Glory is the present, so by our powers combined, you can't see me, our time is now!
Quesa Dilla: Try again.
Nacho Grande: It's time to play... A Game.
Quesa Dilla: Too obvious.
Nacho Grande: Be excellent to each other.
Beef Supreme: Party on, dudes!
::Everyone air-guitars, in memory of Heavy Metal.::
Nacho Grande: The point is, Confused Marty McFly and I are about to team up to take on Crazy Boy and a bunch of other people. There's a lot of clever two-word tag team names floating around this match, but I have to ask you, have any of those tag teams ever defeated the Dillinger Brothers?
Zoey: Actually, they're part of the Black Hand now.
Nacho Grande: I'm assuming that's from the black mold growing in their beards because they haven't washed them since the Bush Administration.
Quesa Dilla: First or second?
Nacho Grande: Yes.
Quesa Dilla: That's not an answ...
Nacho Grande: Point is, I know all the Nacholites around the PCW... Erm, whatever word they've used to substitute for Universe... We shall not under any circumstances mention or record the product of World Wrestling Entertainment and the Distribution or Mention Thereof is Strictly Prohibited and must come with the permission of WWE Incorporated, and if possible, Major League Baseball... Aaaaaaaanyway, I know they've been looking forward to a classic Nacho sketch parody, but with all these new names, they just make a Hall-of-Famer's brain hurt. Fortunately, I'm back to do what it is I do best, at least in the eyes of the condescending words of Frank Foley. I'm a tag-team specialist, and with a new tag team partner wishing to team up with the grooviest, most excellent tag team partner of all time, we're bringing the classic to a new generation of PCW Wrestlers. Now I know I've faced criticism for hanging out with two idiots who don't participate in the wrestling business...
Beef Supreme: Hey, we wrestled!
Quesa Dilla: Yeah, we helped take out Ace Anderson, noob.
Nacho Grande: The point is, they've been undercover for a long time. They're actually top-flight wrestling advisors, and have only been under the mask to protect their identities.
::Quesa Dilla removes his mask to reveal... Joshua Megtorlas!::
Nacho Grande: The guy who never watched television, and therefore forced himself to do so for comparative analysis' sake. But, I think you're really gonna love this one...
::Beef Supreme removes his mask to reveal... Marissa McCool! Oh shit, Beef's a chick!::
Beef Supreme: One with a winning record in PCW, Nimrod.
::Zoey strolls out onto the stage again.::
Zoey: Now don't forget about the Snuggy Superstar and Jeff.
::The Snuggy Superstar and his companion, Jeff from Northern Ohio, join the entourage on stage. The Snuggy Superstar removes his Snuggy to reveal... Kri Delasatano! The Great Indian Warrior of Early PCW!::
Quesa Dilla: Oh damn, I didn't even know that one.
Beef Supreme: But who is Jeff? I gotta know.
Jeff: Jeff.
::A few seconds of silence.::
Quesa Dilla: Yes?
Jeff: From Northern Ohio.
Beef Supreme: Well I guess Jeff is just... Jeff.
Jeff: From Northern Ohio. Jeff.
Quesa Dilla: What about Zoey? We're all dying to know who Zoey is. Ever since Gem went and found him again.
Beef Supreme: Where is Gem, anyway?
Nacho Grande: Let's not talk about that.
Quesa Dilla: Why not?
Nacho Grande: I... Don't think she quite understands the art of the parody yet.
Beef Supreme: So? She could still hit Snuggy Superstar with a chair.
Snuggy Superstar: Hey!
Nacho Grande: We're just not going there right now, drop it. Anyway, Zoey?
::Zoey sighs and removes his Bane mask to reveal... Al Laiman!::
Beef Supreme: Holy shit, the guy who's been motivating Nacho for years has been Al this whole time!
Quesa Dilla: Damn, it's like there's been this one guy trying to put all of us together in one place for all these years or something!
::Pause.::
Nacho Grande: Regardless of having one of the greatest promoters, wrestlers, columnists, and commentators as my top advisor. Regardless of having a rag-tag team of former PCW misfits keeping me centered. Regardless of thinking that Mr. Turner didn't actually die in that motorcycle accident, thus not revealing his fate until the sequel more than two decades later, I do proclaim that I, Nacho Grande, am who I say I am. I'm the Perennial Underdog, the King of References, the Inspirational So-and-So, and now, PCW Hall-of-Famer. Derek Cosmos, be prepared for a ride through present times before you return to the future, and in that ride will come the luxury of the belts that I helped make famous, the PCW Tag Team Championship Belts. We're going to put the Great back in Greatest. And as always, we'll be... HANGIN' TOUGH!
::The music hits once again, and the collective crew of PCW Misfits, past and present, handhook their way off the stage, thus realizing that even their attempted parodied bit went off the collective rails, but still made much more sense than anything in the GOP Debates will. Snap.::
