Deadly Intentions VI Role Play Feedback

[Grimm]

Seems like a PPV should have a thread.

[Loki]

I hope to have my feedback up tomorrow. I emailed myself the rp's that were posted but I didn't get a chance to read them today. I just want to say to everyone that's already posted, great job. And to those of you that haven't posted, I'm looking forward to reading your work.

[Grimm]

A Lethal Dose of Poison: First of all, you misspelled ‘Lethal’ in the subject, but you spelled it correctly in the RP. As I’ve said before, I don’t like to pick out things like that but when it’s in the title of the piece it kind of jumps out at you. But anyway…good job on showing Alexa’s conflict over being part of a tag team. We’ve seen her turn on a dime in the middle of a match, so Crazy Boy would be well advised to watch his back, right? And with Alexa’s well-documented mental health and anger issues, I found it interesting that not only did she have the wherewithal to direct a training session, but that enough people were willing to sign up for a whuppin’. Though I suppose if you can hang with the likes of the Black Widow, you’re well on your way to becoming a pretty solid wrestler.


The Great Hunt: Brotherhood: It looks like Judge will be getting the majority of your effort this cycle (I presume), but like the RP says, “Jury was full heartedly dedicated to making this sacrifice.” One of the benefits of handling an entire team by yourself, I guess.


Job Interviews are for Suckers: Kaard is one of the breaths of fresh air in the fed, in that he’s a ‘normal’ (as normal as a pro wrestler can be) guy who happens to make his living as a human spectacle. This RP keeps it up, and also does a swell job of showing he’s not nearly as full of himself as most of us are in PCW. He gets worried about certain opponents. He figures he’s screwed up his shot at a contract. You know, as opposed to storming in and threatening everyone with a beating. And once again, I like the bits where we see Justin’s thought process as it plays out over the course of a PCW event.


Six Feet Underground / Declaration: And this is the opposite of Alexa Black’s problem with being in a tag team…we get the whole gamut of emotions here in PCW. Like I mentioned with Kaard’s RP, it’s nice to see a wrestler actually concerned about their wellbeing. Willard makes a pretty strong point about not wanting to be Underground champion, too. Not wanting to take part in matches like that over and over makes sense.

And yet he’s going to take part in a catastrophic rumble the same night as said Underground title match. Interesting decision there, Mr. Anarchist. Depending on the outcome (or maybe regardless of), I bet Destiny will have something to say about all of this once the PPV is over.


Who is Ezra? Alrighty, this RP establishes the type of guy Blackstone is. I’m interested to see where Ezra goes from there, and how he ends up interacting with the rest of the federation.


Big Times Ahead: I like Hiroshi. He seems like a pretty cheerful dude, although we’ll see how cheerful he is when he unleashes the power of sumo in the Rumble.


Nero Shall Fiddle Again – Chapter 9: What can I say that hasn’t been said before…you’ve got Lord Chaos’s schemes, Nathan’s story with those aspects of his existence, and his ongoing struggles with his darkening persona in the PCW world. Another solid RP.


Treasure Hunting: Bubba’s got a hard row to hoe with all those injuries. But hey, if new Black Hands can’t help him, nothing will. (Also, nice job showing the Reece family dynamic in this piece.)

[The Anarchist]

A Lethal Dose of Poison: I'm an Alexa Black fan, that's not really a secret these days. Her emotion on being trapped in a tag team that is struggling to find a winning path was on point. As the reader, I really felt her anger about losing again. "I am not a tag team wrestler I don't belong here" followed with "I belong in the underground where I can thrive and cause misery and suffering which I so love to do." is some really strong insight. She doesn't play nice with others and feels the Underground is more her style (I absolutely agree, Alexa would rock in the division). Her unbridled anger throughout the piece was well noted and I'm sure will carry into the Rumble, where it's her vs. everyone. Keep up the good work!

The Great Hunt: Brotherhood: I like the sacrifice theme with Jury here. He's perfectly fine with making sure Judge retains his title at any cost, while making his intentions known on the secondary titles. Taking a page from The Hand's playbook on unifying for success is a nice addition as well. Looking forward to seeing the next chapter.

Job Interviews are for Suckers: I don't think I was around the last time Tom handled Kaard, but I could be wrong on that. I really like the line, "It was a high that no drug could match" as it pertained to rekindling the fight with old rivals. I especially am a fan of his thought process in real time, as he saw Wryght about to get involved. Without any hesitation, Justin bolted with road runner speed and foiled that idea from the crowd. I laughed over the dreaded two word examples further in the rp and really enjoyed the entire HQ section in your rp. I think I'm going to become a big fan of this character and fast. Really solid work here.

Who is Ezra?: Nice introduction to the character. Suckering Michael into ordering two beers for you was hilarious, and the arrogant attitude of Ezra was entertaining. Looking forward to seeing how Ezra develops over time. So far, so good.

Nero Shall Fiddle Again - Chapter 9: This might be my shortest feedback. Amazing RP. Nothing else to add, just wow.

Grimm tidings we bring, to you and your kin: I love reading Grimm RP's. I feel like I always learn some new word every time, love the creative depth that Nate brings to the character and feel transfixed with every description given. I'm going to go on record here and say he's winning the Rumble (idc if I'm in the match, I'm picking him). Grimm v Sadistic/Saniti would be freaking amazing to see go down, and may have to take place somewhere other than the arena. As a poet myself, I LOVED the opening prose. Apply that to the mental image I had of the environment as well. I enjoyed reading Grimm's thought process as it pertained to the Rumble, the nature of the match and it's participants. Like Saniti, this was an amazing RP.

Treasure Hunting: It was really cool to see the family stuff here and mentioning of his wounds from Braddock. The addition of the “black hands” makes for a nice accessory piece, especially given whom they belonged to. Makes it feel that much more important and valuable to Reece, as opposed to them just being just another pair of random gloves. Good stuff!

[Loki]

This is the order they showed up in my email, not necessarily the order in which they were posted.




A Lethal Dose of Poison – Alexa Black

You have definitely come a long way from the days of “I’m carazay!” I particularly liked the training montage scene; it shows that Alexa is taking this deadly serious. My biggest critique would be that you need to tighten up your mechanics a bit more. You’ve got some run on sentences that would benefit from a comma or two. You also have a tendency to start sentences with the same word a lot. I know this can be hard to avoid but I think mixing up your sentence structure would do a world of good for you.


Big Times Ahead - Hiroshi Yukio

I love that Hiroshi is a complete 180 from Alexa. Where she’s all grr arg scary stuff he’s good natured and jovial. I haven’t had the opportunity to read as much of his stuff as I would have liked, but I’m hoping you delve more into his past. Who is this character, why is he here, what’s his motivation, things like that. I think in this day and age most people move away from big characters but they are always fun to see done well. Again I would say just to work on tightening up your mechanics, but a good job overall.


Declaration – Jason Willard

I’m definitely intrigued by the idea of Willard NOT wanting to win the title. It’s a theme that doesn’t come up very much in our pretendy fun time business. I wish you’d have gone into more detail about why? Why doesn’t he want to win, why doesn’t he like the hardcore style? Is it just a general disdain for it or is there more to it? I think you missed an opportunity with that but otherwise a fantastic rp.


Grimm Tidings We Bring, To You And Your Kin – Grimm

In a word, spookie. That little nursery rhyme at the start was just downright unsettling. I personally appreciate the little nod to Loki and not having to worry about him, but that’s me and I might be a tad biased on that. Its pieces like this that make me glad I’m not facing Grimm again.


Nero Shall Fiddle Again: Chapter 9 – Sah-nee-tee

I absolutely love the Lord Chaos segments you’ve been writing. We have a tendency to get too grounded in reality in this game and it’s wonderful when someone decides to say fuck it and play fast and loose with reality like you do. Makes me miss my vampire hunter character. But as unsettling as the Lord Chaos bit is, it doesn’t hold a candle to the darkness that Saniti brings. I had my misgivings about the character when you first started but he’s grown to be one of my favorites. You’ve done great with him and you deserve to be in this match, good luck, Dan.

Six Feet Underground – Jason Willard

I’ll echo my sentiments from earlier, it’s an interesting twist to see someone in a title match NOT want to win the title. I’ll also echo that I wish you’d gone into a little more detail about why you didn’t want to, though you did give more information in this one. I can completely understand an aging superstar not wanting to get involved with the crazies in that division.

The Great Hunt: Brotherhood – Jury

I have to wonder just what Jury’s aspirations are. He doesn’t want the Underground title because he doesn’t want to take it away from his brother, and he doesn’t want to win the Deadly Rumble because he doesn’t want to cross Sadistic. So what’s his motivation? Color me curious. This piece is an example of one that would benefit from proof reading, you’ve got a good piece here but one that would be made that much better if you proof read it first to tighten it up a bit.

Treasure Hunting – Bubba Reece

I laughed harder than I probably should have at Lizard Gizzard Coal Mining. The rest of it was a good look into just what kind person Bubba Reece is; a tough S.O.B that works hard to get the job done even when he should probably just take it easy. This was a great character piece. Again, this is another rp that would benefit from proof reading. We’re a pretty friendly group, generally people are willing to proof read work if you just ask them

Who is Ezra – Ezra

The one thing I would caution is using PCW personal all willy nilly. I don’t know if Malone counts as fair use but I know Luis usually likes it when people ask permission to use the characters so that’s something to keep in mind. The other thing is the character comes off as kind of generic. He’s just all “grrr, I’m a bad ass and I’m gonna get chu”. The problem with that is we have a lot of that in PCW already, so I’m hoping that in the coming weeks you show us exactly what sets Ezra Blackstone apart from the pack.

The End is Nigh – Judge

There are a lot of good things in this piece. The dynamic of a broken family is played very well as is the bond between Judge and Jury. However, there are a lot of errors that make this hard to read, most of them simple spelling and punctuation errors. There was also a pretty big factual error when talking about the other titles. PCW doesn’t have a US or Intercontinental title, it has the North American and International. I don’t want you to think I’m just pointing out all the negatives, because beneath the problems I see a lot of talent in this piece, you just need to take your time and clean it up a bit.

A Deadly Rumble – Judge

Framing The Black Hand for murder, well that’s ballsy. Wonder how the others feel about that. It’s also interesting just how many criminals and psychopaths seem to find gainful employment in PCW, don’t we screen for these people!? I feel like this one was a lot better put together, more time taken with it. While it did still have a couple of errors, it didn’t have nearly as many as your previous one. My one gripe with this one was how ham fisted the match relevance felt. Now admittedly, it can be hard to work in match relevance especially when the bulk of your story doesn’t involve the PCW verse but this just seemed really glaring to me.

Nero Shall Fiddle No More – Sadistic

See…I don’t like this. And here’s why. Sadistic has always been the bad guy but pieces like this make you stop and wonder, is he really the bad guy? Is he really a bad guy? Is he really bad? Fuck you for making me think hard thoughts, Josh! All kidding aside, I absolutely loved it. Pieces like this show why he’s the champion and why he’s been for nearly a year. Saa-nee-tee has his work cut out for him, that’s for sure.

The Warden of Wayward Souls : Chapter XIX – Stormm

While we might give you a lot of guff for always finding a way into the main story arc, your story here is very well told. I honestly like the idea of Stormm out of his element. Away from the splendors of being the rich kid and trying to live in Hangtown, very fish out of water. Keep up the good work, mang.

[Loki]

The Massacre – Crazy Boy

So that happened. I liked the idea of the bodies serving as effigies for the other competitors in the Deadly Rumble, very nicely done. The idea that he’s willing to go to such extremes, even if it’s just in his own mind, to win is a newer side of CB that I think he needs to explore more, though I caution keeping the killing to a minimum otherwise it just gets overdone and loses any shock value it might have. And the other thing that I’ve mentioned in a lot of other feedback, proofread. Proofreading is very important. You’ve got a lot of little grammatical and spelling errors that really detract from the overall piece. Otherwise a nicely done roleplay.

[Judge]

I honestly didn't catch those belt errors, thank you. I'll be honest though my phone corrects a lot of my stuff, but I'll proofread it more now! Thank you Loki

[Loki]

Feedback, round 2, FIGHT!



No Smoke Without: Part Four – NCM

That was a pretty heavy piece. I’m interested to learn more about the Ezra characters (not to be confused with Ezra currently in PCW) but I find myself slightly confused by the ending, but I think that’s to be expected, and hopefully explained in coming weeks. Two things I feel I should point out, wild card is two words and I hit you with the NA title, not a chair. Other than those two very minor things, I really enjoyed this piece, great work, Rick.


Wind in the Sails – High Tide

I would think that a cannon firing marbles, whether glass or steel, would do a lot more damage than simply leaving welts. But that’s just kind of nitpicking. I enjoyed this piece a lot. I’m never really sure if the events going on in Tide’s rps are actually happening, if they’re just in his head, or if like Saniti he operates in some other plane of reality. Also, I laughed harder than I probably should have at Fudge and Fury.


The Oath of Office – Mr. Showtime

“Let’s go kill Mr. Showtime” That line right there, even though it was a ways in really set the tone for this piece. I liked this piece, a lot actually. Great bits of foreshadowing, some great character building, and even a great death. Some might see dream sequences as a bit cliché but you did this one justice. Good job, mang.


An Unexplained Letter – Wasp

Well shit, that’s heavy. A little crass in parts, but not overly, not enough to really detract. It does lead into lots of questions. Who is Sarah? Is this legit? If so Mazel Tov, if not it’s going to be interesting to see where Wasp goes with it. I think my favorite part of this was the ending, even on paper you can almost hear Martin’s world grind to a halt. Good job.


Kid in a Candy Store – Dollface

“Fully of squishy hate” I already like this rp. I also love the fact that you turned attempted homicide into a flavor; what’s more is you aren’t far off cause black licorice is yuck. I am impressed that you seem to have given yourself a new catchphrase though, that takes some talent. “All’s fair in candy and asswhoopery” is perfect for Kelli. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at pop rocks the same way after this, little pouch of shame dust indeed. Also, great protip, everyone should take not of that. A very enjoyable RP, one of your better ones with Kelli, even with the time constraints. It’s completely in line with her personality. You said you were worried you’d gotten a little ham fisted with parts but for some reason ham fisted for Kelli comes across as genuine and natural.


A Debt Repaid – Mr. Showtime

Another great fish out of water story. Showtime has been with The Black Hand since the beginning but he’s never seemed to fit in, especially in Hangtown. Then again I don’t think anyone fits in Hangtown unless your last name is Dillinger. It was also another interesting “maybe he’s not so bad” moment with Sadistic and catching him off guard with that question. I don’t like that, stop doing that. Let me have my preconceived notions of Billy Sadistic, god dammit!


Awakening 1:1 – Eira

That first paragraph…Eira isn’t bitter at all. But that’s a good thing, she’s got a reason to be. The rest of the piece….daaaaaaamn. I’ll admit that I’m not up on the whole story between The Order and The Black Hand but you still made the piece really accessible and easy to follow. After everything that’s happened to her recently I can’t wait to see what she does next.


Its Late….idgaf – Braddock

First things first, I give you props for posting regardless of deadline. Most people would have just said fuck it and not posted. Second things second, I do believe the PCW-verse exists outside the realm of WWE, TNA, ECW, etc; so just something to keep in mind. There’s a lot of things that work very well in this rp, the sense of desperation is damn near palpable. When worked side by side with the addiction, it paints an interesting picture of Braddock that I’d love for you to explore more. The biggest issue I had with this rp, is the shoot section at the end. Stuff like that isn’t normally included in rp’s, it’s done more on the News and Rumor sub-board, but all in all that’s a fairly minor gripe. Here’s hoping you can get back on track after the ppv.

[Mr. Showtime]

Loki- I like to think that Showtime is one of the very few that knows the human side of Sadistic. The rest of you get the monster...Mwah-Ha-ha-ha

Also great work on the feedback this cycle! Props to the others who've left some as well.