7 Things I Hate About Wrestling (Deadly Rumble)

[David Hunter]

#1 – It’s Completely Ruined His Love Life – April 20, 2020

They’ve met at a neutral location. Not Gravity Falls, not Tampa or Mr. Silvers trinket shop.

The location itself was difficult to decide, but they actually agreed on the last place he really wanted to visit.

It’s been a while since he’s been to Beacon. He went to school here for a bit during his off time of being with Ace and Argit. It was not long after he graduated high school actually. The time frame is all kinds of fucked up, mostly because David’s involvement at Beacon Academy was pretty minimal. Show-up, get a few lessons from a few instructors—including Nathan, which he didn’t know at the time, insult Glynda for her relationship with his father, get in trouble enough to get detention unrelated to the aforementioned insults, and then eventually just kinda get kicked out because fuck that school ya know?

To call this neutral is a stretch but given the alternative is Beach City and David and Lapis have become partners on a few missions for Mr. Silver they considered it too bias towards him.

‘They’ being his group of ‘friends’ obviously. Mercury, Ace, Argit, and Nathan for those who need a reminder. None of them are bothering to be here, though Qrow has deigned an appearance. It’s a good excuse to see his nieces as much as it is a reason to actually help out for once. His presence isn’t comforting, least of all because of his semblance.

Miss Poppins appearance is surprising though, doubly so since I get to have someone here who can hear me given Heather’s absence which is nothing but a godsend for my ears.

The reason why all of the parties are here is probably the stupidest thing Beacon’s ever had the privilege of hosting.

They’re going to allow David and Angelica Schuyler to talk so that David can finally move on.

It sounds easy right?

If you know anything about David, no matter how small, you know it never is.

So Glynda decided to do as little help as she could and stuff the four of them into a classroom with no windows and locked the door from the outside. Now, obviously, all four of them in the room could easily find alternative methods to open the door should they want to, but nobody is really in any mood to deal with Glynda’s bullshit.

“This all really doesn’t seem necessary,” Angelica says.

I’m inclined to agree with her, but…

“Tell me about it…” Qrow mutters.

“In a normal circumstance, you would be correct Miss Schuyler. However, both myself and Mr. Branwen are here on behalf of David. This is all moreso for him than anything,” Miss Poppins says.

David is pacing behind the classroom’s desk while Angelica has decided to lean against one of the many desks this room has to offer.

Eventually, David sigh and turns towards Angelica.

“Angel…I want to ask you a question,” he says.

“Ask away,” she says.

He opens his mouth. Then closes it. Then sighs.

Apparently this is difficult for—

“Leave him be Mr. Spicer,” Miss Poppins says.

Qrow pays this the barest of attentions, but it’s Angelica who finds this most curious.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met,” she says.

“Ah, right. Hello dear, my name is Mary Poppins. I used to be a nanny of sorts for the young Hunter and have since taken on more of caretaker role both in his life and as part of his ‘fourth group’,” Miss Poppins says.

Qrow snorts, taking a quick swig of his handy-dandy flask.

“We really need a name for that thing,” he mutters again. “Hey kid. Name’s Qrow. I’m in a similar boat to the caretaker over here though in a much more informal way. I take care of this idiot and make he doesn’t kill himself.”

David sighs, pinching his nose to alleviate the growing stress.

It won’t work. His stress never goes away.

“Now that you’re acquainted…Angel…” David starts up again. “Have you started to get over Alex? At all?”

Angelica sighs, which is about the biggest answer she could give without being direct with the answer.

David doesn’t allow her to continue with her thoughts.

“Yeah…that’s what I thought,” he says.

“I…I’m sorry David. I truly am,” she says.

“No…no, it’s fine. I’d be a dick—or, more of one, anyway—to keep harping on this. It’s fine, Angel, really.”

David turns around, allowing Angelica to walk towards him. She places a hand on his shoulder. He turns his head slightly but otherwise doesn’t meet his eyes.

“I know there’s somebody out there who can give you love that you’ve decided I deserve. I wish you the satisfaction I could never ever,” she says. “You’re different than us, better than us. You can reach that point, David.”

What follows is one chaste kiss on his cheek. She then turns towards Miss Poppins. They share a nod before the latter taps her umbrella on the floor twice. The two of them disappear is a purple swirl of magical light, taking Angelica to the place she now calls home.

Now alone, Qrow walks up to David. David turns around and embraces him, something Qrow immediately accepts.

“It’s okay kiddo,” he says.

David nods only one, but it’s enough. He lets go and they separate. David wipes his eyes of what few tears are threatening to escape before taking a deep breath.

He exhales into a pretty loud sigh. The door to the room unlocks and opens, revealing Glynda standing firm.

“I know that sigh. How did it go?” she asks.

“Better than I thought. Speaking of letting things end…” David says.

Glynda’s eyes narrow. Qrow takes this time to step back a couple paces.

“Talk to my dad. End…whatever it is you two have. He’s a married man and you know that very well. I know he still sees you whenever he’s here,” David says. “Trust me, this isn’t because I give a shit about him, but I do give a shit about Lydia and my sister. They don’t deserve him, and quite frankly, neither do you. You’re a lot better person than he is. There’s no reason to drag yourself down to his level.”

Glynda’s eyes never stop narrowing. She takes out her riding crop, the soft purple glow of magic surrounding it.

“Please leave the school’s grounds. Both of you,” she says.

David sighs once more. With a shrug, he waves for Qrow to follow.

“Fine by me. We need to leave before the Council suspects we’re here,” he says. “Of course, you could always rat us out, but I wonder what would happen if his booty call gets cut off?”

Before David exists the room, he feels his feet leave the floor. He tries to move his arms but finds them locked in place. A quick glance down sees that same soft purple surrounding his body.

Oh. It appears Glynda is pissed.

“Glynda…” Qrow warns.

“Shut up Qrow,” she snaps.

Glynda points her riding crop directly into David’s face. He doesn’t react beyond blowing a piece of his hair out of his eye.

“I’ve been dealing with you for eight years now. Every time it looks like you’re out of my life, you somehow find a way to come back. You were a terrible student. You were a terrible son. And right now? You’re a terrible person. Your father doesn’t deserve this…and he doesn’t deserve you. I may not be proud of what I’m doing with him, but at least I’m trying to help him. All you do is antagonize everyone around you until they all turn away. The only people you’ve managed to keep as ‘friends’ are only there because you won’t let them leave.

“So I want you to listen and listen closely you little shit: if I ever see you again, I will not hesitate to make you wish you were still that witch…because however good she might be magic…I can guarantee you I can do much worse.”

With that, David is let go, his feet planting firm on the ground.

The two meet eyes, David now narrowing his in response to hers.

After a few moments of a tense stare down, she looks over his shoulder at Qrow.

“Put the gun down Qrow,” she says.

“Nah. Let’s go David,” Qrow says.

David walks past Glynda, peaking behind him enough to see Qrow brandishing his weapon in its rifle mode, pointing straight at the Goodwitch.

David doesn’t bother to defend himself against her. He knows what his thoughts are on the matter.

That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt to see another adult figure in his life turn their back on him.

------------------------------------------------------------

April 24, 2020

“So is the injured knee thing legit?” Argit asks him.

“For the most part. It’s a bitch to walk on but nothing I can’t handle,” David answers.

The two of them are leaning against the counter in Mr. Silver’s trinket shop.

Okay, well…David is leaning, Argit is just sitting on the glass countertop.

“So why take the break?” the porcupine alien asks.

“Because I’m trying to build a fourth interdimensional group from nothing but my friends and I have too much shit to focus on wrestling right now,” David says.

“Huh…” is all Argit says.

The bell behind them rings. Argit looks up before looking away.

When he looks back over with wider eyes, it’s when David turns around.

David’s response is much swifter.

He takes out his pistol and aims it at the person.

“The shop’s closed,” David says.

The redheaded women in front of him doesn’t respond. Instead, all she does is stare at him.

David narrows his eyes before cocking the pistol.

“Leave. You’re not welcome here,” he says.

Again, the redheaded women doesn’t move. David looks on, staring into her eyes to try and get a gauge on her.

They’re…black. The pupils, I mean. There’s no color in her eyes.

“Who are you…?” David asks.

“Sources have had me believe that this body’s name is Ryan,” the women speaks.

The voice isn’t normal. There’s a small echo of what the voice is supposed to sound like, but it’s hidden amongst a bunch of gravel and a demonic edge.

“David, put the gun down,” Argit says.

“Why?” David asks.

“This is Ryan Freeman! She’s an A-level missing person by the Council! She’s interacted with every member of the Creators at least once! She’s been missing for years now!” Argit yells.

Wow, he’s so frightened he’s actually hiding behind the glass cabinet. Apparently fear does not mean you keep your intelligence. Who knew?

“So then tell me, ‘body whose name is Ryan’…why did you come to my apartment a couple years ago?” David asks.

‘Ryan’ doesn’t react. Again, her eyes are blank and her posture is way too stiff to be anything but abnormal.

“I wanted to test you. You were in the most prime position for me to have done so. Suffice to say, you passed by our standards,” ‘Ryan’ says.

David uncocks the pistol, slowly lowering it from pointing at the woman in front of him.

“And whose standards is ‘ours’?” he asks.

It takes ‘Ryan’ a few more moments to respond, as if she is deliberating an answer. As if even answering takes time.

Maybe it does…?

“Everyone involved who knows of our existence has taken to calling us…The Others,” ‘Ryan’ says.

“Fuck me…” Argit says.

David quickly puts his pistol away, holding his hands up to the sides of his head, palms facing ‘Ryan’.

“And who might you be in the grand scheme of things?” he asks.

“I am ‘The Other’.”

Argit doesn’t waste any time. He just turns around and bolts through the backdoor. Probably to leave this dimension to somewhere this thing isn’t.

So much for brotherhood…

“And what do I owe the pleasure of meeting the one entity who seems unmeetable?” David asks.

“You’ve taken the most risk out of everyone involved,” The Other says. “You have ties to all three of us, yet have taken a look and evaluated the situation. You have never been directly involved as a member of any of us. You have the most bias view of us. You’re arguably the most viable candidate for any of you want to be a part of. And yet…we have failed your test. I am here to determine why.”

Despite the situation, David can’t help but let out a single laugh because that’s totally smart and everything.

He lowers his hands, crossing them over his chest and leaning back against the counter.

“You want complete honesty? You’re all flawed. The Council concerns themselves too much with keeping the common order that they don’t see how we all interact. Jack—Spicer, not my dad—is the closest but he refuses to change their precious ‘Rule of Three’.

The Peacekeepers wear everything on their sleeve. You can’t argue with them. You can’t deal with them. They work alongside the other two because their job is in their name. Without peace to be kept, everything can fall out of whack. But they focus too much on what their definition of peace is that they forget that peace can be found anywhere just chaos can.

And you? Quite frankly I’ve never gotten a read on your group. You deal in favors and have the capacity to mend the bond. You have enough power to make the universe one instead of having us all teleport to the other dimensions. The Prime could be the only one with everyone involved, but instead you focus on maintaining the division. I don’t get it, quite frankly.”

Again, The Other doesn’t immediately react. This is really getting weird.

There’s got to be a reason right? They’re not just doing this for kicks.

Eventually, the silence is broken and The Other begins to speak.

“You’re a strange one…yet even now you remain unafraid,” they say.

“Oh I’m scared shitless. If I had a choice I wouldn’t be here having a conversation with the literal infinitesimal being in front of me, but the opportunity will never happen,” David says.

It takes less time for The Other to react. What comes out is more surprising.

It’s a smirk.

What?

“Aww…nice to see we’re still revered. Don’t worry kiddo, we’re not going to hurt you,” The Other says in what is assumingly Ryan’s normal voice.

What?!

David narrows his eyes, but otherwise relaxes his arms and shoulders. His hands are placed behind him on the counter.

“What? Surprised to see us so familiar? Relax. It might take a few moments to deliberate a solid answer, but when we unanimously decide someone is the best for the situation, it doesn’t take a genius to get them in control,” The Other says. “Hi there. I’ve gone by a lot of names in my time, but for posterity’s sake, just call me Ryan.”

“I’m sorry for this, but what in the actual fuck?” David asks, shouts, exclaims, all three?

The women actually releases a full-blown laugh. They hold on their lithe stomach, trying to contain what is supposedly pain.

With a wipe of their right to clear a tear, they calm down.

“Yeah that’s about the reaction we expect. We’re not as complicated as you might think…nor are we infinitesimal. If you don’t mind a bit of a tangent, we’re only fifteen entities. We’re specifically chosen out of everyone in the universe because we can afford to spend the most time away from our own dimensions. If you want to pop-up or go home? That’s fine. Your spot is filled by someone else. If you want back? You have to wait until your spot reopens. Everyone in here knows what they’re getting into.”

“Then why this…Ryan?” David asks.

“You think we chose this women because she’s special? As if…”

There’s a brief pause to allow Ryan to scratch her cheek in…guilt, maybe, possibly anxiety.

“Nah, she’s been involved as a bystander ever since Neo got involved on Earth. Between him, Diego, Jack—your dad, and all the other Creators, hell, even Leo got involved once, it just seemed like the easiest choice. We didn’t ask for her, trust me. She left her life behind to figure out the truth of reality. Instead, she met us. It was a fair trade. We tell her everything, she serves as our meat puppet when we need her.”

“That is…really fucking disturbing.”

“Ha! You haven’t lived until you’ve taken somebody’s entire entity over in favor of your own. It’s such a rush. I swear, everybody should try it.”

“I’m…I’m good,” David stammers.

With that, Ryan shrugs.

“Whatever. Look, we’re not just here to talk shop. So you think the people running the game are broken so you want to try your hand at…well…having a hand in it. I…we…can respect that. Hell, you’re bold enough to call upon two of the Forbidden Figures like it isn’t the most ridiculous thing for anybody to do. You’re definitely bold enough to lead your own group. Which reminds me…we still owe you one last favor kiddo,” they say.

David blinks a few times to recollect his sanity.

It’s not enough times, but it’s enough for him to regather where he is.

“We need help starting our group for real. I have an idea of how to go about making a name for ourselves, but we need contact to five other people. Direct contact. I know it’s highly illegal to deal with any of them personally, let alone do any cross dimension communication right now, but if I’m going to come out strong with this, we need to get them involved.”

“You’re shitting me. You actually want to get in contact with the Forbidden Figures? And what, work with them? As if. Kiddo you are playing with things you have never dealt with. Think you can handle it?” Ryan asks.

David just lets a single laugh out, making sure to keep his eyes stuck on the entity in front of him.

“I’ll take my chances,” he says.

With a shrug, Ryan just kinda lets it go I guess because apparently this entire situation is something that’s okay?

It’s not, to be clear. None of this is okay. David just asked the Devil if he could talk to God’s Angels.

“It’s your favor, kiddo. We’ll have somebody send you a list. As for us, well…I’m sure we’ll keep in touch,” Ryan says.

After Ryan leaves and David is left standing in Mr. Silver’s trinket shop by himself, it doesn’t take long before he hits the ground from all the nervousness and ballsyness that just kind of took him over.

Fucking mad lad doesn’t begin to describe it.

------------------------------------------------------------

#2 – It Hasn’t Afforded Him Any Hobbies – May 6, 2020

“Why are you still so hesitant?” David asks.

He looks through the scope of his sniper rifle, eyeing the gem creature from afar as it meanders through the ocean towards the shore.

This mission wasn’t on Beach City, thank the unknown, but it was close enough that Mr. Silver decided to stick the two of them together. It’s not even that complicated. Find the gem, make it shards, bring it back to Mr. Silver in a baggy, boom, job done.

“Because you’re a goddamn crazy person,” his comrade responds.

David looks away long enough to spot the frown on the blue water witch’s face.

“Fair,” he says.

He turns back towards the scope, regaining his position and eyesight on the target.

“I just think you’re shooting down the opportunity without giving it a chance.”

“I’ve been a part of an evil alien regime for over a thousand years. The whole ‘following a mad leader’ is part and parcel of what you’re offering,” Lapis says.

“I’m not mad. I’ve actually been quite content recently,” he says.

“Bullshit…and you know what I meant.”

She flies up a bit, allowing her water wings to stretch as she soars around the area.

“I understand you don’t want to be part of a monarch’s reign, let alone under any leader you don’t trust, but I already have Nathan, Qrow, and Mr. Silver by my side,” David says.

“That isn’t the problem. Look, you wouldn’t understand. Sure, I like working for Mr. Silver, but he can’t turn me into a carbon copy of himself just by blasting me with his eyes,” Lapis says.

“Nah, he just can give you a monkey’s paw of a deal that might benefit you somehow if you’re lucky,” David says. “He might be much of Rumpelstiltskin anymore, but that evil bustard is in there somewhere.”

When Lapis kicks him in the side, he turns away and looks back up at her.

“You don’t know his story. I don’t know all of it either but I know there’s a reason he’s here as part of this game. He left a lot behind, you know?” she asks rhetorically.

“Fine, I won’t touch that subject…but are you sure you don’t want involved?” he asks.

“Completely sure. I like my life here. I have friends…allies…someone who loves me for me,” she says.

David looks back into the scope, once again regaining eyes on the target.

“You really don’t deserve Peridot,” he says.

“Uh, excuse me? Peridot doesn’t deserve me.”

“Yeah, and Steven doesn’t deserve any of you.”

“You’re god damn right.”

“Be ready to get the shards.”

With that, the sniper is fired, sending the bullet directly into the target’s gemstone a few miles away. The thing engulfs in light and disappears into the water. Lapis is already to the shoreline when David starts putting the sniper away.

------------------------------------------------------------

May 10, 2020

“So…who are all of the Forbidden Figures?” Mercury asks.

Right. Sometimes Ace and David forget that Mercury is newer to the Game than they are.

At the moment they’re back at Mr. Silver’s trinket shop, though in a back room that isn’t the door the interdimensional laser.

Instead, they’re at a whiteboard. David is holding a red marker, ready to write while Ace is typing something on a laptop.

“The Forbidden Figures are seven entities who nobody should ever get in contact with,” David begins his lecture. “They’re known across the universe, at least to those who know of them, as dealmakers, time travelers, foreseers…or really just unknown entities that you don’t want to fuck with.”

“Why seven?” Mercury asks.

“There used to be nine but one of them decided he liked his dimension too much while the other…well…he kinda fell on hard times, for lack of a better term. He’s too stubborn to get back to where he was and nobody even knows if he still has his abilities. That’s fine, we’ll be talking with both of them eventually. It’s all part of the plan,” David says.

“So…who’s the first one we’re meeting?”

“Well…we already have a contact from the Wizarding World thanks to Phoenix, or, I guess, Hermione. I prefer Phoenix though.”

David writes ‘Wizards’ on the whiteboard.

“Yes, but Hermione hates you through nobody’s fault but your own,” Ace perks up from his laptop.

“Yes, which is why we’ve sent Heather away to convince her to help,” David says.

And thank the unknown for that.

“Okay…what about the Twins?” Mercury asks.

David writes ‘Luteces’ on the whiteboard right below his previous entry.

“Simple. When the time is right I’ll call upon them and convince them to help,” he says.

“How?”

“The same way they helped last time: rely on the roommate inside my body.”

Ace sighs, but doesn’t stop his typing spree.

“It’s a dumb move, but I can’t say it’s the best one we got,” he says.

“Cool. So…who’s the next one?”

David sighs, turning back to the whiteboard and writing a name below the other two.

Mercury sees this and widens his eyes.

“No way!” Mercury shouts.

“Yes way,” David says.

------------------------------------------------------------

#3 – The Friends I Make Are Always the Weird Kind – May 13, 2020

Snowdin Town is pretty much all in the title really.

It’s a town.

With snow.

It’s not snowing so much as it’s just filled with snow.

It’s an odd thing for David and Nathan to walk into, but certainly not any stranger than the guy with the head of flames tending the bar.

Speaking of which…

“I’ll take a glass of the worst drink you have,” David says.

“I’ll do the same,” Nathan adds-on.

“I’ll bite. Make it a triple,” a voice to their right says.

The fuck...?

David and Nathan both look to the right…

…to find nobody sitting there.

“Over here,” the voice says again.

How is he doing this...?

They look to the left and spot a…it’s a skeleton…in a blue hoodie…and pink slippers…

This is what they’re getting into, so, in for a penny etcetera etcetera…

Three glasses of what looks like disgusting beer is placed in front of them. Nathan and David grab the glasses quickly, taking a huge gulp for what they’re both about to experience.

“Uh…” the skeleton says as he stares at the disgusting swill with a strained smile on his face. “On second thought, I’ll just take a hamburger Grillby.”

Is anybody else noticing this, or...?

Just as quickly as the drinks appeared, a hamburger is placed in front of the skeleton. The swill of drink he had a moment ago now finds itself out of their sight.

Huh…

“So…” the skeleton says as he bites in the hamburger. “…what do I owe the visit to my humble abode?”

Guess we're just going to ignore it then? Cool, so long as we're on the same page.

“You live in a bar?” Nathan asks somewhat hesitantly.

The skeleton giggles a deep, monotonous set of giggles.

“Yeah, really setting the bar low here, aren’t I?” he says.

Oof.

Neither David or Nathan dictate that with a proper response.

“Tough crowd. Really going to make me run the miles for the hunter eh?” the skeleton asks.

He’s a punster. Of course he is.

“You know our names,” David states.

“I know a lot about your people. Just because you can’t talk to me doesn’t mean I can’t know you,” the skeleton says. “Say what you want about the people you run around with, but calling upon the Twins took a lot of guts. Not that I would know, I’ve been running short on them for a while.”

Nathan audibly groans before knocking on the bar a couple times. Another glass of the awful swig of beer we had is sent his way.

“And you know about me calling on the Twins. So how aware are you of what I’m trying to accomplish?” David asks.

“Fairly aware. I know you know what I can do…and I know you now know that I know that almost everyone you’re looking to talk to won’t say yes,” the skeleton says.

David isn’t perturbed in the slightest. He knocks twice on the bar and another disgusting glass of beer is sent his way.

“I’ll take a hamburger as well,” he says.

“I wouldn’t recommend it. Grillby’s been known to ham it up with guests,” the skeleton says.

It sounds cheeky. The one eye looking at them almost makes him sound humorous (heh).

The flame headed bartender with his arms crossed and glasses off says otherwise.

David notices which means that Nathan has already noticed. Nathan shrugs and takes another swig of his beer.

“What’s wrong Sans?” David asks. “Not a fan of guests?”

“No. I have no problem throwing guests a bone. The problem lies with you being here…” Sans says.

David sighs, pinching the crown of his nose because of course a headache is coming.

“With you here, there’s no doubt your dad knows about. If your dad knows about it, it doesn’t take a hard head to figure out he’s not that far behind. And trust me, my head is pretty hard,” Sans says.

He knocks on the top of his skull a couple times. It responds by making some hollow and echoey bonks.

“So it’s a human thing then,” David says.

The hamburger Sans was holding is gripped a little bit together. Some ketchup ends up spurting out, landing on his blue hoodie.

“Wow, that touched a nerve. Or would have if you had any. This is all seeming to-mato to you,” David says with a smirk on his face. “For being Forbidden I wouldn’t figure a boney little guy like you to be afraid of something human. Though I wouldn’t put it past you…things can get a bit frisky down here when you char-a couple enemies.”

The air in the bar suddenly becomes thick. There’s an obvious vibe in the air, and none of it is particularly fun feeling.

Nathan continues to drink his drink, deciding to ignore the tension altogether.

David is about ready to piss himself.

But for some reason he keeps talking.

“You’ve got a lot of humorous in you Sans, but you’re complacent. The same story over and over again…you often forget that you’re a part of it when things can get pas-a-fist, but if those start flying, oh boy…then you’d better ge-nicide.”

A bone finds itself at David’s neck. The smile on Sans’ face is still evident, but so is the eyeball in his right socket that’s engulfed in a blue flame.

David takes the glass of disgusting beer he has in front of him and tosses it directly into the right eye socket.

The blue flame dies. The bone disappears. The tension dissipates.

Sans starts laughing. David only smirks.

Nathan keeps drinking.

“I can see why the Luteces took an interest in you. Don’t worry about them kid. I’ll tell them they’re on board,” Sans says.

Which is a loaded sentence and a half.

“So the Twins are on board?” Nathan asks.

Sans chuckles a couple times.

“They don’t know it, but they’ll figure it out. A pair like that always twins.”

Nathan groans and stands up from his barstool. David waves towards Sans as he stands up as well.

“I appreciate it Sans. I’ll keep in touch when things start to get rolling,” he says.

Sans nods, but as David and Nathan reach the door, he speaks up again.

“Oh…and one last thing David…”

David turns around and immediately finds a bone imbedded into the wall next to him.

“…I’ll come to you…”

Sans says with his blue eye back and a very evil smirk on his face.

------------------------------------------------------------

May 21, 2020

“How the hell did we even find this place?” David asks.

“If you want to find a unicorn, you have to go where you don’t expect to find one,” Nathan says.

Because that makes zero fucking sense so obviously it’s the route they’ve decided to go with.

But lo and behold, a unicorn with white fur and a very muted shade of blue trots up to them.

I hate magic.

But hey, if you can wander into a forest in Scotland blindly and find a random breach in the trees that contains a mystical, immortal unicorn than I guess them’s the breaks.

“I haven’t seen humans upon my lands in ages,” the unicorn says in a younger women’s voice.

“Lady Amalthea, we are graced by your presence,” Nathan says.

He does a small bow. When David does, Nathan punches him in the gut, forcing him to bend over in a makeshift bow.

“Yeah…really graceful,” David utters out through the pain.

“Oh…I was expecting your arrival, but I must admit I had hoped you wouldn’t have bothered,” Amalthea says.

David stands up straight, rubbing the spot Nathan punched.

“Charmed, Amy, truly, but if I’m going to go full-force with this I’m not going to stop just because you all might say no,” David says.

“Did you just call a unicorn by a shorthand name?” Nathan asks.

When David shrug, Nathan punches him in the gut once more.

“Apologies for David, he’s an idiot who doesn’t understand tact. We had hoped you would be more perceptive to the idea of possibly working as a contact,” he says.

Amalthea shakes her head, allowing her mane to flow slightly in the wind blowing around them.

“No. I understand your intention but I cannot support you. Sans, Robert, and Rosalind are of their own ilk, and I am starting to believe Joshua might agree with them, but I cannot place my trust into human’s hands any longer,” she says.

“So it’s another human thing?” David asks.

When Nathan raises a fist, David raises his hands in mock surrender.

“The last time I trusted humans I managed to become one and nearly forgot who I was. I might have loved a human at one point and placed my friendship in the palm of two people’s hands, but I would be a fool to place my complete trust with them again,” Amalthea adds.

“So humans are assholes. I think I can attest to that myself,” David says. “That doesn’t mean you can’t trust them. We’re not even asking you to be subservient to us. We just need you to be a contact should we need some sort of advice or assistance in anything magical or otherworldly.”

Amalthea turns her head and looks into David’s eyes. He doesn’t break contact, and it took Amalthea only a few moments to find what she’s looking for.

“You are a trouble soul David, but I find myself lacking any trust from someone of your…ilk,” she says.

“Oh, is it because of Leo?” David asks.

“We Creators have been completely forward and trusting with Amalthea ever since we met her,” Nathan says. “All of us, even Lillith, as generally rude as she might be, have been courteous and kind towards Amalthea.”

David turns towards Nathan with a raised eyebrow.

“Are you telling me that she trusts a bunch of aliens more than she trust humans?” the former asks.

“Aliens didn’t steal all of my family and friends from me. Aliens didn’t trap them underwater for years. Aliens didn’t allow me to turn into one of them,” Amalthea says.

The two of them lock eyes once more.

“So it is a human thing…I can’t say this one is entirely unjustified though. Fine. Would you be more agreeable if you only ever spoke with the Creators?” David asks.

“David, you’re missing the point. Amalthea won’t agree. Ever,” Nathan says.

David sighs, placing his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Before he can put in the right pocket, Nathan grabs it tightly.

“You are rude. You are bold. You are brash and arrogant and you are precisely what I despise in humans,” Amalthea says.

Nathan raises David’s right arm above the right pocket, making sure the two of them meet eyes.

“If you so much as go for your pistol again in Amalthea’s presence, I will not hesitate to make you wish your father found out,” Nathan says.

David gulps and raises both his hands up.

“Alright, alright…I understand when I’m not wanted. Should you reconsider Amalthea, just let Nathan know since it’s obvious you two are chums. When you’re done flirting with her, come see me.”

With that, David walks away, allowing Nathan to try and path up the situation his dumb-ass has put them in.

------------------------------------------------------------

May 29, 2020

“You actually managed to convince the Luteces and Sans to go along with this?” he asks.

The three of them are in a café somewhere in Shibuya. You know, one with all the waitresses dressed as maids? You’d be hard-pressed to believe me but it was actually Nathan who decided to come here.

“Weird right? But yeah, if Sans is to be believed than I’d like to think I’ve got them,” David says.

The three of them drink a coffee of their own. Nathan finds himself focused elsewhere, specifically the many maids wandering about the café.

Either he has a fetish or this is a ‘David getting stepped on by Cyclonis’ type of situation.

I sincerely hope it’s the latter.

“I’m going to be honest…the Luteces are the best of all of us. They’re technically not the oldest, but they’ve been at it the longest,” the teenage boy sitting in front of them says.

Oh yeah, the guy they’re talking to. He’s a teenage boy in a too-long t-shirt and some jeans. He also has some scraggly, curly blonde hair.

“So you’re in?” David asks.

“Hmm…call it a trial period. I’ll see what your plan is going forward, especially since Loki is probably going to say no.”

“Hey Joshua,” Nathan calls.

“Hm?” the teenage boy reacts while drinking his coffee.

“Do you think the cute blonde would go for a guy like me?” Nathan asks.

Oh my God it’s the latter.

David snorts before finishing the coffee in front of him. He offers his hand towards Joshua, who shakes it just as firmly.

“I appreciate this so much Joshua. I’ll make sure to keep in touch once we get all the details hashed out,” he says.

“Much obliged. Oh, hold that though,” Joshua says.

The blonde waitress from before walks up to them. Nathan becomes rigid, focused entirely on the coffee in front of him.

“[Can I get you boys anything else?]” she asks in Japanese.

“[Actually, yes, please. I’m thinking this has to be a trick because our waitress from before spoke terrible English],” Joshua responds.

The waitress narrows her eyes towards Joshua. She slams her notepad on the table causing the coffee to spill and the cups to rattle.

“What are you doing here Joshua?” the waitress asks in a definitively not female and not Japanese accented voice.

Nathan’s jaw dropping is enough for her? to notice the two of them.

“Thanks for coming on such short notice Loki. The guy with his jaw on the floor is Nathan. He’s one of the Creators Amalthea has told us about. The guy on the right is—” Joshua is interrupted.

“David Hunter. The Chaos Kid of the Council,” the waitress—Loki apparently—says. “I’d be more impressed if you weren’t going to go back on the idea. A fourth group is bold, yes, but way to innovative. There’s no reason to cause such a stir if you’re being completely serious about it.”

David can’t help but get a frown on his face from that.

“Well that seems counterproductive. I’m okay with a little chaos, but only when it suits me,” he says.

Loki puts a hand on their hip, making the pose of a young women making a point despite the British male voice coming off their lips.

“And that’s the problem. Your chaos is too organized. There’s no joy or fun to be found in it. I appreciate the effort but must jeer the finality. Alas, as much as you might be a trickster after my own heart, I must decline your invitation. It’s nothing personal. It’s just joining up with a group isn’t my thing,” they say.

Nathan sighs, drinking some more coffee to hide his obvious shame.

“You wouldn’t be part of the group. You’d be a contact should I need someone to discuss deistic things with. You’re a knowledgeable guy beyond your own religion. I could use someone like that,” David says.

“Then get a preacher. They’re stuffy but smart. I know a Romanian who knows a guy. He’s an asshole, but, then again, so are you,” Loki snarks.

“Rude, but true. Fair enough. I appreciate you coming all this way,” David says as he stands up.

Nathan joins him along with Joshua. The four of them stand around the table for a few moments.

“Like I said Joshua, we’ll be in touch. And if you ever change your mind Loki—”

“I/he won’t,” Loki and Joshua say at the same time.

“—then you know where to find me,” David finishes.

“Oh, and for the record Nathan, she would absolutely go for a guy like you,” Loki says.

------------------------------------------------------------

#4 – The Enemies Are Absolutely Horrible – June 3, 2020

“This is dumb idea,” Nathan says.

“It’s the only idea we have,” David says.

The two are sitting side-by-side in a room in The Others’ interrogation blocks. The door is locked, the windows are hidden from the other side, and the only person who can see what they’re doing is the person who just made the lights flicker.

When the lights are done flickering, a skinny man in a suit is standing across from them. He has a briefcase in hand and a frown on his face.

He fixes his dark blue tie in frustration.

“What…horrible propositions come into your mind to make you believe I would ever serve as your contact?” the man asks.

“As far as I’m aware your employers’ jurisdiction only goes as far as your dimension. Given your ability to be wherever you want to be, something like that could easily come in handy,” David says.

The man just narrows his eyes.

“Truth be told…,” Nathan adds in. “…you were the longest shot we had. You’re usually busy and you have a lot of ground to cover. That being said, that ground is ground we could use. You’re unpredictable and wild but you always have a plan going. Sure you have your employer’s plans always taking place, but a guy like you doesn’t survive this long without knowing how to do so.”

David smirks, letting a soft chuckle release from his mouth.

“Man, that sounds familiar. Almost like you’ve taught other people in other dimensions how to do the same,” he says.

The man across from them places his briefcase on the table. He turns it towards them before clicking the lock open. He then raises the lid……revealing a piece of paper with a phrase on it.

“G-Man?” David asks.

“That is my most common pseudonym. You are correct in your analysis in me, thus, I have deemed you worthy of my aid. Keep in mind this isn’t like Roman or Luxu. Both of them have gone on to be well known in the group whose interrogation room you’re borrowing. This is strictly a partnership. That being said, I am testing the grounds on this. One slip-up and our deal will be terminated,” the ‘G-Man’ says.

“I’ll make sure to contact you when we need you,” David says as he and Nathan stand up.

“Just say the word on that card and I will appear when the time is right. It has to be the name and then name only,” the ‘G-Man’ adds-on.

David and Nathan nod their heads. The lights flicker again and once they’re done, the suited enigma is gone along with his briefcase.

“This was really dumb,” Nathan says.

“Yeah…yeah it was.”

------------------------------------------------------------

June 14, 2020

Los Angeles, California.

City of Angels.

And hot as hell, holy crap, it's almost 100 degrees around here.

Not to mention loud.

David and Nathan now find themselves in a club located in downtown Los Angeles. The music’s bass is making everything shake, the girls around the club are wearing little but underwear, and the woman behind the bar is giving the two of them a glare.

“Why is it that bartenders always hate us?” David says.

“I’m starting to think it’s our clothes,” Nathan says. “Though in this case it’s probably more personal.”

As they approach the bar, they take a seat right in front of the bartender. She doesn’t waste any time and pours Nathan a shot of…a bottle with no label on it but it looks just like piss.

Judging by the look on her face it might actually be piss.

She tosses the drink towards Nathan.

“Mazikeen,” he says.

“Cheers,” she says.

“Mazel tov. I’ll have the same thing,” David says.

She turns towards him, looking him up and down a bit before scowling in disgust.

“You have the stench of outer world on you. You’re not a proper one are you?” Mazikeen asks.

“No I just have one living in my body. There’s a weird situation there and—” David is interrupted before he can fully explain the intricacies of why Leo is in his body…

…by a well-dressed man with a British accent looking handsome as hell.

“There’s no need to get into the finer details there, we all know souls are picky as much as they are fickle,” the man says. “Take a break Maze I’ll deal with these two.”

“Are you sure? I’d love to take them to church,” the bartender says giving them both a death glare.

“Clever choice of words, but alas, I feel like this needs a gentler touch,” the man says, making sure his smile doesn’t leave and his eyes remain on only her.

With a shrug, Mazikeen exits the bar, heading for an elevator.

The man then turns towards his guests.

“Holy hell you’re attractive,” David blurts out.

“Am I now? Oh, do tell me more,” the man says.

He approaches David, making sure they are locking eyes.

“Ooh, tell me, you are an interesting one to be running around with the old-timer. Tell me, why are you here? What is it you desire?” the man asks.

The two of them just stare into each other’s eyes.

When it’s clear the man hasn’t gotten what he wanted, he frowns.

“So is this where we kiss or…?” David asks.

“Maybe later darling. Diego…why isn’t this working?” the man asks.

“Because Leo is currently borrowing his soul as a stay-at-home roommate,” Nathan says. “Nice to see you Lucifer.”

Oh right. Lucifer.

As in the devil.

Right.

The sensible part of me really wants to say that’s bullshit, but the rational part of me who’s narrated so much of David’s bullshit knows he’s legitimately the devil in human form.

“Can’t say the same for you Nathan. Shame though. Leo was always more than you. I wonder if you can match up…” Lucifer says.

“Look, I’d love so sit here all night drinking piss-beer and flirting, but I am here for a reason,” David says.

“Oh…right…I heard rumblings upstairs of what you were planning on doing. Bold decision and I entirely support it,” Lucifer says.

“So…you’re on board as a contact?” Nathan says.

“Oh not at all. I’m here if you need somebody to help you out with a favor or two, but if you’re just looking for a handout than I’m afraid my brother is more your man, or…angel, I suppose,” Lucifer says.

David sighs, taking a quick gulp of the piss-beer that Mazikeen poured Nathan. With a lengthy sigh, he sets the glass down.

“That’s about as much as I should’ve expected. Thank you kindly Lucifer. If we need your help we hopefully know where to find you,” he says.

Nathan and him stand up, heading towards the door.

“Well don’t be strangers now. I’d love to turn our acquaintanceship into a budding relationship,” Lucifer says.

“I’ll let you know if I need to blow off steam. I’m told I do a lot of good blowing,” David calls out as he heads up the stairs to the elevator.

Nathan punches David in the gut while Lucifer chuckles to himself.

------------------------------------------------------------

#5 – And the Comrades Are Downright Dreadful – July 10, 2020

“Happy early birthday David, you’re about to see a drunk down on his luck,” David mutters to himself.

Their final stop. Their final Forbidden Figure.

They find him behind a gas station. He’s sitting against the back wall, sleeping against it on a swimming pool towel. The suit he’s wearing is frayed and dirty and the black hair on his head is matty and everywhere.

“This is the guy who thinks everyone hates him?” David asks.

“It’s a complex,” Nathan says.

The two them shrug and then throw the bucket of water in their hands at him.

The reaction is instantaneous

The man in the frayed suit stands up to try and confront his attackers but immediately reverts into a seated position.

“I was sleeping,” the man says.

“And now you’re not. Hello Josh,” Nathan says.

“It’s Newman you asshole,” the man—Josh, Newman?—says.

“Fitting,” David contributes oh so helpfully.

“What the fuck do you two want?” Newman asks.

He stands back up, wiping off some dust from his suit.

“Do you…know us?” David asks.

“Of course I know you! You’re the two assholes trying to convince us Forbidden Fuckers to tag along as your ‘contact’ or whatever!” Newman shouts. “I might not have my powers anymore but I sure as shit can sense them.”

“This makes things easy then,” David says.

“Fuck off. Both of you,” Newman says.

This just made things harder then.

“What the hell happened? You used to be known across the independent circuit. You tried to make one return but showed up drunk with a Mexican guy you hired as your cameraman. And he was arrested for breaking into a producer’s house,” Nathan says.

“I need that story,” David says.

“Oh, you see, what happened was—”

“Cut the bullshit! So I wanted to be a wrestler instead of a…whatever they called us. My brother got all the good powers anyway. Both of you are wrestlers so why are you on my ass for?” Newman asks.

“Because it’s fun, mostly,” David says.

“While that is true, we want to help,” Nathan says.

“I don’t want your help,” Newman.

“We need an accountant, and a good one. Also, who knows? Your powers might return some day. Also, we could help you find your brother,” Nathan.

“Fuck off with your stupid fourth group bullshit!” Newman shouts as he starts to sit on the ground. “I don’t need your…dumb plans…let me just sit here in peace and die like a human since it’s so damn easy.”

He wraps the pool towel around him as he leans against the wall again, closing his eyes.

“We’ll pay you,” David says.

Newman’s response is instantaneous.

He stands up, throwing the pool towel and spreading his legs and arms.

He groans a bit, allowing a few specks of dust to spread around him and off his clothes.

Other than that though, the DragonBall Z-esque screaming he’s doing does not match the image he’s trying to portray.

Eventually, he just farts.

Or…hopefully just farts.

Newman drops his arms and returns to a stand-still posture.

“So I guess you still have some powers after all,” David says.

“Shut up and let’s get some money,” Newman says.

He walks between David and Nathan, making his way away from the place he’s supposedly called home.

Oh and it turns out it wasn’t just a fart.

------------------------------------------------------------

#6 – It Also Made Me Hate My Birthday – July 11, 2020

“Happy birthday to you,” all of David’s friends present finishing singing.

As they start to go out of tune, David blows out a candle on the table in front of him.

“Wait was that the cursed candle of Mesopotamia?” Mr. Silver asks.

The singing and partying stops. Mr. Silver stands there looking mightily worried.

Eventually, he smirks.

“Got ya,” he says.

Everybody laughs. It’s a fun time, truly.

But a slow cap from the world’s biggest asshole puts an end to it.

The crowd by the door parts to reveal David’s dad, Jack, standing tall with a frown on his face.

He sighs before lowering his hands.

“Here’s my gift to you David. I won’t arrest any of you for breaking the interdimensional travel rule. Sure, we can’t prove it before now, but we can prove you’re all here when you shouldn’t be. Happy birthday David. You’re 25 years old. A quarter of the way through and you’re wasting your time on poor plans,” he says.

“What the fuck do you want?” David asks.

“Me? I just wanted to let you know that the Council knows you’ve talked with the Forbidden Figures and are in talks with at least half of them. I also know that Newman is somewhere around here probably barfing into whatever hole he can find. We also know your fourth group thing…will never last. You have ideas and ambitions, but those will get you nowhere,” Jack says. “You’re going up against the Council. The oldest organization existing in the universe. You are out of your league.”

“Dad, just go,” David says.

“No I don’t think I will.”

As Jack starts to approach David, Mr. Silver places himself in front of him. His cane is in his right hand, planted firmly on the ground.

But what Jack can see around him is a water ball ready to drown him, a high-powered rifle aimed at his face, a laser pistol ready to blow his head off, a laser rifle aimed directly at his eyes, a couple of metal legs armed and ready to fire, a wand emitting a purple glow aimed directly at his heart, and that’s just counting those he can see.

Jack stops moving and stares directly at Mr. Silver in front of him.

“I think you’ll find the Council has no jurisdiction here,” he says.

Jack smirks despite the situation.

“Why is that? Because you’re Rumpelstiltskin? Because you’re a favor dealer? Because you’re a mercenary and independent who thinks he’s the toughest and best there is?” he asks.

“No…because I have the immunity of a Forbidden Figure,” Mr. Silver says.

Wait what?

It’s clear everyone else around him is thinking the same thing as they start to whisper to themselves.

Jack himself is the most shocked. It might be hard to tell with the unyielding rage he’s emitting.

Mr. Silver raises his left sleeve, revealing a mark that all Forbidden Figures gain following their exile. It’s a circle with a single line running through and placed right on their wrist.

Jack catches Newman in the back, scratching his left wrist where he has a mark exactly like it.

“Why do you think I’m untouchable Jack? It’s not because of my witty charms or my ability to guarantee deals are met. It’s not because of who I was whether it be in the Fairy Tale Realm or the dimension I escaped from. It’s because I chose to be a Forbidden Figure…and I chose to be exiled. I knew there was more than being trapped by that label. I knew there was more than being stuck in what I was forced to do. So I left…and I made a name for myself here.

“I help people, Jack. I help people get home and find new ones. I might ask for a price, but I am completely fair for what they desire. You might consider yourself on a soapbox because you’re part of the Rule of Three, but I’ve been around long enough when it was a committee and not three jack-asses in a circle jerk.”

Everyone around them can’t help chuckle give the situation and that Mr. Silver just actually swore.

“So take your pride. Take your…fatherly watch…and take your Council position…and get the hell out of my shop.”

It takes Jack a few moments to gather his thoughts. Eventually, he steps backwards, avoiding the group of people still looking to destroy his body and leave the corpse for the buzzards.

As the door to the shop closes, Mr. Silver turns around, lowering his left sleeve. David stands up and walks towards him.

“Don’t hug me,” Mr. Silver says.

David smirks and pats him on the shoulder instead.

“Thank you.”

“Happy birthday,” the old man says with a grin.

------------------------------------------------------------

#7 The Fact That I Can’t Stay Away From Wrestling – August 19, 2020

“So in order to keep everything on the downlow from the Council you’re going back to wrestling?” Argit asks him one day when the two of them were alone in Mr. Silver’s trinket shop.

“Yeah…pretty much. What a better way to return to the company than in the match I debuted in?” David asks him in return.

The two of them share a laugh before heading out to get ready for his ‘recovery.’