Post by Grimm on Dec 8, 2020 8:27:20 GMT -5
Back when Billy Sadistic roamed these halls, we'd put together a Dillinger Family Christmas Brawl for the Iceys at the end of the year. I figured I'd dig one out of the archives for old time's sake. These are the RPs from the Brothers Gruesome, and the end result will be broadcast during the 2020 Winter Iceys.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Hangtown,
All the doors barricaded and 'folk bedded down.
The cretins all hung from the big oak with care,
proof that Grimm and Sadistic were there.
Hangtown's evildoers all splattered in reds,
Now licked at their wounds while they yearned for their beds.
The logs in the hearth taunted “Snap, crackle, pop.”
As they prayed for their lives and begged them to stop.
When out in the field there arose such a clatter,
Ruth sprang from her bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window she flew like a flash,
Her brothers had reduced the field to ASH!
The fresh snow was melted and turned into mud,
Churned into sludge with ashes and blood.
The Dillinger Brothers' traditional brawl,
A quarrel designed to disgust and appall.
Gifts would be given and bells would be rung,
To rupture a kidney or puncture a lung.
The Pure Class Arena would witness a fight,
Broadcast live from the Icey's on Tuesday night.
* * *
The festive winter holidays around the House of Grimm were a bit of an anomaly. Even though Phinehas and William were on friendly terms, their idea of "giving" didn't involve wrapping paper and sparkly bows. To drive the point home, last year Phinehas had gifted his older brother a giant box of angry bees. … Good times.
Not one to be outdone, William has a special something in store for his red-headed brother.
“Go ahead, Phin,” urged the new PCW World Champion. “I got you something awesome this year. You'll love it!”
Grimm's eyes grew suspicious as Billy generously handed him a long, slender gift. The wrapping was anything but professional; it had been wrapped lengthwise, but instead of nice, clean corners, the gift had been twisted and taped like a Tootsie Roll. Billy's artistry was limited to wax statues and bloodshed.
The Lord of Misrule reluctantly grabbed the gift. “Oh, boy,” he feigned. “What have we here?” Was it a fishing pole? A pool cue? An official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle? No! Grimm would shoot his eye out!
Tearing off the shoddy “A World Beyond” wrapping paper from Michael Wryght's blockbuster movie, Grimm is at a loss for words. He observes his gift with an icicle gaze.
A pair of crutches? A pair of crutches.
Grimm's confusion gets the best of him. “Why would you get me a pair of...?” BAM!
Utilizing a gift he'd be given for Christmas three years prior from fellow Black Hand brother, Mikey Wryght, Sadistic surprises Grimm with a lead pipe blast to the back of the knee! A lead pipe, because: Plumbing.
Let's see...it was Billy Sadistic...in the House of Grimm...with the Lead Pipe? Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
As Grimm writhes in pain beside the Christmas tree, Sadistic raises both arms in victory. He even does a little strut around the living room. Ruth is not impressed. As Grimm pulls himself up, Sadistic flees into the kitchen. On his way out, he makes sure to take somewhere between three and eight swigs from his bottle of Kraken rum.
“Merry Christmas ya filthy animals!” Billy announces. The citizens of Hangtown have been put on notice. The festivities are about to begin. The Phenom jogs out to a nearby cornfield as the people of Hangtown emerge from their meager homes bundled against the biting cold.
Inside the House of Grimm, Phinehas has entered the kitchen in search of his brother. Grabbing the bottle of Kraken, he takes a long pull before snagging a burning candle on his way out. Hundreds of Hangtown's residents have gathered as Grimm confronts his brother at the edge of the cornfield. Large, white flakes have begun descending from the heavens. An eager grin cracks Sadistic's lips.
“You ready?”
Grimm responds by raising the candle in front of his face and spewing out a mouthful of liquor! Flames lash out at William, but he's able to dodge out of the way of the impromptu flamethrower. Unfortunately, the corn stalks aren't so fortunate. Within seconds, the field is ignited! On a hobbled leg, Grimm charges Sadistic and tackles him to the cold, hard earth!
The mass of humanity encircles the field to watch the Dillinger holiday family tradition. A half dozen would-be promoters begin fielding bets as the Hangtown Horrors lay waste to one another in an artistic expression of brotherly love. The women and children burst into a festive show of Christmas caroling as William and Phinehas batter each other senseless. The clatter draws Ruth's attention to the back window where she watches with disgust.
Who will win this year's epic showdown?
I guess we'll have to wait until the Icey's to find out.
Nex Addo
~~~~~~~~~
There had been a wild hog in yonder woods. And somebody, we won’t say who, followed the bones of a thousand men through the oak and thorn until he found it. And now a mammoth pig carcass roasted on a spit, grease dripping and sizzling in the flames. Its yellow eyes glared, still reflecting the shock and shame of its death. An apple, popping in the heat, was wedged in the hog’s jaws and added to the insult.
The few still lingering about raised mugs of ale, mugs of wassail, mugs of what-have-you-got, in toast to the great beast.
“God bless us, every one!” Bottoms up, down the hatch, and back for refills. Repeat. They felt the furnace blast of the bonfire on their faces. The fire in the field still smoldered. There’d nearly been a beard singed off by a mouthful of flame. Fire, fire, everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Or something like that. But it wasn’t true, however it went. They returned to the punch bowl for Flaming Bishop time and again, and watched the snow fall at the limits of the firelight. Meanwhile, the ox and lamb observed the festivities from the barn.
Phinehas Dillinger stood in his Christmas best, a little lower than the angels, and brushed dirt off himself.
“You soiled my suspenders, you ignorant wretch.”
His brother Billy wavered beside him. Foam flecked his beard like some artificial spray can snow. He took another drink and smiled.
“Come on, Phin. It’s only once a year. Try to be a little more holly jolly, for the day’s sake.”
“I’ll do it for the day, but not for you.”
“How ‘bout for the Black Hand?”
“I’ll show you Black Hand.” Phinehas stooped and picked up a handful of ashes and soot from the scorched earth and gave Billy a slap worthy of welcoming in the new year. Billy spun on his heels and his mug sloshed all around. Once he regained his bearings he looked down in horror.
“Look what you made me do.”
“It’s not my fault you can’t hold your liquor. Hey, I know. How about you go down into the cellar and see what you can find?”
“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
They stood, fuming, lights flickering off the bruises and cuts decorating their faces. Their upcoming Street Fight at the Icey Awards Show was no doubt on their minds, no matter how inebriated those minds might be. It had been some time since the two of them had faced off one-on-one, and truth be told they looked forward to it. No titles on the line. Not even a contendership. Nothing to gain, nothing to lose, only bragging rights along the streets of Hangtown.
And the fact that afterwards they would be able to point out, hey, if we’re willing to do this sort of thing (“Oh, the humanity!”) to one another for absolutely no reason whatsoever…just imagine what we’ll do to you.
Phinehas leaned in and whispered over the shifting of the logs. “I’m this close to tossing you into that fire.”
Billy snorted. “I’m going to straight up murder you.”
Their breath plumed up in the frosty air and drifted towards the river. And they both smiled into the bonfire.
The insults continued, growing more elaborate, more personal, more, shall we say, inappropriate, as they floated up into the winter air. All in all, it was another successful good ol’ fashioned Dillinger Family Christmas.
