Post by Lantlas on May 9, 2006 1:19:20 GMT -5
::The scene opens with a familiar set. Some cheesy newsroom music plays, and once again, Devon Drake is seen sitting in the news anchor chair.::
Voiceover- It's eight o'clock in Los Angeles, it's nine o'clock in Denver, it's ten o'clock in Chicago...
In Charleston, no one gives a shit what time it is, because Loco started talking and hasn't stopped since the crack of dawn on Friday!
::The lights come on in the background. Devon Drake is in her usual anchor chair.::
Devon- It's time for the eleven o'clock report, but before we do, here's a word from our sponsors.
::The scene shows two former HHW announcers Bob Smith and Pierre L'iekzisdog sitting side-by-side in bow-ties.::
Bob- Well hello there, everyone. It's great to be back in the public eye!
Pierre- And while we're here, getting free time to speak our minds, have we got a deal for you!
Bob- If you've ever been extremely bored and looking to drop a few dozen digits from your IQ score, you've probably heard of the Unholy Alliance of Jason Willard and Loco.
Pierre- Fortunately for us, coloring purple elephants is a bit more appealing, but for those of you out there, we'd like to present to you: "Songs of Tha Unholy Alliance."
Bob- Gives me chills just thinking about it.
Pierre- Yeah, and to think we've called Blade matches and we're making fun of these guys.
Bob- I'm sure some of you have heard Loco's entrance theme, the English version of "Engel" by Rammstein.
Pierre- Rammstein? Are you serious? Isn't that a German band?
Bob- Yet the English version of the song's being used...
Pierre- So a guy who hails from Japan, and lives in Oakland, is using the English version of a German song... That's a bigger four-way crossing of ethnicities than New York City at a "Find your Real Daddy" convention!
Bob- That didn't stop Rammstein from dropping another single in their honor.
Pierre- I guess to thank them for alienating some of their fanbase for professional asshole association.
Bob- Check out this new hit, in English of course, "Your Mother is a Saint, But Not After Hours."
::The camera pans to Lantlas, and a hard industrial beat hits.::
Lantlas- An unholy alliance, based merely on a threat
Gambling on Jason Willard, you'll find yourself in debt
They've changed more members than the Klu Klux Klan
Maybe eventually, they'll find one who's a man
And then there's Loco, the all-original asshole
Go ahead, Chiefsmoke, and smoke another bowl
Beating the hell out of idiots is my super-power
Your mother is a saint, but not after hours
::The camera returns to Smith and Pierre.::
Bob- Gotta love that industrial sound.
Pierre- Who knew there was a dose of truth in every track selection?
Bob- You'd be surprised what you hear when you actually pay attention to something other than the tit jobs on the groupies.
Pierre- Hey, sometimes a guy can't help himself.
Bob- And speaking of helping yourself, you know the type that just can't get enough of those depressing, wrist-slashing emo tunes.
Pierre- Speaking of that, I have to find a new pack of razor blades.
Bob- And we know quite well that there's never been a more emo stable in PCW history than the Nightmare 2 Society.
Pierre- And shortly before Anthony Douglas became the smartest member of the group by leaving it, little did they know that Fall Out Boy had written them a tribute song.
Bob- Yes, this one might be on the charts for years. "A Little Less Emo, a Little More Fag."
::Pan to Lantlas.::
Lantlas- We know they're no good with words, but somehow they're worse
Barely stuttered out
"A winless record" or stuck to an Elven beating
Weighed down with a ride on the Elvish Tale
Tonight it's "a hat trick of defeats"
Vs. "Maybe we should just freaking stop."
They're two losses and a heart down
And they don't want to forget how their own screams sound
What more can you do to make even us look sunny
Don't forget not to get blood on your money
Slice, Slice
They're getting their asses kicked
Slice, Slice
And this is the sound you'll hear afterward
Slice, this is the way they'd cope
If they knew they sucked like we do
::Return to Bob and Pierre.::
Bob- You know you're high time for an attitude change when even an emo band is ripping on you... for being emo.
Pierre- Can you imagine the kids that go to those concerts?
Bob- More eyeliner than Johnny Depp, and Bic probably sponsors the ticket sales.
Pierre- In this land of plenty, how can so many middle-class kids be so damned depressed?
Bob- Just like in pro-wrestling, it seems to be the trendy thing to do.
Pierre- And speaking of trends, hasn't it always been a trend for a certain pro wrestler to use a certain band for his entrance music?
Bob- You mean Triple H and Motorhead?
Pierre- Of course, they've been in bed longer than Loco and whichever road agent he had to suck off to get a job here.
Bob- Of course, but why do you ask?
Pierre- Because I was wondering if you've ever heard the song that Motorhead performed in their honor at the most recent show?
Bob- No Pierre, I have not. Please do tell.
Pierre- Nothing but classic Motorhead here, as it is sure to be a chart-topper someday, "I Need a Fan Belt."
::Pan to Lantlas.::
Lantlas- Don't talk to me, I don't believe a word
Don't attempt to break my eardrum anymore
All the liquor in all the world
Is not enough to save my sanity tonight
Don't be my friend, I'm not a fool
Don't try to cover up your idiocy with jokes
When everyone that has to hear you speak
Knows how overdone the Link references are
I have heard the Elven jokes
I have seen the dressed-up midgets
I have known what you'll say
I have bets going on what is next
I have everything that you never could
I have a brain and talent
I have the need for a fan belt
I have the urge to beat you senseless
::Return to Bob and Pierre.::
Bob- I'm guessing our Elven friend was on tour with them?
Pierre- Gee Bob, what gave you that idea?
Bob- Possibly the reference to Elven jokes, I don't know.
Pierre- Abso-fucking-lutely, Bob. Lay off the crackpipe.
Bob- And ladies and gentlemen, we now return you to your PCW Daily Newsbreak.
Pierre- Look for "Songs of Tha Unholy Alliance" in stores nowhere, ever.
::The camera returns to Devon Drake in the anchor chair.::
Devon- Thank you guys for that irrelevant musing.
::Devon turns to the camera.::
Devon- And now for today's headlines... Three shriners were killed today in a whoopie cushion explosion. A vegetarian was beaten to death by a meatpacker. And in thirty-seven states of the middle east, the letter "B" has been outlawed, due to looking too much like an unlucky 13.
::Second angle.::
Devon- And now, we're happy to bring you a guest today, Senior New Correspondent Al Laiman, who claims that he has interviewed one of PCW's newest superstars, Loco.
::The scene changes to Al Laiman in a business suit.::
Laiman- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of PCW. I, the greatest interviewer this side of the wrestling landscape, am once again proud to bring you a P-C-W EXCLUSIVE piece on my captivating exchange of words... with the most interesting person they'd let me talk to... Out of a choice between Loco and Kyle Time's Left Shoe... However, Kyle Time's shoe double-booked, so I was forced to talk to this pea-brained cretin for a time quite possibly exceeding three and a half minutes. Let's go to the video tape!
::Cue a shot of Laiman.::
Laiman- Good evening, Mr. Loco... My first question for you is, when you look back on this match with Lantlas and the Prophet in a week or two, what do you think your thoughts of hindsight will be?
::Cue CLIP FROM LOCO'S PROMO PLAYING PERFECTLY RIGGED WITH THE QUESTION ON THE SCREEN.::
Loco- I knew from the time that this match was signed, we would not come out of there.
Laiman- Probably should have thought of that ahead of time. What was the first thing you said to your partner, Jason Willard, as the two of you walked back to the locker room in shamed defeat?
Loco- It was a damn shame that I did not get the chance to use you my pretty.
Laiman- Wow, a little more than I needed to know. Then again, I didn't expect much less coming from a guy who apparently has the time to hire midgets to take a boot.
Loco- I have been in fights against more than one opponent before!
Laiman- Yes, and I'm sure when your matches against midgets made someone care, the response was astounding.
Loco- Gives me a thrill that I don't see that often, so I welcomed it.
Laiman- I somehow can understand how you don't see thrill often. After all, given what I've seen of you in the ring certainly makes me yearn for the days of Iron Man matches with Blade Leonhart.
Loco- No one but us can say that they have cause more hell for any one than us, it's just not possible.
Laiman- Not that what you just said was relevant to anything, but for future reference... In the dictionary under 'redundant', it says 'see redundant'!
Loco- They always find away to deal with the problem and make those problems.
Laiman- Thank you for further illustrating my point. Now, let's try a little word association game. You tell me the first thing that comes to your mind when I name something or someone. Let's start with your partner, Jason Willard.
Loco- Beautiful looking and sounding.
Laiman- Cottage cheese.
Loco- It will take you out into the middle of no where and then you will slowly die.
Laiman- Anyone who's tasted expired cottage cheese would definitely agree. Your match at Trauma?
Loco- Enjoy the pain and suffering.
Laiman- You likely won't have much of a choice. The stupidest thing you've ever done?
Loco- Lantlas? Do you remember what happened the last time that you and I were in the same ring?
Laiman- My name's Laiman, and no I don't, because you wouldn't be sitting here talking to me. Your biggest fantasy?
Loco- Other men with swords.
Laiman- Yes, other men like you who probably carry around large swords to compensate for their tiny penises. You compensate just by talking so damn much, so I can see the connection. Enough with word association, you're obviously more retarded than I thought. Do me a favor and give me another sample of how you can make sentences incredibly longer than they need to be?
Loco- Your time is coming Lantlas, your title is slipping through your fingers as we speak, you can not even get a grip on your own reality, which is not a safe thing to play with when your about to enter the into the only biggest fight for your life that you will have.
Laiman- Okay, I can't take this anymore. Stop speaking.
Loco- Our destiny will be at Trauma.
Laiman- Yeah, keep telling yourself that, kid. CUT!
::The camera returns to Laiman's interview post, and Laiman shudders.::
Laiman- The memory... Yuck. Anycrap, I now happily return you to your beautiful and witty anchor, Devon Drake. I need to go watch an episode of Jerry Springer to find someone slightly more intelligent than Loco and build my brain capacity for stupid back up til the next time this idiot wants to talk.
::The camera returns to Devon in the anchor chair.::
Devon- Thank you, Laiman, for taking a job that no one in their right mind would. And now back to the news.
::Second angle.::
Devon- Terrorists have reportedly blown up central America, but were kind enough to leave a note.
::First angle.::
Devon- Brazil's Health Ministry said Friday it will hand out 20 million condoms at this year's Carnival festivities in an effort to prevent the spread of AIDS. The party kicks off Feb. 23 and lasts until Feb. 28. The ministry will also hand out 10 million masks shaped like condoms to make sure "condoms are on people's minds." The masks double as cardboard fans to help stave off the steamy summer heat. "It's a time of year when happiness and alcohol mix and people sometimes forget about protection," the spokesman added.
::Second angle::
Devon- A 34-year-old fellow was drinking in a town called Hastings when he ran out of beer, and he didn't have anyway of getting to a store. No problem. He stole a 1- ton snowplow and drove it to 'Pump and Pantry' in Grand Island to buy a case of beer. He paid for the beer (and gas) with a personal check and drove off. The clerk suspected something and called the police who looked at the check and drove over to the fellow's house and arrested him a couple hours later.
::First angle::
Devon- And, my personal favorite of the day, a call came in to local police this morning from a horrified mother who believed that her son had stolen her bag of marijuana, and wanted her son arrested for this crime. The deputy replied, and I quote... "I wish I was making this story up."
::Second angle.::
Devon- And now ladies and gentlemen, when an Unholy Alliance-related story breaks through the cracks, our own Lantlas Anduril will be there to catch it, for a segment we call "Back in Blue."
::Lantlas appears in his usual "Back in Blue" attire behind a steel desk.::
Lantlas- There are times where I truly believed I'm facing the stupidest person to ever hit the world of pro wrestling. Then, there are times like this where I find out I've been proven wrong... AGAIN! For those of you who thankfully avoided this heinous assault on the intelligent mind, let me bring you up to speed.
"Only because your mommies and daddies are too cheap to even go to the ninety-nine cent store and buy food there, they have to come here and spend MY hard earned money, for some snot nosed little brats that are so damn spoiled that they can't even help their parents out and not cry so damn much, it makes me sick. Who the hell do you panhandling bastards think you are?"
Lantlas- Thaddaboy, Loco! Play the crowd and get them behind you. There's nothing people love more than a judgmental ignorant bastard! For someone who claims to actually have children, it's interesting to me that you haven't learned that sometimes they cry. Yes, Loco, human children actually do cry! Imagine that! Who would've ever come up with that concept! Then again, given that you spend so much time talking about ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, it wouldn't surprise me if you missed out on important things like, oh, what your child does when you're not there. I guess photographs sent through email don't depict those kinda things.
"Speaking of the Ewok, Lantlas, I hear that you are troubled with me, you dispite me, funny, I am the least of your worries, you should be more conserned about losing that title my friend, you can not win, your in an up hill battle, you wouldn't even show up for this, the kids would have loved it, you could finally be around the age group that your iq is."
::Lantlas stares at the screen with extremely wide eyes.::
Lantlas- Loco, I want you to do me a favor... The next time you're going to grapple with a concept like figuring out what the average IQ score is, first go back to your third-grade English teacher and ask her what the DEFINITION OF A FUCKING RUN-ON SENTENCE IS! The only up-hill battle I'm in is that I don't speak Retardenese, and sitting through one of your incredibly long speeches about absolutely nothing relevant makes a colonoscopy seem appealing. The paint is already dried, the grass has already grown, and you're still talking. How much free time do you have, exactly?
"Yes, yes, you have held a good deal of success against my tag team partner, but you see, ever since your lost to Ace Anderson....who by the way was also suppose to be here and didn't show, you just have been, well, can I say half the man you use to be???? AHAHA, or is it elf????"
Lantlas- Yes, Loco. Ever since I realized I was only 13-1 in this PCW, I realized that my days in this place are numbered, and that I just can't seem to cut it anymore. I have to ask... How's your record against the world champion, chumpstain? If you'd check your history books, you'd realize that I've defeated him as well, not to mention every other superstar I've come into contact with during my stay here. Also, note the fact that you're not making a strong case for your contendership when you downplay the fact that I've beaten the holy hell out of your tag team partner by myself, and in tag team action. The fact that he's replaced Douglas and Nightmare, whom I've also beaten on multiple occasions now, with a retarded near-chimpanzee who's going to bore me to death with endless insults doesn't help your situation at all. In fact, from what I can see, Willard would be better off if he just walked in the urinal and pissed on his own feet. It would save him the trouble, and he wouldn't have to listen to you talk for eighteen hours in the process... especially when he knows he doesn't stand a chance anyway. But I guess you, in your infinite wisdom, have taken this two weeks you've been here and put together that I'm just not what I used to be... NOT THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING IS, SINCE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE TO SEE IT, YOU NIMROD! Oh, and one more thing... Ever since my lost? My LOST?! Using an adjective to replace a noun, good going there, smart guy. And we're talking about MY IQ? I didn't know there were negative test results on that test, but by God, you sure figured out a way to prove me the fuck wrong!
"So, your the mighty Lantlas....I guess it's safe to say that your name is stuff of big stature, but much like all fairytails, they hero, just doesn't messure up to his legend."
Lantlas- Wow, where do I start with this one? My name is stuff of big stature? How the hell would you diagram that sentence? Not that Loco has any idea what that means, but please tell me. What the fuck did he just say? And "they hero"? They hero? Look, if you're going to attempt to unsuccessfully insult me, can you at least do it in a way that doesn't make flashing clips of you talking funnier than what I'm going to say about it? It just makes my job here too God damn easy. But once again, you're right, aren't you? I just don't measure up. I had a twelve-match winning streak, I've just come off another main-event win at the most recent Trauma, and defeating you is going to be easier than Chrissy Johnson after eight tequilas... Yeah, I just don't know where my career went, Loco. Maybe you can tell me after you do half of what I've managed to accomplish in less than three months of a career here. Go ahead, I'm waiting. Oh... that's right... YOU HAVEN'T PROVEN JACK SHIT, DICKHEAD! DEVON!
::The camera returns to Devon Drake in the anchor chair.::
Devon- And now for the feature presenation of the evening, we bring you "Dumb and Dumber: The Tag Team", brought to you by Lantlas and Friends' Particular Fondess of Using Parodies to Parody Parodies.
::The altered image comes on the screen in widescreen format, the way movies were meant to be seen.::
"DUMB AND DUMBER: THE TAG TEAM"
Starring such names as Lantlas and the Prophet!
::Lantlas and the Prophet are sitting in a van, and they have on shirts that say "Tha Unholy Alliance."::
Lantlas- We're the Unholy Alliance, and we can't even spell our own name.
::The credits roll, and the scene returns to Devon.::
Devon- Dumb and Dumber, the tag team? I guess that about covers it. That's about all the time we have this week, ladies and gentlemen. Be sure to join us next time, when we will surely have light-hearted, clean, and non-offensive material just waiting for you to digest like a bowl of Captain Crunch. Be sure to stay tuned for the feature movie presentation of "Jason Willard's Greatest PCW Moments." Running time estimated at 18 seconds. Goodnight all.
::The scene ends.::
Voiceover- It's eight o'clock in Los Angeles, it's nine o'clock in Denver, it's ten o'clock in Chicago...
In Charleston, no one gives a shit what time it is, because Loco started talking and hasn't stopped since the crack of dawn on Friday!
::The lights come on in the background. Devon Drake is in her usual anchor chair.::
Devon- It's time for the eleven o'clock report, but before we do, here's a word from our sponsors.
::The scene shows two former HHW announcers Bob Smith and Pierre L'iekzisdog sitting side-by-side in bow-ties.::
Bob- Well hello there, everyone. It's great to be back in the public eye!
Pierre- And while we're here, getting free time to speak our minds, have we got a deal for you!
Bob- If you've ever been extremely bored and looking to drop a few dozen digits from your IQ score, you've probably heard of the Unholy Alliance of Jason Willard and Loco.
Pierre- Fortunately for us, coloring purple elephants is a bit more appealing, but for those of you out there, we'd like to present to you: "Songs of Tha Unholy Alliance."
Bob- Gives me chills just thinking about it.
Pierre- Yeah, and to think we've called Blade matches and we're making fun of these guys.
Bob- I'm sure some of you have heard Loco's entrance theme, the English version of "Engel" by Rammstein.
Pierre- Rammstein? Are you serious? Isn't that a German band?
Bob- Yet the English version of the song's being used...
Pierre- So a guy who hails from Japan, and lives in Oakland, is using the English version of a German song... That's a bigger four-way crossing of ethnicities than New York City at a "Find your Real Daddy" convention!
Bob- That didn't stop Rammstein from dropping another single in their honor.
Pierre- I guess to thank them for alienating some of their fanbase for professional asshole association.
Bob- Check out this new hit, in English of course, "Your Mother is a Saint, But Not After Hours."
::The camera pans to Lantlas, and a hard industrial beat hits.::
Lantlas- An unholy alliance, based merely on a threat
Gambling on Jason Willard, you'll find yourself in debt
They've changed more members than the Klu Klux Klan
Maybe eventually, they'll find one who's a man
And then there's Loco, the all-original asshole
Go ahead, Chiefsmoke, and smoke another bowl
Beating the hell out of idiots is my super-power
Your mother is a saint, but not after hours
::The camera returns to Smith and Pierre.::
Bob- Gotta love that industrial sound.
Pierre- Who knew there was a dose of truth in every track selection?
Bob- You'd be surprised what you hear when you actually pay attention to something other than the tit jobs on the groupies.
Pierre- Hey, sometimes a guy can't help himself.
Bob- And speaking of helping yourself, you know the type that just can't get enough of those depressing, wrist-slashing emo tunes.
Pierre- Speaking of that, I have to find a new pack of razor blades.
Bob- And we know quite well that there's never been a more emo stable in PCW history than the Nightmare 2 Society.
Pierre- And shortly before Anthony Douglas became the smartest member of the group by leaving it, little did they know that Fall Out Boy had written them a tribute song.
Bob- Yes, this one might be on the charts for years. "A Little Less Emo, a Little More Fag."
::Pan to Lantlas.::
Lantlas- We know they're no good with words, but somehow they're worse
Barely stuttered out
"A winless record" or stuck to an Elven beating
Weighed down with a ride on the Elvish Tale
Tonight it's "a hat trick of defeats"
Vs. "Maybe we should just freaking stop."
They're two losses and a heart down
And they don't want to forget how their own screams sound
What more can you do to make even us look sunny
Don't forget not to get blood on your money
Slice, Slice
They're getting their asses kicked
Slice, Slice
And this is the sound you'll hear afterward
Slice, this is the way they'd cope
If they knew they sucked like we do
::Return to Bob and Pierre.::
Bob- You know you're high time for an attitude change when even an emo band is ripping on you... for being emo.
Pierre- Can you imagine the kids that go to those concerts?
Bob- More eyeliner than Johnny Depp, and Bic probably sponsors the ticket sales.
Pierre- In this land of plenty, how can so many middle-class kids be so damned depressed?
Bob- Just like in pro-wrestling, it seems to be the trendy thing to do.
Pierre- And speaking of trends, hasn't it always been a trend for a certain pro wrestler to use a certain band for his entrance music?
Bob- You mean Triple H and Motorhead?
Pierre- Of course, they've been in bed longer than Loco and whichever road agent he had to suck off to get a job here.
Bob- Of course, but why do you ask?
Pierre- Because I was wondering if you've ever heard the song that Motorhead performed in their honor at the most recent show?
Bob- No Pierre, I have not. Please do tell.
Pierre- Nothing but classic Motorhead here, as it is sure to be a chart-topper someday, "I Need a Fan Belt."
::Pan to Lantlas.::
Lantlas- Don't talk to me, I don't believe a word
Don't attempt to break my eardrum anymore
All the liquor in all the world
Is not enough to save my sanity tonight
Don't be my friend, I'm not a fool
Don't try to cover up your idiocy with jokes
When everyone that has to hear you speak
Knows how overdone the Link references are
I have heard the Elven jokes
I have seen the dressed-up midgets
I have known what you'll say
I have bets going on what is next
I have everything that you never could
I have a brain and talent
I have the need for a fan belt
I have the urge to beat you senseless
::Return to Bob and Pierre.::
Bob- I'm guessing our Elven friend was on tour with them?
Pierre- Gee Bob, what gave you that idea?
Bob- Possibly the reference to Elven jokes, I don't know.
Pierre- Abso-fucking-lutely, Bob. Lay off the crackpipe.
Bob- And ladies and gentlemen, we now return you to your PCW Daily Newsbreak.
Pierre- Look for "Songs of Tha Unholy Alliance" in stores nowhere, ever.
::The camera returns to Devon Drake in the anchor chair.::
Devon- Thank you guys for that irrelevant musing.
::Devon turns to the camera.::
Devon- And now for today's headlines... Three shriners were killed today in a whoopie cushion explosion. A vegetarian was beaten to death by a meatpacker. And in thirty-seven states of the middle east, the letter "B" has been outlawed, due to looking too much like an unlucky 13.
::Second angle.::
Devon- And now, we're happy to bring you a guest today, Senior New Correspondent Al Laiman, who claims that he has interviewed one of PCW's newest superstars, Loco.
::The scene changes to Al Laiman in a business suit.::
Laiman- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of PCW. I, the greatest interviewer this side of the wrestling landscape, am once again proud to bring you a P-C-W EXCLUSIVE piece on my captivating exchange of words... with the most interesting person they'd let me talk to... Out of a choice between Loco and Kyle Time's Left Shoe... However, Kyle Time's shoe double-booked, so I was forced to talk to this pea-brained cretin for a time quite possibly exceeding three and a half minutes. Let's go to the video tape!
::Cue a shot of Laiman.::
Laiman- Good evening, Mr. Loco... My first question for you is, when you look back on this match with Lantlas and the Prophet in a week or two, what do you think your thoughts of hindsight will be?
::Cue CLIP FROM LOCO'S PROMO PLAYING PERFECTLY RIGGED WITH THE QUESTION ON THE SCREEN.::
Loco- I knew from the time that this match was signed, we would not come out of there.
Laiman- Probably should have thought of that ahead of time. What was the first thing you said to your partner, Jason Willard, as the two of you walked back to the locker room in shamed defeat?
Loco- It was a damn shame that I did not get the chance to use you my pretty.
Laiman- Wow, a little more than I needed to know. Then again, I didn't expect much less coming from a guy who apparently has the time to hire midgets to take a boot.
Loco- I have been in fights against more than one opponent before!
Laiman- Yes, and I'm sure when your matches against midgets made someone care, the response was astounding.
Loco- Gives me a thrill that I don't see that often, so I welcomed it.
Laiman- I somehow can understand how you don't see thrill often. After all, given what I've seen of you in the ring certainly makes me yearn for the days of Iron Man matches with Blade Leonhart.
Loco- No one but us can say that they have cause more hell for any one than us, it's just not possible.
Laiman- Not that what you just said was relevant to anything, but for future reference... In the dictionary under 'redundant', it says 'see redundant'!
Loco- They always find away to deal with the problem and make those problems.
Laiman- Thank you for further illustrating my point. Now, let's try a little word association game. You tell me the first thing that comes to your mind when I name something or someone. Let's start with your partner, Jason Willard.
Loco- Beautiful looking and sounding.
Laiman- Cottage cheese.
Loco- It will take you out into the middle of no where and then you will slowly die.
Laiman- Anyone who's tasted expired cottage cheese would definitely agree. Your match at Trauma?
Loco- Enjoy the pain and suffering.
Laiman- You likely won't have much of a choice. The stupidest thing you've ever done?
Loco- Lantlas? Do you remember what happened the last time that you and I were in the same ring?
Laiman- My name's Laiman, and no I don't, because you wouldn't be sitting here talking to me. Your biggest fantasy?
Loco- Other men with swords.
Laiman- Yes, other men like you who probably carry around large swords to compensate for their tiny penises. You compensate just by talking so damn much, so I can see the connection. Enough with word association, you're obviously more retarded than I thought. Do me a favor and give me another sample of how you can make sentences incredibly longer than they need to be?
Loco- Your time is coming Lantlas, your title is slipping through your fingers as we speak, you can not even get a grip on your own reality, which is not a safe thing to play with when your about to enter the into the only biggest fight for your life that you will have.
Laiman- Okay, I can't take this anymore. Stop speaking.
Loco- Our destiny will be at Trauma.
Laiman- Yeah, keep telling yourself that, kid. CUT!
::The camera returns to Laiman's interview post, and Laiman shudders.::
Laiman- The memory... Yuck. Anycrap, I now happily return you to your beautiful and witty anchor, Devon Drake. I need to go watch an episode of Jerry Springer to find someone slightly more intelligent than Loco and build my brain capacity for stupid back up til the next time this idiot wants to talk.
::The camera returns to Devon in the anchor chair.::
Devon- Thank you, Laiman, for taking a job that no one in their right mind would. And now back to the news.
::Second angle.::
Devon- Terrorists have reportedly blown up central America, but were kind enough to leave a note.
::First angle.::
Devon- Brazil's Health Ministry said Friday it will hand out 20 million condoms at this year's Carnival festivities in an effort to prevent the spread of AIDS. The party kicks off Feb. 23 and lasts until Feb. 28. The ministry will also hand out 10 million masks shaped like condoms to make sure "condoms are on people's minds." The masks double as cardboard fans to help stave off the steamy summer heat. "It's a time of year when happiness and alcohol mix and people sometimes forget about protection," the spokesman added.
::Second angle::
Devon- A 34-year-old fellow was drinking in a town called Hastings when he ran out of beer, and he didn't have anyway of getting to a store. No problem. He stole a 1- ton snowplow and drove it to 'Pump and Pantry' in Grand Island to buy a case of beer. He paid for the beer (and gas) with a personal check and drove off. The clerk suspected something and called the police who looked at the check and drove over to the fellow's house and arrested him a couple hours later.
::First angle::
Devon- And, my personal favorite of the day, a call came in to local police this morning from a horrified mother who believed that her son had stolen her bag of marijuana, and wanted her son arrested for this crime. The deputy replied, and I quote... "I wish I was making this story up."
::Second angle.::
Devon- And now ladies and gentlemen, when an Unholy Alliance-related story breaks through the cracks, our own Lantlas Anduril will be there to catch it, for a segment we call "Back in Blue."
::Lantlas appears in his usual "Back in Blue" attire behind a steel desk.::
Lantlas- There are times where I truly believed I'm facing the stupidest person to ever hit the world of pro wrestling. Then, there are times like this where I find out I've been proven wrong... AGAIN! For those of you who thankfully avoided this heinous assault on the intelligent mind, let me bring you up to speed.
"Only because your mommies and daddies are too cheap to even go to the ninety-nine cent store and buy food there, they have to come here and spend MY hard earned money, for some snot nosed little brats that are so damn spoiled that they can't even help their parents out and not cry so damn much, it makes me sick. Who the hell do you panhandling bastards think you are?"
Lantlas- Thaddaboy, Loco! Play the crowd and get them behind you. There's nothing people love more than a judgmental ignorant bastard! For someone who claims to actually have children, it's interesting to me that you haven't learned that sometimes they cry. Yes, Loco, human children actually do cry! Imagine that! Who would've ever come up with that concept! Then again, given that you spend so much time talking about ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, it wouldn't surprise me if you missed out on important things like, oh, what your child does when you're not there. I guess photographs sent through email don't depict those kinda things.
"Speaking of the Ewok, Lantlas, I hear that you are troubled with me, you dispite me, funny, I am the least of your worries, you should be more conserned about losing that title my friend, you can not win, your in an up hill battle, you wouldn't even show up for this, the kids would have loved it, you could finally be around the age group that your iq is."
::Lantlas stares at the screen with extremely wide eyes.::
Lantlas- Loco, I want you to do me a favor... The next time you're going to grapple with a concept like figuring out what the average IQ score is, first go back to your third-grade English teacher and ask her what the DEFINITION OF A FUCKING RUN-ON SENTENCE IS! The only up-hill battle I'm in is that I don't speak Retardenese, and sitting through one of your incredibly long speeches about absolutely nothing relevant makes a colonoscopy seem appealing. The paint is already dried, the grass has already grown, and you're still talking. How much free time do you have, exactly?
"Yes, yes, you have held a good deal of success against my tag team partner, but you see, ever since your lost to Ace Anderson....who by the way was also suppose to be here and didn't show, you just have been, well, can I say half the man you use to be???? AHAHA, or is it elf????"
Lantlas- Yes, Loco. Ever since I realized I was only 13-1 in this PCW, I realized that my days in this place are numbered, and that I just can't seem to cut it anymore. I have to ask... How's your record against the world champion, chumpstain? If you'd check your history books, you'd realize that I've defeated him as well, not to mention every other superstar I've come into contact with during my stay here. Also, note the fact that you're not making a strong case for your contendership when you downplay the fact that I've beaten the holy hell out of your tag team partner by myself, and in tag team action. The fact that he's replaced Douglas and Nightmare, whom I've also beaten on multiple occasions now, with a retarded near-chimpanzee who's going to bore me to death with endless insults doesn't help your situation at all. In fact, from what I can see, Willard would be better off if he just walked in the urinal and pissed on his own feet. It would save him the trouble, and he wouldn't have to listen to you talk for eighteen hours in the process... especially when he knows he doesn't stand a chance anyway. But I guess you, in your infinite wisdom, have taken this two weeks you've been here and put together that I'm just not what I used to be... NOT THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING IS, SINCE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE TO SEE IT, YOU NIMROD! Oh, and one more thing... Ever since my lost? My LOST?! Using an adjective to replace a noun, good going there, smart guy. And we're talking about MY IQ? I didn't know there were negative test results on that test, but by God, you sure figured out a way to prove me the fuck wrong!
"So, your the mighty Lantlas....I guess it's safe to say that your name is stuff of big stature, but much like all fairytails, they hero, just doesn't messure up to his legend."
Lantlas- Wow, where do I start with this one? My name is stuff of big stature? How the hell would you diagram that sentence? Not that Loco has any idea what that means, but please tell me. What the fuck did he just say? And "they hero"? They hero? Look, if you're going to attempt to unsuccessfully insult me, can you at least do it in a way that doesn't make flashing clips of you talking funnier than what I'm going to say about it? It just makes my job here too God damn easy. But once again, you're right, aren't you? I just don't measure up. I had a twelve-match winning streak, I've just come off another main-event win at the most recent Trauma, and defeating you is going to be easier than Chrissy Johnson after eight tequilas... Yeah, I just don't know where my career went, Loco. Maybe you can tell me after you do half of what I've managed to accomplish in less than three months of a career here. Go ahead, I'm waiting. Oh... that's right... YOU HAVEN'T PROVEN JACK SHIT, DICKHEAD! DEVON!
::The camera returns to Devon Drake in the anchor chair.::
Devon- And now for the feature presenation of the evening, we bring you "Dumb and Dumber: The Tag Team", brought to you by Lantlas and Friends' Particular Fondess of Using Parodies to Parody Parodies.
::The altered image comes on the screen in widescreen format, the way movies were meant to be seen.::
"DUMB AND DUMBER: THE TAG TEAM"
Starring such names as Lantlas and the Prophet!
::Lantlas and the Prophet are sitting in a van, and they have on shirts that say "Tha Unholy Alliance."::
Lantlas- We're the Unholy Alliance, and we can't even spell our own name.
::The credits roll, and the scene returns to Devon.::
Devon- Dumb and Dumber, the tag team? I guess that about covers it. That's about all the time we have this week, ladies and gentlemen. Be sure to join us next time, when we will surely have light-hearted, clean, and non-offensive material just waiting for you to digest like a bowl of Captain Crunch. Be sure to stay tuned for the feature movie presentation of "Jason Willard's Greatest PCW Moments." Running time estimated at 18 seconds. Goodnight all.
::The scene ends.::