Trauma Results {08/01/06} The Iceys

[Ace Anderson]

PCW Tuesday Night Trauma: The Icey Awards
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Live on E! from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada

The feed opens outside of the MGM Grand Casino, the second time in PCW history that it has began here. A small ticker with a countdown is in the bottom left corner of the screen, counting down to the start of the second ever Pure Class Wrestling Icey Awards. The camera is panning around the outside of the casino, at the people surrounding a red carpet, and limos arriving with celebrities. The feed turns to Glenda Wood, fishing for interviews with anyone she can find. She eventually spots Ali G, and makes her way over to him.

GLENDA WOOD: Ali G! Hey, Glenda Wood hoping for a PCW exclusive interview with you.

ALI G: booyakasha! ey glenda, is yous wicked dis evenin?

GW: Well of course I’m wicked, Ali. I’m always wicked. So, what are you here for this year? I know last year you were an award presenter.

ALI G: da icemann called me and he asked me if me would diged to do da same fin dat i did last year. i told im 'of course i do, i thought it was a wicked time. i'll be there fa sure.' now in da house i am, and glad to be in da house.

GW: So that means that you’ll be presenting the award for Most Loved Performer?

ALI G: aye, for real. now if you'll excuse me, i ave to go check if i can check a drink or two before da show starts. there isn't much time left now.

GW: Alright, that was Ali G, and, oh, just wait. I think, yes...

Glenda notices somebody out of the view of the camera, and she makes her way over to stand next to Benjamin Burnley and other members of the band “Breaking Benjamin.”

GW: Alright so we’re here live with the members of the band ‘Breaking Benjamin.’ You guys are here to perform tonight during the intermission, how do you feel about that?

BEN BURNLEY: Oh, well, we love Pure Class Wrestling. A friend of ours, Justin ‘Stormm’ Michaels uses one of our songs as his theme music, and we couldn’t be more proud. We always cheer for him and stuff, and we really hope he kicks the (beep) outta Rodney Phoenix at Deception!

GW: Yeah, none of us can wait for that match! So how did your experience with making your new album turn out?

BB: Oh, it was great. We worked really hard on it, and we feel like we made a solid album loaded with good songs. Not just one great song and a bunch of crap. You guys, just wait, we’ll all find out our biggest fears on August 8th with the release of Phobia.

GW: Thanks Ben, and the rest of you guys, we look forward to seeing you perform.

Glenda turns toward the camera now, and speaks into her microphone.

GW: We need to take a short commercial break, but once we come back, we’ll be ever closer to the beginning of the second ever Icey Awards!

The feed cuts out and changes to commercial. When the feed resumes, the camera is now inside the MGM Grand, and instead of Glenda Wood, it is Miguel Malone that is standing next to the stage with a microphone. Next to Miguel Malone, is Samuel L. Jackson.

MIGUEL MALONE: I’m here again! It’s me, the cousin of “Icemann” Luis Malave, Miguel Malone! We’re just minutes away from the beginning of the Icey Awards, and I’m standing here with this year’s host, because I have all kinds of connections. So, Samuel, or L or whatever it is you like to be called, how do you feel about hosting this year’s Icey Awards.

SAMUEL L JACKSON: Call me Mr. Jackson, mutha (beep). Second of all, I love watching Pure Class Wrestling. Nothing like a couple guys poundin on each other without holdin nothin back. I watch wrestling all the time, and only PC-Dubya. Ya know what Miguel? If my career in acting didn’t work out, I couldn’t probably see myself as a professional wrester or ass kicker or some shit like that.

MM: Oh, well that’s cool. So, Mr. Jackson, say it for me. Right quick.

SLJ: Say what? What in the (beep) are you talkin’ bout?

MM: Say the snakes line. Ya know? SNAKES ON A MUTHA (beep)IN PLANE!!

Samuel L Jackson simply glares down at Miguel, and then walks up the stage. The ticker in the bottom corner of the screen is down to three minutes, so he is going to get into the pre show. He walks across the stage to the podium, and picks up a couple of envelopes.

SLJ: What’s up everybody? Samuel L Jackson here, ready to host the second ever Icey Awards. This is some sorta honor, and I’m glad to be here. However, we ain’t quite ready to start up yet, so now ya’ll can watch a recap video of the last six months in PC-Dubya!

A video package comes up on the screen behind the podium, as Samuel L Jackson moves away from in front of the podium. “Oblivion” by 30 Seconds to Mars begins to play, and the picture shows Lantlas and Seth Sinn winning the Tag Team Titles. A caption comes up, and it reads ‘This Was The Beginning’, followed by Lantlas pinning Ace Anderson and then raising the World Championship over his head. As it shows Ace Anderson and Lantlas shaking hands, a caption appears that says ‘This Isn’t The End.’ The video then cycles through the faces of all of the PCW Superstars, and then goes on to show clips recapping the feud between Grimm and Mikey Wryght. It shows assorted highlights from battles between Rodney Phoenix and Justin Michaels. The screen flashes, goes dark, and then shows Non Compos Mentis climbing the second cage of the Hardcore Hell match. The video switches over to Non Compos Mentis and Anthony Douglas squaring off, and then shows some more highlights of various matches in the PCW. Kaden Keene attacking Ace Anderson, and James Keenan hitting Ace Anderson in the head with a guitar is shown next, followed by Non Compos Mentis getting thrown into the barricade by Icon. Non Compos Mentis is shown standing above Kaden Keene, holding a chair. “Oblivion” continues to play, as it shows Mikey Wryght holding the International Title high, and finally, showing Lantlas hitting multiple Elvish Tales. The screen goes black and the room is left in total darkness, before Samuel L Jackson’s voice is heard.

SLJ: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE ICEY AWARDS START RIGHT (beep)IN NOW!

Fireworks explode, much like the previous awards show, a 30 second display with multiple fireworks. The crowd gasps and cheers in appreciation, and as the fireworks die down, the lights come on. Samuel L Jackson is standing in front of the podium, holding multiple envelopes. He opens one of them, and takes out the slip of paper that is inside.

SLJ: Before the presenters come out and give out whatever awards those mutha (beep) need to give out, there are a few awards that I’m supposed to give out right now.

Samuel opens an envelope, reads it over quickly, and then adjusts the microphone.

SLJ: First, the mutha (beep) who wins the Most Shocking Turn Award, is Ace mutha (beep) Anderson! My boy from West Newbury. Whenever he shook hands with Lantlas at the end of the Main Event at Collision Course, I bet he could hardly believe it himself. Atta boy ya big mutha (beep).

The people in the audience clap for a few seconds, and then the MGM Grand grows quiet in anticipation of another award winner being announced. Samuel L Jackson opens another envelope.

SLJ: Alright, now we have the winner of the Executive Award, and the winner is “The Captain” Alejandro Walker, the craziest mutha (beep) in PC-Dubya.

Alejandro Walker appears on the stage from the left side and walks over to the podium. He motions for Samuel L Jackson to get out of the way.

ALEJANDRO WALKER: Listen up. First of all, I’d like to thank yous for havin’ me win dis ere award. It’s great to know dat all of my ard work dat I do for Pure Class Wrestlin’ is appreciated. Now, to da second matter dat I would like to address ere. Somebody ere has somethin dat dey would like to say to yous all.

"Bucky" Joe slowly stepped onto the stage from behind the curtains. To say the man got a round of applause would be an insult. It started with one of the PCW's finest, Ace Anderson, standing up out of his chair to give "Bucky" a standing ovation. He was soon followed by the other PCW superstars, as they all knew the hardships and sacrifices that good 'ole "Bucky" Joe had to make in this business. A jobber wasn't the best position to hold, but Joe never complained nor did he mind even. He loved stepping into that ring even if it would be a loss for him at the end.

With all the wrestlers standing and clapping, the rest of the audience was soon to follow by standing on their feet and giving the man what he truly deserved. Respect. Joe waved out at the crowd, mouthing "Thank you's" to all those in attendance as he stood up to the podium. It took a few moments before the excitement finally quieted enough that he could speak. He cleared his throat, then looked out over the crowd with a grin from ear to ear on his face.

BUCKY JOE: Well, I... I don't know how to really respond to that, but I thank all of you for it. Now... I know I didn't accomplish much in my career, and some may even think I wasted my time, but as the saying goes, "Time you enjoy wasting, is not time wasted." I have loved... every... minute...

He stops suddenly and stares into the crowd. He turns and looks at The Captain, then he brings his eyes back over the crowd. We finally see what he's looking at, as there's quite a commotion in the back of the seating area. Way back... way way wayyyyyyyy back. Someone is hopping, jumping, and tripping their way out to the aisle right in the middle of his speech. It wouldn't be so bad except that he was in such a hurry he stepped on nearly every person he tried to get by, causing an uproar of "Hey!" and "Watch it!" from them. How rude! Finally making it to the walkway... well... being thrown into the walkway by the last guy as he was a big guy and he was pretty pissed off by this man's actions... anyways, the crazed character begins to make the long walk to the stage. Just as he's about hop up though, two security guards tackle him to the ground.

There is a bit of struggle on the ground, and The Captain shakes his head as he walks over to the edge of the stage and tells the guards to let the man up. The hesitate for a moment, then finally move allowing the man to stand up. He brushes himself off quickly and then hops up on stage. Finally being lit up by the lights and everything, we find it to be none other than one of PCW's very own, Pegasus. He sneaks over to the podium, and after a short struggle getting the microphone out of the holder it's in, he faces the crowd.

PEGASUS: Well, I must admit that I love speeches. Big ones, little ones, great ones, bad ones. It's always good to hear them... unless of course they are boring... Not... uh... Not that your's was boring or anything Bucky, just... ugh... hold on here...

He turns his back to Bucky and scratches the back of his head. The people in the frotn row could see his lips talking, and it was evident he was discussing things with himself... and no, he wasn't pulling an NCM. He turns back to Joe with a smile on his face.

PEGASUS: Alright... let's try this again. Ok... basically Bucky, what I'm trying to say is that you and I have been part of the PCW longer than anyone. We've been here since day one of the re-opening, and you've probably been around even longer... not... not that you're old or anything... jeez... heh. I'm no good at this kinda thing, eh? Ok, last try. Bucky, as much as everyone here, myself included, would love to hear you give out a great retirement speech, there is something else you have to do. I mean... we ARE in the sport of wrestling, so all I'm asking you for is one more. Think about it Bucky, one of the biggest PPV's is just around the corner and we could have "Bucky" Joe versus Pegasus as your last match. I mean... speeches are good... but matches... now THOSE leave a final impact, much more than words ever will. Come on Bucky, one more match. One more match! One more match!

He starts chanting it... and the audience starts chanting it along with him. The sound is deafening as everyone chants out for one more match from Bucky Joe to really symbolize his retirement. One more match with Pegasus. One more match... just one more.

PEGASUS: So what do you say "Bucky" Joe, are you up for one more round with me?

He extends his hand to seal the deal as "Bucky" Joe looks him over, then to the crowd. It's dead silent as Joe scratches his chin, then reaches out and shakes Pegasus' hand. The crowd burst with approval as "Bucky" Joe agreed to one final match, his last match ever, with Pegasus.

Samuel L Jackson steps back in front of the podium, and he takes the microphone.

SLJ: Alright folks, up next we have some mutha (beep) named Scott Hall out to present the Most Shocking Moment of the last six months in PC-Dubya. So here he is, clap yo mutha (beep) hands.

Scott Hall appears from behind the curtain, and he is holding an envelope and an Icey Award. He reaches the podium, and removes his toothpick from his mouth. He flicks it out at the crowd, and then adjusts his sunglasses.

SCOTT HALL: Hey yo. Big Kev woulda been here with me but he’s too busy over in TNA tearin the roof offa their X Division. Kevin Nash, the big guy, next X Division Champ. You heard it from me first, Scott Hall. So instead of the medium sized mang and the big mang, you just get the medium sized mang, so that’s what you’re gonna have to settle for. Now, as for the nominations, I’m tryin to decide if I even wanna read em or not, or if I should just tell you who won the Award so I can get outta here and get some chicks.

Scott Hall strokes his chin for a couple of seconds.

SH: The nominees are:

Loco returning to the PCW at Trauma [43]
Mikey Wryght taking off his mask and revealing he was lying about his face at Trauma [43]
The Byrd defeating Ace Anderson in a Gauntlet Match at Trauma [41]
Blade Lionheart defeating The Prophet & Geno in a Triple Threat Match at Trauma [43]
American Nightmare debuting at Trauma [41]
Ace shaking Lantlas's hand following the World Title Match at Collision Course

SH: So yeah, outta those guys, the winner is Ace Anderson losin to The Byrd. Scott Hall is outta here, yo.

Ace Anderson and The Byrd both come up to the stage. Ace Anderson looks at The Byrd, notices there is only one Icey Award, and picks it up.

ACE ANDERSON: Byrd, you beat me, you surprised everyone, so you deserve this. Here you go, and maybe someday you can upset me again.

The Byrd nods and accepts the award from Ace, and Ace nods in response. The men share a handshake and a few inaudible words, and they both exit the stage. Samuel L Jackson returns to his place in front of the podium.

SLJ: David Spade, the crazy bitch from Benchwarmers and Joe Dirt is gonna come out here next and present the Most Hated Performer Award, and I guarantee ya it ain’t goin to him. He’s a funny mutha (beep).

David Spade walks out onto the stage, and opens up his envelope containing the winner, after he places the Icey Award he is carrying down onto the podium.

SPADE: Hi, I’m David Spade and I’m 12-years-old… And I’m gonna try and stay up all night tonight! Why am I presenting this award, you might ask? Well, I myself have won it a couple of times from people who said that I should’ve died along with Chris Farley. I’ve gotta say, does Chris Farley have his own TV show on Comedy Central? Didn’t think so, so let’s get to the guys who you hate, but I probably don’t!

SPADE: The first nominee is the Prophet, and what a surprise that a zealot would get the nomination here. This is the kind of guy who would approach you in an airport with one of those stupid little books, pretty much saying “here, you throw this away!” Don’t need it, thank you very much. What… Prophet’s not really like that? Oh well, I’ve probably already pissed him off.

SPADE: Next is Ace Anderson, the Greatness in the Skin or whatever he calls himself… Listen buddy, you aren’t greatness til you’ve starred in movies that everyone’s seen. Joe Dirt? Instant classic. Dickie Roberts? Casablanca remade. Eat that, buddy! I’ll tell you what greatness is, and if you wanna debate me, go ahead and bring it, steakhead.

SPADE: Next is “Mr. Showtime” Mikey Wright. Let me tell you somethin’, folks… I have the Showbiz Show, and a guy named Showtime is getting nominated for most hated performer? That’s a Spade imitator right there, and that means RATINGS! What’s wrong with you people? That’s money in the bank right there, I’ll sign for it.

SPADE: Next is Jason Willard, the man of a million stables. The guy can’t figure out who his friends are, or what he wants to call his little gangs, or whatever… Nightmare 2 Society, Tha Unholy Alliance… give it a rest, already. Just go out and get booed like you apparently like to. You’re in nobody’s nightmare except those who have to film you, so get over yourself.

SPADE: And last is Johnny Vivacious, the Jack Sparrow of PCW from what I understand. He ran a little thing called Club Vivacious and then disappeared off the face of the earth. Damn shame, I’d say. Sarcastic, blonde, and witty… David Spade-alike right there! Gotta love that! Now let’s see who won…

SPADE: The winner is Jason Willard. Great. I’m outta here.

As Spade finishes announcing that Jason Willard has won the award, the lights in the MGM Grand Casino go out. On the screen behind the podium, words can be seen. ‘MAY YOU AND ALL THE OUTSIDERS PERISH IN THE DEPTHS OF SHADOWED FAILURES’ can be seen in blood red on the screen. The lights return to normal, as everyone is wondering if Jason Willard is here, or if that was just an omen for things to come. Samuel L Jackson once again returns to the podium, and he straightens his tie.

SLJ: I guess that mutha (beep) Jason Willard was tryin to leave some sorta secret code for everyone hear to follow or some shit, I don’t know. Either way, we got the weirdest (beep) I ever seen, Ali G, out to present the next award. Get yo crazy speakin ass up here, bitch.

Samuel L Jackson steps out of the way as Ali G comes up onto the stage, carrying an envelope and an Icey Award. He sets it down on the podium, opens up the envelope, and looks out at the crowd.

ALI G: BOOYAKASHA! aight me crew, in da house's ali g to do da same fin i did last year, and innit tell yous all who da mostest loved superstar in pure class wrestlin actually is. so, without any esitations or stories about credit cards, in da house is da nominees.

ALI G: first off we ave pegasus, servant to da lord Jackie Chan and all of dat wicked stuff. pegasus as bin losin quillions of matches as of late, but yous don't ave to win a crew of matches fa everyone to dig yous. ell, i've neva won a match in my life, and all da bitches dig me!

Ali G looks over the nominees for a few seconds.

ALI G: benjamin banks isn't evun in pure class wrestlin anymore but i guess he got a nomination fa mostest loved superstar. well, me don't ave a clue much about dis geeza except he is a pegasus wannabe, lovin Jackie Chan and all of dat stuff, so i guess if he wins, he won't evun be around to take it, so thun i can keep it, cause me is probably da mostest loved performer not in pcw.

ALI G: next up is grimm, da geeza dat nobody for real natters to, and nobody digs to meet in a dark alley. dis geeza is crazy scary, and me don't ave a clue any more about im udda than e'll chill your back without thinkin twice. so maybe dey all just voted fa grimm cause dey didn't dig im to check them down one by one.

ALI G: non compos mentis, da trash geeza wiv a plan. e's bin on a roll in pcw lately, so if he wins it won't be any surprise. if he wins though, me is not gonna be up in da house cause he kinda stinks just a little bit.

ALI G: lantlas is an elf, and e's for real for real massiv. i wouldn't mess wiv dis geeza any more than i would mess wiv grimm, but fa some reason i still dig im. e's wicked to watch cause he doesn't evun borrow a care. aight, innit it fa da nominations. somebody get me a drumroll or somethin

Ali G starts tapping his hands on the podium, and he then stops abruptly.

ALI G: da winna is Jackie Chan's bestest wrestla, pegasus!

Pegasus comes out to accept his award, shakes hands with Ali G, and takes his award. He leans over the podium.

PEGASUS: Well I don’t have much more to say than thank you all, I may like speeches, but I’m kind of at a loss for words here. So yeah, thanks everyone, and I really look forward to me and Bucky Joe putting on a great match at the pay per view.

Pegasus walks off the stage, still surprised that he won an Icey Award, although he probably shouldn’t be. Samuel L Jackson returns in front of the podium.

[Ace Anderson]

SLJ: Next to present, two mutha (beep) that might as well jump the couch. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Check it out.

Jon walks out, but Stephen is nowhere to be seen.

JON: Hola, um… Where am I again… Place, the place where I happen to be presenting an award, I don’t know… I guess because I’ve interviewed the Rock on my show before. Not sure how many times you guys got rejected to end up selecting me to present your award, but I humbly thank those who were too busy washing their hair and getting root canals to do so.

Stephen Colbert appears on screen.

STEPHEN: Not so fast, Jon.

JON: Stephen, nice of you to join us.

STEPHEN: Of course, Jon. I was the one who was invited. The only reason you’re here is because we’re presenting the best tag team award, and I thought I’d bring along my trusty sidekick in order to prove the merit for my selection of the winner.

JON: But… I thought they decided…

STEPHEN: Don’t be foolish, Jon. Everybody knows when they need a winner, the man to go to is yours truly, Stephen Colbert. And with that, I have this presentation for the best tag team in PCW.

The screen begins showing highlights.

STEPHEN: The first nomination goes to “Tha Unholy Alliance”, and I can’t help but thank the public school system for teaching our children that one of the most basic words in the English language can indeed be spelled wrong by fully grown adults.

JON: Stephen, I believe it’s a slang term.

STEPHEN: Nonsense, Jon. Slang is the work of those looking to destroy the entire system, and I will not be having that!

JON: Jason Willard and Loco, a short-lived reign as the tag team champions, however pulled off an upset over Lantlas and the Prophet in order to win those titles.

STEPHEN: You see, they defeated that foreigner to both our country and our species, and that I like.

JON: You just said you didn’t like them.

STEPHEN: Don’t contradict me, Jon. The next nomination goes to 2Guys… Okay, that’s a little vague, but I’ll take it. I believe all these teams are in fact two guys.

JON: That’s the name of their team, Stephen. Menace and Jackle, despite not posting quite as impressive of a record as some of their counterparts, have managed to entertain us well on a weekly basis.

STEPHEN: Don’t be ridiculous, I can’t possibly support any team with a member who has blue hair. That just isn’t right.

JON: There go three of the five nominations.

STEPHEN: What was that?

JON: Nothing.

STEPHEN: The next nomination is Unbiesegbar, I mean Dominion. You see that, Jon? Dominion. They’re trying to take over the world, and I just won’t be having any of that.

JON: Dominion, consisting of Lantlas and Seth Sinn, began earlier in the year when these two wrestlers came out of nowhere and went on a tear through not only the tag team division, but the entire roster as well.

STEPHEN: There’s that blue hair that I warned you about. But Seth Sinn, he’s a bald, tough guy, and any guy like that is worth having as a tag team partner.

JON: But again, you said earlier you wouldn’t support a team with a member who has blue hair.

STEPHEN: I know what I said, Jon. If you contradict me one more time, I’ll take over your show too.

JON: I thought you were against a dominion.

STEPHEN: I’m only trying to take over your half-hour time slot, not the world, Jon.

JON: I see.

STEPHEN: The next nomination goes to the Byrd and Tony Brass, and I think I speak for most of the people named Stephen Colbert when I say: who?

JON: These two underdogs known as S.I.N. unfortunately had a bad stroke of timing, for just as they got their shot at the titles for the Pay-Per-View of Mass Destruction, Dominion came along and swept it right away and never looked back.

STEPHEN: They did in fact look back, Jon. At Game Over, they faced each other once again, so they would’ve had to have looked back sometime. But this team was named S.I.N.?

JON: Yes it was, Stephen.

STEPHEN: See, they’re promoting acts of blasphemy in their very name. I cannot support such a disgrace to morality and judgment.

JON: But Dominion has a member named Seth Sinn.

STEPHEN: It’s not the same. His has two “n”s.

JON: It’s the same word.

STEPHEN: I don’t think so Jon, so stop talking. The final nomination is for the Prophet and Lantlas. Hey, how did that guy get in here twice?

JON: When Seth Sinn was injured, the Prophet was Lantlas’s pick for his replacement.

STEPHEN: See, that’s just not right.

JON: Why not?

STEPHEN: I cannot disclose that information to you, Jon. It’s a matter of secrecy so urgent that I have to leave now. Goodbye.

JON: Where are you…

Jon turns back to the stage.

JON: Um, hi. And the winner is: Dominion!

Lantlas walks out from the back and shakes Jon Stewart’s hand. Jon steps away, as Lantlas looks rather tense.

LANTLAS: While I am no fan of speaking in public, it was your choice that I’m standing here accepting this award, so I’ll put my personal reservations aside for the time being. I am sorry that Seth Sinn is unable to be here to accept what he has earned, so I will be doing so on his behalf as well as my own.

When we came to PCW, no one had any idea who we were, and not a whole lot of people cared either. This was a time, not so much like the present, where you had to start from the bottom up. We took every step one at the time, and before long, we were the PCW tag team champions. No one ever defeated us for those belts. It was Seth’s untimely injury that ended this union of sorts, and I still wonder to this day how long it would’ve taken for a team to come along who could handle the both of us.

Seth, my brother… It pains me that you’re no longer around, and I hope that one day, you’ll come back and show these people who underrated you just how damn good you can be. On behalf of Dominion, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Samuel L Jackson returns to the podium, to announce the next presenter.

SLJ: Up next we got my boy from one of my favorite TV shows, which in case some of your aren’t aware, there is an invention called TV, and on this invention, they show shows, and one of these shows, was called the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. It ain’t Will Smith, but it’s the next best thing. Give it up for somebody you all might know as Carlton!!

Carlton appears on the stage.

CARLTON: How’s everybody doing tonight? It is indeed my great pleasure to stand before a group of people in which there might be a few who are somewhat close to being as smart as I am. I’m here to present the award for the Most Inspirational Performer, but before I do, let’s take a step back and talk about the meaning of the word “inspiration”. You see, the ancient Greeks…

VOICE: Would you get on with it already?

A huge cheer goes up from the crowd as Stewie Griffin appears on screen.

CARLTON: Wow, it’s a little cartoon baby.

STEWIE: Your powers of observation are likely matched by your vocal notation of the obvious.

CARLTON: What brings you here, big guy… I mean, little guy?

STEWIE: I own this world, and I will destroy it at my will. I go where I please without answering to pesky little ingrates like yourself. However, because they feared your appearance without Will Smith would tank the ratings quicker than a rerun of an XFL game showing instead of Tuesday Night Trauma, they sent me, the lovable little boy.

CARLTON: And you’re going to know something about inspiration, are you?

STEWIE: Oh, I can be quite inspirational myself. Bow down, little man!

A wind blows and Carlton accidentally falls to his knees.

STEWIE: See, I was inspired to do that. Anyway, the first nominee is Jade.

CARLTON: The young lady from Minnesota has shown us quite a few times that she’s willing to step up to any man in PCW. Though I personally think she’s foolish…

STEWIE: Shut your bloody mouth. The second nomination goes to the Byrd.

CARLTON: The Byrds? To every thing, turn, turn, turn!

STEWIE: No, you imbecile! The Byrd! We’re not in the bloody 50’s!

CARLTON: Sorry, just got a little excited.

STEWIE: Keep it in your pants, homeslice, or whatever you children call each other these days. The third nomination goes to Jason Willard.

CARLTON: Now there’s a guy I can admire. Loyal to his wife, and takes care of his children.

STEWIE: How can you admire that when the chances of you having either are about the same as “Miami Vice” winning best picture?

CARLTON: Hey, I resent…

STEWIE: The fourth nominee is Pegasus.

CARLTON: The messenger of the Lord Almighty.

STEWIE: That’s the Prophet, you idiot.

CARLTON: Hey, I thought Pegasus kicked… you know… rear ends for the Lord?

STEWIE: Whatever, I’m not worried about your bloody technicalities.

CARLTON: An inspirational performer, he definitely is. Whether he’s in the main event or fighting the latest signee of PCW, he always gives it his all, and has never caught a bad rap for having an attitude or being mean.

STEWIE: Yes yes yes, we get it.

CARLTON: Hey buddy, that was quite mean of you to interrupt me.

STEWIE: Your opinions are quite irrelevant, thank you. The fifth nomination is my man, Ace Anderson.

CARLTON: You like that despot?

STEWIE: Of course I do! Why, I plan to be like him myself one day! Dominant over all, reigning as the best there is to be! I will do it, mark my words!

CARLTON: I’m sure you will.

STEWIE: BURN IN HELL! And the last nomination is Lantlas? What the deuce?

CARLTON: Lantlas, the Elven Warrior… Do you have a problem?

STEWIE: Of course I do! What’s so bloody inspiring about a blue-haired freak who thinks he’s a mystical creature?

CARLTON: Because he really is, big guy, and I happen to like him!

STEWIE: I don’t need to (bleep)ing impress you.

CARLTON: Well you better, because the winner is Lantlas!

Lantlas comes out once again, still looking a bit tense. He towers over Carlton, and he quickly runs away.

LANTLAS: I didn’t expect to be out here for most inspirational, given that my integration with the fans took a very long time to work. I’ve often been secluded from the public and everyone I don’t know, so to receive this award is a real honor. I may not quite be the status quo of the PCW persona, but I’ve given it all every time I’ve stepped into that ring. I’m proud to be associated with this business, with this federation, and with all of you. If what I’ve done is inspiring to even just one of you, I will continue to fight on until no one longer believes so. Thank you.

SLJ: So that was the Elfman himself out to accept his second award of the night, and now Denis mutha (beep) Leary is gonna come out here and give out the award for Most Heated Rivalry. Now I’m about to get the (beep) off this stage ‘fore somebody starts throwin punches!

Denis Leary comes onto the stage and places two awards down onto the podium.

LEARY: Um… thanks. You know, I got the invitation for this event, and until I saw which award I’d be, um… presenting, I… wanted to smack the sender in the face. But since I’m not an ANGRY GUY AT ALL OR ANYTHING, presenting most heated rivalry is RIGHT UP MY FREAKING ALLEY! Roll the clips!

The screen comes to life.

LEARY: The first nomination goes to the Prophet and Loki, two high-class wrestlers who aren’t around anymore, so what the (bleep)? If they win, who’s going to (bleep)ing accept the (bleep)ing award? Think of some (bleep)ing contingencies, you (bleep)ing idiots! Anyway, I didn’t get to see much of this rivalry, cause I was busy trying to get them to let me smoke in the (bleep)ing bar! However, from what I know, these guys are, or at least were, both amazing competitors, so hats off to them for getting nominated. NEXT!

LEARY: The next goes to Al Laiman and Ace Anderson, and let me just tell you what, folks… When a guy who’s not even (bleep)ing wrestling can get (bleep)ing nominated for a (bleep)ing reward, there’s something just (bleep)ed up about that (bleep)! Al Laiman, what is this guy, a car salesman? Walking around in his pansy little (bleep)ing suit and spouting off about what he’d do to Ace Anderson if he got the chance… Well grab the bull by the (bleep)ing horns and do it already. (bleep)ing hell… And you, Ace Anderson, why didn’t you (bleep)ing take this guy out? If he’d been saying that (bleep) about me, I’d shove my fist in his (bleep)ing mouth! NEXT!

LEARY: Next is Grimm and Mikey Wright, and there’s a (bleep)ing good nomination for this category. These guys have fought more (bleep)ing times than liberals and (bleep)ing Rush Limbaugh. Grimm seems to win the majority of the matches, but then Mikey Wright comes out of (bleep)ing nowhere and finally wins that title. Good stuff, folks… Of course the time I finally pick Grimm in my (bleep)ing fantasy league, that little (bleep) Wright finally (bleep)ing wins one, THANKS A LOT, PAL! NEXT!

LEARY: Next is Lantlas and Ace Anderson, and look… I can tell why these guys were nominated, since they apparently had some of the best matches in PCW (bleep)ing history, but come on… These two are all buddy-buddy now, ohhh, isn’t it (bleep)ing cute? We’re nominating HEATED (bleep)ING rivalries here, PAL! What the (bleep) is up with that (bleep)? NEXT!

LEARY: Next is Jason Willard and Lantlas, and there he is again… That blue-haired mother(bleep)er just loves getting into fights with people, doesn’t he? Not that I do that or anything, but you’d think you’d learn to keep it under (bleep)ing wraps long enough to not get nominated for (bleep)ing most heated rivalry more than (bleep)ing once! NEXT!

LEARY: Anthony Douglas and Blade Lionheart… How the (bleep) did Blade get nominated for a (bleep)ing award! I know that suicidal freak Anthony Douglas wanted to kill this (bleep)ing idiot, so why the (bleep) didn’t he just (bleep)ing do it? It would’ve saved us all a whole lot of (bleep)ing trouble to not have to see them constantly fighting! Douglas is way above the level of this (bleep)ing fool, come on! NEXT!

LEARY: Oh, what a shock… There’s the little (bleep)ing troublemaker again. Lantlas just done pissed so many (bleep)ing people off that he gets nominated not once, not twice, but THREE (bleep)ING TIMES FOR MOST HEATED (bleep)ING RIVALRY! GET THIS MOTHER (bleep)ER SOME RITALIN AND CALM HIM THE (bleep) DOWN!

LEARY: And the winner is… Grimm and (bleep)ing Mikey Wright, and hey Mikey… You owe me a hundred bucks, pal.

Mikey Wryght and Grimm both come out onto the stage, Mikey Wryght carrying his International Title. Grimm takes his award, and Mikey takes his award as well. They both stare at each other, and then they walk away. Samuel L Jackson comes back, looks at both men leaving, and then turns to face the audience.

SLJ: Those mutha (beep) look like they about to kill each other. Now we got Justin Michaels comin out here to give out the Biggest Debut Award or some shit like that.

Justin Michaels comes out on stage holding an envelope, and has a big smile on his face.

JUSTIN MICHAELS: Well, I guess you could say it's an honor for me to be out here right now, giving out this award for the second time in a row. It's even more special, well, because this time, I'm a nominee. Why waste time though? The nominees for Biggest Debut are...

Jade debuting at Trauma [42]
Loco [re]debuting at Trauma [43]
American Nightmare debuting at Trauma [41]
Johnny Vivacious debuting at Trauma [31]
Dan Ellis debuting at Trauma [43]
Rodney Phoenix debuting at Trauma [45]
Justin Michaels [re]debuting at Collision Course

Justin opens the envelope and raises an eyebrow.

JM: Well, the people have spoken, and your Biggest Debut winner is...

The big screen above the stage lights up with Mr. One Night Only himself, the imcomparable Johnny Vivacious, seated in a brown leather chair with his black biker boots propped up on a glass-top table positioned just in front of him.

JOHNNY V: Poor Mr. Michaels...

Vivacious holds up bottle of Absolut in cheer to his long time friend as the smoldering end of his cigarette lights up.

JV: How many times are you going to have to give this award out to some long moved on to greener pastures, former Frostbite lackey?

He lowers the bottle down into his lap as the camera pulls in on him.

JV: Seriously, I can't sit back and watch anymore...

VIVACIOUS EDITION! RAP AND ROLL!

Ludacris' Get Back hits the speakers and a cheshire grin cracks the face of the Man in Black. The stage is illuminated by a multicolored spectacle from above and the crowd erupts in cheer, anticipating his arrival only to be quite disappointed when the music suddenly stops and all that can be heard is the maniacal laughter of Johnny Vivacious.

JV: You didn't actually think that I was...

He's cut off as the stage is once again speckled in colorful lights and music hits, this time however, it's a revamped version of Voodoo Child by Angelique Kidjo. Vivacious actually allows the cigarette to fall from his mouth into his lap. While he's distracted by removing the burning coffin nail from such a sensitive area, the audience goes wild in cheer for his wife, Stace Matthews, as she walks out onto the stage.

JM: Ladies and gentlemen, Stace Matthews!

Stace gives Michaels a peck on the cheek and then turns to the podium.

STACE MATTHEWS: What my husband means to say is...

JV: HEY! Don't you go out there and speak fo...

Before Vivacious can finish, Stace uses a remote control located on the podium to turn off the screen and just as quickly as he appeared he's zapped to a small dot then the Icey's Logo.

SM: ...anyway... I'm sure what he meant to say is, "Thank you all very much. It was an honor to work here at PCW and though he couldn't be in attendance tonight, he appreciates all of your support."

The crowd applauds as Stace blows a kiss over the podium accepting the award on her husband's behalf.

Samuel L Jackson watches Stace Matthews leave the stage, and then turns to face the podium.

SLJ: Johnny V is an ignorant mutha (beep), but I ain’t too worried bout him. Alright fools, next we got my (beep), David Ortiz, comin out here to present the Biggest Comeback award.

David Ortiz comes out onto the stage, and he stands in front of the podium holding an Icey Award.

ORTIZ: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to be here, after exercising my right to be named the comeback king of the major leagues. However here, I believe this will determine the biggest comeback in your realm of the world, and I’m honored to present this award.

ORTIZ: The first nominee is the Byrd, and I gotta say that I like this guy. No matter what happens, he always comes back fighting. Even scored a win over big man Ace Anderson there, didn’t he? Not bad, kid… Not bad.

ORTIZ: Next is Jason Willard, who came back with a bang to take on the likes of the now PCW champion, Lantlas. Eventually, he was successful, with Loco winning the tag team championships. Tough guy, and I admire him a lot.

ORTIZ: Moving on, we have the man previously mentioned, Loco. He wasn’t around very long, but quite an impact he made while he was back. Left a champion, and that I can respect.

ORTIZ: Next is Seth Sinn, and though the guy seems to have disappeared again, I understand he had quite a fire inside him when he returned from his injury. No one was safe there for awhile, so cheers to being an intimidating threat, Sinn.

ORTIZ: Finally, Justin “Stormm” Michaels, who returned from several months of running his own organization. He’s had a tough run of it so far, but he appears to be taking the reigns and moving up. Well done, Justin.

ORTIZ: And the winner is… Justin “Stormm” Michaels.

Justin comes from back stage with a cocky smile on his face. He waves to the crowd who his applauding as he approaches the podium and accepts his award. He shakes hands with David Ortiz as he sets the award onto the podium.

JUSTIN MICHAELS: Wow, I wasn't expecting that. In fact, I was back there telling someone I wasn't expecting to win. Actually, wasn't I just out here giving one of these things out?

Justin picks up the award and holds it up a little examining it himself.

JM: All I have got to say is thank you so much, and once again I wasn't expecting this. It's nice to see some of you still believe in me, and really, I'll leave you with something to look forward too.

Justin's cocky smile grows.

JM: You haven't seen anything yet!

David Ortiz and Justin Michaels exit the stage as Samuel L Jackson returns to the podium.

SLJ: We only have two awards left to be presented mutha (beep), and this is how it’s gonna go down. We’ll have some crazy bitch out here in just a second to present the Best Match Award, and then we’ll all get to see Breaking Benjamin play some shit. After that, we’ll have the presentation of the Best Singles Star, then we can all get the (beep) outta here! So now, without wasting anymore precious time, let’s get down to mutha (beep) business!

Samuel L Jackson steps away from the podium and waits for the presenter of the next award to come out, and eventually, Pegasus appears from the back. Eventually, he reaches the podium. Pegasus looks out over the crowd for a few seconds as he fidgets nervously... heh... a lot more people than he remembered last time... and he was recieving the award last time, not presenting it. He shuffled the cards on the podium quickly, and turned the award to face the crowd.

PEGASUS: Well, it was awhile ago that I took this stage to recieve this award with LoKi, and boy... it's a lot different presenting than it was just getting the award... anyways, on to the winners. I would go over all of the nominees, because all of them deserved the award I do believe... but there can only be one winner... soo... the winners of the Best Match Icey goes to Ace Anderson and Lantlas for their fantastic showing at Collision Course!

Ace and Lantlas both make their way up to the stage giving each other nods as the approach Pegasus. The award is first handed off to Lantlas, who declines to speak but instead just holds looks at the award for a few seconds. He then passes the award on to Ace, who boldly steps up to the microphone.

ACE ANDERSON: Well, I won’t lie to you, I think both Lantlas and I knew we were going to win this. Thank you all for watching the match, and maybe in the future, we’ll give you another one.

Pegasus had snuck off stage already as the two men held up the award together, the crowd erupting into cheers.

[Ace Anderson]

The camera switches from the view of the stage, to the stage on the left, where last year Eminem had performed ‘Just Lose It.’ This time, however, the stage has a huge curtain over it. Justin 'Stormm' Michaels comes back on stage, different attire this time, as he sports one of very own Stormm/Ordinary Man/Breaking Benjamin personalize shirts. The crowd cheers for him as he tosses out a few of these shirts.

JUSTIN MICHAELS: Is everybody ready for this? Cause it’s almost time for Breaking Benjamin!

The crowd is hushed as Justin continues.

JM: Here to set us up for the presentation of the Best Singles Star, we have a special performance from one of the best bands in the world these days. Their new album releases in exactly one week, and they are here to perform their first single off that album entitled Phobia.

The crowd pops a little as they wait for the actual announcement to really get into it.

JM: Please welcome the band that does my theme music, "Ordinary Man", not to mention my good friends! Ladies and gentlemen, put them together for Breaking Benjamin!

The crowd cheers as the curtains come open and the four band members are ready to perform. The lead singer, Ben Burnley approaches the mic.

BEN BURNLEY: How are you fuckers doing?

The crowd reacts back with a pop.

BB: Let me tell you what, that guy over there fucking rules. Give it up for Justin over there, seriously, that guy kicks ass!

The crowd continues to pop. A few seconds pass, before the opening chords of ‘Diary of Jane’ begin to play. The crowd begins to get into it, and starts jumping up and down and such. As the music picks up, they begin to cheer louder and start jumping even more, really getting into it. Ben Burnley approaches the mic, and he begins to sing.

If I had to, I would put myself right beside you. So let me ask, do you like that? Do you like that? And I don’t mind, if you say this love is the last time, so now I’ll ask, do you like that? Do you like that?

NO!

Something’s getting in the way, something’s just about to break, I will try to find my place in the Diary of Jane. So tell me, how it should BE!!

There is a very short pause in the lyrics and Ben Burnley starts to sing once again.

Try to find out, what makes you tick, as I lie down. Sore and sick, do you like that? Do you like that? There’s a fine line between love and hate, and I don’t mind. Just let me say that I like that, I like that. Something's getting in the way, something's just about to break, I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane. As I burn another page, as I look the other way, I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane. So tell me how it should BE!

There is another pause in the music, this one a bit longer than the previous. The camera pans through the crowd, still rocking out. The camera moves back to Ben Burnley now, who continues to sing.

Desperate, I will crawl. Waiting for so long, no love, there is no love. Die for anyone, WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!

Something's getting in the way, something's just about to break, I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane. As I burn another page, as I look the other way, I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane.

Ben Burnley backs away from the microphone, and the camera zooms in on Aaron Fink, and then pans to the drummer, Chad Szeglia. Finally, it pans to bass guitar player Mark Klepaski, and then back to Ben Burnley before the music finishes and the crowd erupts in cheer! Ben Burnley salutes the crowd, as does the rest of the band, and then the curtain comes across the stage, hiding them from all as the lighting returns to normal. The camera pans back over to the main stage, where Samuel L Jackson is standing next to the podium, a familiar place for him on this night.

SLJ: Alright mutha (beep). That was Breaking Benjamin, and that was some rockin (beep) shit. Now, we got one more (beep) award that we gotta give out, and it’s pretty much the biggest mutha (beep) of em all. It’s the Best Singles Star, and here to present it, is the jolly mutha (beep) himself, Alejandro mutha (beep) Walker!

“The Captain” walks out onto the stage, no envelope, but an Icey Award in hand. He sets it down on the podium, and pulls out his own wireless mic.

ALEJANDRO WALKER: Alright, last year Malave gave out dis award, but dis year, I won da Executive Award, so I think dat means dat I should be da one to present dis award. So, here are da nominees. Ya got da master of da mind games, The Prophet. Ya got da Abomination of Desolation, Grimm. Ya got da former Greatness in da Flesh, Ace Anderson, da elf Lantlas, and Pegasus, da man who will be facing “Bucky” Joe at Deception. So, without any more pausin, I’m gonna tell ya dat da winner of dis ere award, da Best Singles Star in PCW, is Ace Anderson.

Ace Anderson comes out from behind the curtain, a look of surprise on his face. He walks over to the podium, and accepts the award from The Captain. He stands in front of the podium, as Alejandro Walker and Samuel L Jackson stand off to one side. He holds the Icey Award in one hand, and looks out at the crowd.

ACE ANDERSON: Wow, I REALLY am not sure what to say in this situation. Six months ago, whenever I was a huge asshole, it all basically came naturally, but now, I’m just not sure.

Ace pauses as the crowd cheers for Ace, and he continues.

AA: Well, last time when I came out here to accept this same award, I went on about how I wasn’t going to thank anybody because I did all of this by myself, for myself, and all of that. Well, now, that’s really not the case. Not anymore. I stopped wrestling for myself, and I’ve stopped wrestling by myself. I’ve had people helping me along the way, and those people, for the most part, are you guys. The fans. The guys who hated me for so long, and had all the reason to, but now you’ve found a place in your hearts for me, and you cheer me. I’m glad you could come around, and I’m glad that I could too. However, there are three people in particular that I have to thank right now, three people who deserve it so much. First of all, I have to thank you, Lantlas, for bringing out the best in me. We already won Best Match, and like I already said, I hope in the future we can win Best Match a couple more times. I know I’m up for it. Second of all, I have to thank the love of my life, Katelyn. You’ve been a huge part of my life for the last few months, and you’ve made me a better person.

Ace pauses once again, and looks out into the crowd. A tiny smile comes across his face, and it looks as though he is getting a bit emotional.

AA: There’s a little girl out there who is probably really happy that I’m holding this right now, and I’d like her to know, that without her, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Emerald, you showed me the beauty of having fans, you showed me what it’s like to be loved by someone I didn’t even know, and you made it possible for me to win this award. I almost forgot somebody, but I decided that, I didn’t thank him last time so I better thank him this time. Guess what Dad? I did it again. Your support let it happen. I think that’s all. You’re probably all sick of hearing me talk, so I’ll just leave now. Thank you all.

The crowd stands up and begins to applaud, however, it is cut short when, from the left side of the stage comes Kaden Keene, and from the right side of the stage comes James Keenan. Kaden Keene blind sides Ace, and he falls right into James Keenan, who punches him in the head. Ace tries to fight back, but can’t handle the odds. Coming up from the crowd, onto the stage, is Al Laiman, who joins Alejandro Walker and Samuel L Jackson as they are trying to get in between Ace Anderson and Icon. The three stop fighting after some words by Al Laiman and The Captain, and Samuel L Jackson straightens his tie and walks over to the podium, but isn’t sure what to say. ‘The Captain’ beats him to the punch.

ALEJANDRO WALKER: Well, yous guys really like to fight, and Al Laiman, you seem to wanna get yourself involved in dis as well. I don’t know if dis is a good idea, but since when are my ideas bad ones? Al Laiman, you’re going to be the Special Guest Referee for da Tag Team Title match at Deception!

The crowd begins to cheer, and Samuel L Jackson waits for it to die down before he speaks.

SLJ: Ladies and mutha (beep) gentlemen! This has been the Icey Awards! Al Laiman is the Special Guest mutha (beep) Referee at Deception, and Pegasus is goin up against ‘Bucky’ Joe in that mutha (beep)’s last match. I can’t wait, I know you mutha (beep)’s can’t wait, I’m Samuel L Jackson, and I’m sayin so long, farewell, and drive home safely, mutha (beep)!!

*CLICK*