Live From New York! It's Saturday Night!!!!

[Chrissy Johnson]

(A lot of this will be improvising and editing skits from a transcript site. The only thing that will be personally written by me will be the opening skit and the monologue as well as the closing segment, the rest is edited.To see which character I play, I'm listing the roles before the beginning of the skit. Most credit will go to snltranscripts.jt.org , enjoy!)

*The scene opens up backstage as we see Chrissy Johnson backstage talking with Lorne Micheals about the show.*

Lorne
Now Chrissy, I know that in the wrestling world, it's all about surprises; but I really don't wish to see that tonight. I remember the night that we had the Rock hosting for the first time....

*As Lorne is rambling on about the Rock, Chrissy's mind begins to wander.*

Chrissy
Man....doesn't he ever shut up?! The Rock this, The Rock that! Who cares?! ugh, just smile and nod....

*Chrissy just continue's to smile and nod as Lorne continues to ramble.*

What about the real star of the show? Better yet, where is that sexpot, Seth Myers? Man is he awesome...dressed as Osama Bin Laden really does wonders....*A few giggles in the crowd* yum....

*Just then Chrissy's train of thought is broken by Lorne's voice breaking back in.*

Lorne
Chrissy, did you hear me? I wanted to know you're opinion on the Rock....

*A few giggles are heard*

Chrissy
Huh?! Oh, the Rock.....yeah...umm.....LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*After she screams that... the crowd goes wild as the camera pans into the opening credits.*

"It's Saturday Night Live....
Starring:


Fred Armisen


Rachel Dratch


Tina Fey


Will Forte


Darrell Hammond


Seth Meyers


Finesse Mitchell


Chris Parnell


Amy Poehler


Maya Rudolph


Horatio Sanz


Kenan Thompson

Featuring:


Bill Hader


Andy Samberg


Jason Sudeikis


Kristin Wiig

And Musical Guest, Green Day.....!

And you're host....CHRISSY JOHNSON!!!!!"

*With that said, the doors on the stage open up and Chrissy comes running down the steps. She has on a pair of tattered Blue jeans, Hot Pink and Black checkered Van's and a Black sleeveless top and tattered. Her long Blonde hair is scrunched and left hanging over her shoulders. She has a huge smile on her face as she throws her fist in the air to pump up the crowd. Once they finish cheering(Which is something she's not entirely used to hearing, being a heel and all). She begin's her monologue.*

Chrissy Johnson
WOW! *Giggling at the crowds reaction*I'm so not used to this! But this is deffently an honor to be hosting Saturday Night live for my first time!! It's really a change of pace from my normal day to day schedules with the PCW.

*Cheap Pop*

Yeah, it truelly is a great place to work and I'm not just saying that because I'm banging the boss....*The crowd erupts in laughter* Yeah....that's actually a rumor.....I've actually been with the whole locker room, if not more....*More laughter as she gives a sarcastic smirk* No....no really, none of those rumors are true, though the rumor of me getting a tag team title shot is.

*Cheering*

Yeah, go figure....right! Though I deffently have an unlikely tag partner whose really upset that I showed up to a match trashed. Like I could help it!? ....RIGHT?!Anywhoo, we have a great show for you tonight!!! Green Day is here!!! Stick around and we'll be right back!!!!!

*The music plays as Chrissy is shaking it on the stage as the show goes to break.*

~Commercial Break~

*When we return Were shown in a studio set up for the first skit.*

Deep House Dish

DJ Dynasty Handbag.....Kenan Thompson
Tiara Z.....Rachel Dratch
Tres Latraj.....Amy Poehler
Ms. Drama Martinez.....Chrissy Johnson
DJ Frontal Assault.....Bill Hader
DJ Dimitrios.....Fred Armisen

Announcer: You’re watching MTV 4, the alternative to the alternative. Next up, "Deep House Dish".

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Wooo! Welcome to "Deep House Dish", the only show devoted entirely to hip-hop and house music, and dishing out the latest house music stars for you to eat up. Yummy… YUMMY! I am DJ Dynasty Handbag and this is my co-host, Tiara Z. Tiara’s going to give us a review of Madonna’s new dance mix. Hey Tiara.

Tiara Z: Hey…

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tiara tell me, what did you think of Madge’s new moves?

Tiara Z: Um… it’s okay.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: That’s it? That’s your review? Tiara, why are you so dull? I mean you need to work on that okay.

Tiara Z: Okay.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Okay. First up on Deep House Dish is a new comer to the club scene. Please welcome Tres Latraj.

[tag: Tres Latraj- “I Killed Couture”]

Tres Latraj: [ singing ]
"I killed couture
In vinyl boots and plastic pants
I killed couture
Eating camembert outside of Paris, France
Bonjour couture.
I kill you you you you you you you you you you you."

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ohh Wee! Somebody just dropped some house on us! Now tell me, what’s next for Tres La?

Tres Latraj: Um, Danny Minogue and I are DJ-ing for Ian McKellen’s 70th birthday party so I don’t need to be here.

(Tres Latraj walks off)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Uh! Oh, oh! That was rude the way she just jumped up and ran out of here, right?

Tiara Z: That was.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tiara, please be less boring very soon, okay? I mean it’s not good for your health, all right? All right. Next up is someone who has defined dance music as we know it. Please put your hands together in a clapping motion for Ms. Drama Martinez!

[tag: Ms. Drama Martinez- “At the Club”]

Ms. Drama Martinez: [ singing ]
"Monday night, I was at the club
Tuesday night, I was at the club
Wednesday, had lower back pain, but Wednesday night, I was the club
Thursday, ate a bad fish sandwich, but Thursday night, I was the club
Friday, had lead poisoning, but Friday night, I was at the club
Saturday, had a root canal, but Saturday night, I was at the club
Sunday, another bad fish sandwich, but Sunday night, I was at the club."

(Back Track: Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep me from my cluuuuub!)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Wooo! Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep me from cluuuuub! Drama Martinez! Girl, where did you come up with those lyrics?

Ms. Drama Martinez: Those are not just lyrics, those things are things that really happened to me, they’re real.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You mean to tell me that you ate two bad fish sandwiches, had a root canal and lead poisoning all in one week?

Ms. Drama Martinez: Actually, I had a third fish sandwich, but I didn’t mention that one because I thought people would think I was a moron!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well, you must love fish sandwiches.

Tiara Z: I can’t have fish.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ohh Wee! Tiara, I am telling you as a friend, make sure when you move your lips, something interesting comes out, or else people is going to think there’s something wrong with your brain, okay? Moving on. Out next performers are very big on the club scene in Ibiza, Mallorca, Mykonos, the Maldives, and the Canary Islands. Give it up for DJ Frontal Assault and DJ Dimitrios.

[tag: DJ Frontal Assault and DJ Dimitrios- “Urgent Needs (Jake Gyllenhaal)”]

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: No surpriiiiiiise.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: In button flies.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: I wanna make you chicken.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: Shake or bake or finger linkin’.

Together: Call us on our cell phone….

DJ Dimitrios: 917-555-0155.

DJ Frontal Assault: 971-555-0155.

Together: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Jake Gyllenhaal… Jake Gyllenhaal! Oh my goodness! I think someone just added a floor to room to house music. Now what is the name of that song again?

DJ Dimitrios: It’s called "Urgent Need."

DJ Frontal Assault: Parenthesis "Jake Gyllenhaal."

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know, I’m going to immediately download that onto my iProd.

Tiara Z: You guys really brought it.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OHH WEE TIARA! YOU ARE TEDIOUS! We need to get out of here. For me, DJ Dynasty Handbag and Tiara Z, this has been Deep House Dish. We will see you at the club!

[fade]

~Commercial break~

The Holland Tunnel Hotel

Benny.....Horatio Sanz
Hotel Guest.....Rob Riggle
Manager.....Chris Parnell
Simone.....Chrissy Johnson
Quinones.....Finesse Mitchell
Mr. Boderite.....Fred Armisen
Mr. Juice.....Darrell Hammond
Voice Over.....Don Pardo

[open on dilapidated building exterior with sign: "HOTEL"]

[dissolve to interior of hotel lobby with Benny behind front desk dressed in an undershirt and departing guest with a small suitcase]

Benny: Next time, I'm gonna charge you for the extra hour.

Hotel Guest: Go screw yourself, Benny.

[manager enters, dressed in a suit and holding a clipboard]

Manager: Ah, Benjamin, may I trouble you for a moment of your time?

Benny: Huh, what do you want now?

Manager: Well, as the new manager of this hotel, I want to remind you that part of your job includes asking the guests whether they've enjoyed their stay at the hotel.

Benny: What, that guy? He sells guns to drug dealers.

Manager: Well, with that attitude, we're always going to be a one-star hotel. I'm calling a staff meeting. [vigorously rings bell at front desk] Staff meeting! Staff meeting! Staff meeting!

[Simone, wearing revealing outfit and fishnet stockings, enters, pushing a maid's cart]

[Quinones enters, wearing maintenance worker's uniform and holding a sledgehammer]

[Mr. Boderite, an elderly man, enters, wearing a cardigan sweater and glasses]

Simone: Staff meeting? What the hell?

Quinones: Man, we ain't never had no staff meeting.

Mr. Boderite: Meeting?

Manager: I've called this meeting because the hotel review commission--the people who decide how many stars a hotel gets--are coming this afternoon. Now, call me a dreamer, but I would love to see us move from a one-star hotel to a two-star hotel.

Simone: Two stars? The only reason we have one star is because we haven't been reviewed since 1921.

Mr. Boderite: I was there.

Manager: Thank you, Mr. Boderite. Well, it's time to make some changes around here. First of all, we will be changing the hotel's name. This hotel will no longer be called simply "Hotel." It will have a more glamorous name befitting its historic locale, and be called "The Holland Tunnel Hotel." Secondly, employee attire. Simone, you are dressed--and I apologize in advance for saying this--but you are dressed like a prostitute.

Simone: Hmmm, there's a reason for that.

Manager: Which is?

Simone: I am a prostitute.

Manager: But you're a maid!

Simone: No, I'm a maid-slash-prostitute.

Manager: Is anybody else here working two jobs?

Mr. Boderite: I am.

Manager: And what else do you do, besides running the elevator, Mr. Boderite?

Mr. Boderite: I am also a prostitute.

Manager: Great, is everybody who works in this hotel a prostitute?

Quinones: Well, um, how do you define prostitute?

Manager: People pay you to have sex with them.

Quinones: Oh, then, yeah, I'm definitely a prostitute.

Benny: [raises hand] I'm a prostitute, too.

Manager: Good lord!

Simone: You should try it. You know, you can make a lot of money. People pay you for a whole hour, but it usually only takes five minutes.

Manager: Really, oh, that's wonderful. That's very helpful. Thank you, Simone. Does anybody else have any prostitution advice to give me?

Quinones: I would say, almost always wear a condom.

Manager: Thank you, Quinones.

Benny: Even when they're doing it to your face.

Simone: That's very smart.

Manager: Can we stop talking about prostitution?!

Mr. Boderite: And always get your money up front.

Manager: Thank you, Mr. Boderite. I'd like to get back to changing the hotel's image if I may. I'd like to propose that we change the sheets after every guest, and not never. [Simone scoffs] Furthermore, when a guest dies in a room, please let's remove the body.

Benny: Oh, come on, what are all these rules? How are we ever gonna sell cocaine?

Simone: No! No, guys, he's right! We can make this a better hotel. I'm tired of being a maid-slash-prostitute in a one-star hotel at the entrance of the Holland Tunnel. I am better than that! I wanna be a maid-slash-prostitute in a two-star hotel! My momma didn't raise me! [sobs into Quinones' shoulder]

Manager: Your mamma didn't raise you how?

Simone: No, my mamma didn't raise me. That's why I'm a prostitute.

[Mr. Juice enters, clapping]

Mr. Juice: [with foppish intonation] That was a very impressive speech. My name is Mr. Juice. I'm from the hotel review commission. I'm not normally in the practice of giving stars based on speeches, but this young lady's speech has inspired me. I'm going to give the Holland Tunnel one and a half stars!

Simone: Do you want to go upstairs with me?

Mr. Juice: One and three-quarters stars.

Quinones: I'm coming, too.

Mr. Juice: Four stars!

[all three exit stage left]

[dissolve to same exterior as previously, with sign now reading "HOLLAND TUNNEL HOTEL" and caption: "The Holland Tunnel Hotel ****]

Voice Over: Accomodations for the guests of Saturday Night Live are provided by the Holland Tunnel Hotel.

~Commercial Break~

*When we return, we see Chrissy Johnson standing off to the side of the stage. The camera zooms in on her as she introduces the first appearance of tonights musical guest.*

Chrissy Johnson
Ladies and Gentlemen....Green Day!

*The crowd begins to cheer loudly as she begins the stream of applause for the first performance of the night for Green day*

Green Day:
"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone.

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one, and I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk a.

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Till then I walk alone.

I -- I -- I -- I
I -- I -- I -- I

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone.

Read between the lines
What's (bleep) up and everything's all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone.
I walk alone, I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk a.

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Till then I walk alone.

I -- I -- I -- I
I -- I -- I -- I

I walk alone, I walk.

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one, and I walk a. My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Till then I walk alone."

*The crowd screams in approval as once again, we go to commercial break.*

~Commercial Break~

America's Next Top Model

Tyra Banks.....Maya Rudolph
Janice Dickinson.....Tina Fey
Kaiceey.....Chrissy Johnson
Kahlua.....Rachel Dratch
Amber.....Amy Poehler
Nole Marin.....Horatio Sanz
Thurkiel Epps.....Finesse Mitchell
Britney Spears.....Amy Poehler
Kevin Federline.....Seth Meyers


("America's Next Top Model" opening sequence appears, reads "Who Has What It Takes to Become America's Next Top Model", bouncy music plays)

Narrator: Now we return to America's Next Top Model.

(Tyra Banks appears)

Tyra Banks: Welcome, ladies. (Overdramatically) It's time to make our final cut, determining who will become...America's...Next...Top...(Whispers)..Model. Kaiccey, Kahlua, Amber, you've worked hard and you should be VERY proud of the (Makes wild hand motions) "whoop-de-whoo" energy and the "hi-hi-hi" you're achieved. I think you know our judges. Nole Marin, top stylist, Thurkiel Epps, top movement coach, and the oldest living suprmodel, Janice Dickinson. (Janice appears, hunched over on judging table)

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) You're all trash!

Tyra Banks: How are you all feeling?

Kaiccey: (Steps forward) Um, I'm feeling really grateful...and excited. I mean, I've learned so much. I used to think I was pretty, but you guys have taught me actually, I have weird eyes and fat legs...thank you. (Steps back awkwardly)

Kahlua: I can't believe I got this far. Everyone said there'd never be a top model with a mohawk (Points to her own mohawk), and I'm gonna prove them all wrong.

Amber: These two Chewbaccas can leave right now, 'cause I know I'm gonna win. I look great, I'm mad photogenic, I got one leg...(Applause) and I just ate a whole can of sardines! So let's do this. Ooo-ooh!

Tyra Banks: Let's take a look at your pictures. Kaiceey, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows a petrified Kaiceey)

Nole Marin: That photo of you is flawless.

Thurkiel Epps: And you looked really scared, which was very hot. (Puts finger on tongue) Tss!

Kaiceey: I guess, um, you know, I'm just not very comfortable with being sexy?

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) Please, sex is a part of this business, OK, I had to sleep with Meatloaf, and that was just to get a ride here today! (Scoffs)

Tyra Banks: Kaiceey, good job. You really showed your "Hey, girl!" and your "What-what?" Kahlua, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows Kahlua pointing to and showing off her odd mohawk)

Tyra Banks: Kahlua, I feel like you're relying too much on your hair, (Points at her own odd hairdo which is basically a big red wig, while panel of judges nod) and this show is NOT called "America's Next Top Hair Model"! That's my other show, and it's on right after this. (Points down, "Coming Up Next" bar appears and says "America's Next Top Hair Model") Amber, it was very hard for us to find a good picture of you.

Amber: (Pauses) I bet it was hard.

Tyra Banks: But we did our best...

Amber: That's what she said!

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber oddly) You're not using that right.

Amber: That's what she said!

Tyra Banks: Better. (Nods in approval) Let's take a look.

(Photo appears on TV screen showing Amber in a wild position, sticking her tongue out, revealing her "lady parts", which are quickly pixilated by the editing squad)

Nole Marin: Amber, in some ways, I think you want this more than anyone.

Amber: OK, here's why I'm the bomb. I'm super-fine, I'm round-the-clock horny, I'm rocking one leg...and I got a case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome...That's IBS for short, so take a walk, bitches, 'cause I can't! (Wild cheers)

Tyra Banks: A top model needs to be able to move...with ENERGY (Flails arms around), so tonight, your final challenge is a pose-off. We're gonna play some music for you to move to, and when the music stops, you pose.

Janice Dickinson: And don't screw it up! OK, modeling is not hard, NOT modeling is hard.

Tyra Banks: (Yells) Music!

(Bouncy music begins to play, Kaiceey dances very timidly and scared, Kahlua dances by basically pointing to her mohawk in different ways, and Amber does wild thrusts with her body)

Tyra Banks: And...pose.

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance and falls right on the floor, but soon jumps right back, as if she was proud of falling)

Kaiceey: I'm sorry, I'll do better.

Amber: Yeah, I fell! How you like me now? Uhh!!

Tyra Banks: (Points up) Music!

(Music continues and girls continue dancing the same way)

Tyra Banks: And pose!

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance again and falls)

Amber: (As she falls) Here we go. (Gets up) Whoo, uhh! I meant to do that! Ahh! (Throws peace signs)

Tyra Banks: Our judges....will reveal...their decision....after this.

(Commercial for "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" appears)

Britney Spears: Next week on "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic"...(Cuts to Britney looking at herself in the camera, pointing her nose to look like a pig's) Oh my god, look at my nose!

Kevin Federline: Aww, hell naw.

Britney Spears: Look at my nose! It looks so funny like that.

Kevin Federline: Hell naw.

Britney Spears: (Turns to Kevin) Will you marry me?

(Commences to a totally gross make-out, groaning loudly and licking each other's faces, but soon the commercial is over and "America's Next Top Model" returns)

Tyra Banks: Ladies, after a lot of "Wah-OK?" and (Snaps fingers with each "Mmm") "Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!", we have a decision. America's...Next....Top....Maw....del....is....

(Camera pans to each of the girls' faces, all extremely emotional, except for Amber, who throws a peace sign)

Tyra: Kaiceey.

(Kaiceey bursts into tears while Kahlua hugs her, then leaves the room, pointing at her mohawk)

Kaiceey: Oh, god. I'm so happy. I guess I'll just, I'll dro...drop out of law school. Thank you?

Amber: (Yelps in disgust) Fine! This show's stupid anyway. I'm gonna go on "Clean Sweep"....'cause my apartment's filled with trash! (Holds hands to her mouth and lets out loud yell) You all can suck it when I get a free Swiffer! (Jumps and farts) Yeah, I farted...jealous?

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber in disgust) No...I'm not.

Amber: That's what she said!

Tyra Banks: How many times do I have to tell you, that's not how that works!

Amber: That's what she said!

Tyra Banks: Got me again...

Amber; See you later, suckers. (Keeps on jumping and farting until she falls...again) (As she falls) Oh, here we go.

("America's Next Top Model" graphics appear)

[Chrissy Johnson]

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

.....Amy Poehler
.....Tina Fey
Chris Cox-Sanz.....Chrissy Johnson
Danni Sanz-Cox.....Maya Rudolph
Rev. Al Sharpton.....Kenan Thompson
President Vicente Fox.....Fred Armisen


Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[pulls out a copy of the New York Post from underneath the desk while humming the first notes of “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll”] This week, the London Sun and the New York Post published photos of Saddam Hussein in his underpants, and yes, I guess the imperial carpet does match the drapes.

Here’s the only other joke we have for this: Man, Antonio Sabato, Jr. has really let himself go!

Back to you, Amy.

Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas. [applause]

Tina Fey: Donald Trump’s elected Kendra Todd as his first female “Apprentice” during Thursday night’s season finale, although some felt the “prize jobs” offered to her were a little bit sexist. Todd had the choice of working at the Miss Universe pageant, redecorating Trump’s Palm Beach mansion, or being head of marketing for his new, Super Jumbo Trumpons. [applause; Tina imitates The Donald] They’re huge… the hugest tampons in the world! They’re huge.

Amy Poehler: Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, Vili Fualaau, were married Thursday night. According to witnesses, she wore Vera Wang, while he wore Spider-Man. [applause]

Tina Fey: This week marks the one-year anniversary of legalized gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts. Over a thousand same-sex couples were married there in the past year. Here to talk about their first year as a legally-married couple are Mr. Chris Cox-Sanz and Mr. Danni Sanz-Cox.

[pan to Chris and Danny, who are both female; applause]

Chris Cox-Sanz: Thanks. Thanks for having us, Tina and Amy. Please call us “Mrs.” and “Mrs.”

Tina Fey: Oh, ladies, my sincere apologies, I- I- I’m sorry. I- I had mistakenly thought that you were a male couple because I had only seen your names… and a photograph of you.

Chris Cox-Sanz: No sweat, happens all the time.

Tina Fey: So how has your first year of marriage been?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Oh, it’s been everything we dreamed of, Tina. Last May we had a beautiful ceremony with fifty of our closest family and friends, and five of our closest cats and pit bulls.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Mmm. It was a beautiful day.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Mmm. Danni and I wore matching Donna Karen blazers.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Right. [Their wedding photo is shown, and they appear like two men]

Amy Poehler: Tina, is- is that the picture that threw you?

Tina Fey: Yes.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, understandable.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: We finally feel like we’re part of society, Tina, like we’re a regular, married couple.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah. Just the other night, I was saying “Dammit, Chris where’d you put the checkbook?” and Chris was, like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you look under that big-ass pile of Oprah magazines you need to keep so frickin’ badly.” And then I pretended to be asleep so we didn’t have to have sex. [they smile at each other]

Amy Poehler: Sounds like a real marriage.

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s a real marriage.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: So what do you guys say to conservative groups like Focus on the Family, who claim that marriage is only for men and women?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, no doubt, Tina, the heterosexual community has perfected marriage.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Maureen and Bill O’ Reilly.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Bill and Hilary Clinton.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yeah. Obviously, that was more of what God had in mind.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: But we’re just grateful for the chance to try. Happy anniversary, babe. [kisses Danni on the cheek]

Danni Sanz-Cox: Thanks… Did you brush your teeth after dinner?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yes!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, your breath smells like baba ghanoush.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, thanks for saying it on TV!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, I’d want you to tell me!

Chris Cox-Sanz: Fine. You need to clip your nose hairs.

Tina Fey: Oh boy. Genuine married couple Chris and Danni Cox-Sanz-Cox, everybody! [applause]

Amy Poehler: A large number of Star Wars fans in New York posted messages on Craiglist, looking for dates to the movie’s opening night. Said one dateless Star Wars fan, [imitating Yoda] “Pick you up at eight, my mother will?” [frowns] That’s my Yoda impression.

Tina Fey: To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska, this week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turns soybeans into a clean-burning diesel fuel, which the President hopes one day will be used to power oil-drilling machines in Alaska. [applause]

Chase Bank on Thursday announced plans to launch a new credit card that users can simply hold near a terminal instead of manually swiping it, in order to vastly increase the speed at which their identity is stolen.

Amy Poehler: The principal of an elementary school in New Mexico kissed a frog as part of a promise she made to her students if they met their reading goal. But then she let the frog get to second base, which was not cool.

Tina Fey: Oscar win-- Oscar winner Jamie Foxx will tape a musical special for NBC next season. People who’ve seen the special said, “O-oh!”—

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!” [to the tune of Ray Charles’ “What’d I Say”]

Tina Fey: “O-oh!”

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!”

Tina Fey: “Uhh.”

Amy Poehler: “Uhh.”

Tina Fey: “Uhnn.”

Amy Poehler: “No.”

Tina Fey: “Ugh.”

Amy Poehler: “Ugh.” [both shake their heads in disgust; applause]

Tina Fey: Six Flags Amusement Park has added a disclaimer to its tickets, saying that it will refuse entry to convicted sex offenders. Which is great, but who’s gonna operate the rides?? [some applause]

Amy Poehler: A new book, called The Case of the Female Orgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys. [picture of the book’s fake cover, featuring the Hardy Boys examining evidence] They’re looking for it…

A number of video game makers are hoping that the same large audience that enjoys Christian pop music will also like Christian-themed video games, such as Spiritual Warfare, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land, and Super Jesuit Brothers.

Tina Fey: An English man’s leg was saved after his Jack Russell terrier started licking it, which helped to prevent the leg from becoming gangrenous. Afterwards, the dog went back to trying to save his own balls. [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: A deer that got caught in a Wal-Mart in, uh—[stumbles, then restarts the joke] A deer that wandered into a Wal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska, was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials aren’t sure if the deer wandered in, or whether the Wal-Mart was built around it. [little reaction from audience; Amy clearly appears annoyed at her poor delivery] Aww, that was my last joke!

Tina Fey: You’ll think about that joke all summer.

Amy Poehler: I know!

Tina Fey: This week, Al Sharpton announced he would be traveling to Mexico to seek a formal apology from Mexican President Vicente Fox for saying Mexicans take jobs that “not even blacks would do.” Now, we at “Weekend Update” simply do not have the patience to wait for that meeting, so we have brought both parties together tonight to resolve the issue. Please welcome Vicente Fox and Al Sharpton.

[pan to President Fox and Rev. Sharpton; applause]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Tina, I am outraged. To suggest that black people in this country are only fit for the lowest pay and most demeaning work is an insult. Mr. Fox has still not apologized for this unequivocal insult, and I will not let this issue go away until he does.

President Vicente Fox: I can assure you, Mr. Sharpton, my choice of words was unfortunate. I was in no way wishing to cause insult to you, or to the blacks of America. I have the highest regard for blacks, and for what I have said I am very, very sorry.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Apology accepted. [the two men shake hands]

President Vicente Fox: I have never for one minute thought that the difference between a black guy and a pizza, is that a pizza can feed a family of four. This offends me!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [stares at the President for a moment] Again, I accept your apology, and I feel that this matter is resolved.

President Vicente Fox: I, too, feel the matter is resolved. I am not a racist.

Rev. Al Sharpton: And I am glad to hear you say that. I must say, not being a racist myself, I have never believed a Mexican and a cue ball are the same, just because the harder you hit them, the more English they pick up. [some applause]

President Vicente Fox: Then we are simpático.

Rev. Al Sharpton: I am very glad to hear you say that, and for your apology, I applaud your courage. And as a sign of my appreciation, I brought you some luggage. [places two paper bags on the desk]

President Vicente Fox: Luggage for me, yes.

Tina Fey: Come on, now, both of you, just stop it, OK? Stop it. Can’t we all just get along, please?

Amy Poehler: Yeah… Oh, I got one!

A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car. Who’s driving?

Tina Fey: I don’t know. [both President Fox and Rev. Sharpton shake their heads, puzzled]

Amy Poehler: A cop! [applause; all four share a hearty laugh]

Tina Fey: Oh, wonderful!

President Vicente Fox: You know, my old friend—[puts his hand on Rev. Sharpton’s shoulder] if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then who can we laugh at?

Rev. Al Sharpton: [brief pause] The Chinese? [the two laugh once again]

Tina Fey: President Fox and Al Sharpton, everyone! [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[more applause as Tina and Amy hug; fade]

~Commercial Break~

*When we return,Chrissy Johnson is standing stage left awaiting the crowd to die down.*

Chrissy Johnson
Ladies and Gentlemen....once again, Green Day!

Green Day:
"(Hey! Hey!)
Hear the sound of the falling rain
Coming down like an Armageddon flame (Hey!)
The shame, the ones who died without a name

Hear the dogs howling out of key
To a hymn called "Faith and Misery" (Hey!)
And bleed, the company lost the war today

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
On holiday

Hear the drum pounding out of time
Another protestor has crossed the line (Hey!)
To find the money’s on the other side

Can I get another Amen? (Amen!)
There’s a flag wrapped around a score of men (Hey!)
A gag, a plastic bag on a monument

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
On holiday

[ break ]

The representative from California now has the floor
Zieg Heil to the president gasman
Bombs away is your punishment
Pulverize the Eiffel towers
Who criticize your government
Bang bang goes the broken glass and
Kill all the (bleep) that don’t agree
Trials by fire, setting fires
Is not a way that’s meant for me
Just cause, just cause, because we’re outlaws, yeah!

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
This is our lives on holiday."

~Commercial Break~


Bear City

Announcer.....Fred Willard

[ open on meteor crashing into the earth and exploding ]

Announcer: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious cloud released a chemical that enabled bears to evolve and fill the void left by humans.

[ bear waving his fist in the forest morphs into a pajama-clad bear standing in his bedroom, scratching his back with a backscratcher ]

Announcer: And within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

[ worker bears dressed in business clothes wnder the area outside an office building ]

[ dissolve up "Bear City" title card ]

Jingle:
"Bear City
Bear, Bear City."

[ show bears as they now exist on earth - bears watering their lawns, bears stepping out of an elevator, bears sharing a smoke, bear reading a newspaper ]

Announcer: Although they couldn't talk, they went about their lives just like man had done.

[ show a smiling boy and girl standing in the park ]

[ SUPER: "Rex Banter" over boy, "Cynthia Davis" over girl ]

Announcer: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children. And they were quickly eaten. By bears.

[ a circle of bears surround the boy and girl and climb on top of them ]

[ show bears walking their dogs, then show other bears walking up the sidewalk ]

Announcer: Tonight: "Mom's Going Shopping."

[ dissolve to black, dissolve up on Mom Bear's shopping list: "Honey, Nuts, Berries, Salmon, Whiskey." ]

[ deadbeat teenaged bear son sits on couch playing video games. Mom Bear growls at him as she lays her list on the couch and bends down to pick up her purse. Teeanged bear growls back, as Mom Bear exits the house sans shopping list. He them jumps to his feet and peeks out the window to spy Mom Bear entering her car. Satisfied that Mom Bear is laving the house, teenaged bear reaches into the video cabinet, and inserts a videotape labeled "Honey Lappers" into the VCR. ]

[ the action in the video is hot, asa pair of bear cheerleaders struggle to undress one another as they kneel on a bed. A pizza delivery bear wanders aimlessly into the doorway. The cheerleader bears notice him, and wave him further into the room. The pizza delivery bear happily saunters closer. ]

[ cut to outside, where Mom Bear sits in her car and suddenly realizes that she forgot her shopping list in the house. Teenaged bear is enjoying the video, unaware that Mom Bear's shopping list is right behind his head on the couch. His head is bobbing up and down. Mom Bear enters the house. On the video, the pizza delivery bear is spanking both cheerleadersat once. Mom enters the room horrified, growling as she covers her eyes. Teeanged bear jumps up, embarrassed, as he clutches his drooped pants and quickly turns off the TV and stumbles out of the room. ]

[ dissolve out, dissolve up on sitting Bear holding a highball and toasting it toward the viewing audience ]

Announcer: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to card: "Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon" ]

[ fade ]

*The sound of synchronized Clapping and piano music could be heard as the end of Bear city comes to a close. On the stage is the entire SNL cast of 05', in the center is Chrissy Johnson and on both sides of her, the band Green Day.*

Chrissy Johnson:
WHOOO! I want to thank Lorne and the cast, Green Day, Icemann and the rest of PcW and everyone in attendance! Watch Deadly Intentions tomorrow night on PpV to see me take home the title!! G'night!!!!

*She blows a kiss before joining in with the rest of the cast as they embrace and the show comes to an end.*