Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2006 23:51:50 GMT -5
The seat in the middle calls my name, and I casually sit at the table with my feet propped up. A few seconds later, my good friend B Styles arrives.
LAIMAN: Styles!
STYLES: PWR nostalgia, eh?
LAIMAN: Dear God no, I wouldn't even wish that on Lantlas. This time it's organized.
STYLES: Who else is coming?
LAIMAN: Two people you'll expect, and one you won't.
STYLES: Well I love surprises.
To his surprise and not mine, Joey Cranston walks through the door.
STYLES: You're serious?
CRANSTON: Don't flatter yourself, Styles. Laiman and I may have our issues, but this is just too good to pass up.
STYLES: You've got a valid point there.
While the two take their seats opposite each other, Shawnie B. Demented and Vince Coldblood walk through the door.
STYLES: You're still alive?
COLDBLOOD: Of course I am, genius.
STYLES: No, I mean the twin tower of the night there.
SHAWNIE: I good you bid evening.
LAIMAN: I have brought you here for two reasons; one, this is quite the diversified discussion group, and two, one of the easiest targets in the history of laying the verbal smackdown on someone has arisen. Therefore, I believe it's time to crown the new "King of the Mountain". Styles, if you'd do the honors.
STYLES: Certainly.
Styles pulls out a flashlight and shines it on his face.
STYLES: Welcome, you all know the rules of King of the Mountain. Rule number one, you do not talk about King of the Mountain. Rule number two, there are no rules.
SHAWNIE: What about rule number one?
STYLES: That's more of a guideline than a rule, DO NOT INTERRUPT! And now, introducing the three-peat champion of King of the Mountain, Al Laiman!
LAIMAN: Okay gentlemen, you all know the idea. Everyone must have a Mountain Dew. Shawnie?
SHAWNIE: Yes, I bought the packs.
LAIMAN: Excellent. Now, the first one of us who rips Neo a new one so bad that Fazyo bursts out into tears will receive the years' supply of Mountain Dew, and in addition, the contents of NCM's stolen wallet, which are... B?
STYLES: Two bucks... Condom, expiration date 1997... And a picture of... I think it's his grandmother, no it's Nancy Reagan... Nancy Reagan.
LAIMAN: And as usual, quoting, screaming, and idiocy are encouraged.
CRANSTON: And the point of this was?
LAIMAN: We're doing our Seth Sinn impression.
CRANSTON: Oh, you were getting your ass kicked by half the roster?
LAIMAN: Close. Quoting a movie.
COLDBLOOD: Out Cold, right?
LAIMAN: Indeed, Out Cold, Coldblood. Okay guys, the voice-over comes on in about ten seconds, so shut up for a few.
The lights dim, and a badly-impersonated introduction is played.
VOICE-OVER: Welcome to the McLaiman Group, the rip-off show about a guy who rips stuff off. Our guests today, B Styles, Shawnie B. Demented, Joey Cranston, and Vincent Coldblood. This discussion will be mediated by Al Laiman. And now, Al Laiman!
LAIMAN: Issue number one, NCM's conversations with himself; a desperate cry for help, or a sad twist in reality? Vince Coldblood!
COLDBLOOD: Weren't we talking about Seth Sinn?
LAIMAN: WRONG! You cannot miss an opportunity to throw in shots at NCM, no matter what the circumstances.
COLDBLOOD: All right, well I just think maybe since he lost the mind by accepting your Hardcore Hell match, and since Douglas is going to annihilate him at the PPV worse than you beat Bastian...
LAIMAN: Joey Cranston!
CRANSTON: Don't be talking about Bastian over there!
LAIMAN: Don't be skirting the issue, fool. You lose your turn. Shawnie B!
SHAWNIE: Hey, we all know Bastian's crazy, ever since that night at Al's a few years ago when we...
LAIMAN: B Styles!
STYLES: NCM's on drugs?
LAIMAN: WRONG! NCM hired WWE for his creative writing, and it's the best idea they could give him. Issue number two, Non Compos Mentis teaming with Ace Anderson, who to feel sorry for, Big V.C.!
COLDBLOOD: I think the Ace Anderson is better off with someone who can wrestle...
LAIMAN: Joe Cool C!
CRANSTON: You better not cut me off again!
LAIMAN: It's my show and I'll do what I want, cut again! Dementia!
SHAWNIE: I lost to Blade once, so NCM can't be any worse than...
LAIMAN: ABJ Styles!
STYLES: Not even funny!
LAIMAN: WRONG! The parody of your unrelated names is quite humorous, and so is the fact that NCM's associated with a tag team partner who hates him as much as I do. The likelihood of this turning into a three-on-one beatdown is higher than sixty-three percent. Issue number three, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Vinny C!
COLDBLOOD: I didn't eat break...
LAIMAN: Joey-Joey-Duke-Buke!
CRANSTON: Devon Drake's contract?
LAIMAN: Shawnie McJobber!
SHAWNIE: A pint of pig's blood.
LAIMAN: B Stylin' and Profilin'!
STYLES: Special K with banana?
LAIMAN: WRON... Um, actually B was right on that one. Yes, he was... No wait, WRONG! It was Special K with pizza!
STYLES: You can't change the answers mid-way through!
LAIMAN: WRONG! I already did, tough shit! Final issue, issue number four, result of this week's Hardcore Hell match... Vincent Kennedy McColdblood!
COLDBLOOD: NCM ditches the match?
LAIMAN: WRONG! Too paranoid!
CRANSTON: You remember you've become a manager like he said, and instead invite Lantlas to participate in the match?
LAIMAN: WRONG! Agreeing with NCM on anything, even if as a joke, results in immediate disqualification from being taken seriously.
SHAWNIE: There's a Hardcore Hell match tonight?
LAIMAN: WRONG! Later this week!
STYLES: A jet plane engine crashes through his ceiling, sending him into the paradox that Geno named his finisher after, leading him astray through meaningless circumstances that end up being reversed when he feels sorry for some stupid girl who gets hit by a car being driven by a grown man dressed as a bunny rabbit and he ends up getting shot in the eye by the guy who eventually ends up dying in a pointless anticlimactic barrage of insanity?
LAIMAN: WRONG! NCM wouldn't get the reference.
STYLES: But Ace would.
CRANSTON: Or maybe he drives a Delureon and goes back to the 50's?
SHAWNIE: Or maybe he'll be trapped in a room with someone who was following him with a camera and he has to stick his hand down a disgusting toilet?
COLDBLOOD: Or he'll freeze to death and fall off a stupid boat!
CRANSTON: I got it! NCM meets Blade in his history class where neither of them know the difference between Joan of Arc and Noah from the Ark. They meet George Carlin in a phone booth, and end up going on a series of time adventures with really bad actors and historic foreign people who somehow manage the English language at a school presentation!
LAIMAN: Blade and NCM's Excellent Adventure!
STYLES: And the new King of the Mountain, Joey Cranston!
LAIMAN: Hey, we may have our issues with each other, but that was pretty damn fun.
COLDBLOOD: I must agree, but I also must be going. I told Nek... Vin I'd meet him later at the bar.
I glared at Coldblood as he left, as Cranston elbows Styles.
CRANSTON: What movie did some guy stick his hand down a toilet?
STYLES: Saw.
CRANSTON: Oh. Maybe we should've went with that one. NCM footless.
STYLES: That was the other guy.
CRANSTON: It'd still be funny.
STYLES: So Al, think Neo will get the Donnie Darko reference?
LAIMAN: You said it in an original manner, and NCM's about as original as Puff Daddy's rap albums, so unlikely.
Styles is the last one to leave, and I recline in my leather armchair, staring at the camera.
LAIMAN: Washed up at twenty-six years of age, becoming a manager because he's lost his talent... Feeling pretty good about those proclamations there, NCM? Did you happen to catch any match other than your own at this week's Trauma? I doubt it, so let me fill you in. Disregarding the fact that I had the big blue elf as my tag team partner, because it wouldn't have honestly mattered if it was he or not... My debut in PCW saw the wrestling legend winning not one, but two tag team contests... and in an ironic change of events, getting himself booked at the PPV against NCM... and Ace Anderson... the man who escaped my wrath when I had to deal with an out-of-shape lazy piece of shit that Geno had become.
LAIMAN: Don't think I've forgotten about you, Ace. You stood face-to-face with me, with that stupid-ass cocky grin on your face, and you believed that you could handle me as easily as you could handle Lantlas. Well buddy, your luck down those roads doesn't appear to be too much on your side, does it? In fact, a lot of people seem to be having trouble with myself and a few of my former employees. Lantlas has what, twenty wins and a world title belt? Anthony Douglas can't be beaten in a singles match? I myself will be winning the first Hardcore Hell match in PCW history against this half-witted waste of air named Non Compos Mentis, and then embarrassing him again at Return to Glory when not even the former world champion can help him.
LAIMAN: Ace, I know you and Lantlas have become all buddy-buddy, good for you. It's probably an inlet to try to take advantage of a guy who's had it happen to him way too many times. I hope you're proud of yourself. I know you better than you think, and I know for damn sure you don't give a shit about the tag team titles any more than I do. Your focus lies later that evening, when Lantlas will beat your sorry ass once again. Not that you'll be able to feel it, cause it'll be numb from all the times it gets kicked from me!
LAIMAN: NCM, this week before our match, I'll be taking you down memory lane, to show you the other brave/idiotic souls who've taken this road. Give you a little treat, being able to see what you're in for, ya know? Until then, sweet dreams, pumpkin. Don't let your own lack of talent wake you up in the middle of the night!
I leave the room as the lights go off.
LAIMAN: Styles!
STYLES: PWR nostalgia, eh?
LAIMAN: Dear God no, I wouldn't even wish that on Lantlas. This time it's organized.
STYLES: Who else is coming?
LAIMAN: Two people you'll expect, and one you won't.
STYLES: Well I love surprises.
To his surprise and not mine, Joey Cranston walks through the door.
STYLES: You're serious?
CRANSTON: Don't flatter yourself, Styles. Laiman and I may have our issues, but this is just too good to pass up.
STYLES: You've got a valid point there.
While the two take their seats opposite each other, Shawnie B. Demented and Vince Coldblood walk through the door.
STYLES: You're still alive?
COLDBLOOD: Of course I am, genius.
STYLES: No, I mean the twin tower of the night there.
SHAWNIE: I good you bid evening.
LAIMAN: I have brought you here for two reasons; one, this is quite the diversified discussion group, and two, one of the easiest targets in the history of laying the verbal smackdown on someone has arisen. Therefore, I believe it's time to crown the new "King of the Mountain". Styles, if you'd do the honors.
STYLES: Certainly.
Styles pulls out a flashlight and shines it on his face.
STYLES: Welcome, you all know the rules of King of the Mountain. Rule number one, you do not talk about King of the Mountain. Rule number two, there are no rules.
SHAWNIE: What about rule number one?
STYLES: That's more of a guideline than a rule, DO NOT INTERRUPT! And now, introducing the three-peat champion of King of the Mountain, Al Laiman!
LAIMAN: Okay gentlemen, you all know the idea. Everyone must have a Mountain Dew. Shawnie?
SHAWNIE: Yes, I bought the packs.
LAIMAN: Excellent. Now, the first one of us who rips Neo a new one so bad that Fazyo bursts out into tears will receive the years' supply of Mountain Dew, and in addition, the contents of NCM's stolen wallet, which are... B?
STYLES: Two bucks... Condom, expiration date 1997... And a picture of... I think it's his grandmother, no it's Nancy Reagan... Nancy Reagan.
LAIMAN: And as usual, quoting, screaming, and idiocy are encouraged.
CRANSTON: And the point of this was?
LAIMAN: We're doing our Seth Sinn impression.
CRANSTON: Oh, you were getting your ass kicked by half the roster?
LAIMAN: Close. Quoting a movie.
COLDBLOOD: Out Cold, right?
LAIMAN: Indeed, Out Cold, Coldblood. Okay guys, the voice-over comes on in about ten seconds, so shut up for a few.
The lights dim, and a badly-impersonated introduction is played.
VOICE-OVER: Welcome to the McLaiman Group, the rip-off show about a guy who rips stuff off. Our guests today, B Styles, Shawnie B. Demented, Joey Cranston, and Vincent Coldblood. This discussion will be mediated by Al Laiman. And now, Al Laiman!
LAIMAN: Issue number one, NCM's conversations with himself; a desperate cry for help, or a sad twist in reality? Vince Coldblood!
COLDBLOOD: Weren't we talking about Seth Sinn?
LAIMAN: WRONG! You cannot miss an opportunity to throw in shots at NCM, no matter what the circumstances.
COLDBLOOD: All right, well I just think maybe since he lost the mind by accepting your Hardcore Hell match, and since Douglas is going to annihilate him at the PPV worse than you beat Bastian...
LAIMAN: Joey Cranston!
CRANSTON: Don't be talking about Bastian over there!
LAIMAN: Don't be skirting the issue, fool. You lose your turn. Shawnie B!
SHAWNIE: Hey, we all know Bastian's crazy, ever since that night at Al's a few years ago when we...
LAIMAN: B Styles!
STYLES: NCM's on drugs?
LAIMAN: WRONG! NCM hired WWE for his creative writing, and it's the best idea they could give him. Issue number two, Non Compos Mentis teaming with Ace Anderson, who to feel sorry for, Big V.C.!
COLDBLOOD: I think the Ace Anderson is better off with someone who can wrestle...
LAIMAN: Joe Cool C!
CRANSTON: You better not cut me off again!
LAIMAN: It's my show and I'll do what I want, cut again! Dementia!
SHAWNIE: I lost to Blade once, so NCM can't be any worse than...
LAIMAN: ABJ Styles!
STYLES: Not even funny!
LAIMAN: WRONG! The parody of your unrelated names is quite humorous, and so is the fact that NCM's associated with a tag team partner who hates him as much as I do. The likelihood of this turning into a three-on-one beatdown is higher than sixty-three percent. Issue number three, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Vinny C!
COLDBLOOD: I didn't eat break...
LAIMAN: Joey-Joey-Duke-Buke!
CRANSTON: Devon Drake's contract?
LAIMAN: Shawnie McJobber!
SHAWNIE: A pint of pig's blood.
LAIMAN: B Stylin' and Profilin'!
STYLES: Special K with banana?
LAIMAN: WRON... Um, actually B was right on that one. Yes, he was... No wait, WRONG! It was Special K with pizza!
STYLES: You can't change the answers mid-way through!
LAIMAN: WRONG! I already did, tough shit! Final issue, issue number four, result of this week's Hardcore Hell match... Vincent Kennedy McColdblood!
COLDBLOOD: NCM ditches the match?
LAIMAN: WRONG! Too paranoid!
CRANSTON: You remember you've become a manager like he said, and instead invite Lantlas to participate in the match?
LAIMAN: WRONG! Agreeing with NCM on anything, even if as a joke, results in immediate disqualification from being taken seriously.
SHAWNIE: There's a Hardcore Hell match tonight?
LAIMAN: WRONG! Later this week!
STYLES: A jet plane engine crashes through his ceiling, sending him into the paradox that Geno named his finisher after, leading him astray through meaningless circumstances that end up being reversed when he feels sorry for some stupid girl who gets hit by a car being driven by a grown man dressed as a bunny rabbit and he ends up getting shot in the eye by the guy who eventually ends up dying in a pointless anticlimactic barrage of insanity?
LAIMAN: WRONG! NCM wouldn't get the reference.
STYLES: But Ace would.
CRANSTON: Or maybe he drives a Delureon and goes back to the 50's?
SHAWNIE: Or maybe he'll be trapped in a room with someone who was following him with a camera and he has to stick his hand down a disgusting toilet?
COLDBLOOD: Or he'll freeze to death and fall off a stupid boat!
CRANSTON: I got it! NCM meets Blade in his history class where neither of them know the difference between Joan of Arc and Noah from the Ark. They meet George Carlin in a phone booth, and end up going on a series of time adventures with really bad actors and historic foreign people who somehow manage the English language at a school presentation!
LAIMAN: Blade and NCM's Excellent Adventure!
STYLES: And the new King of the Mountain, Joey Cranston!
LAIMAN: Hey, we may have our issues with each other, but that was pretty damn fun.
COLDBLOOD: I must agree, but I also must be going. I told Nek... Vin I'd meet him later at the bar.
I glared at Coldblood as he left, as Cranston elbows Styles.
CRANSTON: What movie did some guy stick his hand down a toilet?
STYLES: Saw.
CRANSTON: Oh. Maybe we should've went with that one. NCM footless.
STYLES: That was the other guy.
CRANSTON: It'd still be funny.
STYLES: So Al, think Neo will get the Donnie Darko reference?
LAIMAN: You said it in an original manner, and NCM's about as original as Puff Daddy's rap albums, so unlikely.
Styles is the last one to leave, and I recline in my leather armchair, staring at the camera.
LAIMAN: Washed up at twenty-six years of age, becoming a manager because he's lost his talent... Feeling pretty good about those proclamations there, NCM? Did you happen to catch any match other than your own at this week's Trauma? I doubt it, so let me fill you in. Disregarding the fact that I had the big blue elf as my tag team partner, because it wouldn't have honestly mattered if it was he or not... My debut in PCW saw the wrestling legend winning not one, but two tag team contests... and in an ironic change of events, getting himself booked at the PPV against NCM... and Ace Anderson... the man who escaped my wrath when I had to deal with an out-of-shape lazy piece of shit that Geno had become.
LAIMAN: Don't think I've forgotten about you, Ace. You stood face-to-face with me, with that stupid-ass cocky grin on your face, and you believed that you could handle me as easily as you could handle Lantlas. Well buddy, your luck down those roads doesn't appear to be too much on your side, does it? In fact, a lot of people seem to be having trouble with myself and a few of my former employees. Lantlas has what, twenty wins and a world title belt? Anthony Douglas can't be beaten in a singles match? I myself will be winning the first Hardcore Hell match in PCW history against this half-witted waste of air named Non Compos Mentis, and then embarrassing him again at Return to Glory when not even the former world champion can help him.
LAIMAN: Ace, I know you and Lantlas have become all buddy-buddy, good for you. It's probably an inlet to try to take advantage of a guy who's had it happen to him way too many times. I hope you're proud of yourself. I know you better than you think, and I know for damn sure you don't give a shit about the tag team titles any more than I do. Your focus lies later that evening, when Lantlas will beat your sorry ass once again. Not that you'll be able to feel it, cause it'll be numb from all the times it gets kicked from me!
LAIMAN: NCM, this week before our match, I'll be taking you down memory lane, to show you the other brave/idiotic souls who've taken this road. Give you a little treat, being able to see what you're in for, ya know? Until then, sweet dreams, pumpkin. Don't let your own lack of talent wake you up in the middle of the night!
I leave the room as the lights go off.