Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2006 0:01:19 GMT -5
IN LAIMAN’S TERMS – SIXTH EDITION
September 15th, 2006
Ladies, gentlemen, and those who aren’t sure yet… Menace, Jackle get in line… Welcome to the sixth edition of the most accurate column in wrestling history, because the author of these words knows that in every way imaginable, he is indeed better than you. This past week, Pure Class Wrestling held a little shindig called “Living a Legacy”, and before this show, I made my Pay-Per-View predictions. What do you know? My most accurate prediction was that placing my epic match in the middle of the card would spell suicide for the rest of the show…
Come on, nothing could follow a match that the most intelligent man in the history of wrestling created! Hardcore Hell brutality, a clash of the titans in a sense, came on as the third match out of five. The fans’ reaction was something similar to me when I saw a preview for the movie “Akeelah and the Bee”. I believe it went something like this….
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!”
Of course, I’m sure fan reactions varied on both sides of the parental content line. The fact remains that you don’t put a Hardcore Hell match in the middle of a card. Though I do think it’s interesting, I was browsing the polls following this event, and half of everyone who witnessed this event believed our match was the superior match on the card. Not bad for a “26-year-old has-been” and a guy who’s more bland than Orlando Bloom. All this supposed talent floating around here in Pure Class Wrestling, and Al Laiman still manages to prove without a shadow of doubt that he is the greatest performer in the sport.
Then, of course, we had that swell little ending. Somebody named “Silence” interferes, cause it sure takes a lot of guts to interfere in a match where two guys have been destroying each other for a good hour. You don’t interfere in a retirement match, because now people will believe that Ace Anderson actually could’ve won that thing. Come on, I made that bitch burn and bleed like a pig roast! It’s not a good way to start out your career by immediately introducing yourself as a gutless wonder who named himself a noun… I guess he’s trying to be hip with a catchy name, like “Edge” or something… Hey, James Keenan is living proof that you DEFINITELY don’t have to be a genius to make it somewhere in this business.
It’d be vomit-inducing enough if it was just this Silence fellow, but no… He’s accompanied by one known as “the Voice”. Don’t we all know by now from listening to Non Compos Mentis that there is not one voice, but many? Or is this guy just one of Non Compos Mentis’s voices that managed to escape that ice cavern known as his brain and seek greater fortunes? I mean, I have voices in my head too, but they speak in Spanish so I have no idea what they’re saying… That’s really irritating, I wish one of them would get a damn job.
So Silence of the Voice this week makes his PCW debut, and it’s already in the main-event. Wow, so interfering in a match that actually means something qualifies this pea-brained Helen Keller impersonator to highlight a Trauma? Wow, the ratings are dropping out of the damn barrel here! Come on, El Presidente, I can only work so much magic. Most of those fans show up, hoping that Al Laiman might make a guest appearance somewhere, but as far as the television ratings burning out, it’s not my fault that you’re booking people like Silence in a main-event tag match.
Speaking of the main-event tag match, I see the winner of the Icey a Loser Invitational is also in there… The jaws that bite, the claws that catch… It’s the Gambitwock! So if the tournament winner decides to cash in his title shot for a world championship match, which he most likely will, we’ll have a square-off of “The Elven Warrior” and “The Gambit”… Lewis Carroll, rise from your grave and compose us a new spectacle, because we have two cases of those who are as seriously disconnected with reality as you! Who’s going to be the referee of that title contest? Alice in Wonderland? But then there would probably be a conspiracy ending with Jiminy Cricket trying to crawl up her dress into the gaping wonders of the forbidden unknown, and that would result in the main event at Mass Destruction being Lantlas and Alice in Wonderland against Lasiewicz and Jiminy Cricket in a no-powers-barred match. Heh, sweeps.
What else is there to look forward to for Mass Destruction? Sean Hunter brings in his old pal Cory Matthews and challenges him to a Topanga-on-a-pole match, in more ways than one if you catch my drift… I’d give her a pole, that’s for damn sure. Wait, I know! Bob Diehard recruits Bruce Willis, and they’ll start filming “Diehard with a Championship Match” vignettes, of course ending with a cross promoting the next Passion of the Christ movie, cause we gotta keep with the man of God gimmick and all… That is him, right? I mean, between Pegasus, Prophet, and the rest of the holy men involved in God’s work of beating up people with weapons for amusement, I lose track.
The Pay-Per-View is called Mass Destruction, so I suppose we would make Justin “Stormm” Michaels start referring to himself as a weapon of Mass Destruction, and who could we hire to hunt him down but never succeed? Jade? She’s good at sticking her face in places where it doesn’t belong most of the time, so we can go with her. Jade vs. Justin “The Weapon of Mass Storm Destruction” Michaels in an Iraqi Prison match… “This time, it all comes out… AND it’s legal, bitches!”
Then, we can gather together Silence, Anguish, and anyone else who needs to get a fucking real name, and throw them out in a field with nothing but access to whiskey and PCP. Then by the end when they’re all collapsed and beaten like the miserable little bitches they are, they can think of a new fucking name after they fail their drug tests and Bubba squeezes their wrists just a little harder.
Hey, that’s what you get when you book a Pay-Per-View without the greatest name in wrestling. Have fun in the woodshed, bitches!
And now, for a little section I like to call “Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger.”
A big tip of the hat goes out to the Prophet, who showed he can not only handle 2Guys at once, but has no problem hitting his finishing moves on women. A definite presence of masculinity and toughness in that move in that incredibly competitive battle royale.
However, a wag to the finger goes to 2Guys, who were both trying to have their way with Jade all throughout the match. Gentlemen, it’s bad enough that we have to hear the stories circulating about what you two do with each other, but throwing a woman in there would mess the two of you up! It’d be making the mistake of adding something people actually want to see in your schtick, and we just can’t have that kind of conflict of interest around here! PCW fans are NOT that smart!
Tip of the hat to Non Compos Mentis, for yet again leaving certain notations out of his glorified crusade of former HHW superstars. No wonder the guy feels so good about himself… It must be bliss to be so ignorant to have forgotten his embarrassing loss to the kid Kri Delastano, and once again neglecting his clean pinfall loss to the PCW champion, the one who he’s never beaten anywhere outside of the depths of his mind where his voices are the guest referees. Gotta give credit where it’s due, and if we all could ignore the facts that much, we’d probably be just as happy as he is.
BIG wag of the finger to Nina Arcania. Sister, we’ve been waiting to have a new Chrissy Johnson to rip on around here, and you go on and fade out within a couple of weeks? Bad form, Santa Maria… Er… Nina. That’s not the way to succeed in this business! Your lack of knee braces tells me you haven’t been doing your job right, and how convenient… I happen to have an opening in my schedule very soon.
Well, I think I’ve spent enough time glorifying this place with my presence. Next week, hopefully some PCW fans will write in their opinions and I will answer them. Last time I had to get Anthony Douglas in this thing, and you know you don’t want that… So come on, give me what you got, kids! Until next time… I’ll have a cookie.
September 15th, 2006
Ladies, gentlemen, and those who aren’t sure yet… Menace, Jackle get in line… Welcome to the sixth edition of the most accurate column in wrestling history, because the author of these words knows that in every way imaginable, he is indeed better than you. This past week, Pure Class Wrestling held a little shindig called “Living a Legacy”, and before this show, I made my Pay-Per-View predictions. What do you know? My most accurate prediction was that placing my epic match in the middle of the card would spell suicide for the rest of the show…
Come on, nothing could follow a match that the most intelligent man in the history of wrestling created! Hardcore Hell brutality, a clash of the titans in a sense, came on as the third match out of five. The fans’ reaction was something similar to me when I saw a preview for the movie “Akeelah and the Bee”. I believe it went something like this….
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!”
Of course, I’m sure fan reactions varied on both sides of the parental content line. The fact remains that you don’t put a Hardcore Hell match in the middle of a card. Though I do think it’s interesting, I was browsing the polls following this event, and half of everyone who witnessed this event believed our match was the superior match on the card. Not bad for a “26-year-old has-been” and a guy who’s more bland than Orlando Bloom. All this supposed talent floating around here in Pure Class Wrestling, and Al Laiman still manages to prove without a shadow of doubt that he is the greatest performer in the sport.
Then, of course, we had that swell little ending. Somebody named “Silence” interferes, cause it sure takes a lot of guts to interfere in a match where two guys have been destroying each other for a good hour. You don’t interfere in a retirement match, because now people will believe that Ace Anderson actually could’ve won that thing. Come on, I made that bitch burn and bleed like a pig roast! It’s not a good way to start out your career by immediately introducing yourself as a gutless wonder who named himself a noun… I guess he’s trying to be hip with a catchy name, like “Edge” or something… Hey, James Keenan is living proof that you DEFINITELY don’t have to be a genius to make it somewhere in this business.
It’d be vomit-inducing enough if it was just this Silence fellow, but no… He’s accompanied by one known as “the Voice”. Don’t we all know by now from listening to Non Compos Mentis that there is not one voice, but many? Or is this guy just one of Non Compos Mentis’s voices that managed to escape that ice cavern known as his brain and seek greater fortunes? I mean, I have voices in my head too, but they speak in Spanish so I have no idea what they’re saying… That’s really irritating, I wish one of them would get a damn job.
So Silence of the Voice this week makes his PCW debut, and it’s already in the main-event. Wow, so interfering in a match that actually means something qualifies this pea-brained Helen Keller impersonator to highlight a Trauma? Wow, the ratings are dropping out of the damn barrel here! Come on, El Presidente, I can only work so much magic. Most of those fans show up, hoping that Al Laiman might make a guest appearance somewhere, but as far as the television ratings burning out, it’s not my fault that you’re booking people like Silence in a main-event tag match.
Speaking of the main-event tag match, I see the winner of the Icey a Loser Invitational is also in there… The jaws that bite, the claws that catch… It’s the Gambitwock! So if the tournament winner decides to cash in his title shot for a world championship match, which he most likely will, we’ll have a square-off of “The Elven Warrior” and “The Gambit”… Lewis Carroll, rise from your grave and compose us a new spectacle, because we have two cases of those who are as seriously disconnected with reality as you! Who’s going to be the referee of that title contest? Alice in Wonderland? But then there would probably be a conspiracy ending with Jiminy Cricket trying to crawl up her dress into the gaping wonders of the forbidden unknown, and that would result in the main event at Mass Destruction being Lantlas and Alice in Wonderland against Lasiewicz and Jiminy Cricket in a no-powers-barred match. Heh, sweeps.
What else is there to look forward to for Mass Destruction? Sean Hunter brings in his old pal Cory Matthews and challenges him to a Topanga-on-a-pole match, in more ways than one if you catch my drift… I’d give her a pole, that’s for damn sure. Wait, I know! Bob Diehard recruits Bruce Willis, and they’ll start filming “Diehard with a Championship Match” vignettes, of course ending with a cross promoting the next Passion of the Christ movie, cause we gotta keep with the man of God gimmick and all… That is him, right? I mean, between Pegasus, Prophet, and the rest of the holy men involved in God’s work of beating up people with weapons for amusement, I lose track.
The Pay-Per-View is called Mass Destruction, so I suppose we would make Justin “Stormm” Michaels start referring to himself as a weapon of Mass Destruction, and who could we hire to hunt him down but never succeed? Jade? She’s good at sticking her face in places where it doesn’t belong most of the time, so we can go with her. Jade vs. Justin “The Weapon of Mass Storm Destruction” Michaels in an Iraqi Prison match… “This time, it all comes out… AND it’s legal, bitches!”
Then, we can gather together Silence, Anguish, and anyone else who needs to get a fucking real name, and throw them out in a field with nothing but access to whiskey and PCP. Then by the end when they’re all collapsed and beaten like the miserable little bitches they are, they can think of a new fucking name after they fail their drug tests and Bubba squeezes their wrists just a little harder.
Hey, that’s what you get when you book a Pay-Per-View without the greatest name in wrestling. Have fun in the woodshed, bitches!
And now, for a little section I like to call “Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger.”
A big tip of the hat goes out to the Prophet, who showed he can not only handle 2Guys at once, but has no problem hitting his finishing moves on women. A definite presence of masculinity and toughness in that move in that incredibly competitive battle royale.
However, a wag to the finger goes to 2Guys, who were both trying to have their way with Jade all throughout the match. Gentlemen, it’s bad enough that we have to hear the stories circulating about what you two do with each other, but throwing a woman in there would mess the two of you up! It’d be making the mistake of adding something people actually want to see in your schtick, and we just can’t have that kind of conflict of interest around here! PCW fans are NOT that smart!
Tip of the hat to Non Compos Mentis, for yet again leaving certain notations out of his glorified crusade of former HHW superstars. No wonder the guy feels so good about himself… It must be bliss to be so ignorant to have forgotten his embarrassing loss to the kid Kri Delastano, and once again neglecting his clean pinfall loss to the PCW champion, the one who he’s never beaten anywhere outside of the depths of his mind where his voices are the guest referees. Gotta give credit where it’s due, and if we all could ignore the facts that much, we’d probably be just as happy as he is.
BIG wag of the finger to Nina Arcania. Sister, we’ve been waiting to have a new Chrissy Johnson to rip on around here, and you go on and fade out within a couple of weeks? Bad form, Santa Maria… Er… Nina. That’s not the way to succeed in this business! Your lack of knee braces tells me you haven’t been doing your job right, and how convenient… I happen to have an opening in my schedule very soon.
Well, I think I’ve spent enough time glorifying this place with my presence. Next week, hopefully some PCW fans will write in their opinions and I will answer them. Last time I had to get Anthony Douglas in this thing, and you know you don’t want that… So come on, give me what you got, kids! Until next time… I’ll have a cookie.