Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2006 15:33:30 GMT -5
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS - EIGHTH EDITION
October 13th, 2006
Greetings, fellow victims of Murphy's law... I'm sure it's the worst day in the world for everyone except great people like me. Let's face it, I've kicked bad luck's ass so many times that he doesn't even come around my way anymore, and since my way doesn't include the PCW ring, you all are screwed. Hell, PCW is screwed if they continue to put up crap like I saw last week at Trauma. Hey, Skylar Marshall, you can't book a show half as well as Al Laiman can, so quit imitating already. Nobody's buying it, both implied and literal... Your last PPV rates were lower than someone who'd make a documentary about the Amish school shooting.
I mean, let's face it, the potential is there... You have the time, the market, and the fans (which I still don't understand), and you have a mildly-capable, somewhat-amusing roster. But hey, if someone who used a freaking leg drop can become the greatest wrestler of all time, or so I've heard, then a vampire can become world champion. Wait, that's not exactly motivating, is it? Let's take a look at your card, and I'll tell you exactly what is wrong with it.
CAKE OR DIEHARD?
First match of next week's Trauma is Jade against Bob Diehard... Honestly, who the hell is going to tune into that, except the ones who are just hoping that the shirt Jade's wearing creeps up just a little more, if you know what I mean. But from what I hear, she's more exclusive than Mensa, which means only someone like me could be hittin' that shit. But Bob Diehard? Why the hell would you even hire a guy who's named after a bad movie? Why don't you just have Jade wrestle a man in a giant chicken suit... Oh, wait, that's already been done, hasn't it? Unless this match was booked purely to show that Jade is better than most of the men on this roster, I'd suggest just letting her walk out, say hi, and then leave, since all Bob Diehard would have to do is show up for us to know who's going to win that match. NOT QUALITY TELEVISION, PEOPLE!
TWO GUYS, A BLOODSUCKER, AND A LOONY BIN
What the hell, now we're teaming crazy with deluded? What the hell is behind teaming up Kaden Keene and Non Compos Mentis? Doesn't Kaden already have a deadbeat loser as a tag team partner, now he needs another one? And against 2Guys, who for their part are very entertaining, but their in-ring work sucks more than Nina Arcania at a Sean Hunter convention. Yes Nina, I know it hurts, but admitting your problem is the first step to recovery. I'm guessing the logic behind this is to showcase two of yourbest wrestlers, and that in and of itself shows what a bad state in which you really are. How desperate do you have to be to be pushing Kaden Keene to the public eye? I'd have James Keenan attack everyone, after of course he wipes off the mascara and finishes watching "The View" ten-day marathon, since he obviously has not been toning his wrestling ability. Then, we can have a three-way, and not in the way Keenan would prefer. Keenan vs. Kaden vs. NCM in a bloody tampon on a poll match... Loser sleeps with Gravedigger. And don't worry, I'm sure when Gravedigger sees you next week and says he's never met you before, it's nothing personal. Just another notch on the belt, boys... That's all you'll ever be... But how bad do you have to be to be on the belt of freaking Gravedigger!
I'M THE CORY TO YOUR SEAN
Isn't this sweet? The guy who somehow snaked his way into a world title match has been getting his ass kicked like a gay pinata... Wait, that was kind of redundant, wasn't it? That's not right though, pinatas promote violence against flamboyant animals... "Hey, there's a donkey with some pizazz, let's kick his ass!" I'm just trying to say don't make the same Halloween mistake I did, that's all... See, I'm distracted already, and I'm supposed to be paying attention. The fans don't have to, and we all know Grimm is the God of PCW, despite his 0-4 record against the world champion. Claimed to be the most feared man in professional wrestling, and I'm guessing that's not because of his body odor, so I can only assume he's still half decent. Sean Hunter needs to go back to Chubby's and hope Jonathan Turner is still there with the guy from P.C.U., because that's the only way he'll ever last... Wait, those guys disappeared after the fourth season, didn't they? Guess you're shit-out-of-luck, Hunter! Back to being a janitor.
BEST OF FIVE IMPLIES ONE OF THEM IS GOOD
Michaels and Gambit square off... Again. Seriously, I know it's a best of five series, but do we have to do them all in a row? It's bad enough watching these two wrestle once, space it out a little bit! More people will tune out from this than the announcement that "Ernest Goes to Jail" will replace Monday night football. Have another beer, Gambit... It looks like you're about to survive a Stormm... It's okay, I'm sure you and Bob Diehard can form a formiddable tag-team someday. Who are the tag champions again? Oh well, we'll just declare you two tag champs out of pity, cause after all, Skylar doesn't wanna pay your bill for rehab.
SILENCE OF THE ELVES
You have Gravedigger in your main event, and that, unlike many other things I've said, is not a joke. Wait, yes it is, but you didn't intend for it to be. What the hell is this guy doing anywhere near the best of PCW? I'd be pissed if he were facing James Keenan, but he's facing the world champion and your supposed "next big thing"? Who the hell did Murdoc piss off? Sorry dude, but whatever you did, I'm sure you won't do it again if this is your punishment. Unfortunately, our punishment is being forced to watch you attempt to compete. Yeah, you're in the world title match, good for you. Nothing will give you momentum like a guy who can't even talk beating you.
I could keep talking, but I really don't want to. The more I look at these names, the more I want to invest in BIC, cause there's going to be a lot of sad wrestling fans after they get done with this show. Good luck with that Pay-Per-View, boys, Jade, and those who aren't sure yet... Yes, I do mean you Keenan. It's okay, you were just born that way.
October 13th, 2006
Greetings, fellow victims of Murphy's law... I'm sure it's the worst day in the world for everyone except great people like me. Let's face it, I've kicked bad luck's ass so many times that he doesn't even come around my way anymore, and since my way doesn't include the PCW ring, you all are screwed. Hell, PCW is screwed if they continue to put up crap like I saw last week at Trauma. Hey, Skylar Marshall, you can't book a show half as well as Al Laiman can, so quit imitating already. Nobody's buying it, both implied and literal... Your last PPV rates were lower than someone who'd make a documentary about the Amish school shooting.
I mean, let's face it, the potential is there... You have the time, the market, and the fans (which I still don't understand), and you have a mildly-capable, somewhat-amusing roster. But hey, if someone who used a freaking leg drop can become the greatest wrestler of all time, or so I've heard, then a vampire can become world champion. Wait, that's not exactly motivating, is it? Let's take a look at your card, and I'll tell you exactly what is wrong with it.
CAKE OR DIEHARD?
First match of next week's Trauma is Jade against Bob Diehard... Honestly, who the hell is going to tune into that, except the ones who are just hoping that the shirt Jade's wearing creeps up just a little more, if you know what I mean. But from what I hear, she's more exclusive than Mensa, which means only someone like me could be hittin' that shit. But Bob Diehard? Why the hell would you even hire a guy who's named after a bad movie? Why don't you just have Jade wrestle a man in a giant chicken suit... Oh, wait, that's already been done, hasn't it? Unless this match was booked purely to show that Jade is better than most of the men on this roster, I'd suggest just letting her walk out, say hi, and then leave, since all Bob Diehard would have to do is show up for us to know who's going to win that match. NOT QUALITY TELEVISION, PEOPLE!
TWO GUYS, A BLOODSUCKER, AND A LOONY BIN
What the hell, now we're teaming crazy with deluded? What the hell is behind teaming up Kaden Keene and Non Compos Mentis? Doesn't Kaden already have a deadbeat loser as a tag team partner, now he needs another one? And against 2Guys, who for their part are very entertaining, but their in-ring work sucks more than Nina Arcania at a Sean Hunter convention. Yes Nina, I know it hurts, but admitting your problem is the first step to recovery. I'm guessing the logic behind this is to showcase two of yourbest wrestlers, and that in and of itself shows what a bad state in which you really are. How desperate do you have to be to be pushing Kaden Keene to the public eye? I'd have James Keenan attack everyone, after of course he wipes off the mascara and finishes watching "The View" ten-day marathon, since he obviously has not been toning his wrestling ability. Then, we can have a three-way, and not in the way Keenan would prefer. Keenan vs. Kaden vs. NCM in a bloody tampon on a poll match... Loser sleeps with Gravedigger. And don't worry, I'm sure when Gravedigger sees you next week and says he's never met you before, it's nothing personal. Just another notch on the belt, boys... That's all you'll ever be... But how bad do you have to be to be on the belt of freaking Gravedigger!
I'M THE CORY TO YOUR SEAN
Isn't this sweet? The guy who somehow snaked his way into a world title match has been getting his ass kicked like a gay pinata... Wait, that was kind of redundant, wasn't it? That's not right though, pinatas promote violence against flamboyant animals... "Hey, there's a donkey with some pizazz, let's kick his ass!" I'm just trying to say don't make the same Halloween mistake I did, that's all... See, I'm distracted already, and I'm supposed to be paying attention. The fans don't have to, and we all know Grimm is the God of PCW, despite his 0-4 record against the world champion. Claimed to be the most feared man in professional wrestling, and I'm guessing that's not because of his body odor, so I can only assume he's still half decent. Sean Hunter needs to go back to Chubby's and hope Jonathan Turner is still there with the guy from P.C.U., because that's the only way he'll ever last... Wait, those guys disappeared after the fourth season, didn't they? Guess you're shit-out-of-luck, Hunter! Back to being a janitor.
BEST OF FIVE IMPLIES ONE OF THEM IS GOOD
Michaels and Gambit square off... Again. Seriously, I know it's a best of five series, but do we have to do them all in a row? It's bad enough watching these two wrestle once, space it out a little bit! More people will tune out from this than the announcement that "Ernest Goes to Jail" will replace Monday night football. Have another beer, Gambit... It looks like you're about to survive a Stormm... It's okay, I'm sure you and Bob Diehard can form a formiddable tag-team someday. Who are the tag champions again? Oh well, we'll just declare you two tag champs out of pity, cause after all, Skylar doesn't wanna pay your bill for rehab.
SILENCE OF THE ELVES
You have Gravedigger in your main event, and that, unlike many other things I've said, is not a joke. Wait, yes it is, but you didn't intend for it to be. What the hell is this guy doing anywhere near the best of PCW? I'd be pissed if he were facing James Keenan, but he's facing the world champion and your supposed "next big thing"? Who the hell did Murdoc piss off? Sorry dude, but whatever you did, I'm sure you won't do it again if this is your punishment. Unfortunately, our punishment is being forced to watch you attempt to compete. Yeah, you're in the world title match, good for you. Nothing will give you momentum like a guy who can't even talk beating you.
I could keep talking, but I really don't want to. The more I look at these names, the more I want to invest in BIC, cause there's going to be a lot of sad wrestling fans after they get done with this show. Good luck with that Pay-Per-View, boys, Jade, and those who aren't sure yet... Yes, I do mean you Keenan. It's okay, you were just born that way.