Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2006 4:53:46 GMT -5
-Tonight, I investigate the shenanigans behind the booking of Survivor Series matches that actually appear interesting. Is there some force of the internet wrestling community behind it?
-mygreatesthour makes an IWC Vengeance homepage and leaves out one of the founders. Will I use this opportunity to publicize my growing rivalry with this instigator?
-Papa's back with a brand new bag of tricks. Sabu is really Jeff Hardy. Next thing you know, he'll be losing his cell phone and appear on an edition of Matt Facts for it.
Knock Knock. Who's there? C.M. Punk. C.M. Punk who? C.M. Punk, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels all standing next to each other, and the first to break kayfabe has to sit through every DX segment aired since the reunion consecutively and rate them individually in at least fifty-seven subcategories, all of them below truthiness. This is the KAF Report!
Hello again, Brigaders and Heroes. So sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, but you know how it is. I was doing the good American thing by inviting Tatanka to turkey day, then Manifest Destinying his ass back to the Dakotas where he belongs. He calls himself a Native American, but I believe I was born here too, and that gives me the right to celebrate a holiday of feasting before asskicking if I so desire!
Anyway, the reason your fearless leader took a few days off is, I'm happy to say, he's getting married! That's correct, you read right! In exactly one month and one day, there will indeed be a Mrs. moonprism, and I'm happy to say, she is well versed in the aptitude of what exactly will be going on that day. You see, being the ultimate prophet of Vincent McMahon's words, I know exactly how I'll make the biggest day of my life a shining tribute to the God himself. I'm having a WWE wedding.
Now, before you internet "fans" freak out and tell me how that's going to sink my ratings, I say BACK OFF! In the history of WWE weddings, at least as I've read because there haven't been any recently, they are always huge ratings grabbers. The Kane/Lita wedding was just short of matching the Ohio State/Michigan game from last Saturday, and that's a strong 13.4, ladies and gentlemen. They're effective too. Everyone remembers the drive-thru wedding of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. Seven years later, look what's become of them. Now they're actually married with a child that one of our Brigaders is trying to kill, but the force is strong with them and they've maintained, despite their product being viewed by godless child-haters.
Walking down the aisle first will be the minister, and who better to go with than the man himself, Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada.
"Everybody listen, heh heh, TO ME! In case you didn't know, for one day only, my name is Reverend Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada, and I am here to join two people in holy matrimony. Fear not, we left Umaga in the trunk, so he won't be causin' no trouble for anyone... today. Bring on the, como se dice, wedding guests!"
Armando has the doors opened. Red carpet is dragged down the middle aisle, and Johnny Nitro appears with the rings on a pillow. Melina throws some flowers down on the aisle and attempts to find a way to do a split on the pews. Following those two, Jeff Hardy is accompanying my sister, and Jeff is the first man in history to have a blazer with shredded arm socks attached to it. My sister is geeking out more than isuxatlife18 would if Test won the ECW championship. Mickie James accompanies one of my groomsmen, just because he's a pervert and needs a pair of tits to keep his attention for the fifteen minutes he'll be sitting down. Mickie will have him on an invisible leash, and it won't be wrapped around his neck. Kane introduces the maid of honor, but is so tall that he knocks a candle off a holder and starts a fire in the back. Kane lets out a demonic laugh, and suddenly Gene Snitsky shows up from a trap door.
"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT!"
Snitsky disappears. Kane looks confused. The best man then walks down, and is pissed that my friend got a valet and he didn't, so he gets Mickie James' attention. Mickie responds to the call, forgetting about her invisible leash, and my friend is dragged the whole way up the aisle in the most painful way imaginable. Hilarity ensues.
Finally, I show up. I have a full orchestra play "No Chance in Hell" to commemorate my interest, and I only hope my split-legged power walk is a tribute to the living legacy of Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Suddenly, BG and Kip James appear, and claim they're going to crash the wedding. Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson show up and claim that enough gimmicks have been stolen without crossing over into their realm. The Voodoo Kin Mafia hi-tails it while Triple H appears and stands toe-to-toe with Owen Wilson. The people filtering in the attendance begin a debate over who has the more atrocious nose.
It's time for the bride to enter, but we all know this is a WWE wedding, so her dress is shorter than the Fingerpoke of Doom match in fast forward. Nothing would be more fitting than for the orchestra to replace "Here Comes the Bride" with "All Grown Up", just because the McMahons need to be reassured that they haven't been forgotten. Armando begins the ceremony, but by some unexplainable fault, a Titan Tron shows up across the church, and plays a video of Shelton Benjamin on the outside, claiming that no one will let him in, because he's black. Ron Simmons walks on by.
"DAMN!"
Shelton starts to vandalize the door, but Delirious shows up late in a green tuxedo. Shelton stops and looks at Delirious.
"Who the hell are you?" Shelton asks.
"SJNAEIFBEDFBEFJBHDEF IEFN IWEBFEIUFBE EFBEFIBAEFEBIFEFIPEBFEBFALSBF EDAS:DFE FEUFEFPEVFE EBFUEBFEIBFEIFBFAEFBEUIFBAEIFEI BVAWA BAH BAH BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Thank you, Delirious" echoes fallnangelspike from the front row.
Continuing on, the vows are interrupted by domluver, who has noticed that John Cena has arrived and is still wearing the camoflauge hat. Before she can make it over, she trips over the extended leg of isuxatlife18. andrewisgood takes thirty-seven minutes explaining how a leg trip causes someone to fall down, but backs it up by saying that the leg trip in the wedding of 1977 between his two cousins was funnier, for the fact that it was in response to the question of anyone objecting to the two being wed. stupify_me stands up and walks out, since his favorite part of the wedding has been interrupted, and if he can't have that part of it, he won't participate at all. As he leaves, everyone wonders who the hell invited him. And isuxatlife18 for that matter.
Armando asks if anyone objects to the wedding of me and my fiancee. Lita appears from the rafters, claiming that we got drunk and married in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I tell her that gay marriage is still illegal in Pennsylvania, and no matter how big her tits get, a marriage to a face like that could never be valid anywhere but Swahili and some parts of rural Russia. My fiancee decks Lita in her face, and suddenly her facial attributes are slightly improved. isuxatlife18 writes a post about how happy she is that Lita got hit. Armando is about to pronounce us husband and wife when Edge spears me off the top step. Shirley Doe makes his way in for the save, claiming to be the Rated "ARGH!" Superstar, complete with the eye-patch and wooden sword. In a heel vs. heel showdown, Shirley Doe remembers that we bought he and his stable beer, and clears house of Edge by throwing him through a plate-glass window. Sebastian Dark has seven Coronas and wonders why people are looking at him strangely for wearing a Cradle of Filth t-shirt at a wedding.
Armando commences our marriage, but not before HBK jumps over a pew and bounces off the stomach of pingsteal. The force of the impact causes the odor from pingsteal's unchanged shirt to release, and Brigaders and wrestlers alike join in throwing his ass through the Titan Tron out into the street, where Shelton Benjamin is still there trying to decipher if Delirious is speaking Lizard Ebonics. We leave, and have a very very very very very nice night... and dedicate it all to JBL.
But my wife said no.
Ron Simmons reappears.
"DAMN!"
I slowly realize this had absolutely nothing to do with anything. I'm just still pissed I wasn't even mentioned on mygreatesthour's KAF/WWE/IWC page. Commentators mean nothing anymore, I see. That's just fine! See if I call an unbiased main event between you and Morbs, you godless heathen of the internet community! You must learn, WWE will always prevail! These are the people who brought us HLA, Katie Vick, the Invasion, Jacqueline beating Chavo Guerrero, Isaac Yankem, and a Kevin Federline title run. Oh trust me, it will happen. We'll see you next time on the Report, and mygreatesthour, you watch yourself, biotch. By the power of Vincent Kennedy McMahon, I will find you.
-mygreatesthour makes an IWC Vengeance homepage and leaves out one of the founders. Will I use this opportunity to publicize my growing rivalry with this instigator?
-Papa's back with a brand new bag of tricks. Sabu is really Jeff Hardy. Next thing you know, he'll be losing his cell phone and appear on an edition of Matt Facts for it.
Knock Knock. Who's there? C.M. Punk. C.M. Punk who? C.M. Punk, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels all standing next to each other, and the first to break kayfabe has to sit through every DX segment aired since the reunion consecutively and rate them individually in at least fifty-seven subcategories, all of them below truthiness. This is the KAF Report!
Hello again, Brigaders and Heroes. So sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, but you know how it is. I was doing the good American thing by inviting Tatanka to turkey day, then Manifest Destinying his ass back to the Dakotas where he belongs. He calls himself a Native American, but I believe I was born here too, and that gives me the right to celebrate a holiday of feasting before asskicking if I so desire!
Anyway, the reason your fearless leader took a few days off is, I'm happy to say, he's getting married! That's correct, you read right! In exactly one month and one day, there will indeed be a Mrs. moonprism, and I'm happy to say, she is well versed in the aptitude of what exactly will be going on that day. You see, being the ultimate prophet of Vincent McMahon's words, I know exactly how I'll make the biggest day of my life a shining tribute to the God himself. I'm having a WWE wedding.
Now, before you internet "fans" freak out and tell me how that's going to sink my ratings, I say BACK OFF! In the history of WWE weddings, at least as I've read because there haven't been any recently, they are always huge ratings grabbers. The Kane/Lita wedding was just short of matching the Ohio State/Michigan game from last Saturday, and that's a strong 13.4, ladies and gentlemen. They're effective too. Everyone remembers the drive-thru wedding of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. Seven years later, look what's become of them. Now they're actually married with a child that one of our Brigaders is trying to kill, but the force is strong with them and they've maintained, despite their product being viewed by godless child-haters.
Walking down the aisle first will be the minister, and who better to go with than the man himself, Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada.
"Everybody listen, heh heh, TO ME! In case you didn't know, for one day only, my name is Reverend Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada, and I am here to join two people in holy matrimony. Fear not, we left Umaga in the trunk, so he won't be causin' no trouble for anyone... today. Bring on the, como se dice, wedding guests!"
Armando has the doors opened. Red carpet is dragged down the middle aisle, and Johnny Nitro appears with the rings on a pillow. Melina throws some flowers down on the aisle and attempts to find a way to do a split on the pews. Following those two, Jeff Hardy is accompanying my sister, and Jeff is the first man in history to have a blazer with shredded arm socks attached to it. My sister is geeking out more than isuxatlife18 would if Test won the ECW championship. Mickie James accompanies one of my groomsmen, just because he's a pervert and needs a pair of tits to keep his attention for the fifteen minutes he'll be sitting down. Mickie will have him on an invisible leash, and it won't be wrapped around his neck. Kane introduces the maid of honor, but is so tall that he knocks a candle off a holder and starts a fire in the back. Kane lets out a demonic laugh, and suddenly Gene Snitsky shows up from a trap door.
"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT!"
Snitsky disappears. Kane looks confused. The best man then walks down, and is pissed that my friend got a valet and he didn't, so he gets Mickie James' attention. Mickie responds to the call, forgetting about her invisible leash, and my friend is dragged the whole way up the aisle in the most painful way imaginable. Hilarity ensues.
Finally, I show up. I have a full orchestra play "No Chance in Hell" to commemorate my interest, and I only hope my split-legged power walk is a tribute to the living legacy of Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Suddenly, BG and Kip James appear, and claim they're going to crash the wedding. Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson show up and claim that enough gimmicks have been stolen without crossing over into their realm. The Voodoo Kin Mafia hi-tails it while Triple H appears and stands toe-to-toe with Owen Wilson. The people filtering in the attendance begin a debate over who has the more atrocious nose.
It's time for the bride to enter, but we all know this is a WWE wedding, so her dress is shorter than the Fingerpoke of Doom match in fast forward. Nothing would be more fitting than for the orchestra to replace "Here Comes the Bride" with "All Grown Up", just because the McMahons need to be reassured that they haven't been forgotten. Armando begins the ceremony, but by some unexplainable fault, a Titan Tron shows up across the church, and plays a video of Shelton Benjamin on the outside, claiming that no one will let him in, because he's black. Ron Simmons walks on by.
"DAMN!"
Shelton starts to vandalize the door, but Delirious shows up late in a green tuxedo. Shelton stops and looks at Delirious.
"Who the hell are you?" Shelton asks.
"SJNAEIFBEDFBEFJBHDEF IEFN IWEBFEIUFBE EFBEFIBAEFEBIFEFIPEBFEBFALSBF EDAS:DFE FEUFEFPEVFE EBFUEBFEIBFEIFBFAEFBEUIFBAEIFEI BVAWA BAH BAH BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Thank you, Delirious" echoes fallnangelspike from the front row.
Continuing on, the vows are interrupted by domluver, who has noticed that John Cena has arrived and is still wearing the camoflauge hat. Before she can make it over, she trips over the extended leg of isuxatlife18. andrewisgood takes thirty-seven minutes explaining how a leg trip causes someone to fall down, but backs it up by saying that the leg trip in the wedding of 1977 between his two cousins was funnier, for the fact that it was in response to the question of anyone objecting to the two being wed. stupify_me stands up and walks out, since his favorite part of the wedding has been interrupted, and if he can't have that part of it, he won't participate at all. As he leaves, everyone wonders who the hell invited him. And isuxatlife18 for that matter.
Armando asks if anyone objects to the wedding of me and my fiancee. Lita appears from the rafters, claiming that we got drunk and married in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I tell her that gay marriage is still illegal in Pennsylvania, and no matter how big her tits get, a marriage to a face like that could never be valid anywhere but Swahili and some parts of rural Russia. My fiancee decks Lita in her face, and suddenly her facial attributes are slightly improved. isuxatlife18 writes a post about how happy she is that Lita got hit. Armando is about to pronounce us husband and wife when Edge spears me off the top step. Shirley Doe makes his way in for the save, claiming to be the Rated "ARGH!" Superstar, complete with the eye-patch and wooden sword. In a heel vs. heel showdown, Shirley Doe remembers that we bought he and his stable beer, and clears house of Edge by throwing him through a plate-glass window. Sebastian Dark has seven Coronas and wonders why people are looking at him strangely for wearing a Cradle of Filth t-shirt at a wedding.
Armando commences our marriage, but not before HBK jumps over a pew and bounces off the stomach of pingsteal. The force of the impact causes the odor from pingsteal's unchanged shirt to release, and Brigaders and wrestlers alike join in throwing his ass through the Titan Tron out into the street, where Shelton Benjamin is still there trying to decipher if Delirious is speaking Lizard Ebonics. We leave, and have a very very very very very nice night... and dedicate it all to JBL.
But my wife said no.
Ron Simmons reappears.
"DAMN!"
I slowly realize this had absolutely nothing to do with anything. I'm just still pissed I wasn't even mentioned on mygreatesthour's KAF/WWE/IWC page. Commentators mean nothing anymore, I see. That's just fine! See if I call an unbiased main event between you and Morbs, you godless heathen of the internet community! You must learn, WWE will always prevail! These are the people who brought us HLA, Katie Vick, the Invasion, Jacqueline beating Chavo Guerrero, Isaac Yankem, and a Kevin Federline title run. Oh trust me, it will happen. We'll see you next time on the Report, and mygreatesthour, you watch yourself, biotch. By the power of Vincent Kennedy McMahon, I will find you.