Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2006 1:23:33 GMT -5
-Tonight, we're on the tail end of the greatest ECW Pay-Per-View since One Night Stand 2006. How will I rate this legendary spectacle among Vince McMahon's finest?
-Paul Heyman has been eliminated from the company. Word is she doesn't believe that Paul knows how to book a show. However, JBL may be offering him stock tips on his way to TNA.
-C.M. Punk is taken a few notches down on the threat to WWE. Will there be a new number one threat to us all tonight?
We'll be taking a look at the threats to us all, and then sitting down and conversing with a double-crosser. Look out Eddie Murray, there's a new switch-hitter in town. This is the KAF Report!
Hello again, Brigaders. It's wonderful to be back at home after I ventured out to appear as a guest for counting down your epic KAF vs. WWE Pay-Per-View. Now, however, the time has come to reinstate truthiness as the only law around these lands. But in order to know the law of the land, you've got to be safe, and in order to be safe, you have to know your threats. So ladies and gentlemen, this is the Threatdown!
Threat number five: Phantom Lord
Welcome to the Brigade, you traitor. Now I see why they brought you here. Oh, don't play innocent and pretend you didn't write that column thoroughly chastising the great Vincent Kennedy McMahon in my community and didn't think I'd notice. Mister, these waters are flooded with tyrants and bandwagonners. When I heard there would be another columnist around here, I thought it would be a good opportunity to reinstate some balance, but of course you had to be persuaded by the forbidden fruit, didn't you? December to Dismember was a masterpiece, an achievement, it was LEGENDARY, sir! Bobby Lashley is the greatest ECW champion since the Big Show, and I will not tolerate the non-acceptance of such an accomplished and storied wrestler finally getting his big break. Be careful, or you'll be put on notice.
Threat number four: Johnny Nitro
Johnny Nitro, don't think I haven't noticed you either. Walking around, putting on stellar matches with the last name of a former competitor! You're reminding these good WWE fans of the day when their ratings were actually challenged, and those young fans in their Cena shirts cannot handle that kind of anticipation! Change your last name back to what it was, any of the three or four you previously had, and remember who is paying your salary... No, I don't mean the fans, I mean Vince McMahon. Nitro almost made him sell one of his children to pay off some debts, and you think it's funny to recapture that time in history by using it as your name? No wonder they didn't want you representing the company anymore with that Intercontinental championship. Learn a lesson here, Brigaders! Treachery will get you nowhere!
Threat number three: Rob Van Dam
So Mr. (insert day of the week here) Night is counting down the days for his contract to expire? I do not believe that such a finely-tuned member of the ECW roster would do such a thing, but not because I trust his loyalty. In that cabana of his, he's probably reading the issue of Superman vs. Doomsday in a cloud of smoke created by some form of illegal herb, and my gut is telling me the only thing he's thinking about doing with his contract is eating it. Not to mention, in that state of mind, he can't count days, nor know which one it is, so back off insiders! But RVD, because you refuse to stand up and say "I'm a proud employee of Vince McMahon, and I will continue to appear under his management until I have a false hip and can no longer move", I believe you might be up to something. I'm watching you, and don't think Cheech Martin will escape without me noticing either.
Threat number two: CM Punk
That's right, you still haven't moved from your position, Punk. You may have gotten yours by being eliminated first on Sunday night, but how dare you stand in a WWE ring and let those fans cheer you above D-Generation X and the Hardyz? You just stood there with a smile on your face and ate it up, didn't you? No wonder these Brigaders are so hard to keep in line, Punk. Look at what you're doing to the landscape of professional wrestling here? If you keep this up, they might allow Claudio Castagnoli to main event a Pay-Per-View sometime in 2007, and unless Henry Winkler is accompanying him to the ring, that would be disasterous.
And the number one threat
Those godless killing machines are still prowling around, and no one intends to do anything about it. In Chicago, they're even calling them division champions. What kind of message does that send, America? A bear could be President if we keep this kind of mindset up! They need to be stopped, and if I find any of my picnic baskets missing, there's going to be hell to pay, you hear me?! I DID MY BEST!
moonprism: And that's the Threatdown. Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to welcome the fourth guest to enter the Lion's Den and sit across from me for the fourth of now-seventy-something series I like to call "Better Know a Brigader." Please welcome spanky!
spanky: I'm glad to be here!
moonprism: Now Spanky, it has come to my attention that you've become a MOD over at the preservation of Vince's LiveJournal Legacy. Would you like to let the Brigaders know how you've managed to spread Vince's Gospel since your appointment to the honorable position?
spanky: Oh man, I forgot I was a MOD over there. I should really take advantage of that. What's the point of having power if you can't abuse it? ... Notice how I avoided answering your question directly? That's my way.
moonprism: It sounds to be like you're well on your way to becoming a lobbyist for these traitors when they end up in court, and I don't mean as justices. There is no skirting the issue on this show, Spanky, so I expect your next answer to be a good one. These loyal religious WWE viewers deserve a tribute show that is almost as awesome as the Carlito/Viscera match on RAW tonight. So, I have to know... ECW: December to Dismember... Great ECW Pay-Per-View... or Greatest ECW Pay-Per-View?
spanky: I can say, without a doubt in my mind, that it was indeed the greatest ECW PPV they've had all month. Maybe even the greatest since ECW debuted on SciFi.
moonprism: That's the positive attitude I like to hear around here, mister! Do you think that fine masterpiece of Pay-Per-View achievement will affect the ratings in any way tomorrow night?
spanky: I'm sorry to say that it will only affect it in a negative way. I understand that many WWECW fans killed themselves when CM Punk was eliminated, so that's likely to put a dent in their numbers.
moonprism: Fortunately for Vince McMahon, that will only be thinning out the numbers. With that out of the way, we'll get to look forward to the match of a decade when Bobby Lashley and the Big Show engage for the ECW championship tomorrow night, and that my friend will be a treat for the loyal ECW viewers who didn't want that indy invader taking over their show!
spanky: You may be right. I can't honestly say whether or not Lashley has the goods. He's got an amateur background, and he's a hoss. Brock Lesnar has similar attributes. If memory serves, Brock pulled almost decent matches out of Show. Maybe Lashley can do the same?
moonprism: The arena will explode with anticipation before the match even begins, my friend. Now, I believe we'll take our first letter for this evening, and it reads...
Dear Mr. Moonprism(POWER),
I'm a fan of the show, but there is one thing that I've been wondering....yet, can't quite figure out.
Is JR REALLY a total Hardyz mark?
Your fan,
Zack Z
spanky: I think he is. JR feeds us the company line a lot, but it's easy to see through all of that and I can tell that he enjoys the action. While Jeff is pretty crappy on his own, as a team, those guys are exciting. JR acknowledges that, and rightly so.
moonprism: Hey now, Spanky, I won't have you insulting such a technically-advanced and talented superstar such as Jeff Hardy by referring to him as crappy. Jeff Hardy is the Intercontinental champion, the same championship held by greats such as Jeff Jarrett, Jacqueline, the Godfather, and D'Lo Brown. We don't need to get the European championship up in here to reaffirm my point, because I believe Mr. Hardy won that one as well, so crappy sir, he is NOT!
spanky: Well, D'Lo was bitchin. So I guess I stand corrected.
moonprism: I heard he defeated Jay Leno in a bobblehead impersonation contest. Talk about sweeps shows!
spanky: Michael J. Fox could take 'em both.
moonprism: I think using a car to go back in time to fix the results would be an immediate disqualification.
spanky: Only if we found out.
moonprism: Well, I see you're obviously in favor of cheating and fixing results! I suppose you support steroid use as well?
spanky: I wouldn't go that far, but let me turn the tables and ask you this: What would the Powers of Pain have been without steroids? Sometimes steroids are a necessary evil.
moonprism: This just in: MOD of the WWE Community supports athletes dying before they're 45. I don't know about you, but I certainly do not approve of enhancements of any kind, and there has been no illegal substance abuse in WWE that hasn't been treated with the proper ramifications and removed!
spanky: If by "proper ramifications" you mean "Pushed to the moon, and given 8,000 Wrestlemania main events in a row", then I completely agree.
moonprism: So you agree that steroid users should headline the next 7,978 Wrestlemanias?
spanky: No, I'd rather they didn't.
moonprism: Say what you will, but you can't deny the facts. You agreed that a proper ramification for steroid use is to headline the next 8,000 Wrestlemanias, so you fans can determine what is fact and what is fiction for yourselves. Now, we're taking the next letter.
Dear KAF Report,
While I was watching December To Dismember last night, I couldn't help but notice that the show ended 38 minutes early. People were charged 40 dollars for a full 3 hour spectacular, how could WWE do this to their loyal fans?!
By the way, I watched that pregame show for the KAF PPV that you and mygreatesthour did. Sure does seem like one of you knows a little bit more than the other. Dose of truth huh?
Sincerely,
Unbookable Guest
spanky: If you bought December to Dismember, you deserved to get ripped off. The way the show was promoted was poor to say the least. I think everyone who paid for the show should be charged an additional $40 for being so stupid. But that might begin to sound like a tax on the retarded, and I don't advocate that. I guess. A one time tax maybe. I just want them to learn a lesson.
moonprism: Skirting the issue yet again, I see. Unbookable Guest, the answer to your question is simple. The show wnded 38 minutes early because if they had gone the whole three hours, you wouldn't have known what to do with yourself. You couldn't have handled the awesomeness that Pay-Per-View would've been if they'd gone the entire time, but much like the Angle/Joe match, they cut it short just because they know you'd become overanxious and likely suffer cardiac arrest, and we don't need any more frivilous lawsuits, especially when being graced with such a great value for your forty dollars.
spanky: I thought they cut it short so Fat Joe wouldn't suffer cardiac arrest?
moonprism: Don't be ridiculous, Samoa Joe is not even on ECW. ECW has... vampires... zombies... Test... Samoa Joe would be way out of his league on that show.
spanky: Is it weird that he's called Test, when he's so clearly on steroids?
moonprism: Latest headline: Spanky Wants Test to Die like Nikkie Wants to Kill Aurora Rose. I didn't realize this KAF Brigade was such a hostile place towards children and innocent human beings. Let's take the next letter before you get yourself in deeper, mister!
Dear Prism and Spanky,
With Paul Heyman gone, how long do you think WWE will hold on to the ECW brand?
Your faithful fan,
Trin
spanky: I thought SciFi was happy with the ratings? Doesn't it draw better than their Star Whosits and and Ghost Chase Adventures? If WWE can continue to cash in on it, it will be around for quite a while. I don't think Heyman was essential to the current incarnation of ECW anyway.
moonprism: Neither do I. Stephanie McMahon clearly knows what's best for ECW, just like she knew what was best for Smackdown in 2002. The Push of the A-Train, one of my fondest wrestling memories. Paul Heyman is clearly useless, and will probably be picked up by some other half-rate indy fed. Maybe sometime we'll see him appear on television again, but only to be crushed under the foot of McMahon righteously yet again.
spanky: That may happen. Vince works best under pressure.
moonprism: We're running out of time here, and we've got time for one more letter. Let's see what we've got.
Dear Spanky,
How does it feel to be the mod of wwe and a member of KAF as well?
Mike Knox is made of gold and win,
Nikkie
spanky: I'll level with you. I only took on the role as a WWE mod and KAF member so I'd have something in common with Carrie. It's easier to get in a hottie's pants when you can relate to them in some way.
moonprism: And they put you in charge of a community representing Vince McMahon? Vince would never exploit sex or women in such a manner!
spanky: Well, he's just a better person than I am. I'm big enough to admit that I'd like to scare up some KAF tail.
moonprism: And just think, as a MOD over in WWE, you just may be able to seduct IT to your dungeon. Blackmail her by saying that you'll ban Matt Hardy posts if she tries to escape.
spanky: I draw the line at sexually ambiguous obsessive Matt Hardy fans. Besides, I have a hottie wife to fall back on. No need to lure anyone to my dungeon.
moonprism: And that's the way the cookie crumbles indeed, Spanky. Any final words before we close the seventh edition of the Report?
spanky: Yes. I'd really appreciate it if the rest of you KAF members would quit trolling the WWE community. The baiting is obnoxious and uncalled for, and we need to begin the healing process.
moonprism: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Heel MOD turns to Morbius for guidance. We'll be back for a very special edition for the six month anniversary of the Kirt Angle Fans Brigade on December 15th, and this will be a big one! mygreatesthour will be the guest! Don't miss it, this has been the KAF Report!
-Paul Heyman has been eliminated from the company. Word is she doesn't believe that Paul knows how to book a show. However, JBL may be offering him stock tips on his way to TNA.
-C.M. Punk is taken a few notches down on the threat to WWE. Will there be a new number one threat to us all tonight?
We'll be taking a look at the threats to us all, and then sitting down and conversing with a double-crosser. Look out Eddie Murray, there's a new switch-hitter in town. This is the KAF Report!
Hello again, Brigaders. It's wonderful to be back at home after I ventured out to appear as a guest for counting down your epic KAF vs. WWE Pay-Per-View. Now, however, the time has come to reinstate truthiness as the only law around these lands. But in order to know the law of the land, you've got to be safe, and in order to be safe, you have to know your threats. So ladies and gentlemen, this is the Threatdown!
Threat number five: Phantom Lord
Welcome to the Brigade, you traitor. Now I see why they brought you here. Oh, don't play innocent and pretend you didn't write that column thoroughly chastising the great Vincent Kennedy McMahon in my community and didn't think I'd notice. Mister, these waters are flooded with tyrants and bandwagonners. When I heard there would be another columnist around here, I thought it would be a good opportunity to reinstate some balance, but of course you had to be persuaded by the forbidden fruit, didn't you? December to Dismember was a masterpiece, an achievement, it was LEGENDARY, sir! Bobby Lashley is the greatest ECW champion since the Big Show, and I will not tolerate the non-acceptance of such an accomplished and storied wrestler finally getting his big break. Be careful, or you'll be put on notice.
Threat number four: Johnny Nitro
Johnny Nitro, don't think I haven't noticed you either. Walking around, putting on stellar matches with the last name of a former competitor! You're reminding these good WWE fans of the day when their ratings were actually challenged, and those young fans in their Cena shirts cannot handle that kind of anticipation! Change your last name back to what it was, any of the three or four you previously had, and remember who is paying your salary... No, I don't mean the fans, I mean Vince McMahon. Nitro almost made him sell one of his children to pay off some debts, and you think it's funny to recapture that time in history by using it as your name? No wonder they didn't want you representing the company anymore with that Intercontinental championship. Learn a lesson here, Brigaders! Treachery will get you nowhere!
Threat number three: Rob Van Dam
So Mr. (insert day of the week here) Night is counting down the days for his contract to expire? I do not believe that such a finely-tuned member of the ECW roster would do such a thing, but not because I trust his loyalty. In that cabana of his, he's probably reading the issue of Superman vs. Doomsday in a cloud of smoke created by some form of illegal herb, and my gut is telling me the only thing he's thinking about doing with his contract is eating it. Not to mention, in that state of mind, he can't count days, nor know which one it is, so back off insiders! But RVD, because you refuse to stand up and say "I'm a proud employee of Vince McMahon, and I will continue to appear under his management until I have a false hip and can no longer move", I believe you might be up to something. I'm watching you, and don't think Cheech Martin will escape without me noticing either.
Threat number two: CM Punk
That's right, you still haven't moved from your position, Punk. You may have gotten yours by being eliminated first on Sunday night, but how dare you stand in a WWE ring and let those fans cheer you above D-Generation X and the Hardyz? You just stood there with a smile on your face and ate it up, didn't you? No wonder these Brigaders are so hard to keep in line, Punk. Look at what you're doing to the landscape of professional wrestling here? If you keep this up, they might allow Claudio Castagnoli to main event a Pay-Per-View sometime in 2007, and unless Henry Winkler is accompanying him to the ring, that would be disasterous.
And the number one threat
Those godless killing machines are still prowling around, and no one intends to do anything about it. In Chicago, they're even calling them division champions. What kind of message does that send, America? A bear could be President if we keep this kind of mindset up! They need to be stopped, and if I find any of my picnic baskets missing, there's going to be hell to pay, you hear me?! I DID MY BEST!
moonprism: And that's the Threatdown. Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to welcome the fourth guest to enter the Lion's Den and sit across from me for the fourth of now-seventy-something series I like to call "Better Know a Brigader." Please welcome spanky!
spanky: I'm glad to be here!
moonprism: Now Spanky, it has come to my attention that you've become a MOD over at the preservation of Vince's LiveJournal Legacy. Would you like to let the Brigaders know how you've managed to spread Vince's Gospel since your appointment to the honorable position?
spanky: Oh man, I forgot I was a MOD over there. I should really take advantage of that. What's the point of having power if you can't abuse it? ... Notice how I avoided answering your question directly? That's my way.
moonprism: It sounds to be like you're well on your way to becoming a lobbyist for these traitors when they end up in court, and I don't mean as justices. There is no skirting the issue on this show, Spanky, so I expect your next answer to be a good one. These loyal religious WWE viewers deserve a tribute show that is almost as awesome as the Carlito/Viscera match on RAW tonight. So, I have to know... ECW: December to Dismember... Great ECW Pay-Per-View... or Greatest ECW Pay-Per-View?
spanky: I can say, without a doubt in my mind, that it was indeed the greatest ECW PPV they've had all month. Maybe even the greatest since ECW debuted on SciFi.
moonprism: That's the positive attitude I like to hear around here, mister! Do you think that fine masterpiece of Pay-Per-View achievement will affect the ratings in any way tomorrow night?
spanky: I'm sorry to say that it will only affect it in a negative way. I understand that many WWECW fans killed themselves when CM Punk was eliminated, so that's likely to put a dent in their numbers.
moonprism: Fortunately for Vince McMahon, that will only be thinning out the numbers. With that out of the way, we'll get to look forward to the match of a decade when Bobby Lashley and the Big Show engage for the ECW championship tomorrow night, and that my friend will be a treat for the loyal ECW viewers who didn't want that indy invader taking over their show!
spanky: You may be right. I can't honestly say whether or not Lashley has the goods. He's got an amateur background, and he's a hoss. Brock Lesnar has similar attributes. If memory serves, Brock pulled almost decent matches out of Show. Maybe Lashley can do the same?
moonprism: The arena will explode with anticipation before the match even begins, my friend. Now, I believe we'll take our first letter for this evening, and it reads...
Dear Mr. Moonprism(POWER),
I'm a fan of the show, but there is one thing that I've been wondering....yet, can't quite figure out.
Is JR REALLY a total Hardyz mark?
Your fan,
Zack Z
spanky: I think he is. JR feeds us the company line a lot, but it's easy to see through all of that and I can tell that he enjoys the action. While Jeff is pretty crappy on his own, as a team, those guys are exciting. JR acknowledges that, and rightly so.
moonprism: Hey now, Spanky, I won't have you insulting such a technically-advanced and talented superstar such as Jeff Hardy by referring to him as crappy. Jeff Hardy is the Intercontinental champion, the same championship held by greats such as Jeff Jarrett, Jacqueline, the Godfather, and D'Lo Brown. We don't need to get the European championship up in here to reaffirm my point, because I believe Mr. Hardy won that one as well, so crappy sir, he is NOT!
spanky: Well, D'Lo was bitchin. So I guess I stand corrected.
moonprism: I heard he defeated Jay Leno in a bobblehead impersonation contest. Talk about sweeps shows!
spanky: Michael J. Fox could take 'em both.
moonprism: I think using a car to go back in time to fix the results would be an immediate disqualification.
spanky: Only if we found out.
moonprism: Well, I see you're obviously in favor of cheating and fixing results! I suppose you support steroid use as well?
spanky: I wouldn't go that far, but let me turn the tables and ask you this: What would the Powers of Pain have been without steroids? Sometimes steroids are a necessary evil.
moonprism: This just in: MOD of the WWE Community supports athletes dying before they're 45. I don't know about you, but I certainly do not approve of enhancements of any kind, and there has been no illegal substance abuse in WWE that hasn't been treated with the proper ramifications and removed!
spanky: If by "proper ramifications" you mean "Pushed to the moon, and given 8,000 Wrestlemania main events in a row", then I completely agree.
moonprism: So you agree that steroid users should headline the next 7,978 Wrestlemanias?
spanky: No, I'd rather they didn't.
moonprism: Say what you will, but you can't deny the facts. You agreed that a proper ramification for steroid use is to headline the next 8,000 Wrestlemanias, so you fans can determine what is fact and what is fiction for yourselves. Now, we're taking the next letter.
Dear KAF Report,
While I was watching December To Dismember last night, I couldn't help but notice that the show ended 38 minutes early. People were charged 40 dollars for a full 3 hour spectacular, how could WWE do this to their loyal fans?!
By the way, I watched that pregame show for the KAF PPV that you and mygreatesthour did. Sure does seem like one of you knows a little bit more than the other. Dose of truth huh?
Sincerely,
Unbookable Guest
spanky: If you bought December to Dismember, you deserved to get ripped off. The way the show was promoted was poor to say the least. I think everyone who paid for the show should be charged an additional $40 for being so stupid. But that might begin to sound like a tax on the retarded, and I don't advocate that. I guess. A one time tax maybe. I just want them to learn a lesson.
moonprism: Skirting the issue yet again, I see. Unbookable Guest, the answer to your question is simple. The show wnded 38 minutes early because if they had gone the whole three hours, you wouldn't have known what to do with yourself. You couldn't have handled the awesomeness that Pay-Per-View would've been if they'd gone the entire time, but much like the Angle/Joe match, they cut it short just because they know you'd become overanxious and likely suffer cardiac arrest, and we don't need any more frivilous lawsuits, especially when being graced with such a great value for your forty dollars.
spanky: I thought they cut it short so Fat Joe wouldn't suffer cardiac arrest?
moonprism: Don't be ridiculous, Samoa Joe is not even on ECW. ECW has... vampires... zombies... Test... Samoa Joe would be way out of his league on that show.
spanky: Is it weird that he's called Test, when he's so clearly on steroids?
moonprism: Latest headline: Spanky Wants Test to Die like Nikkie Wants to Kill Aurora Rose. I didn't realize this KAF Brigade was such a hostile place towards children and innocent human beings. Let's take the next letter before you get yourself in deeper, mister!
Dear Prism and Spanky,
With Paul Heyman gone, how long do you think WWE will hold on to the ECW brand?
Your faithful fan,
Trin
spanky: I thought SciFi was happy with the ratings? Doesn't it draw better than their Star Whosits and and Ghost Chase Adventures? If WWE can continue to cash in on it, it will be around for quite a while. I don't think Heyman was essential to the current incarnation of ECW anyway.
moonprism: Neither do I. Stephanie McMahon clearly knows what's best for ECW, just like she knew what was best for Smackdown in 2002. The Push of the A-Train, one of my fondest wrestling memories. Paul Heyman is clearly useless, and will probably be picked up by some other half-rate indy fed. Maybe sometime we'll see him appear on television again, but only to be crushed under the foot of McMahon righteously yet again.
spanky: That may happen. Vince works best under pressure.
moonprism: We're running out of time here, and we've got time for one more letter. Let's see what we've got.
Dear Spanky,
How does it feel to be the mod of wwe and a member of KAF as well?
Mike Knox is made of gold and win,
Nikkie
spanky: I'll level with you. I only took on the role as a WWE mod and KAF member so I'd have something in common with Carrie. It's easier to get in a hottie's pants when you can relate to them in some way.
moonprism: And they put you in charge of a community representing Vince McMahon? Vince would never exploit sex or women in such a manner!
spanky: Well, he's just a better person than I am. I'm big enough to admit that I'd like to scare up some KAF tail.
moonprism: And just think, as a MOD over in WWE, you just may be able to seduct IT to your dungeon. Blackmail her by saying that you'll ban Matt Hardy posts if she tries to escape.
spanky: I draw the line at sexually ambiguous obsessive Matt Hardy fans. Besides, I have a hottie wife to fall back on. No need to lure anyone to my dungeon.
moonprism: And that's the way the cookie crumbles indeed, Spanky. Any final words before we close the seventh edition of the Report?
spanky: Yes. I'd really appreciate it if the rest of you KAF members would quit trolling the WWE community. The baiting is obnoxious and uncalled for, and we need to begin the healing process.
moonprism: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Heel MOD turns to Morbius for guidance. We'll be back for a very special edition for the six month anniversary of the Kirt Angle Fans Brigade on December 15th, and this will be a big one! mygreatesthour will be the guest! Don't miss it, this has been the KAF Report!