Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2006 0:56:38 GMT -5
-Tonight, absolutely nothing interesting in wrestling has happened in at least 17 hours. Are they preparing us for the eventual re-signing of Rikiski Phatu?
-Christmas Eve celebrates the celebration of the day before any celebration. So... let's celebrate before we celebrate, bitches.
-<lj user="mygreatesthour"> has passed the test and will no longer be dead to me. Next on the list... Batalien.
The clock just struck midnight, so you bet I'm feeling jolly. Hell, if I could stuff a pillow down my shirt and still fit down a chimney, I'd probably be dropping in on your living room and stealing your DVD collection right now. I'd leave the ROH DVDs though, no sense in stealing anything viewed by traitors. This is the KAF Report!
Happy Yule tide Brigaders, or whatever is the flavor of the minute holiday greeting with you people. This is an extra special edition of the KAF Report, but then again, every edition is an extra special edition. Last time was the six month anniversary, this week the two-thousandth something anniversary of the tale that spawned the Martin Scorsese film "The Last Temptation of Christ." Where would we be if that movie had never been made?
I'll tell you where... We'd be in the same place we are now. Last week, I showed you that the "true" story of Vince Papale was ripped off of the Rey Mysterio rise to the championship... This week, it's personal.
Yes, Mel Gibson, I'm calling you out. This film that you claim is the story of our lord and savior is nothing more than a rip off of the real Holy one, Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Don't worry, baby birds, I'll feed you on this. So there's this guy named Jesus (Shawn Michaels), and he's pretty popular, but he started hanging around with the wrong crowd (The Kliq). I mean, these people would literally kiss his feet for just walking in the door (giving him creative control). For getting in with the wrong crowd and getting too big of a head, another group revolted and sentenced him to his death (Wrestlemania XIV, losing to Austin, DX is taken from him). He's dead for three days (retired for four years), but at the very end, he comes back once again (re-appears in a wrestling role in 2002), and rises to heaven in victory (defeats Triple H at Summerslam 2002). Mel, we understand you were trying to make a true-to-earth inspiring tale here, and I'm glad you made a ton of money off of it, but couldn't you make it a little less obvious that you're borrowing from the story of Shawn Michaels here? Don't believe me? Earlier this year, Vince was in a church and spit holy water like Triple H. That was his response to Jesus giving him props for such a great idea. Get with it, Hollywood. I'm gonna nail you everytime, but thankfully for you, it's not to a wooden cross.
Now, it's time for the KAF Report's end of the year awards. I know everyone is doing them, but let's face it; without a wrestling authority like myself to keep all you traitors informed of truthiness, you'd all be wandering in the TNA desert with your moonsaults and Canadian Destroyers. Thankfully, I'm the Moses to your Jewish slaves, and I'm bringing word of Masterlocks and STFU's. Tis the season to be jolly, and since you all forgot to send your gratitude on Thanksgiving, you can make it up at the end of the Report. I'm checking my list twice, and you better be damn sure I'll know who's been a Cena loyalist or a blackhearted indy scene mark. Moonprism's coming to town, so you better watch out, bitches.
Best Promoter of the Year - Vince McMahon
Total sweep here, ladies and gentlemen. The voting was more lopsided than the Heisman race, and by lopsided, I mean unanimous. Vince truly delivered the goods this year as always, and his most recent act of genius has been to have Johnny Ace hire models who don't know a damn thing about wrestling to come work for the company. That is a brilliant piece of business if I've ever seen one, because who needs women who can wrestle when you have women who can't even spell it? That way, they won't even understand the contract's they're signing, and the result is more high-rated, incredibly fiercely competed lingerie contests, baby! That's high-quality sports-entertainment, ladies and gentlemen, and you can all thank the God of wrestling himself, Vince McMahon, for that one.
Best Wrestler of the Year - John Cena
What, did you think I would say EDGE!!! Don't you know he's a bad guy? He thinks he brought the ratings with the live sex segment, but the only reason five million-plus tuned in for that was because they thought Cena would show up and make it a kinky three-way. The only way the ratings would've been higher is if the segment involved Jeff Hardy, and that would've made the 13-year-old girl demographic EXPLODE, I tell you! But just because John Cena wasn't in any of the ten best matches this year, and just because you can't tell any of his matches apart because they're all exactly the same... And just because his promos sound like they've been written by a combination of Kenan and Kel and Digital Playground... The fact is, he's still the champ... THE CHAMP IS HERE, and there's not a damn thing you unloyal scallywags can do.
Best Match of the Year - Chris Masters vs. Jerry Lawler
Let's face it, I never thought I'd see the day that Jerry Lawler would rise from the announce booth and take down such an incredibly accomplished and talented wrestler like Chris Masters. The crowd was so into this match that they literally passed out from the excitement, and that was taken by the KAF as zero crowd response, what a surprise. The drama, the excitement, and the technical wrestling that would put Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle at the Rumble in 2003 to shame, Jerry's riveting upset of the greatest wrestler to ever deflate his figure in such little time goes down as the top-notch match of 2006.
Best Event of the Year - Judgment Day '06
Followed of course in a close second, ECW December to Dismember, this climactic showdown of Smackdown's finest was highlighted by a match between the Great Khali and the Undertaker that was nothing short of greatness. The Great Khali and his wide variety of moves that left the fans in awe was able to take down the Deadman in a fast-paced, electrifying showdown that left everyone anticipating the next time the two would encounter. The only low point of this entire evening was a match between Finlay and Chris Benoit, because no one could ever possibly enjoy a match like that, and it only took away from the Pay-Per-View gold that was the rest of the card.
I'm sure you all have families to get to, so I'll keep this one short. It's been an absolute pleasure joining you on this 25th of December, and I'll be sure to drop by with my Christmas presents for you all... A collection of WWE DVDs slated to come out in 2007. These masterpieces include...
"The Best of the Masterlock Challenge"
"Stephanie McMahon's Greatest Promos"
"Charlie Haas and Viscera Uncut"
"Mark Henry's 57 Greatest Matches"
"Batista's Best Title Matches"
"John Cena Fans Speak Out"
"JBL Defends the Holocaust"
And, my personal favorite...
"Everything You Know, You Learned From Vince McMahon".
Merry Christmas, folks, and as always, watch out for bears.
-Christmas Eve celebrates the celebration of the day before any celebration. So... let's celebrate before we celebrate, bitches.
-<lj user="mygreatesthour"> has passed the test and will no longer be dead to me. Next on the list... Batalien.
The clock just struck midnight, so you bet I'm feeling jolly. Hell, if I could stuff a pillow down my shirt and still fit down a chimney, I'd probably be dropping in on your living room and stealing your DVD collection right now. I'd leave the ROH DVDs though, no sense in stealing anything viewed by traitors. This is the KAF Report!
Happy Yule tide Brigaders, or whatever is the flavor of the minute holiday greeting with you people. This is an extra special edition of the KAF Report, but then again, every edition is an extra special edition. Last time was the six month anniversary, this week the two-thousandth something anniversary of the tale that spawned the Martin Scorsese film "The Last Temptation of Christ." Where would we be if that movie had never been made?
I'll tell you where... We'd be in the same place we are now. Last week, I showed you that the "true" story of Vince Papale was ripped off of the Rey Mysterio rise to the championship... This week, it's personal.
Yes, Mel Gibson, I'm calling you out. This film that you claim is the story of our lord and savior is nothing more than a rip off of the real Holy one, Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Don't worry, baby birds, I'll feed you on this. So there's this guy named Jesus (Shawn Michaels), and he's pretty popular, but he started hanging around with the wrong crowd (The Kliq). I mean, these people would literally kiss his feet for just walking in the door (giving him creative control). For getting in with the wrong crowd and getting too big of a head, another group revolted and sentenced him to his death (Wrestlemania XIV, losing to Austin, DX is taken from him). He's dead for three days (retired for four years), but at the very end, he comes back once again (re-appears in a wrestling role in 2002), and rises to heaven in victory (defeats Triple H at Summerslam 2002). Mel, we understand you were trying to make a true-to-earth inspiring tale here, and I'm glad you made a ton of money off of it, but couldn't you make it a little less obvious that you're borrowing from the story of Shawn Michaels here? Don't believe me? Earlier this year, Vince was in a church and spit holy water like Triple H. That was his response to Jesus giving him props for such a great idea. Get with it, Hollywood. I'm gonna nail you everytime, but thankfully for you, it's not to a wooden cross.
Now, it's time for the KAF Report's end of the year awards. I know everyone is doing them, but let's face it; without a wrestling authority like myself to keep all you traitors informed of truthiness, you'd all be wandering in the TNA desert with your moonsaults and Canadian Destroyers. Thankfully, I'm the Moses to your Jewish slaves, and I'm bringing word of Masterlocks and STFU's. Tis the season to be jolly, and since you all forgot to send your gratitude on Thanksgiving, you can make it up at the end of the Report. I'm checking my list twice, and you better be damn sure I'll know who's been a Cena loyalist or a blackhearted indy scene mark. Moonprism's coming to town, so you better watch out, bitches.
Best Promoter of the Year - Vince McMahon
Total sweep here, ladies and gentlemen. The voting was more lopsided than the Heisman race, and by lopsided, I mean unanimous. Vince truly delivered the goods this year as always, and his most recent act of genius has been to have Johnny Ace hire models who don't know a damn thing about wrestling to come work for the company. That is a brilliant piece of business if I've ever seen one, because who needs women who can wrestle when you have women who can't even spell it? That way, they won't even understand the contract's they're signing, and the result is more high-rated, incredibly fiercely competed lingerie contests, baby! That's high-quality sports-entertainment, ladies and gentlemen, and you can all thank the God of wrestling himself, Vince McMahon, for that one.
Best Wrestler of the Year - John Cena
What, did you think I would say EDGE!!! Don't you know he's a bad guy? He thinks he brought the ratings with the live sex segment, but the only reason five million-plus tuned in for that was because they thought Cena would show up and make it a kinky three-way. The only way the ratings would've been higher is if the segment involved Jeff Hardy, and that would've made the 13-year-old girl demographic EXPLODE, I tell you! But just because John Cena wasn't in any of the ten best matches this year, and just because you can't tell any of his matches apart because they're all exactly the same... And just because his promos sound like they've been written by a combination of Kenan and Kel and Digital Playground... The fact is, he's still the champ... THE CHAMP IS HERE, and there's not a damn thing you unloyal scallywags can do.
Best Match of the Year - Chris Masters vs. Jerry Lawler
Let's face it, I never thought I'd see the day that Jerry Lawler would rise from the announce booth and take down such an incredibly accomplished and talented wrestler like Chris Masters. The crowd was so into this match that they literally passed out from the excitement, and that was taken by the KAF as zero crowd response, what a surprise. The drama, the excitement, and the technical wrestling that would put Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle at the Rumble in 2003 to shame, Jerry's riveting upset of the greatest wrestler to ever deflate his figure in such little time goes down as the top-notch match of 2006.
Best Event of the Year - Judgment Day '06
Followed of course in a close second, ECW December to Dismember, this climactic showdown of Smackdown's finest was highlighted by a match between the Great Khali and the Undertaker that was nothing short of greatness. The Great Khali and his wide variety of moves that left the fans in awe was able to take down the Deadman in a fast-paced, electrifying showdown that left everyone anticipating the next time the two would encounter. The only low point of this entire evening was a match between Finlay and Chris Benoit, because no one could ever possibly enjoy a match like that, and it only took away from the Pay-Per-View gold that was the rest of the card.
I'm sure you all have families to get to, so I'll keep this one short. It's been an absolute pleasure joining you on this 25th of December, and I'll be sure to drop by with my Christmas presents for you all... A collection of WWE DVDs slated to come out in 2007. These masterpieces include...
"The Best of the Masterlock Challenge"
"Stephanie McMahon's Greatest Promos"
"Charlie Haas and Viscera Uncut"
"Mark Henry's 57 Greatest Matches"
"Batista's Best Title Matches"
"John Cena Fans Speak Out"
"JBL Defends the Holocaust"
And, my personal favorite...
"Everything You Know, You Learned From Vince McMahon".
Merry Christmas, folks, and as always, watch out for bears.