Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2007 17:40:46 GMT -5
TONIGHT!
-The KAF Report returns after a month of infiltrating the indy fed business and destroying them from the inside out! What return business do I bring! Can we smell the ratings?
-Speaking of ratings, Wrestlemania is around the corner. I'll tell you who to pick in your office pool!
-Hair vs. Hair is possibly the highest-rated hair vs. hair match in at least a year. What will the end result be? I would say your guess is as good as mine, but if that were the case, you'd be the one with a column!
This is the column that got Test back on steroids and informed the media of Kirt's prescriptions. After all, there has to be some excuse for those batshit crazy interviews! This is the KAF Report!
How's everybody doing today, Brigaders? I know it's been a good long time since I last graced you with my presences, and there are reasons for that, let me tell you. I've been fighting the good fight to rid the WWE of any competition, even though the WWE doesn't have any competition. Sorry ROH fans, go back to your DVDs. And TNA? Heh, what's that? Oh that's right, the old folk's home for WWE. You see, once you leave the greatness of Vince McMahon, there's just no regaining the glory of working under that empire. Was Rome as great when it became the Byzantine Empire? Were the Dodgers as great when they moved to Los Angeles? Did Christian win any world titles when he jumped ship to TNA?
Okay, so the last one was a bad example. The point is, this is Wrestlemania season, and certain people are abandoning ship at the most exciting time of the WWE year. I know how all you fans went crazy over December 2 Dismember, but you're going to have to suit up in the riot gear again. While I was only able to give that illustrious, high-rated Pay-Per-View an A- for effort, I assure you that this Wrestlemania contains more odds to be overcome than ever before! Bobby Lashley must overcome the odds against Umaga, whom they're now asking "who can stop Umaga?" I believe the answer is the other guy who loves to overcome the odds, Mr. Cena, even though against Umaga was the only time he's ever done it in history, I promise. He'll get a second chance though, when good guys collide in likely the main event.
But perhaps the biggest one to overcome the odds this year might be Batista, who will attempt to overcome fourteen years of odds to retain the title and snap a winning streak so amazing that even Joe DiMaggio would be impressed. But we're not here to talk about me, Brigaders. We're here to talk about you. I gave you the opportunity to ask yours truly anything you wanted to, and this time without one of you traitors here to condelude my show with your indy-show, aerial-move loving heretic behavior! Also, odds are good that I will get more than the standard three questions. Will I be able to handle the information overload? Just as well as I'll be able to handle four hours of Wrestlemania goodness; with a bunch of alcohol and three hundred screaming Hooters patrons. Life couldn't get better than that. Let's kick this!
Question number one
<lj user="mike_burritoman"> asks: Is Hair vs Hair to be our Wrestlemania main event?
You see, Burritoman, can I call you Burritoman? I didn't know if it would offend you or not, considering burritos are the food of those south of us, WHO ARE TAKIN' ALL ER JOBS!!!!! But we all know you're not an immigrant-loving traitor, so I'll simply reason that it's the love of gooey-delicious cheese that drove to you land such a name. But as for your question, if Hair vs. Hair is to be our main event, I couldn't think of a better way to cap off what is surely to be the greatest Wrestlemania in at least six or seven months. Maybe eight, but that might be pushing it, cause the McMahons always seem to outdo themselves with this sorta thing. I mean, let's face it... The crowd reaction for Vince and Donald Trump going at it verbally has been absolutely ecstatic, and we all know fans haven't the slightest doubts in their mind that Umaga is the greatest wrestler to never beat John Cena in the entire world... Soon to be challenged by Bobby Lashley, who, with all our sympathy, will surely be the Rocky Balboa of this matchup. Then, in the middle, will be Stone Cold Steve Austin, whose actions are always so incredibly unpredictable that it just adds another form of mystique to this technical classic. So, combining Rocky Balboa with Stone Cold Steve Austin in a true overcome the odds situation, I'd say unpredictability and star power rules all. Next question!
Question number two
<lj user="chotliwala"> asks: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Is this amount more or greater than how much wood Jack Bauer would chuck? And is the Raw Fan Nation weirder or scarier than the Raider Nation it is apparently based off of?
Now here you go, you indy fans trying to confuse the minds of the greatest factgime of wrestling to ever exist anywhere on this planet. Little word tricks are not going to mess me up, Sister, and you can take that to the bank! We all know a woodchuck does not chuck wood, he Chucks it. That's right, he gives it to Chuck Norris to make into two-by-fours, who thereby inhances it with his Chucky goodness and gives it to the Sandman, who in turns makes them into singapore canes. He also makes hefty donations to Mick Foley. In fact, slightly off topic, did you know that Chuck Norris taught Mick Foley the secret of the beard? Last time he did that, the guy got crucified and was called Lord. This is the sequel. Well, people do say "Foley is God", so it looks like it's heading the same direction. Anyway, getting back on track, the woodChuck would outdo Jack Bauer, because he'd do all the woodChucking he'd need in 23 hours and 45 minutes! Then we'd all have fifteen minutes to have a snack while we watch the DVD of the greatest moments of the RAW fan nation commercials. Those fans are just so enthusiastic and creative, especially when they suggested diva matches were even
better than any other kinds of matches. Let me tell you, Tori vs. Sable at Wrestlemania 15... Makes that whole year of 1999. Stone Cold Steve Who? So the answer to your question, or at least your third of three questions... Is the RAW fan Nation weirder or scarier than the Raider Nation? I submit... Yes.
Question number three
<lj user="jthmisaloser"> asks: What's that smell?!
Well Mr. IsaLoser, it's certainly nice to have your high self-esteem back on the show. The smell in question is your brain trying to compute the facts of WWE's unchallenged and prestigious wrestling greatness. It's just so incredible, the minds of the independent shows just can't help but take it in a little bit at a time. Otherwise, they'll overload. There's only five hours a week, hello! Any more than that would just be... well, I'm sure you can smell the ratings of a 24/7 cable channel. I submit that it would be a great idea! Hey Vince, you should look into that!
Question number four
<lj user="erekchee"> asks: What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
Whatever you were smoking when you created that icon of yours. Oh no wait, that would be an extension cord. Let's see, an owl implies that one would be wise... A bungee cord would be a reference to something dangerous, somewhat stupid, but overall EXTREMEZOMGZ! Therefore, someone who is smart and stupid at the same time, does a lot of things dangerous, and fits the mold of extreme would have to be Sabu... No wait, he's never smart... Jeff Hardy! No, wait... The paint-thinner set in a long time ago to remove said intelligence. He brings the ratings without even knowing he's doing it. Come on, who's left... Of course, I can't believe it didn't come to me immediately! Matt Stryker! He's so extreme for being on ECW, he's only stupid because he doesn't realize his own potential, and he is so much wiser than all of us, for he preaches to you fans every Tuesday night and makes you run to your dictionaries so you can decipher his level of greatness. Only a few hours later, after you were supposed to be doing real homework, can you truly appreciate it.
Question number five
<lj user="yhanos"> asks: who let the dogs out? kelly kelly should have been left on a leash
where can i find a copy of king bookers version of 'see no evil?' and is it as good as 'a few good black men' with ron killings?
also are you excited about the potential triple threat playboy bunny womens champion match between ashley, torrie and candice?
My, you people are certainly taking advantage of the time you were given. Let's see, that's four questions in a one question slot... Greedy, Mr. Yhanos. Please go check the seven deadly sins to figure out if that's on the list or not, for I cannot remember. Let's take it one at a time... The dogkeeper let the dogs out. Kelly Kelly never had a leash, that was Kinky Kelly. King Booker's version of "See No Evil" can be found in the 2 for 11$ bin at your local Wal-Mart, but only if you live in the southwestern corner of Louisiana State, and you have the patience to dig to the very bottom and click the DVD case, which has a recorded playback of "AND I GOT A SWORD TOO!" But then of course you get to the bottom and realize it's "Booker T and Goldust at the Movies", the 2002 version of that joke. Damn, guess the hunt is still on. And am I excited of or about the potential of a three way between women who've been in Playboy? You really have to ask? If you're asking me about being excited about that, I think you need to re-evaluate what questions you're asking to a guy you've never met on the computer... What else do you want? It's going to be the greatest match this side of JR and Stone Cold vs. Triple H and Chyna. Need I say more?
Question number six
<lj user="andrewrotten"> asks: Has Vince been so turned on by Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud that he HAS to have divas who happen to resemble Kelly himself?
How come it took so long for Henning and Lawler to make it into the Hall of Fame?
Well, at least that was only taking the liberty of multi-questioning once, so I'll let that one slide. Didn't I just mention Kinky Kelly a little bit ago? Monkeys, rewind!
Kelly Kelly never had a leash, that was Kinky Kelly.
Who are you to judge the poor girl? She's been putting on match of the year candidates like Test pumps up his ass with steroids... Or Chris Kanyon, whichever comes first... OOh, double entendre! And we were strolling down Haha Lane and we took a right on Topical! But as for asking why it took so long for Henning and Lawler to make it into the Hall of Fame... Listen to me, Mr. Rotten. The WWE Hall of Fame had to make room for Pete Rose and Refrigerator Perry before they could let someone who actually wrestled in there! What century are you living in? Does it not say World Wrestling ENTERTAINMENT on the banner! Those guys brought the ratings! Seriously, just because the guy was a stellar wrestler means he should've been in the Hall of Fame before entertainers... And Lawler? Well... He was great in "Man on the Moon", but he's no Jim Carrey... Speaking of that, that would be a great induction! Sure, he's had nothing to do with wrestling other than playing Andy Kauffman, but the celebrity guest would bring the ratings like <lj user="fallnangelspike" brings the commentary on Falsehood <lj user="moonprism"> on his silly video game. <lj user="nitro_mv"> got it right, I come out to "Mack the Knife", bitches. Get it straight.
Question number seven
<lj user="pussygoespurr"> asks: Why isn't Mike Knox featured more on ECW, except when creative wants to feed him to CM Punk, a man who is supposedly in the dog house? If he's in the dog house, why have Mike JOB to him?
I know not of this doghouse of which you speak. The only thing I know is CM Punk is an indy wrestler, and is therefore worthless to the rest of the roster of people that were trained in punches, kicks, and spinebusters. We don't need any of that decent wrestling around here! I'm set with the five moves of doom, and I'll put that up against the silly Go 2 Sleep or Anaconda Vice anyway. What kind of name is the Anaconda Vice anyway? Sounds like Ice Cube making a name combined of the movie he was in and the worst movie he ever saw... Anacondas, and Miami Vice... The 2006 version, of course. That means a wrestler has a move that is based on a rapper who based the name on two very bad movies... And you people think he's some kind of wrestling God. He's no JBL, and that's all I'll say. But to answer your question, Pussy, or Purr... Whichever you prefer... Mike Knox isn't featured on ECW only because the average fan cannot handle the level of gold and win he brings to the table. If he was featured regularly on television, people's brand new panels and flatscreens would burst into flames and spread pharamones like nobody's business... Is that what you really want to happen? Take him in small doses, or so I've heard as you do, in regular... But don't take it out on the rest of us by demanding him television time... We're just not ready for that yet.
Question number eight
<lj user="scott_parker"> asks: My question.
Why I have I not watched any WWe for 3 weeks now?
Because you lower-cased the e, you sick freak! It's in all capital letters for a reason, bitch! You haven't been watching it because your television will not allow someone to blasphemize the most important letter in the WWE alphabet and still view the incredibly awesome, highest-rated product ever! You have to earn that privlidge back, Mister! Stop trying to cover it by saying that you didn't want to; you know you were just DENIED like AJ Styles trying to join the WWE roster... Oh yes, I went there.
Question number nine
<lj user="cerulgalactus"> asks: "Could Umaga beat a bear?"
My friend Cerul, Umaga would righteously defend us against those godless killing machines whether they were after our picnic baskets, or looking to make a sequel to Grizzly Man. Umaga may come across as a stuttering psychopath, but he certainly wouldn't let any of his fans be succumbed to that kind of treatment. He would be triumphant over bears, and would scare them the whole way up to number five on the Threatdown. And that, my friends, is true... I know that saying from somewhere, but I can't think of who... Must've just been a whisper in the wind...
Next week, I examine the things I missed this week, if there are any... If not, well I guess you'll all just be more down than Jenna Jameson cranked on estrogen therapy. This has been the KAF Report!
-The KAF Report returns after a month of infiltrating the indy fed business and destroying them from the inside out! What return business do I bring! Can we smell the ratings?
-Speaking of ratings, Wrestlemania is around the corner. I'll tell you who to pick in your office pool!
-Hair vs. Hair is possibly the highest-rated hair vs. hair match in at least a year. What will the end result be? I would say your guess is as good as mine, but if that were the case, you'd be the one with a column!
This is the column that got Test back on steroids and informed the media of Kirt's prescriptions. After all, there has to be some excuse for those batshit crazy interviews! This is the KAF Report!
How's everybody doing today, Brigaders? I know it's been a good long time since I last graced you with my presences, and there are reasons for that, let me tell you. I've been fighting the good fight to rid the WWE of any competition, even though the WWE doesn't have any competition. Sorry ROH fans, go back to your DVDs. And TNA? Heh, what's that? Oh that's right, the old folk's home for WWE. You see, once you leave the greatness of Vince McMahon, there's just no regaining the glory of working under that empire. Was Rome as great when it became the Byzantine Empire? Were the Dodgers as great when they moved to Los Angeles? Did Christian win any world titles when he jumped ship to TNA?
Okay, so the last one was a bad example. The point is, this is Wrestlemania season, and certain people are abandoning ship at the most exciting time of the WWE year. I know how all you fans went crazy over December 2 Dismember, but you're going to have to suit up in the riot gear again. While I was only able to give that illustrious, high-rated Pay-Per-View an A- for effort, I assure you that this Wrestlemania contains more odds to be overcome than ever before! Bobby Lashley must overcome the odds against Umaga, whom they're now asking "who can stop Umaga?" I believe the answer is the other guy who loves to overcome the odds, Mr. Cena, even though against Umaga was the only time he's ever done it in history, I promise. He'll get a second chance though, when good guys collide in likely the main event.
But perhaps the biggest one to overcome the odds this year might be Batista, who will attempt to overcome fourteen years of odds to retain the title and snap a winning streak so amazing that even Joe DiMaggio would be impressed. But we're not here to talk about me, Brigaders. We're here to talk about you. I gave you the opportunity to ask yours truly anything you wanted to, and this time without one of you traitors here to condelude my show with your indy-show, aerial-move loving heretic behavior! Also, odds are good that I will get more than the standard three questions. Will I be able to handle the information overload? Just as well as I'll be able to handle four hours of Wrestlemania goodness; with a bunch of alcohol and three hundred screaming Hooters patrons. Life couldn't get better than that. Let's kick this!
Question number one
<lj user="mike_burritoman"> asks: Is Hair vs Hair to be our Wrestlemania main event?
You see, Burritoman, can I call you Burritoman? I didn't know if it would offend you or not, considering burritos are the food of those south of us, WHO ARE TAKIN' ALL ER JOBS!!!!! But we all know you're not an immigrant-loving traitor, so I'll simply reason that it's the love of gooey-delicious cheese that drove to you land such a name. But as for your question, if Hair vs. Hair is to be our main event, I couldn't think of a better way to cap off what is surely to be the greatest Wrestlemania in at least six or seven months. Maybe eight, but that might be pushing it, cause the McMahons always seem to outdo themselves with this sorta thing. I mean, let's face it... The crowd reaction for Vince and Donald Trump going at it verbally has been absolutely ecstatic, and we all know fans haven't the slightest doubts in their mind that Umaga is the greatest wrestler to never beat John Cena in the entire world... Soon to be challenged by Bobby Lashley, who, with all our sympathy, will surely be the Rocky Balboa of this matchup. Then, in the middle, will be Stone Cold Steve Austin, whose actions are always so incredibly unpredictable that it just adds another form of mystique to this technical classic. So, combining Rocky Balboa with Stone Cold Steve Austin in a true overcome the odds situation, I'd say unpredictability and star power rules all. Next question!
Question number two
<lj user="chotliwala"> asks: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Is this amount more or greater than how much wood Jack Bauer would chuck? And is the Raw Fan Nation weirder or scarier than the Raider Nation it is apparently based off of?
Now here you go, you indy fans trying to confuse the minds of the greatest factgime of wrestling to ever exist anywhere on this planet. Little word tricks are not going to mess me up, Sister, and you can take that to the bank! We all know a woodchuck does not chuck wood, he Chucks it. That's right, he gives it to Chuck Norris to make into two-by-fours, who thereby inhances it with his Chucky goodness and gives it to the Sandman, who in turns makes them into singapore canes. He also makes hefty donations to Mick Foley. In fact, slightly off topic, did you know that Chuck Norris taught Mick Foley the secret of the beard? Last time he did that, the guy got crucified and was called Lord. This is the sequel. Well, people do say "Foley is God", so it looks like it's heading the same direction. Anyway, getting back on track, the woodChuck would outdo Jack Bauer, because he'd do all the woodChucking he'd need in 23 hours and 45 minutes! Then we'd all have fifteen minutes to have a snack while we watch the DVD of the greatest moments of the RAW fan nation commercials. Those fans are just so enthusiastic and creative, especially when they suggested diva matches were even
better than any other kinds of matches. Let me tell you, Tori vs. Sable at Wrestlemania 15... Makes that whole year of 1999. Stone Cold Steve Who? So the answer to your question, or at least your third of three questions... Is the RAW fan Nation weirder or scarier than the Raider Nation? I submit... Yes.
Question number three
<lj user="jthmisaloser"> asks: What's that smell?!
Well Mr. IsaLoser, it's certainly nice to have your high self-esteem back on the show. The smell in question is your brain trying to compute the facts of WWE's unchallenged and prestigious wrestling greatness. It's just so incredible, the minds of the independent shows just can't help but take it in a little bit at a time. Otherwise, they'll overload. There's only five hours a week, hello! Any more than that would just be... well, I'm sure you can smell the ratings of a 24/7 cable channel. I submit that it would be a great idea! Hey Vince, you should look into that!
Question number four
<lj user="erekchee"> asks: What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
Whatever you were smoking when you created that icon of yours. Oh no wait, that would be an extension cord. Let's see, an owl implies that one would be wise... A bungee cord would be a reference to something dangerous, somewhat stupid, but overall EXTREMEZOMGZ! Therefore, someone who is smart and stupid at the same time, does a lot of things dangerous, and fits the mold of extreme would have to be Sabu... No wait, he's never smart... Jeff Hardy! No, wait... The paint-thinner set in a long time ago to remove said intelligence. He brings the ratings without even knowing he's doing it. Come on, who's left... Of course, I can't believe it didn't come to me immediately! Matt Stryker! He's so extreme for being on ECW, he's only stupid because he doesn't realize his own potential, and he is so much wiser than all of us, for he preaches to you fans every Tuesday night and makes you run to your dictionaries so you can decipher his level of greatness. Only a few hours later, after you were supposed to be doing real homework, can you truly appreciate it.
Question number five
<lj user="yhanos"> asks: who let the dogs out? kelly kelly should have been left on a leash
where can i find a copy of king bookers version of 'see no evil?' and is it as good as 'a few good black men' with ron killings?
also are you excited about the potential triple threat playboy bunny womens champion match between ashley, torrie and candice?
My, you people are certainly taking advantage of the time you were given. Let's see, that's four questions in a one question slot... Greedy, Mr. Yhanos. Please go check the seven deadly sins to figure out if that's on the list or not, for I cannot remember. Let's take it one at a time... The dogkeeper let the dogs out. Kelly Kelly never had a leash, that was Kinky Kelly. King Booker's version of "See No Evil" can be found in the 2 for 11$ bin at your local Wal-Mart, but only if you live in the southwestern corner of Louisiana State, and you have the patience to dig to the very bottom and click the DVD case, which has a recorded playback of "AND I GOT A SWORD TOO!" But then of course you get to the bottom and realize it's "Booker T and Goldust at the Movies", the 2002 version of that joke. Damn, guess the hunt is still on. And am I excited of or about the potential of a three way between women who've been in Playboy? You really have to ask? If you're asking me about being excited about that, I think you need to re-evaluate what questions you're asking to a guy you've never met on the computer... What else do you want? It's going to be the greatest match this side of JR and Stone Cold vs. Triple H and Chyna. Need I say more?
Question number six
<lj user="andrewrotten"> asks: Has Vince been so turned on by Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud that he HAS to have divas who happen to resemble Kelly himself?
How come it took so long for Henning and Lawler to make it into the Hall of Fame?
Well, at least that was only taking the liberty of multi-questioning once, so I'll let that one slide. Didn't I just mention Kinky Kelly a little bit ago? Monkeys, rewind!
Kelly Kelly never had a leash, that was Kinky Kelly.
Who are you to judge the poor girl? She's been putting on match of the year candidates like Test pumps up his ass with steroids... Or Chris Kanyon, whichever comes first... OOh, double entendre! And we were strolling down Haha Lane and we took a right on Topical! But as for asking why it took so long for Henning and Lawler to make it into the Hall of Fame... Listen to me, Mr. Rotten. The WWE Hall of Fame had to make room for Pete Rose and Refrigerator Perry before they could let someone who actually wrestled in there! What century are you living in? Does it not say World Wrestling ENTERTAINMENT on the banner! Those guys brought the ratings! Seriously, just because the guy was a stellar wrestler means he should've been in the Hall of Fame before entertainers... And Lawler? Well... He was great in "Man on the Moon", but he's no Jim Carrey... Speaking of that, that would be a great induction! Sure, he's had nothing to do with wrestling other than playing Andy Kauffman, but the celebrity guest would bring the ratings like <lj user="fallnangelspike" brings the commentary on Falsehood <lj user="moonprism"> on his silly video game. <lj user="nitro_mv"> got it right, I come out to "Mack the Knife", bitches. Get it straight.
Question number seven
<lj user="pussygoespurr"> asks: Why isn't Mike Knox featured more on ECW, except when creative wants to feed him to CM Punk, a man who is supposedly in the dog house? If he's in the dog house, why have Mike JOB to him?
I know not of this doghouse of which you speak. The only thing I know is CM Punk is an indy wrestler, and is therefore worthless to the rest of the roster of people that were trained in punches, kicks, and spinebusters. We don't need any of that decent wrestling around here! I'm set with the five moves of doom, and I'll put that up against the silly Go 2 Sleep or Anaconda Vice anyway. What kind of name is the Anaconda Vice anyway? Sounds like Ice Cube making a name combined of the movie he was in and the worst movie he ever saw... Anacondas, and Miami Vice... The 2006 version, of course. That means a wrestler has a move that is based on a rapper who based the name on two very bad movies... And you people think he's some kind of wrestling God. He's no JBL, and that's all I'll say. But to answer your question, Pussy, or Purr... Whichever you prefer... Mike Knox isn't featured on ECW only because the average fan cannot handle the level of gold and win he brings to the table. If he was featured regularly on television, people's brand new panels and flatscreens would burst into flames and spread pharamones like nobody's business... Is that what you really want to happen? Take him in small doses, or so I've heard as you do, in regular... But don't take it out on the rest of us by demanding him television time... We're just not ready for that yet.
Question number eight
<lj user="scott_parker"> asks: My question.
Why I have I not watched any WWe for 3 weeks now?
Because you lower-cased the e, you sick freak! It's in all capital letters for a reason, bitch! You haven't been watching it because your television will not allow someone to blasphemize the most important letter in the WWE alphabet and still view the incredibly awesome, highest-rated product ever! You have to earn that privlidge back, Mister! Stop trying to cover it by saying that you didn't want to; you know you were just DENIED like AJ Styles trying to join the WWE roster... Oh yes, I went there.
Question number nine
<lj user="cerulgalactus"> asks: "Could Umaga beat a bear?"
My friend Cerul, Umaga would righteously defend us against those godless killing machines whether they were after our picnic baskets, or looking to make a sequel to Grizzly Man. Umaga may come across as a stuttering psychopath, but he certainly wouldn't let any of his fans be succumbed to that kind of treatment. He would be triumphant over bears, and would scare them the whole way up to number five on the Threatdown. And that, my friends, is true... I know that saying from somewhere, but I can't think of who... Must've just been a whisper in the wind...
Next week, I examine the things I missed this week, if there are any... If not, well I guess you'll all just be more down than Jenna Jameson cranked on estrogen therapy. This has been the KAF Report!