Post by Lantlas on Mar 27, 2006 1:46:26 GMT -5
::CUE VOICEOVER::
Voiceover- It's eight o'clock in Los Angeles, it's nine o'clock in Denver, it's ten o'clock in Chicago...
Trent McCain- In Charleston, it's 6:42!
::The scene opens, showing Devon Drake in a business suit with a stack of papers in front of her.::
Devon- It's time for the eleven o'clock report, and here are the headlines. Three shriners were killed in a whoopie-cushion explosion earlier this evening. The Spencers' representatives were unavailable for comment due to the extremely high content of laughter and excess carbon monoxide in the air.
::The camera angle changes.::
Devon- A man was arrested for killing his mother, father, wife, two children, seven siblings, and all of his pets. He claims he was just cleaning his gun when it suddenly went off!
::Back to the original camera angle.::
Devon- Scientists in Switzerland today have announced that saliva causes stomach cancer. They say however there is no reason to worry, because it's only when swallowed in small doses over a long period of time.
::A PCW backdrop falls behind Devon.::
Devon- And now, of course, we're here with the theme of the week. It seems that there's been quite a disturbance in PCW over the last few months, as a previously unknown group of talented superstars have shown up and, to put it lightly, have made quite an impact.
::HHW's logo shows up in the corner of the screen.::
Devon- Knowing only that these superstars were signed from a place called HHW, they've taken the PCW by storm. Most notable of all, without question, has been the strange and eccentric Lantlas, who has posted an undefeated record and even claimed a victory over PCW Champion Ace Anderson at the most recent Trauma event. Lantlas's match this week might be against "Mr. Showtime" Mikey Wright, but it appears that this war with Ace Anderson is long from being over.
::A closer angle with the HHW logo almost right next to the PCW banner is shown.::
Devon- More names have shown up in this war, despite not even being affiliated with the company. Several of these individuals are with us tonight, and here to file a report on the self-proclaimed "Greatness in the Flesh" is none other than the founder and longtime owner of HHW, Mr. Al Laiman.
::A live-via-satellite image of Al Laiman from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is shown. None of PCW has ever seen this man, although they've heard of him through the various superstars who've signed with PCW. Al Laiman is a tall and dark figure, long black hair almost shadowing his dark eyes.::
Devon- Mr. Laiman, so happy you could join us tonight!
LAIMAN: Happy to help out any of my former employees.
Devon- It appears that, despite never meeting you, one Ace Anderson has made the judgment that you are, and I quote, another dickhead sitting around waiting to get his ass handed to him on a shiny platter by none other than Greatness in the Flesh, Ace Anderson. What is your response to this quite verbose judgment?
LAIMAN: This greatness in the flesh does have a lot of words for me, considering he just got his ass kicked by a former employee of mine.
Devon- Ace seems to think very low of you and your organization. What are your thoughts on this?
LAIMAN: Okay, look Ace, I know you think you're something special, given that you have that nice world championship and a few wins under your belt. That cute little "Greatness in the Flesh" nickname is good too. I liked it the first time I heard it twelve years ago from some half-wit named Jack as well. You're nothing original, and nothing I've never seen before. Yet, despite your overwhelming normalcy, you see it fit to trash the organization I created, and the superstars who've come in and actually given people something to talk about, other than "Ace Anderson is talking again? Man, I gotta take a leak." You want to talk some trash on someone you've never met, that's just fine with me. Just keep in mind, you monotonous arrogant dickhead, I caught last week's episode of Trauma, and I saw the elf beat the holy hell out of you, in a non-title match nonetheless. For all the shit you talk, this supposed "real" talent of PCW has done nothing to match Lantlas. Before you go throwing your credentials down, trying to unsuccessfully convince me that you're something other than a loser with a lot of free time, keep this in mind. You couldn't defeat Lantlas, a former champion of HHW. I WAS HHW. I have a resume that would make your brain bleed, because you're not used to having to read for more than thirty seconds. I've been a champion all over the world, and from what I hear of your winning streaks compared to my former talent as of late, it leaves something to be desired. Match two-hundred-and-thirty-seven straight successful world title defenses, and maybe I'll be impressed. So considering you were soundly defeated by a superstar that used to WORK FOR ME, the only thing great about your flesh after I'd be done with you is if there'd be some left not covered in blood. In the meantime, hang on to that belt while you still can. If you can't defeat the Elven one in a non-title match, I doubt you'll even survive with the title on the line. The truth is a virus, Ace. Don't think I wouldn't come to PCW just to make you eat your own words.
::The full-frame returns to Devon Drake.::
Devon- And coming from one who competed in HHW myself, I have to say to Ace Anderson, on behalf of myself and all of us who competed for the last seven years in that place, GO FUCK YOURSELF!
::Devon straightens her blouse, and changes back into the non-partisan news anchor.::
Devon- This just in, a doctor in Germany has discovered the cure for apathy. However, he claims no one has shown the slightest bit of interest in it.
::The background changes to an unfamiliar logo.::
Devon- Our next feature this evening is a special report from a former HHW namesake, Trent McCain. And when I say special report, I do mean special report.
::The scene shows Trent McCain is wandering around in the background. He looks up, and brings a finger to his mouth.::
Trent- They're coming, musn't wake them.
Devon- Wake whom, exactly?
Trent- The crab people...
Devon- Crab people?
Trent- Taste like crab, talk like people.
::Suddenly, Neo Anderson appears out of nowhere.::
Neo- Hey Trent, the crab people are coming!
::Trent runs off in a panic. Neo turns to the screen.::
Neo- And while Trent is out with the Jew flu, I'm here to happily take the place of the paranoid retard. That's right, ME! The one with the second-highest winning percentage in HHW history, and in case Ace didn't get the memo, I AM GREATNESS IN THE FLESH, BITCH! And later in the night, Ace went on to say "blah blah blah, I'm a dirty tramp..." Then, after getting his ass thoroughly kicked by my former tag team partner, he had this to say... "ARGH! ACE ANDERSON ANGRY! ACE ANDERSON SMA.... OW! OWWWIEEEEE! I NEED ICE! I NEED ICEMANN TO GET ME ICE! OWWWIIEEEEE!
::Trent runs back in the room.::
Trent- And he smelled like old diapers too!
Neo- Thank you for that irrelevant, yet obvious observation, Trent. And until we next meet, this is Neo Anderson reminding you to eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark.
::The screen shows Devon with an amused, albeit confused look on her face.::
Devon- Well there's five minutes I'll never get back. We'll be right back after this commercial break.
The commercial shows former HHW champion Vin Halsted in an Italian Restaurant.
Halsted- Only you can prevent Desperate Housewives from outdoing the Sopranos in the ratings.
Voiceover- Paid for by the friends and supporters of the "Fahgetaboutit! Bomb!"
Devon- We're back. Sometimes when a PCW-related story falls through the cracks, our own Lantlas will be there to catch it for a section we call "Back in Blue".
::Cue the music, and Lantlas is sitting behind the desk in his blue suit.::
Lantlas- Reality. If you're like me, you spend every waking second trying to escape it. When the bullshit isn't flowing like the Mississippi River, and the champions of PCW aren't intentionally exposing themselves as the Class-A retards they really are, I'm happy to report I've found the most effective method yet of distracting myself from the most blatant employee favoritism since Adelphia; video games.
::The screen becomes the video game.::
Lantlas- This is PCW: TRAUMA. The roster includes earlier members of the 2006 roster, including Johnny Vivacious, Bison, LoKi, and many other former favorites. The interesting part of this game is while half of the roster has higher talent points than Ace Anderson, somehow there's a gamelock on the PCW championship that takes a cheat code to break. Luckily for me, I have more insider information than Martha Stewart, and I'm not afraid to use it just to bring the little bit of reality into this game, and drop Ace Anderson back to fighting Blade Lionheart for the Lowest-IQ-Wins title for the rest of the year. Instead, the debut of the match against Lantlas served a purpose, preparing the PCW participants for what they had in store... OR NOT! As you can see here in the Elimination Chamber, for instance, Ace Anderson is thoroughly beaten, yet somehow manages to escape with his title? How is this possible? Let's take a look.
::On the screen, Lantlas is pinning Ace Anderson, and the title belt appears out of nowhere to break the fall by cracking itself over Lantlas's head.::
Lantlas- That's interesting. Isn't the cage supposed to be locked? Not if you're Ace's title. YOUR METAL BARS CANNOT DEFEAT ME! So as much fun as reliving the best and worst simultaneous time in PCW history, I'm happy to report the newest X-Box game has come out... PCW: LETHAL LOTTERY. The rating points in this game rival the Madden 2006 ratings of the teams. The newest of superstars are updated to their fullest potential, and you'll be happy to notice that thanks to communication from yours truly, Ace Anderson has been placed where? Exactly where he belongs: ON THE FUCKING INJURED RESERVE LIST! Now this is what I call reality, so you can tell the Anderson-designed original Mayhem TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES! NEO!
::Neo Anderson randomly appears out of nowhere.::
Neo- Thanks Lanty... And now for no reason whatsoever, a greased-up deaf guy!
::A greased-up deaf guy runs across the screen.::
Greased-Up Deaf Guy- Don't judge me, I'm just being who I am!
Neo- Thank you for that irrelevant nudity, and we now return you to your original programming!
::Devon is seen, shaking her head profusely.::
Devon- I should've stayed in Romania...
::All the background images disappear.::
Devon- And now for the feature presenation of the evening, we bring you "The Fjord of the Rings", brought to you by Lantlas and Friends' Particular Fondess of Using Parodies to Parody Parodies.
::The altered image comes on the screen in widescreen format, the way movies were meant to be seen.::
"THE FJORD OF THE RINGS"
Starring such former HHW superstars as...
Sara Storm, Neo Anderson, Kri Delastano, Lantlas, Seth Sinn, and Joey Cranston.
Saragorn- Are you frightened?
Krido- Yes.
Saragorn- Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.
Krido- What do you want?
Saragorn- A little more caution from you. That is no trinket you carry.
Krido- I carry nothing.
Saragorn- Indeed. I can avoid being seen entirely, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift.
::Enter Gandalf the Cranston.::
Gandalf the Cranston- They are one, the ring and the Dark Fjord of Anderson. He must never find it.
Krido- All right. We'll put it away. We'll keep it hidden, we'll never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they?
::The scene changes, as the Fellowship of the Fjord of the Rings is now together. However, the scene cuts to Elrondsinn and Gandalf the Cranston.::
Elrondsinn- His strength returns.
Gandalf the Cranston- That wound will never fully heal. He will carry the burden of the Showtime the rest of his life.
Elrondsinn- And yet, to have come so far, still bearing the Ring, the Indian has shown extraordinary resilience to its evil.
Gandalf the Cranston- It is a burden he should never have had to bear. We can ask no more of Krido. He's taken two Spotlights, but he keeps coming back for more. For all we know, he truly knows that Krido is the ringbearer, and if this happens, he will come full force in order to regain this chance at the title. He will discover that Lantolas is the one who truly holds the power and the shot at the title, and he will bring the Dark Lord Anderson with him.
Elrondsinn- Gandalf the Cranston, the enemy is moving. Anderson’s forces are massing in the east, his eye is fixed on us, and Showtime, you tell me, has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin. The Fellowship of the Fjords consists of those underrated by many, but we know that Showtime and Anderson have proven themselves to be truly evil time and time again. They will come, they will take the ring and the title, and leave no survivors behind.
Gandalf the Cranston- His treachery runs deeper than you know. By foul craft, Showtime has crossed championships with non-title victories. He's breeding an record in the caverns of the Whatthefuckdidhejustsay. An record that can have great notations and victories, even if meaningless in time. Showtime is coming for the Ring, to ruin Lantolas’s quest for the title.
Elrondsinn- This evil cannot be concealed by the power of the Elves. We do not have the strength to withstand both Showtime and Anderson. Gandalf the Cranston, the title cannot stay here. This evil belongs to all of PCW. They must decide now how to end it. The time of the Elves is over, but Lantolas is staying behind for the burden of titleholder keeps him here. Who will you look to when we've gone? The Dwarves? They toil away in caverns, seeking riches. They care nothing for the troubles of others, and they're never in the title race.
Gandalf the Cranston- It is in Krido that we must place our hope.
Elrondsinn- Krido? Krido is weak. The Blood of Trauma is all but spent, its pride and dignity forgotten. It is because of Krido that Showtime survives. I was there, Gandalf the Cranston. I was there three weeks ago. I was there the day the strength of Krido failed. I led Krido deep into the fjords of Anderson, the one place it could be destroyed. Krido failed and kept the Ring, bringing light to the fact that Lantolas may aspire to have the title. It should have ended that day, but evil was allowed to endure. There's no strength left in the world of HHW. They're scattered, divided, leaderless.
Gandalf the Cranston- There is one who could unite them. One who could reclaim the throne of the greatest of them all.
Elrondsinn- He turned from that path a long time ago. He has chosen exile.
::The scene changes.::
Lantolas- The world is changed... I feel it in the water... I feel it in the earth... I smell it in the air... Much that once was, is lost... For none now live, who remember it... It began with the forging of the Great Title. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all wrestlers. Seven to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine were gifted to the race of men, who, above all else, desire power. But they were, all of them, deceived, for another Title was made. In the land of Anderson, in the fjords of Showtime, the Dark Lord Anderson forged in secret a master Title, to control all others. And into this Title he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One Title to rule them all.
::The scene changes once more.::
Lantolas- I summon you to fulfill your oath, to prove once and for all that you are mere myths of the past and no threat to the future of PCW. Your fjords are dark and evil, but evil cannot long survive in the Elven Path. This title we will hold, the title that will be won, is more powerful than any title created in your Fjords, Anderson! Neither you, nor Showtime, nor the two of you put together, will be able to take it from me.
Lantolas- Dark Lord Anderson, your words arrogant and your spirit high, but inside the evil that runs through your veins must be quenched. Much of your past boils in the pain felt so many moons ago, and this title, it tempts you. You feel the power it draws to you as it called out, since you held it for so long such a time ago. It calls to you in the darkness of night, begging to be returned to the master of such power and darkness. But Dark Lord Anderson, the power has grown since you last held it. The power of blue, the light of the Evenstar Elven Path, it factors out all that is dark and evil and provides strength and nourishment to those who can withstand its former evil. Yet, I know the stronger of you two isn't in the figurehead of evil.
Lantolas- Saruman Showtime, I know what lies beneath the trickery and deceit which you try to pass off as undeniable talent. Your evil encompasses even that which you deem to be your friend. More powerful than he is, you are easily the bigger threat to the Elven power that will hold the title, but alas, you are no match for the deserving bearer of the title. Do you think I became the bearer of such a burden overnight? Forsooth, Dark Lord, I know you yearn to be quenched with power just as Anderson does. My strength matches the both of you at once, and I will not fall to such underlying, cheating evil. Bring every dark power you hold, for I will not drop this chance at the title to you.
::Change of scene again::
Lantolas- The power of the enemy is growing. Dark Lord Anderson will use his puppet Showtime to destroy the people of PCW. The Greatness in the Flesh has been unleashed. The Eye of Anderson now turns to the challenger, the last free contender of PCW. His war on this contender will come swiftly. He senses the contender is close. The strength is failing. In his heart, Krido begins to understand. In the gathering dark, the will of the title grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the hands of evil. Evildoers, who are so easily seduced by its power. The young captain of the PCW has but to extend his hand, take the opportunity for his own and the world will fall. It is close now, so close to achieving its goal. For Anderson will have dominion over all life on this federation, even unto the ending of the world. The time of the elves is over. Do we leave PCW to its fate? Do we let them stand alone?
::Enter Neo the Dwarf and Saragorn.::
Neo the Dwarf- It's true you don't see many dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for dwarf men. And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no dwarf women, and that dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground! Which is, of course, ridiculous.
Saragorn- Of course it is.
Neo the Dwarf- I mean, who would resist the... Oh, wait. I'm a damn dwarf. I look like I got an axe to the face as a child and woke up with a Kane mask on for eight years.
Saragorn- Hey, my character supposedly doesn't take baths.
Neo the Dwarf- But you smell so nice.
Saragorn- Neo, we're in character! I'm a guy, remember?
Neo the Dwarf- After the show?
Saragorn- Sure.
Gandalf the Cranston- ::sigh:: Dwarfs.
::Cut to Anthony Douglas::
Anthony- I don't know why you're here. I'm not even in this movie.
::The original score plays once more, highlighting different clips from the scenes just shown, until just the gold letters appear on the screen, and Lantlas walks out, still in full costume.::
Lantolas- Any more creative jokes about Lord of the Rings, guys? Come on, let's hear it. I know I just stole your entire year's worth of ammunition. Isn't that a shame, cause I still have so much left on you. Showtime, I don’t know if you just confused me with Kri, or you have some serious issues, but regardless, I will not fall to one such as you. Perhaps in your ridiculous fantasies, there is wisdom however. Lagacablowme or whomever it was warned you to take me seriously, for an evil burdens within...
Lantolas- An evil far greater than any mere human wrestler can comprehend.
Lantolas- One that will consume you, destroy you, and be the end of any run you think you have managed to strive for in this place.
Lantolas- None, not even the great Anderson himself, can match such power.
Lantolas- Showtime, the Elven Path will be the end of you.
Lantolas- No mere mortal can survive a ride on the Elvish Tale.
Lantolas- Even Ace Anderson, despite his claims that the wins I have were all against Tony Brass and the Byrd, thus forgetting mine against Johnny Vivacious, and that other guy... You know, the highly-rated one... The one he's so fond of... Oh yeah, Ace himself! Ace claims I'm overrated, and if this overrated one defeated him, what does that say about Ace? An overrated wrestler from HHW can come in and defeat their champion, then the champion must be in levels of subpar that only Blade and the Byrd know about.
Lantolas- A dark place where only jealously and bitterness grow.
Lantolas- No matter their resistance, Showtime and Anderson will fall.
Lantolas- And a new legion will thus control the PCW championship!
::The scene ends, and the image comes back of Devon Drake.::
Devon- Fuckers, I wanted to be in the movie.
::A quick flash of Devon dressed as an elf plays behind her.::
Devon- Well come on, show the whole scene!
Voiceover- That was the whole scene.
Devon- Stupid Elven bastard...
::Devon waits a few seconds, then shifts back into news anchor character.::
Devon- Thank you for joining us for a PCW Daily Newsbreak. Now stay tuned for "Let's Injure Dave!" And don't forget tomorrow, the premiere of PCWTV's newest show "Double Trouble", the story of Siamese twins joined at the lips, and the merry mix-ups that occur when one has root canal work and one gets married the same day. Goodnight all.
::The ridiculous scene finally ends.::