Post by Lantlas on Mar 31, 2006 1:53:21 GMT -5
::The scene opens with a familiar set. Some cheesy newsroom music plays, and once again, Devon Drake is seen sitting in the news anchor chair.::
Voiceover- It's eight o'clock in Los Angeles, it's nine o'clock in Denver, it's ten o'clock in Chicago...
Trent McCain- In Charleston, the big hand is higher than the little hand!
::The lights come on in the background.::
Devon- It's time for the eleven o'clock report, but before we do so, here's a word from our sponsors, Bic Razor Blades.
::Lantlas is seen, dressed in a ridiculous costume of hip-hugger jeans, a t-shirt that's too small that has the name "ANTHONY DOUGLAS" duct-taped to it, black-eyeliner, and his hair covering one eye. He's typing into his computer, and suddenly a message appears on the screen.::
"THIS JUST IN FROM THOSE HHW WRESTLERS WHO ACTUALLY HAD TALENT... YOU SUCK!
::Lantdouglas stirs up a fake cry, and starts frantically searching for something.::
Voiceover- Hey emo kid!
::Lantdouglas looks up to the sky::
Voiceover- Life kicking your ass because you suck at it?
::Lantdouglas nods, and something drops into Lantdouglas's hands.::
Voiceover- If you're going to be an emo kid, you better do it right. Use Bic Razors to slice whatever part of your anatomy necessary to get the pity you desire!
::Lantdouglas puts on the cheesiest smile ever.::
Lantdouglas- Wow, maybe now someone will actually acknowledge my existence! Thanks, Bic Razors!
::The scene returns to the newsroom. Devon shakes the papers in front of her.::
Devon- And now for the headlines. Doctors in Florida today are treating a 107-year-old woman who is pregnant. They say because of her advanced age, she will have a grown-up.
::Angle change.::
Devon- A man is suing his local hospital because he claims he went in for a vasectomy and was castrated instead! When asked how such a mix-up could occur, the doctor said, "well, it all started out as a joke! We weren't really gonna castrate him, but he got really pissy so we offed his balls!" The man remained philosophical about the situation, and said "well, it's just that much less to wash!"
::Return to original camera angle.::
Devon- Tragedy struck the parade today, as an open manhole claimed the lives of twelve-hundred marchers one at a time.
::Back to the second angle::
Devon- A dog exploded on a busy downtown street corner. No one was injured, however seven people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that fifty-to-sixty fleas also lost their lives in the blast.
::Original angle.::
Devon- And now, we go live to our friends from HHW, Neo Anderson and Geno. Reportedly, PCW and former HHW superstar Anthony Douglas has had quite a few words for all the former HHW alumni, and Neo and Geno are the self-proclaimed experts of the world and everything. Neo! Geno!
::The camera, reading "PRE-RECORDED VIA FAKE SATELLITE" shows Neo Anderson's toothy grin covering the entire screen.::
Neo- Ladies and gentlemen of PCW... Testicles. That is all.
::Neo steps away from the camera and returns to his combination of Clue, Connect Four, and Monopoly, called Cluefourpoly. Geno is waiting impatiently.::
Neo- What are you all worried about? You're the one who made me wait because you needed to read the latest issue of Parade.
Geno- I did not! That was Entertainment Weekly!
Neo- It was Parade, don't you lie to me. Now, I believe the conclusion of the puzzle is Colonel Muster four black diagonal on St. James' Place with a hotel.
Geno- Sorry Neo, you lose. It was Professor Plum.
Neo- I said Plum!
Geno- No way, you said Muster!
Neo- How about a rousing game of Battleship?
Geno- Can I still read Parade?
Neo- NO YOU CANNOT STILL READ PARADE!
::Lantlas enters the room, and shakes his head.::
Lantlas- Did Neo guess Colonel Muster again?
Geno- Yes, and he won't let me read Parade either!
Lantlas- He shouldn't. In fact, he should smack you with an edition of the Sunday New York Times just for suggesting such a thing!
Geno- While you're at it, can you smack me with the latest clothing magazine from Hot Topic a few times after recording the Manson Family Christmas Special with Tevo seven hundred times and inject it all into my brain at once, so at some point, I can try to reason with things from Anthony Douglas's point of view?
Neo- Don't be a silly bitch, Geno. Douglas doesn't make enough money to buy Tevo.
Lantlas- Or shop at Hot Topic.
Geno- You're missing the point, guys!
Lantlas- Chill man, just ripping with you.
Neo- Good to see you're back to being yourself.
Lantlas- It really is quite humorous to watch that little rabid wolverine so incredibly pissed off.
Geno- Anthony Douglas?
Lantlas- No no, I'm not talking about Anthony Douglas. I'm facing that psychopath who's been running around, attacking people because they're better than he is, making threats that time has proven that he can't back up, and ripping off Al Laiman promos almost to the word from the graveyard, trying everything possible to make someone care that he's even talking.
::Both Neo and Geno stare at Lantlas for a few seconds.::
Lantlas- Fuckbeans, that's him isn't it?
GeNeo- Yep...
Lantlas- Oh wait, should I say that differently? After all, I probably should cut down on the language a bit.
Neo- Yeah, give that a shot big guy.
Lantlas- Oh, pussyfeathers.
Geno- Do cats have feathers?
::Devon Drake walks in the room.::
Neo- No, but speaking of pussyfeathers, I do smell tuna.
::Devon looks at Lantlas, who rolls his eyes and nods. Devon smacks the back of Neo's head so hard that it crashes into the Connect Four game. Devon tries to jump back out the door before Neo can do anything, but it's locked.::
Lantlas- Bad move.
Neo- YOU GOIN' NO-WHERE!
Lantlas- You tell her, Bonesaw.
Devon- Oh come on, he deserved that one!
Lantlas- Fair enough.
::Lantlas smacks Neo's head one more time.::
Neo- What the hell was that for?
Lantlas- In case she missed.
Geno- This card here says your soap opera name is your middle name and the street you live on...
Devon- Chances Doorstore.
Lantlas- R. Boiler Room.
Geno- Jonathan Cumberland.
Neo- Dude, your middle name is Randall.
Geno- Tony Randall, the Odd Couple!
Neo- If you wanna play the game, you gotta play by the rules.
Geno- Okay... Who is Tony Randall?
Neo- ::sighs:: Right, you win.
Geno- I always win.
::Devon finally stands up and stomps.::
Devon- Guys, we're wasting ive newstime here. You guys said you were experts on everything, so we need you to tell us about Anthony Douglas.
Geno- The cuddly-wuddly suicidal teddy bear?
Neo- Oh, we have a fond history with him.
Geno- We, as the possessors of the knowledge of everything, can fully state the fact that Anthony Douglas is nothing...
Neo- But a whiny little emo bitch!
Geno- And let the records show that I have defeated him in not one, but two different federations.
Lantlas- And the fact that these two decided to fuck with you in our match just doesn't deter from the fact that God hates you.
Geno- Can we stop talking about the emo kid before he goes back to the graveyard and gets all knife-happy?
Neo- I know, let's be trendy and re-inact the duel from the Empire Strikes Back!
Lantlas- That's not trendy. I'm leaving.
Devon- Me too.
::As Lantlas and Devon walk out the door, Geno and Neo duel with fake lightsabres. It gets to the part where Geno (Darth) cuts off Luke's (Neo's) hand. Neo hauls off and shoves Geno back.::
Geno- Dude, Luke doesn't push Vader!
Neo- Well he should've! I mean, the guy cut his hand off...
::The scene returns to the newsroom, where Devon is burying her face in her hands.::
Devon- I don't know them, I swear.
::She switches back into news anchor character.::
Devon- A man in Vietnam today achieved his lifelong dream after he finished building his Apache helicopter. He then accomplished his next lifelong dream; dying in a fiery helicopter crash.
::Second angle.::
Devon- A man who was shot nine times yesterday and refused treatment.... died today.
::Original angle::
Devon- A priest who has performed over 300 exorcisms was eaten today by a green boogeyman!
::Second angle.::
Devon- And now, we're going to our top reporter, Lantlas Anduril, who I believe has succeeded in getting a one-on-one interview with Anthony Douglas!
::Al Laiman suddenly comes running into the shot.::
Devon- Al, what are you doing here?
LAIMAN: Um, Lantlas overslept. So I did the interview with Anthony Douglas.
Devon- But you're not a reporter!
LAIMAN: And you're not a news-anchor!
Devon- My mom said I can be anything I want!
LAIMAN: Really? I didn't know "psycho bitch" was a paying profession!
::Devon tries her hardest not to laugh.::
Devon- Asshole...
LAIMAN: Yes.
::Laiman turns to face the camera.::
LAIMAN: Yes, in a move that was questioned only by Blade, who is the only one on Earth who actually believes anything this guy says, I was unfortunate enough to have the opportunity to talk to the man behind the man himself... or something like that.
::The screen shows Al Laiman in a suit that is inside out, a top hat, and ridiculous Clark Kent-esque glasses.::
LAIMAN: Good evening, Mr. Douglas. As you can see, I'm a master of disguise, so you'll be unable to know who's interviewing you.
::A clip from Anthony Douglas's, obviously rigged for the timing, plays in response.::
Douglas- Am I what people say I am?
LAIMAN: Interesting, starting out an interview with a question. But, since you asked, I'm sure I can tell you. You're iin a graveyard, talking about the past, looking at the moon, and wearing a black trench coat. No, you're not acting like me... er, Al Laiman, at all!
Douglas- My actions have defined me.
LAIMAN: Yes, you've succeeded in living up to being the Fall Out Boy groupie reject we all know you are. So, let me know, what do you think the rest of PCW thinks of you?
Douglas- Some of us should never have been born in the first place.
LAIMAN: And what happens when you have these realizations?
Douglas- ...pick up my .44 Desert Eagle and put it in my mouth.
LAIMAN: What do you think people would say about you if you went through with this?
Douglas- It was another wasted, crusted piece of sh*t that died.
LAIMAN: How in touch with reality you really are, Douglas! Now, next question... When you saw the love of your life Jason Willard at home with his wife and children, what did you want to say?
Douglas- This will never be over between us so long as I’m breathing air!
LAIMAN: How cute, Douggie's in love. And, just a style note, what exactly else would you be breathing other than air? Wait, nevermind, don't answer that... Now, let's try a word association game. In three words, describe yourself to the world.
Douglas- Tedious, and disgusting.
LAIMAN: Favorite hobby?
Douglas- Pound your ass.
LAIMAN: What you did last night with Jason Willard.
Douglas- Blow hard asshole
LAIMAN: Most favorite wrestler of all time!
Douglas- One! Al Laiman!
LAIMAN: Good boy, GOOD BOY! Here's a cookie.
::The scene returns to the newsroom, where Devon is staring at Laiman.::
Devon- A cookie?
LAIMAN: I'd give him a Slim Jim, but who knows where that would end up?
::Laiman leaves, and the shot returns to Devon.::
Devon- Ladies and gentlemen, when a PCW-related story falls through the cracks, our own Lantlas Anduril will be there to catch it, for a segment we call "Back in Blue.::
::Lantlas appears on screen in his usual 'Back in Blue' get-up.::
Lantlas- Are you like me? Have you ever told someone something once, but they keep coming back with the same, retarded, delusional SHIT?! I'm glad I'm not alone. You see, fine people of PCW, this parasite you've all been ignoring for the last couple of weeks named Anthony Douglas has known us longer than you have, so count yourself fortunate. Hey monkeys, roll that beautiful bean footage!
"You and Lantlas are afraid!
Lantlas- I didn't get that, play that last part.
"Lantlas are afraid!"
Lantlas- Who?
"Lantlas."
Lantlas- He's what?
"Afraid."
Lantlas- Okay listen, you deranged hypnotic fucktard, there's a difference between being afraid of you and ignoring you. You obviously cannot tell, so let me explain it to you. Someone who's afraid of you goes out of there way to stay out of contact with you for fear of what you might do to them and how you might hurt them. Ignoring you? Well, it's what I've been doing since you got here, for the same reason I did after I kicked your ass in HHW... I DON'T CARE! You don't get it, do you? You're just like Blade to me, I really don't give a damn about you, and you're not important enough for me to worry about! Just because you can't get over the fact that you could never beat me, let alone fulfill your sick fantasies by having me dead in front of you, cause God knows what you're doing in that graveyard, don't be bitter. Just accept the fact that Anthony Douglas doesn't belong in the same ring as the Elven warrior.
Lantlas- And oh yeah, weren't we being frighteningly original, Douglas? Give me a clip, monkeys!
"You will lose your championship belt. . .your one reason for living. Personally, I might have a harder time passing gas than beating you."
Lantlas- Not the one I was expecting. Thought you would play the one where he did the schtick about Dungeons and Dragons that only twelve-hundred other people have before... Jeez, check up on the jokes, Douglas. Johnny Vivacious did the exact same crap before I beat the shit out of him as well, and if you can find him anywhere but the Welfare office, I'll be impressed. Douglas, let's get something straight... this tag team championship is as worthless to me as trying to listen to one of your promos. The fact that I share it with some deadbeat loser doesn't make it any better. Unlike you, my life doesn't suck and I actually have reasons to live. People are actually willing to be in the same room with me. Whenever they see you coming, they know they'd rather kill themselves than have to listen to you talk all dramatic about what you're going to do to people...
Lantlas- Look kid, I know you think you're something special, especially if you think you stand any sort of chance against me, but face it... YOU LOST! Not only did you lose, but you lost to the people I've been beating the hell out of for the last couple years. You can't even beat the people I beat, what makes you think you have any shot in hell against me? So Neo and Geno couldn't stand listening to your shit anymore than I could, so they had a little fun with you. Cry me a river, dickface, and get the fuck over it. What is it with you and Blade not being able to accept that I beat the hell out of both of you? For all the time you spend bitching about each other, you guys actually have something in common... besides sucking worse than my ex at a frat party. I wasn't planning on just tearing into you for this segment, but you just make it SO FREAKING EASY. Monkeys, give me one more!
"Al Laiman can’t protect you now!"
::Lantlas starts to respond, then breaks down laughing.::
Lantlas- Anthony, for how much time you spend bitching about the past, you tend to forget some of the important details... Such as the fact that at the time of your debut, Al Laiman was working with YOU! Remember, he and I were against you? You were hired by him as a freaking hitman! How selective your memory is... So why would Al Laiman be protecting me? Why would I need protection? You're not even fighting me this week! Do what you will with Seth Sinn, see if I give a shit. But seriously, for the sake of all of us who have to hear your ear-piercing, nails-on-the-chalkboard voice everytime you're PMSing about the fact that I'm that much better than you, just SHUT THE FUCK UP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DEVON!
::The scene returns to the newsroom. Devon is hiding her laughter.::
Devon- I guess he hasn't had any Elven Dew today. Withdrawal is dangerous.
::A piece of paper is handed to Devon from a tech agent.::
Devon- It appears we've gone long, so until the next time we have enough free time and boredom, we bid you adieu. Stay tuned for "Let's Injure Dave".
::The scene ends.::