Post by Lantlas on Apr 11, 2006 0:04:49 GMT -5
What are you supposed to do when you give someone your heart, and they stomp on it? Once again, I find myself secluded deep in my own mind. My mind tries explaining to my heart that pain is a bitch, but it reminds you that you're alive. If only my heart could hear these words of superficial wisdom... I'm sure it would help if I actually had a heart left. Instead, I find it plastered on the wall with someone else's hunting trophies. I feel what should be pain, but I don't know what to make of it. I'm spiraling out of control into depths unknown. It's a frightful place that my mind only knows. What's the point of shouting? No one notices I'm here anyway. Hell, how do you explain to someone that you're so hurt that you can't feel it? I guess I'll move in my usual silence. Most don't bother to ask, so it makes it that much easier to supress.
The thunder echoes throughout the corners of my mind as rationality becomes an option of the past. Control seems to be a mirage, taunting me with all the possibilities that could stabilize my emotion and allow me to make sense of my current state. I find myself SILENCED, no longer knowing the remedy of a complete rendez-vous with Rock Bottom. My vocal chords strain to cry out in pain, but the only noise made is a woosh of muffled air, like squeezing out a party balloon until it collapses in itself. It's almost the work of a paradox that this riot of conflicting rambunctious feelings can survive without killing each other. My head goes into spin cycle, but my will is seemingly absent. I'm SILENCED, void of even a miracle's cure. What once was and can't be anymore combines its power with the unattainable to bring about utter chaos. The only way left to go is up; however, I find myself upside down, actually crawling deeper into the suction of oblivion. Welcome to my nightmare.
An aged flower drops its last petal to the ground and dies slowly but indefinitely. Your memory will never slip my mind, for it is too keen to be forgotten. A blade of grass craves for water, but turns brown in thirst like the rest of the meadow. A bird's feather tickles a young girl's neck, making it twinge, just like the bird hit by the baseball. And still I remain, with things dying, surrounding me in misery and happiness simultaneously. When the rising sun lightens the night, will the day lead me down the path of satisfaction, or will I groan in failure as the day ends and I haven't made a step forward? But still I remain, as a thunderstorm rips through my head, mixing it up more than a 44-ounce milkshake. Is the shake well-mixed or overdone? My philosophy is still drink the damn thing and forget the psychological propaganda like love forgets me....
And yet I remain. I remain through what I believed to be the most traumatic experience of my life, but it was a mirage. An image of the future conjured by my brain to protect me, but instead deceived me into believing that I'd not only been in love, but lost it on a rainy night. I believed my heart had been torn out, but really it had never been touched. What's worse, losing the love of your life, or thinking for so long that you actually had one but didn't? The one thing that was consistent in my life was Devon. That had to mean something, as she was the one that told me of this in the first place. In fact... a while back she was the one who told me she'd become friends with her. How exactly did that go?
...
Lantlas- Sorry, guess I blocked that out. What brought that up?
Devon- Something she said to me...
Lantlas- Wait, you've been talking to her?
Devon- Of course, Lantlas. We're friends, you know.
::Lantlas's face is visibly turning red.::
Lantlas- Would've figured your loyalty wouldn't still be so balanced after what happened.
Devon- I'm not one to choose sides on anything, you know that.
Lantlas- But wait, if you two are friends, why are you pissed about her?
Devon- Well, how much of the time with her have you blocked out?
Lantlas- The time with her? I remember every second.
Devon- Tell me about the starry night.
Lantlas- The Van Gogh piece?
Devon- No. She mentioned something about a night, so visibly clear that you could see for miles, not to mention all the stars.
Lantlas- Oh.
Devon- Tell me about it.
Lantlas- She'd never seen a shooting star. It was a night in early spring, and we were deep in the mountains of central Pennsylvania. We were driving off in the middle of nowhere like we always did, because it always seemed to spawn the conversations that meant the most. Somehow, the song "Slightly Out of Reach" caused a silence between us the entire length, and I looked into her eyes. At that moment, I swear we were infinite. As fate would have it, seconds later, a shooting star flashed over the valley in front of us. I'll never forget the look of amazement in her eyes...
Devon- Yikes.
Lantlas- What?
Devon- I didn't realize it was a putdown.
Lantlas- What do you mean?
Devon- She mentioned something about how the night she had put Starry Night to shame.
::The red returns to Lantlas's face.::
Devon- I can't believe she would say that.
::Lantlas's fists clench, and he buries his face between them.::
Devon- Lantlas, calm down.
::Lantlas storms towards the door.::
Devon- Where are you going?
Lantlas- To find her! How could she disgrace such a moment?
Devon- Lantlas, stop!
...
This didn't make any sense. How could Devon have known about "Starry Night" if it only ever happened in my head, and how could Devon have known about all these things and been friends with her if I hadn't even met her yet? Something didn't seem right, and I needed to figure it out.
I sent Devon a message, and within a few moments, the door opened. Unsure of exactly what I would say, I watched as she came to the chair in front of my desk and propped her legs up. Something about her seemed different, which I could only assume was the Kieran attitude bringing a spring in her step.
"Devon," I began, "there's something I need to ask you."
"What's up?" she responded.
"You know how Kieran has explained to me that the whole thing with Terry was only my mind trying to prevent it from ever happening?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Something just seems a bit weird about it."
"What's that?"
"The fact that about a month ago, before Sinn knocked me out with a door, you brought up 'Starry Night' and made a remark about how you were still friends with her. How exactly does that work if she hadn't even entered my life yet."
I saw Devon's face go pale. She didn't have to say anything for me to know that she knew something. She stood up, and began to pace around a little bit, bringing her hand to her mouth, and starting to speak, but then stopping. I couldn't take trying to figure out what she was going to say. "Devon, I can tell from your reaction you know something. Please stop worrying about how to say it and just say it."
"Lantlas, I don't know how to say this without hurting you."
"I can't possibly be any more hurt than I already am, so just hit me with it."
"You seem to forget that Kieran is a part of me. Therefore, everything she knows, I do as well. I know all about what went on in your mind with Terry."
I wasn't really sure how that was supposed to hurt me, but then I realized she wasn't done.
"Neko and I were friends long before I knew you, Lantlas. Before you came into HHW, she and I had a friendship while she was being trained by Al Laiman."
"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "She was trained by Al Laiman?"
"She was his protoge, Lantlas."
"No wonder he responded in such a way when I brought it up to him."
Devon's look of fear changed to one of surprise. "You actually asked Al Laiman about Schizoid Neko? Are you out of your fucking mind?"
"Why? I know she turned on him and all, but what's the big deal?"
"Lantlas," she replied, "everything she was going to do to you, she did to him. They were involved, they were close, and she left with a bloody knife... twice. He was completely in love with her, and she turned on him at Laiman's biggest creation, HHW Mayhem, at HHW's biggest match, the Hardcore Hell. It holds a burden within him, among the many there already are."
I had no idea. When I think back to my quasi-memories, she seems so innocent and harmless, but it's unbelievable to realize she's been doing this to people before. "Okay, totally off track, but where were you going with that?"
"When I came to realize that Neko was the same girl as in your foreshadowings, that is when I turned on you."
Wait a second, she turned on me because of something that had never even happened?
"Don't get mad, Lantlas. You have to understand where I was coming from. I was a girl, in love, and the love of my life was having foreshadowings about wanting to marry another woman. The Kieran side of me came out, and I had no control. The thing is, when it started again, and when you started going to this place. When the foreshadowings became an everyday occurence, and you were reliving this pain, part of it I knew was because you still had feelings for me."
Of course I still had feelings for her. She was the only one who ever understood me and seemingly accepted me for who I am.
"I couldn't deal with that, Lantlas. You and I... we could never be anything more than friends."
"So, you fed my illusions and extended my pain because you didn't want me focusing on my feelings for you?"
"Yes," she reluctantly replied. "Lantlas, I don't know why I feel this way, but you've always been more of a brother to me than anything."
Of course, a brother! The sibling, that's what I was. That's what I seemingly always will be; the friend, the one they go to when the asshole they do date fucks up. The plutonic friend, oh how could I ever ask for a greater blessing? No wonder I feel like I'm gonna end up alone; I'm viewed as a big brother instead of...
"Lantlas, I know what you're thinking, stop it."
"Don't you tell me to stop it," I snapped.
"What's your problem?"
"My problem is, you just said what anyone else I've ever been interested in dating has basically said. I'm the person girls seem to want in their life, but not in their life, you know? I'm a sibling, a shoulder to cry on, a close friend they can call for advice when their boyfriend is acting like a typical male douchebag. That's all I've ever been, now that I know the one time I thought I was loved was nothing more than a falsehood. How am I supposed to feel?"
"I don't know," Devon replied as she looked down at the ground. "I guess you'll find the right one when it's time."
I couldn't take it anymore, and I walked out of the room, slamming the door behind me. No wonder I felt like I was always going to be alone... I am. My back slid against the wall, and I fell to the floor. I felt so pathetic, curling up against myself once again. I felt weak, helpless, not to mention stupid. And yet, I remain. Suddenly, my pocket began to vibrate, and I picked up my cell phone. It read that I had a new text message. I clicked the icon, and read the following.
"Hey, been thinking about you non-stop. Would like to meet up to go for a walk. You know, at our place. Be there soon. -Neko."
Our place. Wow, it felt so wonderful to see that. It seemed like there was something really special to it, and that cliff was so beautiful at sunset. Without even thinking about it in my state of mind, I left the arena and started walking towards the cliff. In what seemed like no time, I was standing by the ocean, looking at the vastness of beauty before me, and I felt a tapping on my shoulder. I turned, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I saw her there, exactly as I remembered. Red hair flowing in the wind, green eyes glowing with excitement.
"I'm so glad you came!"
"Yeah, I really needed to get away for awhile."
"What's wrong, sweetie?"
"Just..."
"Just what?"
"Having some trouble, that's all. Panging feeling in my gut that I'll always be alone."
I saw her cute little smile, and to my utter amazement, she grabbed my hand as we started to walk. Everything drifted away from my mind as she looked into my eyes one more time.
"I don't believe that."
I was falling in love with her all over again... for the first time.