Post by Lantlas on May 1, 2006 2:01:44 GMT -5
::The ticking of the clock is heard, and a darkened scene opens with Blake Smith in a business suit.::
Blake- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Blake Smith. I'm here with you this evening to bring you a NQSMBCE exclusive interview with the one simply known as "The Elven Warrior." So without further ado, allow me to introduce to you, Lantlas!
::The camera pans across to show Lantlas in his "Back in Blue" casual suit.::
Blake- Thank you for joining me here, Lantlas. It's always a pleasure, unless you're trying to kill me of course.
Lantlas- Don't worry, Blake. You're the last person on the list of people who need a serious beating right now.
Blake- First things first, your main-event match this week against two people you've faced before, Anthony Douglas and the American Nightmare. Being a triple threat match, you must feel like the odds are stacked against you in this contest, especially with Douglas's ambition to take you down once and for all.
Lantlas- It's funny you should say that. It's true, Anthony Douglas has had it out for me since the minute he got here. It's also true that I couldn't care less each time he opens his half-educated mouth and spews on about death warrants and the gates of hell. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Anthony Douglas constantly repeats himself or anything...
Blake- You're not?
Lantlas- Well, actually... I really don't know. Roll the video tape.
3.10.06 "Lantlas cost you a fight because his friends got involved!"
3.23.06 "Seth Sinn, Lantlas, Blade. . .all of you. This isn't over and it never will be over!"
3.24.06 "Lantlas, the suicidial elf, comes out and uses his friends to beat me!"
3.30.06 "Lantlas had a chance to take me out! He used his friends to beat me. Neo Anderson, Geno, his dead brother Neovan. . .don’t worry, Lantlas, you’re joining his ass soon!"
4.1.06 "Lantlas, ever since you came back to fighting after you ran like a little bitch with a skinned knee from your two little friends in the CUBAN HHW parade, you ain’t done nothing period!"
"You don’t have to worry, Lantlas. You don’t have to worry about trying to change your eye color to show a split personality, because that’s just as much crap as you being an elf!"
4.10.06 "just like Lantlas doesn't scare me with this "eye color changing, ficition fantasy realm, D & D Elven bullsh*t!"
4.13.06 "this will never be over between us so long as I'm breathing air! So, you bring your ass to Hostile Takeover, and I'll whip back to Rivendale, or Lothlorien or where stupid little men with too many D&D books like to make up fairy tale place."
4.17.06 "It isn't you she's holding! Just because you live in a fairy tale world of nymphs, sorcerors, fairies and make believe bullsh*t where "clouds are wishes" doesn't excuse for a second the fact that you can't handle real life, so you enter this Walter Mitty world of fantasy!"
::The video tape ends.::
Lantlas- That was only what I could stomach of going back and listening to the same crap with words in different order, so Anthony Douglas, if you're listening... STOP! You've been saying the exact same shit for over a month. Your life sucks, you wanna end it, here's your death warrant, I'm so much worse than you, C.U.B.A. helped me beat you, D&D bullshit this, wizardry that... But despite all your efforts to unsuccessfully make me care, I have to ask.... What's your record against me? Oooh, right! Zero wins! No no, but wait! There's always an excuse, isn't there? "Neo helped you, C.U.B.A. interfered, the American Nightmare got pinned!" Of course, a loss couldn't possibly be directly resulting from you sucking at life, could it? Then again, you do try to one-up everything by constantly repeating how bad your life sucks amidst the desperately overdone fantasy references. So truth be told, I'd tell you to stop coming out here and delivering the same message over and over again, but if you did that, all you would really have left is bitching about Blade, and how funny... Just as many people would care... NONE!
Blake- You do have to remember though, the American Nightmare does add the variable to the equation.
Lantlas- Yeah, and if I pin the American Nightmare, Anthony will bitch about how it's not over between us for the third time. If I pin Anthony, it'll be because he's distracted, or because someone at ringside had an elf sign, or because he saw the mirage of Neo Anderson taunting him with the HHW Intercontinental title, or he was too busy trying to think of how to paraphrase Final Fantasy VII as his next unsuccessful attempt to insult me. Nothing's ever your fault, is it Anthony? Since you can't accept that I've beaten you more than once without much effort, I'll make it really easy for you... I'll be sure to pin you in this match, and just because I know you hate your life so much, I'm gonna leave you breathing and able-bodied, just so you can continue to enrich our lives by reminding us that your picture is in the dictionary next to the word "REDUNDANT!"
Blake- Certainly seems as though you two get along...
Lantlas- The way I see it, I'm kind of like Christopher Columbus, as an elf of course. Anthony Douglas is kind of like the Middle East. Not one particular group, person, or thing... just the Middle East in general. The world title is Asia, where I need to go. The only known way through it is by going through Anthony Douglas... again. Even though it was "known" to the human world that the world was square, I, as Christopher Columbus proudly respond... "I WOULD RATHER SAIL OFF THE EDGE OF THE FUCKING WORLD THAN HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT PLACE AGAIN!" Oh, I'm sorry Anthony, is this a little different from what you're used to? You're not used to me actually coming out and talking to you, are you? I know I spend most of my time dealing with things that are actually relevant to my daily business, and I only occasionally mention you when an opportunity arises to make a joke about whiny little emo bitches. The problem is, hanging out with emo kids becomes appealing after listening to you, because at least they shut up and cry once in awhile. And therein Anthony, lies your greatest shortcoming. You talk. And you talk. And you talk some more. And then you go to other people who let you talk and you think anyone but people you know actually care. So you talk some more, and eventually you start talking longer, drawing out the same story over and over again, delving into your pathetic existence and enlightening us with your raging optimism... How you're a man with no emotions who gets pissed off at me everytime you speak. As I said once before, for a guy with no emotions, you're one emotional little bastard.
Blake- Anything to add?
Lantlas- No, I think that about covers it.
Blake- Do you have anything to say about your other opponent this week, the American Nightmare?
Lantlas- He's still associated with Nightmare 2 Society, who also has an astounding record of no wins against me. Hostile Takeover, that fucker got hoisted for a ride on the Elvish Tale and was down for the count. It's sad, because for a 350 pound guy, I expected a little more competition. I guess that's why I tend to forget he's even involved in this match.
Blake- Speaking of Nightmare 2 Society, it appears their business with you isn't over yet.
Lantlas- Repackaged with a new member, someone to bring something fresh to the table... Roll the tape!
"Lantlas, I actually don't know what to think about this freak, I mean after all he claims to be a elf....yes, a light in the loafers elf. Isn't he suppose to be dancing around with a harp or a flute and tossing rose peddles into the air, or is it glitter???? Lantlas, you can hide in your fairy tale of a life, but you will be brought back to reality if you continue to find yourself against us, your misery will be taken and expanded by my hands if I were to get ahold of you and anyone else that stands in my way against anyone I will face, no matter the odds or who they might be."
::The tape ends::
Lantlas- They got rid of Anthony Douglas all right! They got rid of him to hire another guy who... SAYS THE EXACT SAME THINGS AS ANTHONY DOUGLAS DOES! Brilliant, Willard! This is the guy who's going to be the savior to your whole failed PCW takeover mission? Harp forest jokes, fantasy worlds... HAHAHA! Ohmygod, I haven't heard those in forever! No one EVER says those things around here! Except for... everyone... even Ace at one point and time. That material is more dated than Pamela Anderson's twat, so give it a rest already and come up with something original, or is that how you're allowed to enter the Nightmare 2 Society, by being a brainless jackass who follows the chain of command of generic insults! Loco, what makes you think the addition of you is going to bring any luck whatsoever? Jason Willard, one-on-one with me... Lost. Big Pay-Per-View match, two of your members and a clinically depressed Emo McSlicer against one credible opponent... Lost! You couldn't beat us three on two-and-a-half! Now all of the sudden, in a semi-evenly matched situation where the two of you will once again unsuccessfully attempt to prove yourselves as anything less pathetic than an Anthony Douglas lecture on creativity, you're coming out with your return speech. Dear God, cut it down, will you? I don't have eight hours to sit and listen to you ramble on about absolutely nothing that nobody's already said. Give it a rest, and do yourself a favor... Check the past before you run your mouth. I've beaten your friends worse than Ike Turner on ten-cent-beer night. Get over it, your addition is only going to inflate my record and deflate your little tiny ego.
Blake- Um... O-kay. Lantlas, thanks for being on the show, and good luck surviving the main event at Trauma!
Lantlas- And I'll be sure to avoid Anthony Douglas's plan to end charisma as we know it.
::Lantlas leaves as the music plays.::
...
::A few minutes after leaving the set, Lantlas receives a phone call.::
Lantlas- What's up?
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Lantlas- Oh, Neo Anderson's going down the route of personal insults and cheap shots, eh?
...
Lantlas- He's insulting who?
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Lantlas- Where does he get off talking about the girls I've dated? The last girl I saw him with was the first woman in history to give someone a reverse erection! She could make a strap-on go limp!
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Lantlas- Do I really have to worry about this now?
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Lantlas- No, I just got done dealing with that impotent emo bitch again.
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Lantlas- Yes, Anthony Douglas is on the Elven jokes AGAIN.
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Lantlas- Yes, the same ones from HHW.
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Lantlas- Please... This match will be easier than Chrissy Johnson on Viagra.
...
Lantlas- Yeah, but I really gotta go. All right?
...
Lantlas- No problem, take it easy.
::Lantlas hangs up the phone as the scene ends.::