Post by Lantlas on Feb 6, 2007 23:46:52 GMT -5
"Orange Julius"
Eleven o’clock finally rolled around, and my delightful co-worker was finally scheduled to join me. Cute, young girl… just not exactly all there in the head. After all, she was the coiner of the infamous phrase; “Clerks is to Clerks as Office Space is to Office Space.” However, she was certainly never even the slightest bit mean, and that came in handy, especially with impatient, rude customers. They just couldn’t seem to be mean to her. I, on the other hand, a twenty-something male, was a prime target for such action, and received it on a frequent basis.
It was a weekday, so besides a few people on their lunch breaks, the mall was all but dead. While Caroline was running to the back, a woman in a business suit approached with four brand new movies. “All right,” I primed myself. “This should be an easy store loyalty sale.”
“Did you find everything you were looking for?” I politely asked. The woman barely acknowledged my question, almost forcing herself to nod. I got a bad feeling about trying to make a sale out of this, but figured maybe she was just having a bad morning, and knowing about the savings she could get might bring it up. “Are you a member of our preferred shopper club?”
Apparently, “preferred shopper club” is the ignition for code super bitch at whatever business she works. “Listen, I come in here all the time and I’m sick of being bombarded with your sales pitches! Can’t I just buy movies without you trying to sell me something?”
“I’m sorry,” I apologized without meaning it. “Just when you spend this much money in the store, it’s a shame to see you not earn a bunch of it back.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you only say that because you get paid for every one you sell.”
“No, actually I don’t.”
“Well, then you’re an idiot. Maybe that’s why I’m making thirty-five an hour and you’re making five. See if I ever come back to this store again.”
I watched in disbelief, waiting for whatever pinecone was lodged in this woman’s rectum to drop to the floor, hit the ground, and run screaming for help. That couldn’t have been a pleasant experience for the pinecone. I pulled out my cell phone and held it next to my waist, so that no one outside the counter area could see it. I sent a text message to Brian, summarizing the recent events. While I was doing so, Caroline walked to the register to clock in, and saw me typing away on the keys.
“Are you texting Brian again?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“You work three stores down from him. Why don’t you save yourself the money and just go down and tell him?”
I shrugged, clicked the send button, and then flipped my phone back up. “I enjoy conversation involving letters that were formed by clicking numbers.”
“You’re a weird kid,” Caroline stated.
“Weird is to weird as kid is to kid.”
“Shut up.”
The clock was about to strike 11:15, but before it could do so, the phone rang. I picked it up from the other side of the counter. “Thank you for calling MovieXPress, where you can get five movies for fifty dollars, Alex speaking, how may I help you?”
“Um.… what?” The other voice sounded a bit confused. “Did I call MovieXPress?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Ma’am.”
“Sorry.”
“What was all that other talking I heard then?”
One of these types. Just what I needed before I was supposed to go on my break. “It’s how management tells us we’re supposed to answer the phone.”
“Should’ve stayed at Mickey D’s.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing,” the woman snidely remarked. She was already on my last nerve, but unfortunately, she’d call back if I hung up on her. “I want to know if I can return a movie I bought yesterday.”
“Do you have the receipt?”
“No.”
“Is the movie defective?”
“No.”
“Then why do you want to bring it back?”
“Because I didn’t like it, and I want my money back.”
“I’m sorry, but without a receipt, the only thing I can do is give you another copy of the same movie.”
“Why the hell would I want another copy of the same movie? I just said I didn’t like it.”
“Without the receipt,” I explained, getting annoyed, “I cannot do anything other than what I just explained. It’s not just store policy, it’s the law.”
“I want to speak to the manager,” she demanded.
“I am the manager,” I lied.
“Oh, well that makes sense. I suppose MovieXPress is now nothing more than a government conspiracy from the planet Pluto, huh?”
“Ma’am, we can’t even get a land rover to effectively tell us if there’s life on Mars or not, but I’m sure if there’s any conspiracy involving the most distant planet in the solar system, the divine lords of wisdom will call upon you for your omnipotence.” I hung up the phone, and instantly burst out laughing. Caroline was looking at me, rather puzzled.
“What just happened?”
“Apparently I’m now a conspirator from the planet Pluto,” I snickered.
“That’s the one with the rings, right?”
I stopped, looked at Caroline, and realized she was serious in asking that question. My eyes glanced over to the clock. 11:17. “Well, look at that! Time for my run to Orange Julius! Be back in fifteen!”
The second I walked out of the store, I felt a plastic lightsaber smash into my back. “I will never rule the mall galaxy with you!”
“Would this be the galaxy involving the planet ‘Pluto’?” I inquired.
“Huh?”
“Nevermind. So how goes life in the gaming world?”
“Well, you might’ve thought it was quite amusing to pull the ‘are you open?’ stunt this morning.”
“Yes, I did. Go on.”
“The sad thing is,” he continued, “five more people asked after you. ‘Hey, are you guys open?’ Is it 10:00 yet? ‘No, it’s quarter to…’ Is our gate up yet? ‘…no?’ Then I guess we’re not open yet.”
“Five people asked?”
“More than four, less than six.”
“Interesting.”
“Quite.”
We reached the Orange Julius stand, and our buddy Chris was there as always. He’d seen us coming, and already had our orders prepared. As we approached, I was commenting on the pain-in-the-assitude of the store-loyalty program. “… And most of the time, they think it’s just because you’re getting paid for it, which as we all know, the manager’s the only one who gets a bonus for what we sell.”
“You guys still have to stay with the script?” Brian asked.
“Yeah,” I groaned.
“Hey,” Chris interrupted. “I don’t even want to hear it from you guys. At least you get to talk to people! The only conversation I get is the order, and if I’m lucky, a ‘thank you’. I get no respect!”
“I thought Rodney Dangerfield was dead,” Brian smirked.
“Shut up, you guys! It’s the JCPenny’s girls!”
Three blonde women in silk black business suits walked by, heading towards their home store. “They’re so perfect,” Chris ogled. “And they know it too.”
“They’re so not even on our level,” Brian assumed.
“Dude, we’d have to at least be working at one of the clothing stores to even have a chance,” I added.
“See ya later, Chris,” Brian waved as we started walking back towards our store with the drinks. I waved goodbye as well, and we walked down the mall, stopping near the Victoria’s Secret for no particular reason.
“After the fiasco earlier this year, I’ve already just begun to tell people that they can’t reserve a PS3. There’s no way in hell I’m receiving death threats over people not getting their systems again!”
“Death threats?” I asked, intrigued.
“Like you wouldn’t believe! People are hardcore about their gaming systems!”
“Excuse me,” someone interrupted. We both turned to see a middle-aged woman tugging at my shirt. “Do you work here?”
I looked around, and realized we’d drifted into the Victoria’s Secret. While I was wearing a name tag, I didn’t quite fit the profile, of course starting with the gender and the wardrobe. “Yes, but I’m undercover. Quick Brian, before we’re spotted!” Brian faked deep attention, and we both sped off back into the crowd.
“Have fun,” I bid him adieu.
“I’m sure I will,” he laughed, “especially if another thirteen-year-old attempts to buy ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.’”
“Don’t worry,” I called back, “I’m sure I’ll have to explain that VHS aren’t being made anymore at least three more times today as well!”
Finally, as I was walking back into my store, a gentleman was carrying a copy of “American History X” to the counter. He looked at Caroline dead in the eye. “Excuse me, miss?”
“Yes sir, how can I help you?”
“I found this copy of American History Ten,” he responded. “Do you happen to know if One Thru Nine were any good?”
By some grace of God, the carpets did not have an orange spot in them as I walked back to clock back in.
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Eleven o’clock finally rolled around, and my delightful co-worker was finally scheduled to join me. Cute, young girl… just not exactly all there in the head. After all, she was the coiner of the infamous phrase; “Clerks is to Clerks as Office Space is to Office Space.” However, she was certainly never even the slightest bit mean, and that came in handy, especially with impatient, rude customers. They just couldn’t seem to be mean to her. I, on the other hand, a twenty-something male, was a prime target for such action, and received it on a frequent basis.
It was a weekday, so besides a few people on their lunch breaks, the mall was all but dead. While Caroline was running to the back, a woman in a business suit approached with four brand new movies. “All right,” I primed myself. “This should be an easy store loyalty sale.”
“Did you find everything you were looking for?” I politely asked. The woman barely acknowledged my question, almost forcing herself to nod. I got a bad feeling about trying to make a sale out of this, but figured maybe she was just having a bad morning, and knowing about the savings she could get might bring it up. “Are you a member of our preferred shopper club?”
Apparently, “preferred shopper club” is the ignition for code super bitch at whatever business she works. “Listen, I come in here all the time and I’m sick of being bombarded with your sales pitches! Can’t I just buy movies without you trying to sell me something?”
“I’m sorry,” I apologized without meaning it. “Just when you spend this much money in the store, it’s a shame to see you not earn a bunch of it back.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you only say that because you get paid for every one you sell.”
“No, actually I don’t.”
“Well, then you’re an idiot. Maybe that’s why I’m making thirty-five an hour and you’re making five. See if I ever come back to this store again.”
I watched in disbelief, waiting for whatever pinecone was lodged in this woman’s rectum to drop to the floor, hit the ground, and run screaming for help. That couldn’t have been a pleasant experience for the pinecone. I pulled out my cell phone and held it next to my waist, so that no one outside the counter area could see it. I sent a text message to Brian, summarizing the recent events. While I was doing so, Caroline walked to the register to clock in, and saw me typing away on the keys.
“Are you texting Brian again?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“You work three stores down from him. Why don’t you save yourself the money and just go down and tell him?”
I shrugged, clicked the send button, and then flipped my phone back up. “I enjoy conversation involving letters that were formed by clicking numbers.”
“You’re a weird kid,” Caroline stated.
“Weird is to weird as kid is to kid.”
“Shut up.”
The clock was about to strike 11:15, but before it could do so, the phone rang. I picked it up from the other side of the counter. “Thank you for calling MovieXPress, where you can get five movies for fifty dollars, Alex speaking, how may I help you?”
“Um.… what?” The other voice sounded a bit confused. “Did I call MovieXPress?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Ma’am.”
“Sorry.”
“What was all that other talking I heard then?”
One of these types. Just what I needed before I was supposed to go on my break. “It’s how management tells us we’re supposed to answer the phone.”
“Should’ve stayed at Mickey D’s.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing,” the woman snidely remarked. She was already on my last nerve, but unfortunately, she’d call back if I hung up on her. “I want to know if I can return a movie I bought yesterday.”
“Do you have the receipt?”
“No.”
“Is the movie defective?”
“No.”
“Then why do you want to bring it back?”
“Because I didn’t like it, and I want my money back.”
“I’m sorry, but without a receipt, the only thing I can do is give you another copy of the same movie.”
“Why the hell would I want another copy of the same movie? I just said I didn’t like it.”
“Without the receipt,” I explained, getting annoyed, “I cannot do anything other than what I just explained. It’s not just store policy, it’s the law.”
“I want to speak to the manager,” she demanded.
“I am the manager,” I lied.
“Oh, well that makes sense. I suppose MovieXPress is now nothing more than a government conspiracy from the planet Pluto, huh?”
“Ma’am, we can’t even get a land rover to effectively tell us if there’s life on Mars or not, but I’m sure if there’s any conspiracy involving the most distant planet in the solar system, the divine lords of wisdom will call upon you for your omnipotence.” I hung up the phone, and instantly burst out laughing. Caroline was looking at me, rather puzzled.
“What just happened?”
“Apparently I’m now a conspirator from the planet Pluto,” I snickered.
“That’s the one with the rings, right?”
I stopped, looked at Caroline, and realized she was serious in asking that question. My eyes glanced over to the clock. 11:17. “Well, look at that! Time for my run to Orange Julius! Be back in fifteen!”
The second I walked out of the store, I felt a plastic lightsaber smash into my back. “I will never rule the mall galaxy with you!”
“Would this be the galaxy involving the planet ‘Pluto’?” I inquired.
“Huh?”
“Nevermind. So how goes life in the gaming world?”
“Well, you might’ve thought it was quite amusing to pull the ‘are you open?’ stunt this morning.”
“Yes, I did. Go on.”
“The sad thing is,” he continued, “five more people asked after you. ‘Hey, are you guys open?’ Is it 10:00 yet? ‘No, it’s quarter to…’ Is our gate up yet? ‘…no?’ Then I guess we’re not open yet.”
“Five people asked?”
“More than four, less than six.”
“Interesting.”
“Quite.”
We reached the Orange Julius stand, and our buddy Chris was there as always. He’d seen us coming, and already had our orders prepared. As we approached, I was commenting on the pain-in-the-assitude of the store-loyalty program. “… And most of the time, they think it’s just because you’re getting paid for it, which as we all know, the manager’s the only one who gets a bonus for what we sell.”
“You guys still have to stay with the script?” Brian asked.
“Yeah,” I groaned.
“Hey,” Chris interrupted. “I don’t even want to hear it from you guys. At least you get to talk to people! The only conversation I get is the order, and if I’m lucky, a ‘thank you’. I get no respect!”
“I thought Rodney Dangerfield was dead,” Brian smirked.
“Shut up, you guys! It’s the JCPenny’s girls!”
Three blonde women in silk black business suits walked by, heading towards their home store. “They’re so perfect,” Chris ogled. “And they know it too.”
“They’re so not even on our level,” Brian assumed.
“Dude, we’d have to at least be working at one of the clothing stores to even have a chance,” I added.
“See ya later, Chris,” Brian waved as we started walking back towards our store with the drinks. I waved goodbye as well, and we walked down the mall, stopping near the Victoria’s Secret for no particular reason.
“After the fiasco earlier this year, I’ve already just begun to tell people that they can’t reserve a PS3. There’s no way in hell I’m receiving death threats over people not getting their systems again!”
“Death threats?” I asked, intrigued.
“Like you wouldn’t believe! People are hardcore about their gaming systems!”
“Excuse me,” someone interrupted. We both turned to see a middle-aged woman tugging at my shirt. “Do you work here?”
I looked around, and realized we’d drifted into the Victoria’s Secret. While I was wearing a name tag, I didn’t quite fit the profile, of course starting with the gender and the wardrobe. “Yes, but I’m undercover. Quick Brian, before we’re spotted!” Brian faked deep attention, and we both sped off back into the crowd.
“Have fun,” I bid him adieu.
“I’m sure I will,” he laughed, “especially if another thirteen-year-old attempts to buy ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.’”
“Don’t worry,” I called back, “I’m sure I’ll have to explain that VHS aren’t being made anymore at least three more times today as well!”
Finally, as I was walking back into my store, a gentleman was carrying a copy of “American History X” to the counter. He looked at Caroline dead in the eye. “Excuse me, miss?”
“Yes sir, how can I help you?”
“I found this copy of American History Ten,” he responded. “Do you happen to know if One Thru Nine were any good?”
By some grace of God, the carpets did not have an orange spot in them as I walked back to clock back in.
Help me get this read on the web... www.fictionpress.com/s/2231693/2/ scroll to the bottom of the page, at the bottom left, click the submit review button.