Post by Lantlas on Dec 25, 2010 2:44:22 GMT -5
MOONPRISM REVIEWS "HOME ALONE"
Greetings and salutations, my friends.
In the first edition of "Jaded Hope", I discussed my pure hatred for the movie "Easy A". While not widely considered a bad movie, I certainly don't think it's one of the highest-grossing pictures of all time. Today's review is quite different, as not only is this revered as one of John Hughes' finest pieces, but it is also one of the highest grossing movies of all time. If you haven't guessed by now, I'm of course talking about another movie that people love that I can't stand, "Home Alone."
To this film's credit, it did spawn a bunch of copycats and make Macaulay Culkin a household name. While it's definitely not a terrible movie, there are just so many things that irritate the hell out of me about it. Not being the disaster that the next three were, I'm taking a look at the original.
We start off with John Williams' opening score, one of the things this movie got right, and the title sequence that would be used for the four installments of this series. The house is well established to be a mad craze of children running around while Joe Pesci screams for attention in a cop's uniform. Why someone let a cop in the house and nobody bothered to pay any attention is beyond me, but let's go with it. Count how many times Pesci says "hey hey hey" and think about his Goodfellas character or Vincent Gambini dealing with these brats. That would've made an entertaining premise, but this movie has the PG curse, which removes most of Pesci's potential dialogue and replaces it with gibberish and grunts.
We cut to other exposition, which establishes that John Heard (Peter) and Catherine O'Hara (Kate), are parents of some of these spawns, including Kevin, played by Macaulay Culkin. The introduction we get to Kevin is whining. Get used to it; it won't be the last time in the first fifteen minutes. This crisis of course is ignored because O'Hara's busy on the phone, which is great when you have a house full of guests and god knows how many children running around. But yes Kevin, mean old Uncle Frank wouldn't let you watch the movie, most likely because you'd whine through that too, so I don't blame him.
While John Heard, indirectly informs the audience that the family is headed to Paris for the holidays, Kevin whines again that nobody will let him do anything. Can you imagine how loaded this family is, flying this entire family to Paris? Then again, it's a John Hughes movie taking place in Illinois, so rich white suburbia reigns supreme.
Peter hands off Kevin to his aunt, whose only purpose in this movie is to set up the first big challenge young Kevin faces in this movie. "PACK MY SUITCASE?!?!" Yes, the first obstacle Kevin must overcome is the agonizing, incredibly complex idea of packing his own suitcase, which he mentions to every sibling... or random kid; most are indistinguishable... who treat it with their one-dimensional older sibling personalities with him and each other. The only sibling who stands out is Buzz, presumably the oldest brother. Why is he the only one the slightest bit noticeable? Simple... The other siblings are apathetic and annoyed, and Buzz is just a flagrant douchebag. Insert any movie bully, and you've got Buzz, who has no positive qualities except for one line of dialogue in the last minute.
Buzz's other purpose is to mess with Kevin and... Some other random kid in his room, who I guess is from France... Not really sure what this is all about, some of these people live in France, some live in this house, maybe? Who cares, they're all forgettable. He does this by telling stories about "Old Man Marley", an old man salting the sidewalks who is supposedly a mass murderer that everybody knows about. The salt that melts the sidewalk, of course Buzz explains, turns to bodies and mummies... because not only did the old man kill people, but he turned them into ancient Egyptian preserved corpses. Marley glances toward the window where the boys are, and they panic to dramatic music, thus establishing the first time Kevin is scared of nothing in this movie. Granted, I can see an eight-year-old buying this kind of thing, but his fear of this man plays throughout the movie and is an odd contrast to his later actions with other adults.
The pizza guy joins the cop observing the madness, and attempts to get twelve pizzas paid for. This doesn't go so well, much like the POLICE OFFICER EVERYBODY'S IGNORING, and Uncle Frank takes the pizzas away without paying for them, because a real cop would totally let someone do that. Finally, Pesci establishes that he's checking on people's security while the pizza guy tries to get paid, and he lets him know his home is in good hands.
While Peter tries to round up the money, we're introduced to Kevin's two next big dilemmas. One, somebody ate all the cheese pizza. Two, the only child younger than he is, Fuller, will wet the bed if he has something to drink. This was mentioned previously by one of the random siblings, but is especially played up in the pizza dinner scene. Why? The kid takes a drink of Pepsi, then stares at Kevin with this giant, rather creepy grin, as if silently saying "oh yeah, cuz... It's so cool that I'm gonna wet the bed we sleep in." Or to borrow a paraphrased line from "Billy Madison", "if peeing the bed is cool, consider me Miles Davis." While I can empathize with Kevin's position on that one, why is this plot device necessary? Yes, without Fuller he sleeps in the attic alone, but couldn't we have just not had the bed wetter put into this?
Anyway, Buzz continues being a douchebag and implies that he intentionally ate all of Kevin's plain cheese pizza, and follows that up with mimicked "barfing" as he called it... Lovely. Kevin rightfully spears his brother, which unleashes a series of unfortunate events that gets everyone pissed at Kevin so that he is exiled to the attic. He wishes for a new family to his mother's face, who has thirteen other people in the house to worry about and can barely feign caring.
The power goes out during the night, so everyone sleeps in late. A frantic family attempts to get everyone together while the shuttle bus drivers deal with a kid later confused for Kevin who does nothing but ask questions repeatedly... Similar to Culkin's character in "Uncle Buck", except that one was entertaining and not annoying. Everyone takes off and runs through the airport, glad they're in the 90s because post-2001, that wouldn't have worked so well. This madness concludes with "hope we didn't forget anything..."
Plane in flight, Kevin walks through an empty house, noticing that no one else is around. How everyone panicked, yelled, and got out the door without waking the kid is a mystery to me, but if I talk about everything that annoys me in this movie, I'll never get to the end.
Now we're introduced to a villain in this movie. The talking furnace, and yes, that did make me feel ridiculous to write. The growling evil furnace scares the hell out of Kevin, distracting him from searching for his family.
Kevin comes to the conclusion that he made his family disappear, and then proceeds to do everything he's always wanted to do... Jumping on the bed, running through the house screaming that he's free, and then discovering a be-be gun in his brother's room. What does he do with it? Shoots action figures down the laundry chute... God I'm bored.
Then we're treated to a visual of more ice cream than a truck could carry... Seriously, their freezer must be the size of the house next door! Kevin loads up on a diabetic coma waiting to happen and watches an old gangster movie that scares him into calling "MOM!"
Kate starts to feel like she forgot something, and Peter realizes he forgot to close the garage. Why was it left open? I refer you to my previous explanation. With a loud "KEVIN!", Kate realizes they left their son home.
The family hits Paris and starts calling everyone to no success. Kate calls the Chicago police, who treat child abandonment as some everyday minor inconvenience. Yes, there's an eight-year-old at home alone due to negligence, but making an effort to care would just be too realistic. After being transferred twice, they give up and send an officer to the house. Nobody answers the door at the house, because Kevin is hiding under the bed, scared for his life because of Old Man Marley. The cop decides the house is secure rather easily and gives up, once again indicating the surprising apathy of child negligence by the law.
Around this time we're also introduced to the Wet Bandits, played by Daniel Stern as Marv and.... ::cue surprise:: JOE PESCI as Harry! You mean he's not really a cop? Surely you jest! They indicate that they intend to rob five houses on the block, but the McAlister one being the big location on their list. So the kid is scared of gangster movies, old men shoveling snow, and an evil talking furnace, I'm sure two burglars are going to scare the daylights out of him, right? Right?
Meanwhile in Paris, Kate decides they can't wait for a morning flight and makes it her mission to get back to Chicago. Seeming rather surprised that plane trips are sold out at the busiest time of year, she emphatically begins her return mission while the rest of the family heads to their Paris destination. While watching French TV, one of the McAlister kids, I think, suddenly has some empathy for her little brother/cousin/relative, but Buzz of course keeps up his douche persona by refusing to leave the world of one-dimensional bully. Subtle foreshadowing, "nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen, period!" Gee, I bet that means that something bad is going to happen!
We also see him changing his tune rather quickly, wishing for his family to come back, because I assume you can only run through the house so many times before you need someone to whine to again. However, silly antics are about to begin again, as Kevin orders that cheese pizza that got away in the beginning for himself. The same pizza guy from the beginning seems to have no familiarity with this house. How does Kevin communicate with the pizza boy? By using the gangster from the movie and playing clips to make it sound like communication. Because... Suddenly it went from a family of fifteen to an angry gangster? Okay...
Kevin then thinks it funny to play the threatening murder dialogue of the gangster to chase off the pizza guy. So the sound of a gun firing sends him running for his life... But the cops are never called about it. So let me get this straight... A pizza guy fears for his life because a GUN is supposedly shot at him, and he never even lets anyone know about it?! Are you serious?
Amidst scenes of Kate trying to barter her way onto other people's flights, Kevin decides to go shopping for a toothbrush while talking to himself in the mirror, because... That's what kids did before X-Box. He applies some aftershave to his face and we get the infamous scream that was on all the posters. Had an eight-year-old been screaming while murderous thugs were after him, that would just be silly, but in this movie, it's furnaces and aftershave that cause the real drama.
The Wet Bandits are busy stealing Christmas presents, although why all the presents are there if the family is on vacation I'm not sure, and they hear Peter leaving a message on their machine. Pesci knew they were gone, so they decide to hit the house that night.
He asks a clerk if a toothbrush is approved by the ADA, and while he's waiting for said answer, Old Man Marley comes in next to him, causing him to run in panic. He forgets that he hasn't paid for it and runs out of the door in fear. The shopkeeper calls the attention to a conveniently-placed police officer. The cop, presumably not the same one who told the chief to count their kids again, follows Kevin onto an ice pond, where I'm sure hilarity will ensue! Kevin makes the longest running slide in history while coincidentally not running into anyone, and the cop gets mixed up with other skaters. This concludes with Kevin admitting that he's a criminal. Don't worry, Kevin... That dollar sixty-seven will only get you twenty days tops.
Marv is robbing a house and he clogs the sink and leaves the water running, because it's their calling card. Harry tells him it's a sick thing to do, which I suppose it is coming from two guys who are robbing families on Christmas. They get into an argument while driving their cover van, and don't notice Kevin crossing the driveway in front of them. Instead of, I don't know, GETTING OUT OF THE WAY, Kevin stares at the van and defends himself by screaming into the grill. Effective. Pesci smiles at Kevin, and the gold tooth seen in the beginning when Pesci was a cop tips Kevin off to what's going on. Pesci doesn't think it's too funny that the kid looked at him that way, and they follow him. He escapes by hiding in the nativity.
The Wet Bandits are snooping in on the McAlister house, but Kevin knows they're coming... because the van nearly hitting him tipped him off, I guess. He puts together a series of dolls and cardboard cutouts with blaring Christmas music, as the villains gaze in confusion at slowly moving and rotating shadows and decide to leave. "Ohmygod, there's a slowly-rotating and still-moving silhouette on those curtains! There must be someone there!"
Now it's Christmas Eve, and the Bandits are confused by the lack of presence at the house. Pesci sends Stern to the same door the pizza guy went to, and Kevin uses the gangster movie again to make Marv believe that somebody gets murdered at the house. Much like the pizza guy, Marv buys it and runs away, but Pesci decides they should stick around for someone to be questioned when the cops come. God this is stupid.
Kevin goes grocery shopping, with a surprisingly inquisitive cashier demanding answers. Because, she gives a shit, I guess. She finally asks where he lives, and Kevin uses the "you're a stranger" defense, and nothing else is mentioned. On the way home, another hilarious moment where an eight-year-old kid can carry everything, but the items are so heavy that they fall through the bags. Is this really supposed to be funny?
He does the laundry, and the dreaded evil furnace makes another appearance. After only the third time, Kevin seems to be over it, and tells it to shut up. Thank you, pointless storyline. But it's good to know household items make better villains than the villains.
Meanwhile in Kate's World Travels, she still can't seem to believe that no flights are available on CHRISTMAS EVE! We find out that she's in Scranton, having previously been in Dallas, and it seems she has no way to get there and won't wait til tomorrow. Here's one of my biggest problems with this scenario. She has enough money to buy plane tickets at the gate during Christmas season, but she doesn't have the money or thought to... I don't know... RENT A FUCKING CAR?! This whole problem could be solved with a deposit and a rental Chevy, why does this never come to her stupid mind? Well we find out why, because John Candy and His Merry Band of Polka enter the scene, and they've already rented a truck and just happen to be heading in that general direction. Candy reprises his role from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, although this film unfortunately lacks the Steve Martin with his eternally significant contribution: "here's an idea, HAVE A POINT!"
Kevin is decorating the tree, and he notices through an ornament that the Bandits are spying on him again. They figure out that it's the kid that they nearly hit with the van, and that he is in fact, home alone. So they have a discussion in the middle of the front yard loud enough for him to HEAR IT FROM HIS HOUSE that they'll be coming back... And they're nice enough to even give him an arrival time! How nice as well that nobody notices two strange men yelling at each other in front of a house in a neighborhood where everyone knows each other... unless they're in a hat and resemble Macaulay Culkin. I realize five families are on vacation, but someone still has to celebrate Christmas at home in this town, don't they?
Before we reach the film's climax, Kevin goes to visit the worst Santa Claus possibly ever on film to ask for his family back. Kevin has me so annoyed at this point that I was hoping for a Bill Goldberg "Santa's Slay" version, but as Buzz said earlier, "I'm not that lucky." "Santa" accepts that the kid wants his family back, and gives him a Tic-Tac for his troubles.
Kevin's last stop is at church, where Old Man Marley also happens to be. The man that made Kevin run in fear more than once is now greeted with just a panicked sigh, but it turns out that he's just a nice fellow with a lot of rumors going around about him. He's there to see his granddaughter sing, so Kevin gives him some advice, and Marley returns the favor.
Kate is seen a few times traveling with John Candy playing polka... But we're later treated to another episode in Bad Parenting where Candy admits he left his son at a funeral parlor, which makes Kate feel even guiltier, AS IT FREAKING SHOULD.
Now Kevin decides that this is his house and he has to defend it from these two potentially dangerous men. Normally an eight-year-old might be afraid of possibly-armed burglars with a plan, but they're not a talking furnace or a suitcase, so we're in like flint. He manages to prepare an incredibly sophisticated series of household traps in an astonishingly short amount of time before the bandits show up.
The Bandits invade, and it's slapstick time! Kevin's managed to leave some glass on the floor and heat the doorknob to burning temperatures. Marv tries to walk down the basement stairs, but slips on the ice and falls the whole way down. No injury there, we move on. Harry comes in through the kitchen door and has his scalp BURNED BY A SOLDERING IRON! He puts this out by diving in the snow, although since he held it while screaming for several seconds, he should be FUCKING DEAD!
Marv is inside the house and pulls on what he thinks is a light string. Instead an iron hits him in the face, yet he later gets up from this as well. Pesci gets mad and kicks in the door, unfazed by SOLDERING IRON BURNS ON HIS HEAD and now both the burglars are inside. Kevin isn't the slightest bit afraid, as the laws of improbability have allowed him even more tricks. Micro Machines on the floor, noted in the exposition by Peter, and paint cans to the head accompanied by some taunting from this kid, who I will mention once again, was afraid of a FUCKING FURNACE!
I know I'm leaving some of these gags out, but let's do a small recap here. One guy slid down a flight of stairs and took an iron to the face from at least fifteen feet. The other guy took the same paint can to the face after having his scalp burned by a soldering iron for several seconds. Yet these villains conveniently recover at full strength chasing the kids up the stairs. At the time, this movie was the third-highest grossing film in history, folks!
More traps, Marv catches his leg, and Buzz's pet tarantula conveniently happens to be within reaching distance. The kid who couldn't pack a suitcase and got punked out twice by a furnace picks up a spider without batting an eye and places it on Marv's face. Marv freaks out, as anyone with a giant spider on their face would, and it ends up on Harry. Marv tries to kill it with a crowbar but just hits Harry. More yelling, more threats, more suddenly fearless Kevin taunts...
He calls 911 from his house and gives them his neighbor's address, obviously forgetting that the address of the phone number shows up on the screen the second you call, and he uses a clothes hanger to glide from the bedroom window to the tree house on a clothesline. Seriously, this kid set up a vast series of house traps, and even had time to connect a clothesline from the window to the tree house? How is this kid not in the space program or something? The villains attempt to follow him by climbing the rope out the window. Wow, this clothesline is strong enough to hold up two grown men, that's some strong freaking rope, man. Kevin takes a pair of hedge clippers and cuts the rope, sending Harry and Marv full force into a brick wall. Yet again, after all of this, they get up from it and see Kevin running to another house.
FINALLY Pesci realizes that following him will lead to another trap, and they decide to do something different. They've taken shots to the head repeatedly with heavy equipment, but thank god for plot's sake they’re still at full strength and thought. Kevin runs through a flooded basement, indicating the Wet Bandits had already hit this house. Kevin runs up the stairs and straight into the Bandits, who finally grab him. They tell him they're going to do everything that Kevin did to them, because they survived it without any consequence, so I suppose Kevin could take an iron to the face with no problem too. Pesci decides he's going to bite off Kevin's fingers; cause I guess I missed where he did that to them, but Old Man Marley makes the save with a shovel to the head. Brick walls, soldering irons and regular irons don't stop these guys, but by god, an aluminum shovel to the face just knocks them right out! Go Marley, you must have the strength of Hercules!
Kevin looks through the curtains at the arrest of the villains, although the cops never find it weird that the guy who called 911 spontaneously disappeared, and Christmas Eve is over. The next morning, Kevin awakes hoping to find his family, and after a drawn out sequence, Kate makes it home... shortly followed by the rest of the family who took the initial morning flight offered way back in Paris. That's nice; they got home within two minutes of each other, once again how convenient.
Everybody gathers and compliments Kevin on how nice the place looks, as NO SIGNS WHATSOEVER of the previous MacGuyver-esque traps set are visible. Not only can he set up these traps in no time, he leaves Marry Poppins and the Cat in the Hat in the dust on cleanup times! Buzz utters the one nice line he has in the movie, and Kevin looks out the window to see Marley reuniting with his family. But then Buzz's badly dubbed over voice yells "Kevin, what did you do to my room?!" Whoops, I guess in all that speedy cleanup, he forgot about destroying his brother's room, and that's the end.
So in conclusion, is it a terrible movie? No. I do admit I enjoyed it as a kid, but after a recent viewing, so many things just got to me about it. This, this movie is the highest-grossing live action comedy ever?
I know we're supposed to suspend our disbelief, but this is just ridiculous. The best villain in the movie, who gets the better of Kevin twice, is a FURNACE. The main villains take shots that would kill Superman and shake it off, but just can't catch that damn kid. Culkin is definitely not the worst child actor on celluloid, but between turning packing a suitcase into the end of the world and somehow being the quickest trap setter and housecleaner in history, I just don't buy it at all. The rest of the family is either forgettable or stereotyped and cliché. It does have its entertaining moments, but it's just too hokey, silly, and far-fetched for my tastes.
To its credit though, it was the first "kid setting traps that idiot villains constantly fall into" comedy movie, and it's not nearly as bad as the rip-offs were. 3 Ninjas and Blank Check, now those are two sinfully bad movies.
So that's my Christmas Day, reviewing a Christmas movie. I hope somebody took the time out to read my thoughts of this family comedy classic. Enjoy your holiday everyone, and let me know if there's a movie you want me to do on here! Thank you!
jaded-hope.blogspot.com/
Greetings and salutations, my friends.
In the first edition of "Jaded Hope", I discussed my pure hatred for the movie "Easy A". While not widely considered a bad movie, I certainly don't think it's one of the highest-grossing pictures of all time. Today's review is quite different, as not only is this revered as one of John Hughes' finest pieces, but it is also one of the highest grossing movies of all time. If you haven't guessed by now, I'm of course talking about another movie that people love that I can't stand, "Home Alone."
To this film's credit, it did spawn a bunch of copycats and make Macaulay Culkin a household name. While it's definitely not a terrible movie, there are just so many things that irritate the hell out of me about it. Not being the disaster that the next three were, I'm taking a look at the original.
We start off with John Williams' opening score, one of the things this movie got right, and the title sequence that would be used for the four installments of this series. The house is well established to be a mad craze of children running around while Joe Pesci screams for attention in a cop's uniform. Why someone let a cop in the house and nobody bothered to pay any attention is beyond me, but let's go with it. Count how many times Pesci says "hey hey hey" and think about his Goodfellas character or Vincent Gambini dealing with these brats. That would've made an entertaining premise, but this movie has the PG curse, which removes most of Pesci's potential dialogue and replaces it with gibberish and grunts.
We cut to other exposition, which establishes that John Heard (Peter) and Catherine O'Hara (Kate), are parents of some of these spawns, including Kevin, played by Macaulay Culkin. The introduction we get to Kevin is whining. Get used to it; it won't be the last time in the first fifteen minutes. This crisis of course is ignored because O'Hara's busy on the phone, which is great when you have a house full of guests and god knows how many children running around. But yes Kevin, mean old Uncle Frank wouldn't let you watch the movie, most likely because you'd whine through that too, so I don't blame him.
While John Heard, indirectly informs the audience that the family is headed to Paris for the holidays, Kevin whines again that nobody will let him do anything. Can you imagine how loaded this family is, flying this entire family to Paris? Then again, it's a John Hughes movie taking place in Illinois, so rich white suburbia reigns supreme.
Peter hands off Kevin to his aunt, whose only purpose in this movie is to set up the first big challenge young Kevin faces in this movie. "PACK MY SUITCASE?!?!" Yes, the first obstacle Kevin must overcome is the agonizing, incredibly complex idea of packing his own suitcase, which he mentions to every sibling... or random kid; most are indistinguishable... who treat it with their one-dimensional older sibling personalities with him and each other. The only sibling who stands out is Buzz, presumably the oldest brother. Why is he the only one the slightest bit noticeable? Simple... The other siblings are apathetic and annoyed, and Buzz is just a flagrant douchebag. Insert any movie bully, and you've got Buzz, who has no positive qualities except for one line of dialogue in the last minute.
Buzz's other purpose is to mess with Kevin and... Some other random kid in his room, who I guess is from France... Not really sure what this is all about, some of these people live in France, some live in this house, maybe? Who cares, they're all forgettable. He does this by telling stories about "Old Man Marley", an old man salting the sidewalks who is supposedly a mass murderer that everybody knows about. The salt that melts the sidewalk, of course Buzz explains, turns to bodies and mummies... because not only did the old man kill people, but he turned them into ancient Egyptian preserved corpses. Marley glances toward the window where the boys are, and they panic to dramatic music, thus establishing the first time Kevin is scared of nothing in this movie. Granted, I can see an eight-year-old buying this kind of thing, but his fear of this man plays throughout the movie and is an odd contrast to his later actions with other adults.
The pizza guy joins the cop observing the madness, and attempts to get twelve pizzas paid for. This doesn't go so well, much like the POLICE OFFICER EVERYBODY'S IGNORING, and Uncle Frank takes the pizzas away without paying for them, because a real cop would totally let someone do that. Finally, Pesci establishes that he's checking on people's security while the pizza guy tries to get paid, and he lets him know his home is in good hands.
While Peter tries to round up the money, we're introduced to Kevin's two next big dilemmas. One, somebody ate all the cheese pizza. Two, the only child younger than he is, Fuller, will wet the bed if he has something to drink. This was mentioned previously by one of the random siblings, but is especially played up in the pizza dinner scene. Why? The kid takes a drink of Pepsi, then stares at Kevin with this giant, rather creepy grin, as if silently saying "oh yeah, cuz... It's so cool that I'm gonna wet the bed we sleep in." Or to borrow a paraphrased line from "Billy Madison", "if peeing the bed is cool, consider me Miles Davis." While I can empathize with Kevin's position on that one, why is this plot device necessary? Yes, without Fuller he sleeps in the attic alone, but couldn't we have just not had the bed wetter put into this?
Anyway, Buzz continues being a douchebag and implies that he intentionally ate all of Kevin's plain cheese pizza, and follows that up with mimicked "barfing" as he called it... Lovely. Kevin rightfully spears his brother, which unleashes a series of unfortunate events that gets everyone pissed at Kevin so that he is exiled to the attic. He wishes for a new family to his mother's face, who has thirteen other people in the house to worry about and can barely feign caring.
The power goes out during the night, so everyone sleeps in late. A frantic family attempts to get everyone together while the shuttle bus drivers deal with a kid later confused for Kevin who does nothing but ask questions repeatedly... Similar to Culkin's character in "Uncle Buck", except that one was entertaining and not annoying. Everyone takes off and runs through the airport, glad they're in the 90s because post-2001, that wouldn't have worked so well. This madness concludes with "hope we didn't forget anything..."
Plane in flight, Kevin walks through an empty house, noticing that no one else is around. How everyone panicked, yelled, and got out the door without waking the kid is a mystery to me, but if I talk about everything that annoys me in this movie, I'll never get to the end.
Now we're introduced to a villain in this movie. The talking furnace, and yes, that did make me feel ridiculous to write. The growling evil furnace scares the hell out of Kevin, distracting him from searching for his family.
Kevin comes to the conclusion that he made his family disappear, and then proceeds to do everything he's always wanted to do... Jumping on the bed, running through the house screaming that he's free, and then discovering a be-be gun in his brother's room. What does he do with it? Shoots action figures down the laundry chute... God I'm bored.
Then we're treated to a visual of more ice cream than a truck could carry... Seriously, their freezer must be the size of the house next door! Kevin loads up on a diabetic coma waiting to happen and watches an old gangster movie that scares him into calling "MOM!"
Kate starts to feel like she forgot something, and Peter realizes he forgot to close the garage. Why was it left open? I refer you to my previous explanation. With a loud "KEVIN!", Kate realizes they left their son home.
The family hits Paris and starts calling everyone to no success. Kate calls the Chicago police, who treat child abandonment as some everyday minor inconvenience. Yes, there's an eight-year-old at home alone due to negligence, but making an effort to care would just be too realistic. After being transferred twice, they give up and send an officer to the house. Nobody answers the door at the house, because Kevin is hiding under the bed, scared for his life because of Old Man Marley. The cop decides the house is secure rather easily and gives up, once again indicating the surprising apathy of child negligence by the law.
Around this time we're also introduced to the Wet Bandits, played by Daniel Stern as Marv and.... ::cue surprise:: JOE PESCI as Harry! You mean he's not really a cop? Surely you jest! They indicate that they intend to rob five houses on the block, but the McAlister one being the big location on their list. So the kid is scared of gangster movies, old men shoveling snow, and an evil talking furnace, I'm sure two burglars are going to scare the daylights out of him, right? Right?
Meanwhile in Paris, Kate decides they can't wait for a morning flight and makes it her mission to get back to Chicago. Seeming rather surprised that plane trips are sold out at the busiest time of year, she emphatically begins her return mission while the rest of the family heads to their Paris destination. While watching French TV, one of the McAlister kids, I think, suddenly has some empathy for her little brother/cousin/relative, but Buzz of course keeps up his douche persona by refusing to leave the world of one-dimensional bully. Subtle foreshadowing, "nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen, period!" Gee, I bet that means that something bad is going to happen!
We also see him changing his tune rather quickly, wishing for his family to come back, because I assume you can only run through the house so many times before you need someone to whine to again. However, silly antics are about to begin again, as Kevin orders that cheese pizza that got away in the beginning for himself. The same pizza guy from the beginning seems to have no familiarity with this house. How does Kevin communicate with the pizza boy? By using the gangster from the movie and playing clips to make it sound like communication. Because... Suddenly it went from a family of fifteen to an angry gangster? Okay...
Kevin then thinks it funny to play the threatening murder dialogue of the gangster to chase off the pizza guy. So the sound of a gun firing sends him running for his life... But the cops are never called about it. So let me get this straight... A pizza guy fears for his life because a GUN is supposedly shot at him, and he never even lets anyone know about it?! Are you serious?
Amidst scenes of Kate trying to barter her way onto other people's flights, Kevin decides to go shopping for a toothbrush while talking to himself in the mirror, because... That's what kids did before X-Box. He applies some aftershave to his face and we get the infamous scream that was on all the posters. Had an eight-year-old been screaming while murderous thugs were after him, that would just be silly, but in this movie, it's furnaces and aftershave that cause the real drama.
The Wet Bandits are busy stealing Christmas presents, although why all the presents are there if the family is on vacation I'm not sure, and they hear Peter leaving a message on their machine. Pesci knew they were gone, so they decide to hit the house that night.
He asks a clerk if a toothbrush is approved by the ADA, and while he's waiting for said answer, Old Man Marley comes in next to him, causing him to run in panic. He forgets that he hasn't paid for it and runs out of the door in fear. The shopkeeper calls the attention to a conveniently-placed police officer. The cop, presumably not the same one who told the chief to count their kids again, follows Kevin onto an ice pond, where I'm sure hilarity will ensue! Kevin makes the longest running slide in history while coincidentally not running into anyone, and the cop gets mixed up with other skaters. This concludes with Kevin admitting that he's a criminal. Don't worry, Kevin... That dollar sixty-seven will only get you twenty days tops.
Marv is robbing a house and he clogs the sink and leaves the water running, because it's their calling card. Harry tells him it's a sick thing to do, which I suppose it is coming from two guys who are robbing families on Christmas. They get into an argument while driving their cover van, and don't notice Kevin crossing the driveway in front of them. Instead of, I don't know, GETTING OUT OF THE WAY, Kevin stares at the van and defends himself by screaming into the grill. Effective. Pesci smiles at Kevin, and the gold tooth seen in the beginning when Pesci was a cop tips Kevin off to what's going on. Pesci doesn't think it's too funny that the kid looked at him that way, and they follow him. He escapes by hiding in the nativity.
The Wet Bandits are snooping in on the McAlister house, but Kevin knows they're coming... because the van nearly hitting him tipped him off, I guess. He puts together a series of dolls and cardboard cutouts with blaring Christmas music, as the villains gaze in confusion at slowly moving and rotating shadows and decide to leave. "Ohmygod, there's a slowly-rotating and still-moving silhouette on those curtains! There must be someone there!"
Now it's Christmas Eve, and the Bandits are confused by the lack of presence at the house. Pesci sends Stern to the same door the pizza guy went to, and Kevin uses the gangster movie again to make Marv believe that somebody gets murdered at the house. Much like the pizza guy, Marv buys it and runs away, but Pesci decides they should stick around for someone to be questioned when the cops come. God this is stupid.
Kevin goes grocery shopping, with a surprisingly inquisitive cashier demanding answers. Because, she gives a shit, I guess. She finally asks where he lives, and Kevin uses the "you're a stranger" defense, and nothing else is mentioned. On the way home, another hilarious moment where an eight-year-old kid can carry everything, but the items are so heavy that they fall through the bags. Is this really supposed to be funny?
He does the laundry, and the dreaded evil furnace makes another appearance. After only the third time, Kevin seems to be over it, and tells it to shut up. Thank you, pointless storyline. But it's good to know household items make better villains than the villains.
Meanwhile in Kate's World Travels, she still can't seem to believe that no flights are available on CHRISTMAS EVE! We find out that she's in Scranton, having previously been in Dallas, and it seems she has no way to get there and won't wait til tomorrow. Here's one of my biggest problems with this scenario. She has enough money to buy plane tickets at the gate during Christmas season, but she doesn't have the money or thought to... I don't know... RENT A FUCKING CAR?! This whole problem could be solved with a deposit and a rental Chevy, why does this never come to her stupid mind? Well we find out why, because John Candy and His Merry Band of Polka enter the scene, and they've already rented a truck and just happen to be heading in that general direction. Candy reprises his role from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, although this film unfortunately lacks the Steve Martin with his eternally significant contribution: "here's an idea, HAVE A POINT!"
Kevin is decorating the tree, and he notices through an ornament that the Bandits are spying on him again. They figure out that it's the kid that they nearly hit with the van, and that he is in fact, home alone. So they have a discussion in the middle of the front yard loud enough for him to HEAR IT FROM HIS HOUSE that they'll be coming back... And they're nice enough to even give him an arrival time! How nice as well that nobody notices two strange men yelling at each other in front of a house in a neighborhood where everyone knows each other... unless they're in a hat and resemble Macaulay Culkin. I realize five families are on vacation, but someone still has to celebrate Christmas at home in this town, don't they?
Before we reach the film's climax, Kevin goes to visit the worst Santa Claus possibly ever on film to ask for his family back. Kevin has me so annoyed at this point that I was hoping for a Bill Goldberg "Santa's Slay" version, but as Buzz said earlier, "I'm not that lucky." "Santa" accepts that the kid wants his family back, and gives him a Tic-Tac for his troubles.
Kevin's last stop is at church, where Old Man Marley also happens to be. The man that made Kevin run in fear more than once is now greeted with just a panicked sigh, but it turns out that he's just a nice fellow with a lot of rumors going around about him. He's there to see his granddaughter sing, so Kevin gives him some advice, and Marley returns the favor.
Kate is seen a few times traveling with John Candy playing polka... But we're later treated to another episode in Bad Parenting where Candy admits he left his son at a funeral parlor, which makes Kate feel even guiltier, AS IT FREAKING SHOULD.
Now Kevin decides that this is his house and he has to defend it from these two potentially dangerous men. Normally an eight-year-old might be afraid of possibly-armed burglars with a plan, but they're not a talking furnace or a suitcase, so we're in like flint. He manages to prepare an incredibly sophisticated series of household traps in an astonishingly short amount of time before the bandits show up.
The Bandits invade, and it's slapstick time! Kevin's managed to leave some glass on the floor and heat the doorknob to burning temperatures. Marv tries to walk down the basement stairs, but slips on the ice and falls the whole way down. No injury there, we move on. Harry comes in through the kitchen door and has his scalp BURNED BY A SOLDERING IRON! He puts this out by diving in the snow, although since he held it while screaming for several seconds, he should be FUCKING DEAD!
Marv is inside the house and pulls on what he thinks is a light string. Instead an iron hits him in the face, yet he later gets up from this as well. Pesci gets mad and kicks in the door, unfazed by SOLDERING IRON BURNS ON HIS HEAD and now both the burglars are inside. Kevin isn't the slightest bit afraid, as the laws of improbability have allowed him even more tricks. Micro Machines on the floor, noted in the exposition by Peter, and paint cans to the head accompanied by some taunting from this kid, who I will mention once again, was afraid of a FUCKING FURNACE!
I know I'm leaving some of these gags out, but let's do a small recap here. One guy slid down a flight of stairs and took an iron to the face from at least fifteen feet. The other guy took the same paint can to the face after having his scalp burned by a soldering iron for several seconds. Yet these villains conveniently recover at full strength chasing the kids up the stairs. At the time, this movie was the third-highest grossing film in history, folks!
More traps, Marv catches his leg, and Buzz's pet tarantula conveniently happens to be within reaching distance. The kid who couldn't pack a suitcase and got punked out twice by a furnace picks up a spider without batting an eye and places it on Marv's face. Marv freaks out, as anyone with a giant spider on their face would, and it ends up on Harry. Marv tries to kill it with a crowbar but just hits Harry. More yelling, more threats, more suddenly fearless Kevin taunts...
He calls 911 from his house and gives them his neighbor's address, obviously forgetting that the address of the phone number shows up on the screen the second you call, and he uses a clothes hanger to glide from the bedroom window to the tree house on a clothesline. Seriously, this kid set up a vast series of house traps, and even had time to connect a clothesline from the window to the tree house? How is this kid not in the space program or something? The villains attempt to follow him by climbing the rope out the window. Wow, this clothesline is strong enough to hold up two grown men, that's some strong freaking rope, man. Kevin takes a pair of hedge clippers and cuts the rope, sending Harry and Marv full force into a brick wall. Yet again, after all of this, they get up from it and see Kevin running to another house.
FINALLY Pesci realizes that following him will lead to another trap, and they decide to do something different. They've taken shots to the head repeatedly with heavy equipment, but thank god for plot's sake they’re still at full strength and thought. Kevin runs through a flooded basement, indicating the Wet Bandits had already hit this house. Kevin runs up the stairs and straight into the Bandits, who finally grab him. They tell him they're going to do everything that Kevin did to them, because they survived it without any consequence, so I suppose Kevin could take an iron to the face with no problem too. Pesci decides he's going to bite off Kevin's fingers; cause I guess I missed where he did that to them, but Old Man Marley makes the save with a shovel to the head. Brick walls, soldering irons and regular irons don't stop these guys, but by god, an aluminum shovel to the face just knocks them right out! Go Marley, you must have the strength of Hercules!
Kevin looks through the curtains at the arrest of the villains, although the cops never find it weird that the guy who called 911 spontaneously disappeared, and Christmas Eve is over. The next morning, Kevin awakes hoping to find his family, and after a drawn out sequence, Kate makes it home... shortly followed by the rest of the family who took the initial morning flight offered way back in Paris. That's nice; they got home within two minutes of each other, once again how convenient.
Everybody gathers and compliments Kevin on how nice the place looks, as NO SIGNS WHATSOEVER of the previous MacGuyver-esque traps set are visible. Not only can he set up these traps in no time, he leaves Marry Poppins and the Cat in the Hat in the dust on cleanup times! Buzz utters the one nice line he has in the movie, and Kevin looks out the window to see Marley reuniting with his family. But then Buzz's badly dubbed over voice yells "Kevin, what did you do to my room?!" Whoops, I guess in all that speedy cleanup, he forgot about destroying his brother's room, and that's the end.
So in conclusion, is it a terrible movie? No. I do admit I enjoyed it as a kid, but after a recent viewing, so many things just got to me about it. This, this movie is the highest-grossing live action comedy ever?
I know we're supposed to suspend our disbelief, but this is just ridiculous. The best villain in the movie, who gets the better of Kevin twice, is a FURNACE. The main villains take shots that would kill Superman and shake it off, but just can't catch that damn kid. Culkin is definitely not the worst child actor on celluloid, but between turning packing a suitcase into the end of the world and somehow being the quickest trap setter and housecleaner in history, I just don't buy it at all. The rest of the family is either forgettable or stereotyped and cliché. It does have its entertaining moments, but it's just too hokey, silly, and far-fetched for my tastes.
To its credit though, it was the first "kid setting traps that idiot villains constantly fall into" comedy movie, and it's not nearly as bad as the rip-offs were. 3 Ninjas and Blank Check, now those are two sinfully bad movies.
So that's my Christmas Day, reviewing a Christmas movie. I hope somebody took the time out to read my thoughts of this family comedy classic. Enjoy your holiday everyone, and let me know if there's a movie you want me to do on here! Thank you!
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