Post by Lantlas on Jan 3, 2011 2:03:35 GMT -5
MOONPRISM REVIEWS "IT'S A TRAP"
Seth MacFarlane, oh how I used to enjoy his productions...
I remember being a big fan of Family Guy when the show first came out. The episode that always stuck with me was "Chitty Chitty Death Bang", the third episode of the first season. It established the premise for the original run of the show. Peter was the well-meaning but idiot father, Stewie was the evil genius, and the show stood out by having random cut-aways that didn't really mean anything, but were funny. They rarely added to the plot, but didn't take away from it either.
On this same token, the third installment of the Family Guy version of Star Wars, It's a Trap, to me represents where the show has fallen. The first run of the Star Wars parody with Family Guy characters was pretty decent, in line with the earlier episodes of the actual show. It was entertaining, unique, witty, and most importantly, SUBTLE. That was the greatest thing about Family Guy in its first three seasons as well; subtle humor. With the resurrection of Family Guy, and the addition of unfunny, unnecessary shows like American Dad and The Cleveland Show, it has changed from subtle to "THIS IS FUNNY! THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK IS FUNNY! SEE! LAUGH AT THIS! THIS IS FUNNY!" Where an old episode of Family Guy had me laughing through an episode (before a million reruns of episodes like To Live and Die in Dixie ruined that), recent episodes have been lucky to even draw a chuckle from me.
Peter has gotten ridiculously stupid, Lois is almost as over the top in whatever personality she chooses that week, and Stewie seems to have abandoned his evil genius in favor of being flamingly gay. Brian used to be the voice of reason, and now is just the spokesdog for Seth's political view of the week. Seth used to work in his views, but now it's so blatant and in your face that it isn't enjoyable, even if you agree with the position! It's a Trap is truly a metaphor, in comparison to Blue Harvest, for Seth MacFarlane himself, and how much this show has fallen since its inception. Look at the titles alone...
Blue Harvest- A reference to the working title of Return of the Jedi. Subtle and creative.
Something, Something, Something, Dark Side- A reference to a previous Family Guy joke. Not terrible, but not that bad.
It's a Trap- A line from the movie itself. No creativity whatsoever, just a reference. As I said in my Easy A review, referencing a good movie is not a suitable replacement for MAKING a good movie!
Before we begin, let me state for the record that I am by no means a Star Wars fan. I'm not a hater, I respect the series for what it is, but I just never got into it. Therefore, several times in this review, I will have a Star Wars fan aid me in explaining why this is insulting to fans of the original saga.
We start out with a view of the Griffin household and the sound of crickets; no doubt the appropriate response for most, if not all, of the jokes in this movie. We open with a pretty standard Family Guy joke, "and now back to <insert funny thing on TV here>." Like most newer Family Guy jokes, it could've been funny, but they kept going. It goes from possible chuckle-worthy to annoying the longer it goes. Gee, something's on TV, is the power gonna go out? Of course, we need a segue!
There goes the power, and it says something when even one of the characters in the show itself is groaning about the upcoming presentation. You know what else says something? When the parody of the epic Star Wars opening isn't a parody at all, but instead an apology. Yes, a movie's opening credits is apologizing to you before the movie even starts. Not only did you ruin possibly one of the most epic introductions in movie history, but you flat out admitted that you don't even care. You don't care, but you don't mind collecting all the money you'll get from selling this movie, nor did you seem to hold back on advertising for it before it came out. But given that enough new generation Family Guy fans seem to adore this version of the show, they probably ate this up.
We continue this script with a long explanation of why we shouldn't be upset if this sucks. Then a "wouldn't it be funny if raccoons were living in a car parked in front of me?" No Seth, it wouldn't be. This is just random rambling in place of what is supposed to set up a movie that George Lucas is actually letting you use, so I guess it's fitting that you're doing what Lucas has done to his own work; remaking and destroying it.
More raccoons in a car? Going through the explanation of how it would work? Really? That was the best intro you could think of for a Star Wars movie? I'm not even a Star Wars fan and I'm insulted by this! I wonder how real Star Wars fans feel about this. What do you think, Enraged Star Wars Superfan?
Enraged Star Wars Superfan: I think this movie is a disgrace. Granted anyone past the age of twelve will tell you that Jedi is their least favorite film, but it is still a god damn important part in the holy trinity that is Star Wars. I agree with you Mr. Critic, the first MacFarlane parody was clever in parts. It even managed to draw some uproarious laughter from yours truly. But half way through the movie it became apparent that this was just another paycheck for MacFarlane. I didn’t even bother watching his parody of Empire and I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch this piece of drek. This is nothing more than his ability to look at what’s popular and make a quick buck off it with poop and fart jokes. God damn you Seth MacFarlane….God damn you!
Now we're back to apologizing and being asked to "lower our expectations". If that's the case, how about you lower your buying price? Or, delay the release and actually take the time to make a decent product? Oh right, you're making money off of three shows in addition to this, what do you care? The truth is, Seth... I have no expectations from you anymore. I watch out of habit anymore, hoping at some point you'll release something of which I know you're capable! I've seen you on Real Time with Bill Maher; I know you're a funny and intelligent guy... Why have you stooped this low? Just to cater to the stoners and idiots that you're usually mocking to begin with that is your only audience left?
I'm already angry and we just finished the opening credits. This is a terrible sign. Time for the traditional pan down under the ship. Wow, the artwork on this piece still doesn't fail to astound me. It's a shame it's being wasted in such fashion, but damn... This is some of the best animation I've ever seen. You can barely tell the difference between the actual movie and these scenes when nobody is talking.
Hey look, there are the construction workers and contractors on the Death Star that Randall was worried about! Tyler Perry joke in the background with a black version of the Hispanic maid with Lando's last name on a movie poster... whatever.
Snow shovel joke, blah blah blah... Back to kickass animation and John Williams music, which I will enjoy until more dialogue ruins it. There's Stewie as Darth Vader, preceded by a commercial airliner-esque crowd leaving the shuttle beforehand. He's greeted by that alien from American Dad, which he acknowledges by asking if they're already out of their own characters. Haha, fourth wall joke! Too bad taking characters from an unfunny show doesn't help make this any better!
The emperor is coming, the plot hole of the Death Star's inevitability made fun of, just like they did in the first one, cutaway of the Emperor and Darth Vader at a bar where he draws a circle on a napkin and says "space station."... These were two of the most evil villains on celluloid, remember? And coming from a show that covers its own plot holes by having miraculous Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind memory erasing every week so we can begin Peter's next "I am gonna do this thing I've never done before" A-story, I've got three words for you, sir: Pot, kettle, black.
We cut to Quagmire as C3PO and Cleveland, who now has his own show, as R2-D2. He starts jumping rope. R2-D2 starts jumping rope. Let me say that again: R2-D2, the Star Wars character, is jumping rope. Are you still watching this? C3PO knocks on the door, and the voice of the Hispanic maid, a character they've already used, isn't any funnier here than that joke ever has been at any point it's ever been used. Gee, is it gonna cut him off and say he's not home? It is! Oh thank you, I was hoping we'd get to avoid that ridiculously stupid running joke! Thank you so much for using it again!
MacFarlaneverse Apologist: Have you not heard of a running gag? That is what the maid does – it’s all she does, it’s funny. Don’t complain to us when you don’t know some of the basic tenets of humor.
Who the hell let you in here? Yes, I have heard of a running gag, but I suppose I'm used to ones that are, I don't know, FUNNY! I know that's what the maid does, it wasn't funny the first time, or the 200 other times it's been used, it's just annoying! ANNOYING! I know what the most basic tenet of humor is... HUMOR!
I just realized I'm only five and a half minutes into this movie. And Star Wars fans thought Jar-Jar Binks was the worst thing to happen to the franchise...
Wow, a funny joke! Referencing the special edition release of Star Wars, a sock puppet is added to the monsters as the "extra" monsters not seen in the original. Okay, that was funny. Now, let's see how they ruin this scene, as Joe as Jabba watches the message of Luke transmitted by R2. We see Peter as Han in frozen carbonite in the mooning position, and what I presume is A Christmas Story reference as a kid gets his tongue stuck on Peter's ass. Everyone laughs, and then R2 adds in "it's tongue stuck to an ass." Thank you for demonstrating what is wrong with this show. Just in case you didn't get the visual gag, one of the characters reminds you that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY!
The second version of the Hispanic maid is running around looking for a kitty (don't ask), and gets eaten by a toad with Opie's face. He belches, end scene. Thanks, that was so necessary.
Lois as Leia sneaks into unfreeze Han Peter, and what else do we get? A fart joke. Because... well... That's what Star Wars needed to become more memorable. Han Peter continuously apologizes over a fart, no doubt a continuation of the apology for making this movie as opposed to the built up fart from being frozen, then passes out unconscious on the floor. Since Han Peter is blind, he hears Jabba's laugh and... Thinks it's the 7-UP guy. Oh, random television references with no place in the scene whatsoever, will you ever age?
"Say 'crisp and clean, no caffeine!'"
I have a better idea. Say "where's Henry Winkler, I need my water skis!" (Look it up)
Han Peter finds Chewbrian in the prison cell, because he got caught eating out of Jabba's trash... because dogs eat out of trash, get it? HA! Isn't it great that we can understand this version of Chewbacca's dialogue?
Joe Da Hut wonders how the cloaked figure gets in, and the sock puppet returns saying he let him in... Thank you, you've already ruined the joke I liked. An argument ensues between 3PO and Chris Skywalker, as the robot attempts to warn him that he's standing on a trap door. 3PO continues explaining every plot detail of the next five minutes, you know, because nobody watching this has any idea what will happen, and we can't let the plot unveil itself. Joe Da Hut hits the trap door, and Chris Skywalker is approached by his first enemy... A giant Rush Limbaugh, and they of course engage in HILARIOUS discussion. This would've been funnier if you used the "didn't know Greenberg was a Jedi name" clip from the fourth season.
R2 shows up and informs Chris that the compartment in which he keeps his lightsabre is his rectum! Yay, a fart joke and an ass joke! And so cleverly used too! Star Wars fan, how do you feel about this?
Enraged Star Wars Superfan:
…….You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!! What the fuck is this shit? I don’t even know where to start I’m so pissed off at this already. We’ve been watching this how long? Fuck it doesn’t matter. First off, this is not only a god damn insult to Star Wars but an insult to animation in general. Seriously, it takes skill to fuck up something like this. Okay, I’ll guess I’ll start with the obvious, R2 jumping rope…WHY!? I cannot begin to explain why this is fucking retarded. It’s an astromech droid. His main method of mobility is ROLLING ON FUCKING WHEELS. He can’t jump, not won’t, but is PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE.
Now let’s go back in time a bit. The whole Death Star scene just sets my teeth on edge. Mr. Critic was right, Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine are about as iconic as you can get with villains AND THAT’S THE BEST YOU COULD FUCKING DO! Why do you even fucking bother Seth? Just put Peter on the screen and have him fart for ninety minutes, that’s about the intelligence level of your audience.
Now skip forward in time. I know I’m as bad as Marvel comics with my continuity. Peter frozen in the mooning position. This one just makes me sad. Han Solo getting frozen in carbonite was a powerful scene. And the look of pure agony on his face after he was encased is heart wrenching for any true Star Wars fan. To disrespect not only the character, but the original scene itself with Peter Griffin's fat fucking ass is just disgusting. But it gets worse…..dear god it gets worse. SOMEONE LICKS THE ASS!! And not only do they lick it, they get their fucking tongue stuck to it…..why the fuck am I still here. You don’t even have to be a Star Wars nerd like me to get pissed off at this fucking garbage.
And now enter ye old fart joke. Artoo having the lightsabre in his rectum…..you know what…fuck this. I’m not even going to dignify this one.
Wow, someone unleashed the Wrath of Khan... Wait, wrong Star movie... Anyway... To make another pointless scene priceless, MacFarlane again writes an explanation of his own joke. I'm not going into it, because I'll never get done with this review if I do.
Pan to the desert, and Osama Bin Laden pops up saying "still alive!" Thanks, that was so necessary in this movie.
Predictably, the monster in this movie is a Meg-version of it. Poor Mila Kunis. Han Peter gets down and begs for mercy because it's supposed to be funny before Chris Skywalker cuts him off with the real dialogue. I'm sure all the Star Wars fans love seeing Han Solo turned into a crying little begging kid. We then take part in a parody of the "nodding, this is the plan" scene... That's still going... And going... And going... Okay, we get it, please stop... Nope, still nodding back and forth... Tuba player's even in on it... Holy shit, Caddyshack joke! Judge Smails saying "well, we're waiting!" Awesome, actually made me laugh out loud!
The battle ensues, oh look, the giant chicken is Bobo Fett... Will we have a long, drawn-out epic battle between the two? No, we get a retread of the nodding scene! Thank you, movie! I desperately needed that annoyance twice in one scene! Instead of a battle between the two Family Guy characters that are notorious for battles, we get a series of nodding and a "he fell". What? THAT is how you're going to handle this scene? That's the BEST you could come up with?
Han Peter leans over the ship to shoot at the monster while trying to save Lando Goldman, and because he's still blind, shoots him several times... which of course only hurts enough to draw "ows" and "ahs". He finally saves him, they blow everything up... Again, impressive animation on the explosions, but the overall failure of that entire scene doesn't help a lot.
Chris Skywalker then starts to head to see Yoda after an argument with Han Peter's answering machine... Yes, that did sound as dumb as I thought it would... So what could be dumber than that? R2-D2 hoarding cookies! Yes! I was hoping I'd find out that R2 is a big fan of stealing Chips Ahoy! And to counter the crinkling sounds that the cookie bag is making, Skywalker turns the ship upside down so they fall out, even though they're in zero gravity, end scene.
MacFarlaneverse Apologist: Honestly, did you not pay attention to the setup, where Peter mentions the cookies? That means they have been established in-universe. Don’t you get annoyed when you find out that people are hiding food from you? Don’t you wish you could eject their food into space – it’s called wish fulfillment. You are just some disgruntled South Park fan aren’t you, only picking on Family Guy because your boyfriends Matt and Trey told you to!
Yes, that's what I'm doing... It has nothing to do with this pitiful excuse for a movie, it's because I want to inject food into space, and because I'm disgruntled because somehow Matt and Trey have still figured out how to write an entertaining show for twice as long while Family Guy has turned into... this. Yes, brilliant. Thank you SO much for that contribution.
Meanwhile, the awesome Imperial March is playing; let's see how we can mess this up! The emperor arrives, and Darth Vader has a kid with cancer with him? The emperor feigns happiness and argues with Darth Vader about how awkward that was. Cause, you know, evil ruthless emperors are just after John Cena on the Make-a-Wish foundation hit list. But of course the Death Star is also a hotel, so the emperor goes to relax in the pool, where splashing kids annoy him into using his electric hands to fry them. It's good to know the emperor is at least nice to kids with cancer.
Meanwhile, Yoda is about to die, so he casually announces it before suddenly going hoarse. Six times, "Luuuuke", casual response from Skywalker each time with no emotion, concluded with an "okay, see ya." Yoda's dead. Luke is of course overcome with grief, until he steals Yoda's credit card and places a phone order... Did I really just type that?
Anyway, the spirit/ghost/whatever Obi-Wan is supposed to be, as Herbert the Pervert, approaches the thieving but grief-stricken Chris Skywalker. R2 does a Shaggy stutter and runs away with the old sound effect... One of the better jokes in this movie. But go ahead, and ruin it with a crude joke about old man peepee toucher, please... I'm glad to know Obi-Wan Kinobe is actually an elderly pervert who touches little boys. He tells Chris that the other Skywalker is the only other chick in the galaxy, Leia. So his sister is his mother in real life, does anyone have a banjo? Three gross sexual jokes concluded with a poop joke about Yoda's tiny toilet. SOMEBODY WROTE THIS!
New scene and "it's the only other chick in the galaxy!" Nice, since you only made that joke ten seconds ago, why not milk it again? Akbar, as a body with a goldfish in a glass for a head, I think from American Dad but I don't know considering I never made it through one episode of that show, walks on screen and immediately says "it's a trap!" Nice job, really. Why the fuck not? It's funny cause it happens later, right? Finish it off with a Jew joke, and only a half hour to go. Considering I barely made it through the Ewok scenes in the real movie, I'm sure this one will be enlightening.
MacFarlaneverse Apologist: Since you just admit to not even watching the show, I find it a little hypocritical to be throwing stones at Klaus being used. He was put in as a shout out reference for fans of all Seth’s shows, not for some pissed off South Park fan. Besides, the show is really good now; I think you’d really like it – but probably not, because it uses actual humor, not just swearing children.
Is your only argument comparing this to South Park? Have I mentioned that show in this review, besides responding to you? How did you even get on this review? But in his defense, you're right... MacFarlane never uses swearing children... mostly just a swearing infant. You're right, that defense totally makes sense.
Chris Skywalker enters in, and we get an argument we all had in, I don't know, SECOND GRADE... "I know something you don't know." Welcome to the bottom of the barrel, folks. So since Chris has to tell her about somebody, we get a cutaway of Han Peter's commercial for his employment site, Hanjobs. It's funny cause it's almost handjobs, HAHAHAHAHAHA oh please, can we have twelve more handjob puns in the next twenty seconds?
Han Peter tells Lando to be careful with the Falcon, cause it's gotten him laid a bunch of times... Cutaway to him driving the Falcon down a street to the George Lopez theme, do you even care?
Cut to the emperor, and he farts! Yay, another fart joke! Just in case you saw the first one and thought, "well, this movie only had one fart joke, I really really hope there's another one!" They talk about Luke joining the Dark Side as if it were a fraternity with initiation, end scene.
We come back to Han and crew flying close to a ship that might have Vader, so Han tells Chewbrian to fly casually... So the ship suddenly takes bird shape and walks while whistling, I'm dead serious. Then we get the scene from the trailer that played every eight seconds for a few weeks about Skywalker being on that ship, Darth pointing him out, and Chris ducking from the window sight. Seriously, didn't that clip in the trailer say all you needed to know about this?
Flying into Endor, Han asks everyone to remind him not to leave without maple syrup... cause Endor is Vermont, I guess. Han approaches a guard, stepping on a stick, bubble wrap, a fun horn, and a dog, then finally a boombox playing 2Unlimited's "Get Ready 4 This", which finally turns him around. He finally fights him off, while the other one escapes on a... girl's bicycle? They hop on more bikes, Pee Wee Herman appears and apparently it was his bike or something, don't ask.
We move on with this epic speedbike chase scene... Try not to groan at the sound of that... A clever segue into an Entertainment Tonight reference, and I don't even feel like trying to finish that sentence. More bike chase... Yay. Cut to a scene from the first movie, and a piece of Alderon flies down from the sky and hits Leia in the face. Reference I'm missing? I don't know... Moving on to more bike chase scene. Smash into each other like they're bigger machines all you want, they're still bikes. You're still trying to pass this off as a Star Wars movie. SUPERFAN?!
Enraged Star Wars Superfan: What is this…I don’t even….AGHHHHHHHH FUCK YOU FAMILY GUY!!! Seriously…seriously……SERIOUSLY!!! God I haven’t been this pissed off at something Star Wars related since Lucas shat out that cum bubble of a Clone Wars animated movie. The blatant disrespect at Yoda’s passing, using a cut rate fish character for one of the galaxies most proficient strategists, the Dark Side fraternity…..FUCK! YOU! SETH MACFARLANE!
Ugh, I don’t even want to go on with this, so I’m just going to say one thing to Mr. Critic. IT’S SPELLED KENOBI YOU JERK OFF!!
I'm guessing I'm Mr. Critic, and I didn't know how to spell it, but hey, I didn't write the movie, so leave your anger to the movie itself, not to me.
Moving along as quickly as possible, an Imperial blows up after complaining about his side hurting. Before that? Just a lot bigger dose of NOT FUNNY. Conversation about the stupid funhorn while the Ewoks approach... Gee, what reference will this be? It's a... bear? Little bear? With a weird accent? The Cleveland Show? Only not sure because five minutes into one episode of that show and I turned it off, scene closes with a period joke! For those keeping score of the lowest denominator ballgame, two fart jokes, two ass jokes, a poop joke, and now a period joke! I'm so glad Seth MacFarlane is really working in the intelligent humor for this piece.
Meanwhile, what hilarity is ensuing on the Death Star? Death Star t-shirts, of course! With a typo! I'm so glad this all-time great villain is being so well-established here! Darth Vader mentions his son, which the emperor confuses for someone named Kurt (or maybe even KIRT ANGLE! *inside joke*) which leads to more awkward conversation about Stewie implying but not denying that he's gay, extended awkward back and forth, because THIS is what Darth Vader should've really been saying. Try imagining James Earl Jones attempting to read this bullshit.
Anyway, the gang gets trapped because Chewbrian sees a... hot girl from Florida, what? And, haha, IT'S A TRAP because that's how they get caught in the nets. R2 frees them, and the Ewoks emerge ready to attack, but start to worship C3PO with a "gold guy" chant. Insert lame cultural reference here. They get taken captive, but freed with the magic of an "is this your card?" joke.
C3PO tells a story around the campfire, which is a Ewok version of the Fresh Prince theme... That is kinda funny. Skywalker tells Leia that they're brother and sister, which she knows and doesn't care that they kissed, because Alderon is the "Mississippi of the galaxy", which of course segues into... Another unfunny running gag! Yay! Instead of randomly cutting to a brief clip of Conway Twitty, this time for Star Wars' sake, we get DARTH TWITTY! Cue the Conway Twitty clip with a superimposed Darth Vader helmet. While the editing is clever, I still don't get the joke and never have.
Now we cut to the meeting of Darth Stewie and Chris Skywalker, and how do we handle it? Like a single father and son who know each other well and just chat about things, throwing out the future happenings once again. Before they go see the emperor, they're going to have tacos because Friday is taco night. Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker do a taco dance... God help me.
Setting up the battle scene, Holocaust joke about Ewoks, blah blah blah...
Back to Endor, and Han Peter uses more second grade humor with there's something on your shirt, and making out with yourself while pretending it's a girl... Wow, what a riot. Han destroys the Imperial because he has a tiny head and doesn't like people who are different, moving on...
Now, it's time for the meeting between the emperor and Skywalker... Finally, the climactic scene everyone knows. Let's see how they ruin this one. The emperor tells Skywalker his friends are walking into a TRAP, and Chris's reaction is "wow, you're white? You sounded black on the phone." I don't need to make fun of this shit, just repeating it is insulting enough.
The crew led by Han Peter takes captive some Imperial workers and, I'm not joking here... Makes them dig their own graves with their helmets. Why? "There's enough cutesy crap in this movie." Wow. Cut to the Imperials digging their graves and crying that they have a family... Han Peter tells him to stab his friend in the face, cut off his face, and wear it home to his family. Thanks for that unnecessary and grim image. Thankfully the rest of the Storm Troopers break up this snuff film waiting to happen. The guy holding a gun on him has an awesome voice, so Han has him page Pee Wee Herman again, who found his bike and rides by, end scene. GOD IS THIS THING OVER YET?!
Finally, the epic scene for which it's named... Lando's assistant is reading The Cat in the Hat, and the fish screams "it's a trap! It's a trap!" before asking whose cat is scratching at the side of the bowl.... Fifteen more minutes to go, can I just get this over with? Lando calls to the crew of the Enterprise, who are just... having tea. Okay...
Ewoks attack, battle scene! Pretty true and well done, until we get an Ewok pillow fight where the Storm Troopers strip down to bra and... I'm almost done with this movie, I'm just moving on. I just keep wondering how George Lucas approved all this. Switch to other battle scenes and now spaceships throwing pies. Just moving along... Random kid getting blown up, I guess a reference I don't get. Seth Green argument, tempting Chris Skywalker to the dark side... Pretty creative, although a weird place to use it. Though it fits the actor playing the character as opposed to the actual character, but whatever, a moment of creativity, I'll take it. Ruin it with a "joke" lightsabre... Darth Vader, ladies and gentlemen.
Back to Ewoks, and one of them eats another... Thanks for that, truly a necessary plot development... Lightsabre duel again, another gay joke... Groan. Vader panics over Skywalker falling from the rafters because of a lawsuit... Whatever, only ten minutes to go. Leia gets shot, two Storm Troopers approach, and suddenly it turns into the Improv Freeze game. Two lines, and shot bang... Kay. I’m barely reviewing this anymore; I just want to get to the end.
Chewbrian shows up in the walker machine thing, the name escapes me and I'm sure I'll get corrected by the Enraged Star Wars Superfan, but too bad I'm not giving him the chance! He blows up a squirrel, a butterfly, a hummingbird... I guess cause they're still mad at cutesy things. He shoots at a beehive, the bees attack, Han's indifferent, Chewbrian passes out.
More making fun of Seth Green, with a great line: "Did you ever see Sex Drive? Oh of course you didn't, you're a person." Still weird timing at the culmination scene for these three movies. Taunt Seth Green some more, cause that's who's playing him and it's funny I guess... He forgets that it's Luke Skywalker and not Seth Green, but let's just get on with it. Good, dueling. Stop talking, thank you. Nice impression of the real emperor's voice by Carter there.
Han blows up the shield, but it sends the Death Star into... Glitter ball mode? Ugh... Cue the "lightning hands" as Skywalker puts it. Again, such subtlety with the emperor saying "Yeah, I'm a bad guy", cause you wouldn't know that otherwise. In what was a rather emotional turning point in the real movie, Darth instead says "oh you said please, you have nice manners!" You're right Seth, you really don't care.
He throws him over the railing, because "that's the power of please," and continuing on with the battle scene, nobody's talking and the music's playing, so it looks and feels really awesome. The body of the emperor falls on the windshield, okay that got a chuckle. The climactic moment of the movie, the only scene I really enjoyed in the original version of this movie, Skywalker tries to pull the helmet off and... Breaks his neck. Then pretends he was already dead and carries him away. Really? For the most part you stuck with the original plot, but you went with that? You just broke his neck trying to take the helmet off?
Well before I get too angry about how unbelievably stupid that is, back to a cool-looking flying scene. They take out the power station, which is actually the band Power Station, it's funny cause they have the same name, blah blah blah... Death Star blows up, heroes win. Ewoks celebrate. Han asks Leia out in the lamest way ever, the Ewoks keep killing Storm Troopers while the rest dance... Oh, it's the Yub Dub dance, he used a pun by saying "shave your Yub Dub", okay... The ghosts appear from the end, with Darth Vader having a broken neck and bitching about how he was gonna make it, turning the hero of this story into a careless murdering ass (their words, not mine).
And... The power comes back on. Gee, what drawn out conversation will we get this time? Can't use the Seth Green one, they already used that material in the movie itself instead of at the end this time. We start with it, but all the non-Seth voiced characters think Seth MacFarlane is a douche, and all the Seth-voiced ones disagree... Some zingers on Seth, I guess to get out the criticism he expected for this movie, and he hopes that people will remember the laughter, even though it's been pretty scarce in the last few years... And that's the end.
Before I get to my closing summary, let's see what the other two have to say!
MacFarlaneverse Apologist: You want me to defend this against you? Why should I, after all you have said about it – of course YOU wouldn’t like it, it’s not FOR YOU! It’s made for Family Guy fans who are also Star Wars fans. And that is why it’s full of little in-jokes for fans of the show and fans of the movie – NOT people who are just going to think that Family Guy is written by manatees. This one was made for fans, not haters – which is why it is full of running gags, not only from the first two, but the show itself. Hell, it even managed to poke fun at other shows that rely on lame cameos. And if you can’t see that, then maybe you should go back to watching Two and A Half Men. And don’t you go arguing about them having the wrong robots, or bounty hunters or whatever, this is for Family Guy fans – you want something made by obsessive Star Wars nerds, then go watch Robot Chicken – Seth Green could use the money.
I'll get to you in a moment... Superfan?
Enraged Star Wars Superfan: Did you seriously just make me sit through that shit? AND YOU, YOU APOLOGIST PIECE OF CRAP!!!! Why in god's name would you defend something like that? I'm a Star Wars fan so I know a thing or two about defending what you love.....BUT HOW IN GODS NAME COULD ANYONE LOVE THAT FAILED ABORTION OF A MOVIE WE JUST SAT THROUGH? If that's your idea of humor then you are a sad pathetic little man, please do us all a favor and never breed. You know, I didn't think there could be a bigger cancer to my beloved Star Wars Universe than its own god damn creator. But you Seth MacFarlane, you are that cancer. You have managed to suck out everything that made Star Wars fun, unique, and exciting and replace it with failed gimmicks, infantile humor, and bad writing. And why? In the name of a quick God damn buck. I used to enjoy your show, I really did. But now you have shown me a little glimpse of hell. An eternity watching this shit over and over and over again. Fuck you Seth MacFarlane; I hope you die a painful and humiliating death.
Moon's Final Thought: Now that we've had the two extremes covered, I'll wrap up this painful experience with this... Once again, the defender makes South Park references about my disapproval of this movie, which is whatever, but you will never EVER insinuate that I watch Two and a Half Men, sir! Defend this and all MacFarlane has done in the last few years all you want, but to stoop so low to imply that I watch the worst comedy on television not having to do with stupid whores beating the hell out of each other? No, does not compute... Wait, review... Yeah. I will say it's creative that you managed to get a shot in at Seth Green there, not like the movie did that enough... Regardless, I'm not a Star Wars fan, so I wasn't expecting a complete nerd-out. I was however expecting at least a watchable piece of film, and while Blue Harvest provided that, this film failed miserably.
On the other side of the coin, Superfan, it's okay. It's only an hour long, it can't hurt you anymore. I do know people who enjoyed it, and while I do not agree with them, I think it's okay if they have children with the rest of the world. I'm not thrilled with any of MacFarlane's recent work, but I do not wish him death. I suppose that is the power of screwing up Star Wars, something I will never truly comprehend, but I do not wish the man ill; rather that he return to the style that made me like his show in the first place. This is just too over the top and too much of the lowest common denominator. There are a few funny moments, even one that made me laugh out loud, but the rest of it cannot balance it out. It may not be the worst movie ever made, but it's not "so bad it's fun to watch" either. Whether he didn't really care or if that was just a joke about how no one wanted to make Return of the Jedi either, it still comes off that no thought or effort was put into this.
Seth, I know you can be a funny and likable guy. I just miss when your show was worth watching and not groaning through. Sadly, if they've given you three shows and this shit is working, I don't see it changing anytime soon. But I can hope, viewers. I can hope.
(Thank you to Shane of Film-A-Day as MacFarlaneverse Apologist, and Tom of... Iowa as Enraged Star Wars Superfan.)
jaded-hope.blogspot.com/2011/01/its-trap.html
Seth MacFarlane, oh how I used to enjoy his productions...
I remember being a big fan of Family Guy when the show first came out. The episode that always stuck with me was "Chitty Chitty Death Bang", the third episode of the first season. It established the premise for the original run of the show. Peter was the well-meaning but idiot father, Stewie was the evil genius, and the show stood out by having random cut-aways that didn't really mean anything, but were funny. They rarely added to the plot, but didn't take away from it either.
On this same token, the third installment of the Family Guy version of Star Wars, It's a Trap, to me represents where the show has fallen. The first run of the Star Wars parody with Family Guy characters was pretty decent, in line with the earlier episodes of the actual show. It was entertaining, unique, witty, and most importantly, SUBTLE. That was the greatest thing about Family Guy in its first three seasons as well; subtle humor. With the resurrection of Family Guy, and the addition of unfunny, unnecessary shows like American Dad and The Cleveland Show, it has changed from subtle to "THIS IS FUNNY! THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK IS FUNNY! SEE! LAUGH AT THIS! THIS IS FUNNY!" Where an old episode of Family Guy had me laughing through an episode (before a million reruns of episodes like To Live and Die in Dixie ruined that), recent episodes have been lucky to even draw a chuckle from me.
Peter has gotten ridiculously stupid, Lois is almost as over the top in whatever personality she chooses that week, and Stewie seems to have abandoned his evil genius in favor of being flamingly gay. Brian used to be the voice of reason, and now is just the spokesdog for Seth's political view of the week. Seth used to work in his views, but now it's so blatant and in your face that it isn't enjoyable, even if you agree with the position! It's a Trap is truly a metaphor, in comparison to Blue Harvest, for Seth MacFarlane himself, and how much this show has fallen since its inception. Look at the titles alone...
Blue Harvest- A reference to the working title of Return of the Jedi. Subtle and creative.
Something, Something, Something, Dark Side- A reference to a previous Family Guy joke. Not terrible, but not that bad.
It's a Trap- A line from the movie itself. No creativity whatsoever, just a reference. As I said in my Easy A review, referencing a good movie is not a suitable replacement for MAKING a good movie!
Before we begin, let me state for the record that I am by no means a Star Wars fan. I'm not a hater, I respect the series for what it is, but I just never got into it. Therefore, several times in this review, I will have a Star Wars fan aid me in explaining why this is insulting to fans of the original saga.
We start out with a view of the Griffin household and the sound of crickets; no doubt the appropriate response for most, if not all, of the jokes in this movie. We open with a pretty standard Family Guy joke, "and now back to <insert funny thing on TV here>." Like most newer Family Guy jokes, it could've been funny, but they kept going. It goes from possible chuckle-worthy to annoying the longer it goes. Gee, something's on TV, is the power gonna go out? Of course, we need a segue!
There goes the power, and it says something when even one of the characters in the show itself is groaning about the upcoming presentation. You know what else says something? When the parody of the epic Star Wars opening isn't a parody at all, but instead an apology. Yes, a movie's opening credits is apologizing to you before the movie even starts. Not only did you ruin possibly one of the most epic introductions in movie history, but you flat out admitted that you don't even care. You don't care, but you don't mind collecting all the money you'll get from selling this movie, nor did you seem to hold back on advertising for it before it came out. But given that enough new generation Family Guy fans seem to adore this version of the show, they probably ate this up.
We continue this script with a long explanation of why we shouldn't be upset if this sucks. Then a "wouldn't it be funny if raccoons were living in a car parked in front of me?" No Seth, it wouldn't be. This is just random rambling in place of what is supposed to set up a movie that George Lucas is actually letting you use, so I guess it's fitting that you're doing what Lucas has done to his own work; remaking and destroying it.
More raccoons in a car? Going through the explanation of how it would work? Really? That was the best intro you could think of for a Star Wars movie? I'm not even a Star Wars fan and I'm insulted by this! I wonder how real Star Wars fans feel about this. What do you think, Enraged Star Wars Superfan?
Enraged Star Wars Superfan: I think this movie is a disgrace. Granted anyone past the age of twelve will tell you that Jedi is their least favorite film, but it is still a god damn important part in the holy trinity that is Star Wars. I agree with you Mr. Critic, the first MacFarlane parody was clever in parts. It even managed to draw some uproarious laughter from yours truly. But half way through the movie it became apparent that this was just another paycheck for MacFarlane. I didn’t even bother watching his parody of Empire and I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch this piece of drek. This is nothing more than his ability to look at what’s popular and make a quick buck off it with poop and fart jokes. God damn you Seth MacFarlane….God damn you!
Now we're back to apologizing and being asked to "lower our expectations". If that's the case, how about you lower your buying price? Or, delay the release and actually take the time to make a decent product? Oh right, you're making money off of three shows in addition to this, what do you care? The truth is, Seth... I have no expectations from you anymore. I watch out of habit anymore, hoping at some point you'll release something of which I know you're capable! I've seen you on Real Time with Bill Maher; I know you're a funny and intelligent guy... Why have you stooped this low? Just to cater to the stoners and idiots that you're usually mocking to begin with that is your only audience left?
I'm already angry and we just finished the opening credits. This is a terrible sign. Time for the traditional pan down under the ship. Wow, the artwork on this piece still doesn't fail to astound me. It's a shame it's being wasted in such fashion, but damn... This is some of the best animation I've ever seen. You can barely tell the difference between the actual movie and these scenes when nobody is talking.
Hey look, there are the construction workers and contractors on the Death Star that Randall was worried about! Tyler Perry joke in the background with a black version of the Hispanic maid with Lando's last name on a movie poster... whatever.
Snow shovel joke, blah blah blah... Back to kickass animation and John Williams music, which I will enjoy until more dialogue ruins it. There's Stewie as Darth Vader, preceded by a commercial airliner-esque crowd leaving the shuttle beforehand. He's greeted by that alien from American Dad, which he acknowledges by asking if they're already out of their own characters. Haha, fourth wall joke! Too bad taking characters from an unfunny show doesn't help make this any better!
The emperor is coming, the plot hole of the Death Star's inevitability made fun of, just like they did in the first one, cutaway of the Emperor and Darth Vader at a bar where he draws a circle on a napkin and says "space station."... These were two of the most evil villains on celluloid, remember? And coming from a show that covers its own plot holes by having miraculous Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind memory erasing every week so we can begin Peter's next "I am gonna do this thing I've never done before" A-story, I've got three words for you, sir: Pot, kettle, black.
We cut to Quagmire as C3PO and Cleveland, who now has his own show, as R2-D2. He starts jumping rope. R2-D2 starts jumping rope. Let me say that again: R2-D2, the Star Wars character, is jumping rope. Are you still watching this? C3PO knocks on the door, and the voice of the Hispanic maid, a character they've already used, isn't any funnier here than that joke ever has been at any point it's ever been used. Gee, is it gonna cut him off and say he's not home? It is! Oh thank you, I was hoping we'd get to avoid that ridiculously stupid running joke! Thank you so much for using it again!
MacFarlaneverse Apologist: Have you not heard of a running gag? That is what the maid does – it’s all she does, it’s funny. Don’t complain to us when you don’t know some of the basic tenets of humor.
Who the hell let you in here? Yes, I have heard of a running gag, but I suppose I'm used to ones that are, I don't know, FUNNY! I know that's what the maid does, it wasn't funny the first time, or the 200 other times it's been used, it's just annoying! ANNOYING! I know what the most basic tenet of humor is... HUMOR!
I just realized I'm only five and a half minutes into this movie. And Star Wars fans thought Jar-Jar Binks was the worst thing to happen to the franchise...
Wow, a funny joke! Referencing the special edition release of Star Wars, a sock puppet is added to the monsters as the "extra" monsters not seen in the original. Okay, that was funny. Now, let's see how they ruin this scene, as Joe as Jabba watches the message of Luke transmitted by R2. We see Peter as Han in frozen carbonite in the mooning position, and what I presume is A Christmas Story reference as a kid gets his tongue stuck on Peter's ass. Everyone laughs, and then R2 adds in "it's tongue stuck to an ass." Thank you for demonstrating what is wrong with this show. Just in case you didn't get the visual gag, one of the characters reminds you that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY!
The second version of the Hispanic maid is running around looking for a kitty (don't ask), and gets eaten by a toad with Opie's face. He belches, end scene. Thanks, that was so necessary.
Lois as Leia sneaks into unfreeze Han Peter, and what else do we get? A fart joke. Because... well... That's what Star Wars needed to become more memorable. Han Peter continuously apologizes over a fart, no doubt a continuation of the apology for making this movie as opposed to the built up fart from being frozen, then passes out unconscious on the floor. Since Han Peter is blind, he hears Jabba's laugh and... Thinks it's the 7-UP guy. Oh, random television references with no place in the scene whatsoever, will you ever age?
"Say 'crisp and clean, no caffeine!'"
I have a better idea. Say "where's Henry Winkler, I need my water skis!" (Look it up)
Han Peter finds Chewbrian in the prison cell, because he got caught eating out of Jabba's trash... because dogs eat out of trash, get it? HA! Isn't it great that we can understand this version of Chewbacca's dialogue?
Joe Da Hut wonders how the cloaked figure gets in, and the sock puppet returns saying he let him in... Thank you, you've already ruined the joke I liked. An argument ensues between 3PO and Chris Skywalker, as the robot attempts to warn him that he's standing on a trap door. 3PO continues explaining every plot detail of the next five minutes, you know, because nobody watching this has any idea what will happen, and we can't let the plot unveil itself. Joe Da Hut hits the trap door, and Chris Skywalker is approached by his first enemy... A giant Rush Limbaugh, and they of course engage in HILARIOUS discussion. This would've been funnier if you used the "didn't know Greenberg was a Jedi name" clip from the fourth season.
R2 shows up and informs Chris that the compartment in which he keeps his lightsabre is his rectum! Yay, a fart joke and an ass joke! And so cleverly used too! Star Wars fan, how do you feel about this?
Enraged Star Wars Superfan:
…….You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!! What the fuck is this shit? I don’t even know where to start I’m so pissed off at this already. We’ve been watching this how long? Fuck it doesn’t matter. First off, this is not only a god damn insult to Star Wars but an insult to animation in general. Seriously, it takes skill to fuck up something like this. Okay, I’ll guess I’ll start with the obvious, R2 jumping rope…WHY!? I cannot begin to explain why this is fucking retarded. It’s an astromech droid. His main method of mobility is ROLLING ON FUCKING WHEELS. He can’t jump, not won’t, but is PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE.
Now let’s go back in time a bit. The whole Death Star scene just sets my teeth on edge. Mr. Critic was right, Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine are about as iconic as you can get with villains AND THAT’S THE BEST YOU COULD FUCKING DO! Why do you even fucking bother Seth? Just put Peter on the screen and have him fart for ninety minutes, that’s about the intelligence level of your audience.
Now skip forward in time. I know I’m as bad as Marvel comics with my continuity. Peter frozen in the mooning position. This one just makes me sad. Han Solo getting frozen in carbonite was a powerful scene. And the look of pure agony on his face after he was encased is heart wrenching for any true Star Wars fan. To disrespect not only the character, but the original scene itself with Peter Griffin's fat fucking ass is just disgusting. But it gets worse…..dear god it gets worse. SOMEONE LICKS THE ASS!! And not only do they lick it, they get their fucking tongue stuck to it…..why the fuck am I still here. You don’t even have to be a Star Wars nerd like me to get pissed off at this fucking garbage.
And now enter ye old fart joke. Artoo having the lightsabre in his rectum…..you know what…fuck this. I’m not even going to dignify this one.
Wow, someone unleashed the Wrath of Khan... Wait, wrong Star movie... Anyway... To make another pointless scene priceless, MacFarlane again writes an explanation of his own joke. I'm not going into it, because I'll never get done with this review if I do.
Pan to the desert, and Osama Bin Laden pops up saying "still alive!" Thanks, that was so necessary in this movie.
Predictably, the monster in this movie is a Meg-version of it. Poor Mila Kunis. Han Peter gets down and begs for mercy because it's supposed to be funny before Chris Skywalker cuts him off with the real dialogue. I'm sure all the Star Wars fans love seeing Han Solo turned into a crying little begging kid. We then take part in a parody of the "nodding, this is the plan" scene... That's still going... And going... And going... Okay, we get it, please stop... Nope, still nodding back and forth... Tuba player's even in on it... Holy shit, Caddyshack joke! Judge Smails saying "well, we're waiting!" Awesome, actually made me laugh out loud!
The battle ensues, oh look, the giant chicken is Bobo Fett... Will we have a long, drawn-out epic battle between the two? No, we get a retread of the nodding scene! Thank you, movie! I desperately needed that annoyance twice in one scene! Instead of a battle between the two Family Guy characters that are notorious for battles, we get a series of nodding and a "he fell". What? THAT is how you're going to handle this scene? That's the BEST you could come up with?
Han Peter leans over the ship to shoot at the monster while trying to save Lando Goldman, and because he's still blind, shoots him several times... which of course only hurts enough to draw "ows" and "ahs". He finally saves him, they blow everything up... Again, impressive animation on the explosions, but the overall failure of that entire scene doesn't help a lot.
Chris Skywalker then starts to head to see Yoda after an argument with Han Peter's answering machine... Yes, that did sound as dumb as I thought it would... So what could be dumber than that? R2-D2 hoarding cookies! Yes! I was hoping I'd find out that R2 is a big fan of stealing Chips Ahoy! And to counter the crinkling sounds that the cookie bag is making, Skywalker turns the ship upside down so they fall out, even though they're in zero gravity, end scene.
MacFarlaneverse Apologist: Honestly, did you not pay attention to the setup, where Peter mentions the cookies? That means they have been established in-universe. Don’t you get annoyed when you find out that people are hiding food from you? Don’t you wish you could eject their food into space – it’s called wish fulfillment. You are just some disgruntled South Park fan aren’t you, only picking on Family Guy because your boyfriends Matt and Trey told you to!
Yes, that's what I'm doing... It has nothing to do with this pitiful excuse for a movie, it's because I want to inject food into space, and because I'm disgruntled because somehow Matt and Trey have still figured out how to write an entertaining show for twice as long while Family Guy has turned into... this. Yes, brilliant. Thank you SO much for that contribution.
Meanwhile, the awesome Imperial March is playing; let's see how we can mess this up! The emperor arrives, and Darth Vader has a kid with cancer with him? The emperor feigns happiness and argues with Darth Vader about how awkward that was. Cause, you know, evil ruthless emperors are just after John Cena on the Make-a-Wish foundation hit list. But of course the Death Star is also a hotel, so the emperor goes to relax in the pool, where splashing kids annoy him into using his electric hands to fry them. It's good to know the emperor is at least nice to kids with cancer.
Meanwhile, Yoda is about to die, so he casually announces it before suddenly going hoarse. Six times, "Luuuuke", casual response from Skywalker each time with no emotion, concluded with an "okay, see ya." Yoda's dead. Luke is of course overcome with grief, until he steals Yoda's credit card and places a phone order... Did I really just type that?
Anyway, the spirit/ghost/whatever Obi-Wan is supposed to be, as Herbert the Pervert, approaches the thieving but grief-stricken Chris Skywalker. R2 does a Shaggy stutter and runs away with the old sound effect... One of the better jokes in this movie. But go ahead, and ruin it with a crude joke about old man peepee toucher, please... I'm glad to know Obi-Wan Kinobe is actually an elderly pervert who touches little boys. He tells Chris that the other Skywalker is the only other chick in the galaxy, Leia. So his sister is his mother in real life, does anyone have a banjo? Three gross sexual jokes concluded with a poop joke about Yoda's tiny toilet. SOMEBODY WROTE THIS!
New scene and "it's the only other chick in the galaxy!" Nice, since you only made that joke ten seconds ago, why not milk it again? Akbar, as a body with a goldfish in a glass for a head, I think from American Dad but I don't know considering I never made it through one episode of that show, walks on screen and immediately says "it's a trap!" Nice job, really. Why the fuck not? It's funny cause it happens later, right? Finish it off with a Jew joke, and only a half hour to go. Considering I barely made it through the Ewok scenes in the real movie, I'm sure this one will be enlightening.
MacFarlaneverse Apologist: Since you just admit to not even watching the show, I find it a little hypocritical to be throwing stones at Klaus being used. He was put in as a shout out reference for fans of all Seth’s shows, not for some pissed off South Park fan. Besides, the show is really good now; I think you’d really like it – but probably not, because it uses actual humor, not just swearing children.
Is your only argument comparing this to South Park? Have I mentioned that show in this review, besides responding to you? How did you even get on this review? But in his defense, you're right... MacFarlane never uses swearing children... mostly just a swearing infant. You're right, that defense totally makes sense.
Chris Skywalker enters in, and we get an argument we all had in, I don't know, SECOND GRADE... "I know something you don't know." Welcome to the bottom of the barrel, folks. So since Chris has to tell her about somebody, we get a cutaway of Han Peter's commercial for his employment site, Hanjobs. It's funny cause it's almost handjobs, HAHAHAHAHAHA oh please, can we have twelve more handjob puns in the next twenty seconds?
Han Peter tells Lando to be careful with the Falcon, cause it's gotten him laid a bunch of times... Cutaway to him driving the Falcon down a street to the George Lopez theme, do you even care?
Cut to the emperor, and he farts! Yay, another fart joke! Just in case you saw the first one and thought, "well, this movie only had one fart joke, I really really hope there's another one!" They talk about Luke joining the Dark Side as if it were a fraternity with initiation, end scene.
We come back to Han and crew flying close to a ship that might have Vader, so Han tells Chewbrian to fly casually... So the ship suddenly takes bird shape and walks while whistling, I'm dead serious. Then we get the scene from the trailer that played every eight seconds for a few weeks about Skywalker being on that ship, Darth pointing him out, and Chris ducking from the window sight. Seriously, didn't that clip in the trailer say all you needed to know about this?
Flying into Endor, Han asks everyone to remind him not to leave without maple syrup... cause Endor is Vermont, I guess. Han approaches a guard, stepping on a stick, bubble wrap, a fun horn, and a dog, then finally a boombox playing 2Unlimited's "Get Ready 4 This", which finally turns him around. He finally fights him off, while the other one escapes on a... girl's bicycle? They hop on more bikes, Pee Wee Herman appears and apparently it was his bike or something, don't ask.
We move on with this epic speedbike chase scene... Try not to groan at the sound of that... A clever segue into an Entertainment Tonight reference, and I don't even feel like trying to finish that sentence. More bike chase... Yay. Cut to a scene from the first movie, and a piece of Alderon flies down from the sky and hits Leia in the face. Reference I'm missing? I don't know... Moving on to more bike chase scene. Smash into each other like they're bigger machines all you want, they're still bikes. You're still trying to pass this off as a Star Wars movie. SUPERFAN?!
Enraged Star Wars Superfan: What is this…I don’t even….AGHHHHHHHH FUCK YOU FAMILY GUY!!! Seriously…seriously……SERIOUSLY!!! God I haven’t been this pissed off at something Star Wars related since Lucas shat out that cum bubble of a Clone Wars animated movie. The blatant disrespect at Yoda’s passing, using a cut rate fish character for one of the galaxies most proficient strategists, the Dark Side fraternity…..FUCK! YOU! SETH MACFARLANE!
Ugh, I don’t even want to go on with this, so I’m just going to say one thing to Mr. Critic. IT’S SPELLED KENOBI YOU JERK OFF!!
I'm guessing I'm Mr. Critic, and I didn't know how to spell it, but hey, I didn't write the movie, so leave your anger to the movie itself, not to me.
Moving along as quickly as possible, an Imperial blows up after complaining about his side hurting. Before that? Just a lot bigger dose of NOT FUNNY. Conversation about the stupid funhorn while the Ewoks approach... Gee, what reference will this be? It's a... bear? Little bear? With a weird accent? The Cleveland Show? Only not sure because five minutes into one episode of that show and I turned it off, scene closes with a period joke! For those keeping score of the lowest denominator ballgame, two fart jokes, two ass jokes, a poop joke, and now a period joke! I'm so glad Seth MacFarlane is really working in the intelligent humor for this piece.
Meanwhile, what hilarity is ensuing on the Death Star? Death Star t-shirts, of course! With a typo! I'm so glad this all-time great villain is being so well-established here! Darth Vader mentions his son, which the emperor confuses for someone named Kurt (or maybe even KIRT ANGLE! *inside joke*) which leads to more awkward conversation about Stewie implying but not denying that he's gay, extended awkward back and forth, because THIS is what Darth Vader should've really been saying. Try imagining James Earl Jones attempting to read this bullshit.
Anyway, the gang gets trapped because Chewbrian sees a... hot girl from Florida, what? And, haha, IT'S A TRAP because that's how they get caught in the nets. R2 frees them, and the Ewoks emerge ready to attack, but start to worship C3PO with a "gold guy" chant. Insert lame cultural reference here. They get taken captive, but freed with the magic of an "is this your card?" joke.
C3PO tells a story around the campfire, which is a Ewok version of the Fresh Prince theme... That is kinda funny. Skywalker tells Leia that they're brother and sister, which she knows and doesn't care that they kissed, because Alderon is the "Mississippi of the galaxy", which of course segues into... Another unfunny running gag! Yay! Instead of randomly cutting to a brief clip of Conway Twitty, this time for Star Wars' sake, we get DARTH TWITTY! Cue the Conway Twitty clip with a superimposed Darth Vader helmet. While the editing is clever, I still don't get the joke and never have.
Now we cut to the meeting of Darth Stewie and Chris Skywalker, and how do we handle it? Like a single father and son who know each other well and just chat about things, throwing out the future happenings once again. Before they go see the emperor, they're going to have tacos because Friday is taco night. Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker do a taco dance... God help me.
Setting up the battle scene, Holocaust joke about Ewoks, blah blah blah...
Back to Endor, and Han Peter uses more second grade humor with there's something on your shirt, and making out with yourself while pretending it's a girl... Wow, what a riot. Han destroys the Imperial because he has a tiny head and doesn't like people who are different, moving on...
Now, it's time for the meeting between the emperor and Skywalker... Finally, the climactic scene everyone knows. Let's see how they ruin this one. The emperor tells Skywalker his friends are walking into a TRAP, and Chris's reaction is "wow, you're white? You sounded black on the phone." I don't need to make fun of this shit, just repeating it is insulting enough.
The crew led by Han Peter takes captive some Imperial workers and, I'm not joking here... Makes them dig their own graves with their helmets. Why? "There's enough cutesy crap in this movie." Wow. Cut to the Imperials digging their graves and crying that they have a family... Han Peter tells him to stab his friend in the face, cut off his face, and wear it home to his family. Thanks for that unnecessary and grim image. Thankfully the rest of the Storm Troopers break up this snuff film waiting to happen. The guy holding a gun on him has an awesome voice, so Han has him page Pee Wee Herman again, who found his bike and rides by, end scene. GOD IS THIS THING OVER YET?!
Finally, the epic scene for which it's named... Lando's assistant is reading The Cat in the Hat, and the fish screams "it's a trap! It's a trap!" before asking whose cat is scratching at the side of the bowl.... Fifteen more minutes to go, can I just get this over with? Lando calls to the crew of the Enterprise, who are just... having tea. Okay...
Ewoks attack, battle scene! Pretty true and well done, until we get an Ewok pillow fight where the Storm Troopers strip down to bra and... I'm almost done with this movie, I'm just moving on. I just keep wondering how George Lucas approved all this. Switch to other battle scenes and now spaceships throwing pies. Just moving along... Random kid getting blown up, I guess a reference I don't get. Seth Green argument, tempting Chris Skywalker to the dark side... Pretty creative, although a weird place to use it. Though it fits the actor playing the character as opposed to the actual character, but whatever, a moment of creativity, I'll take it. Ruin it with a "joke" lightsabre... Darth Vader, ladies and gentlemen.
Back to Ewoks, and one of them eats another... Thanks for that, truly a necessary plot development... Lightsabre duel again, another gay joke... Groan. Vader panics over Skywalker falling from the rafters because of a lawsuit... Whatever, only ten minutes to go. Leia gets shot, two Storm Troopers approach, and suddenly it turns into the Improv Freeze game. Two lines, and shot bang... Kay. I’m barely reviewing this anymore; I just want to get to the end.
Chewbrian shows up in the walker machine thing, the name escapes me and I'm sure I'll get corrected by the Enraged Star Wars Superfan, but too bad I'm not giving him the chance! He blows up a squirrel, a butterfly, a hummingbird... I guess cause they're still mad at cutesy things. He shoots at a beehive, the bees attack, Han's indifferent, Chewbrian passes out.
More making fun of Seth Green, with a great line: "Did you ever see Sex Drive? Oh of course you didn't, you're a person." Still weird timing at the culmination scene for these three movies. Taunt Seth Green some more, cause that's who's playing him and it's funny I guess... He forgets that it's Luke Skywalker and not Seth Green, but let's just get on with it. Good, dueling. Stop talking, thank you. Nice impression of the real emperor's voice by Carter there.
Han blows up the shield, but it sends the Death Star into... Glitter ball mode? Ugh... Cue the "lightning hands" as Skywalker puts it. Again, such subtlety with the emperor saying "Yeah, I'm a bad guy", cause you wouldn't know that otherwise. In what was a rather emotional turning point in the real movie, Darth instead says "oh you said please, you have nice manners!" You're right Seth, you really don't care.
He throws him over the railing, because "that's the power of please," and continuing on with the battle scene, nobody's talking and the music's playing, so it looks and feels really awesome. The body of the emperor falls on the windshield, okay that got a chuckle. The climactic moment of the movie, the only scene I really enjoyed in the original version of this movie, Skywalker tries to pull the helmet off and... Breaks his neck. Then pretends he was already dead and carries him away. Really? For the most part you stuck with the original plot, but you went with that? You just broke his neck trying to take the helmet off?
Well before I get too angry about how unbelievably stupid that is, back to a cool-looking flying scene. They take out the power station, which is actually the band Power Station, it's funny cause they have the same name, blah blah blah... Death Star blows up, heroes win. Ewoks celebrate. Han asks Leia out in the lamest way ever, the Ewoks keep killing Storm Troopers while the rest dance... Oh, it's the Yub Dub dance, he used a pun by saying "shave your Yub Dub", okay... The ghosts appear from the end, with Darth Vader having a broken neck and bitching about how he was gonna make it, turning the hero of this story into a careless murdering ass (their words, not mine).
And... The power comes back on. Gee, what drawn out conversation will we get this time? Can't use the Seth Green one, they already used that material in the movie itself instead of at the end this time. We start with it, but all the non-Seth voiced characters think Seth MacFarlane is a douche, and all the Seth-voiced ones disagree... Some zingers on Seth, I guess to get out the criticism he expected for this movie, and he hopes that people will remember the laughter, even though it's been pretty scarce in the last few years... And that's the end.
Before I get to my closing summary, let's see what the other two have to say!
MacFarlaneverse Apologist: You want me to defend this against you? Why should I, after all you have said about it – of course YOU wouldn’t like it, it’s not FOR YOU! It’s made for Family Guy fans who are also Star Wars fans. And that is why it’s full of little in-jokes for fans of the show and fans of the movie – NOT people who are just going to think that Family Guy is written by manatees. This one was made for fans, not haters – which is why it is full of running gags, not only from the first two, but the show itself. Hell, it even managed to poke fun at other shows that rely on lame cameos. And if you can’t see that, then maybe you should go back to watching Two and A Half Men. And don’t you go arguing about them having the wrong robots, or bounty hunters or whatever, this is for Family Guy fans – you want something made by obsessive Star Wars nerds, then go watch Robot Chicken – Seth Green could use the money.
I'll get to you in a moment... Superfan?
Enraged Star Wars Superfan: Did you seriously just make me sit through that shit? AND YOU, YOU APOLOGIST PIECE OF CRAP!!!! Why in god's name would you defend something like that? I'm a Star Wars fan so I know a thing or two about defending what you love.....BUT HOW IN GODS NAME COULD ANYONE LOVE THAT FAILED ABORTION OF A MOVIE WE JUST SAT THROUGH? If that's your idea of humor then you are a sad pathetic little man, please do us all a favor and never breed. You know, I didn't think there could be a bigger cancer to my beloved Star Wars Universe than its own god damn creator. But you Seth MacFarlane, you are that cancer. You have managed to suck out everything that made Star Wars fun, unique, and exciting and replace it with failed gimmicks, infantile humor, and bad writing. And why? In the name of a quick God damn buck. I used to enjoy your show, I really did. But now you have shown me a little glimpse of hell. An eternity watching this shit over and over and over again. Fuck you Seth MacFarlane; I hope you die a painful and humiliating death.
Moon's Final Thought: Now that we've had the two extremes covered, I'll wrap up this painful experience with this... Once again, the defender makes South Park references about my disapproval of this movie, which is whatever, but you will never EVER insinuate that I watch Two and a Half Men, sir! Defend this and all MacFarlane has done in the last few years all you want, but to stoop so low to imply that I watch the worst comedy on television not having to do with stupid whores beating the hell out of each other? No, does not compute... Wait, review... Yeah. I will say it's creative that you managed to get a shot in at Seth Green there, not like the movie did that enough... Regardless, I'm not a Star Wars fan, so I wasn't expecting a complete nerd-out. I was however expecting at least a watchable piece of film, and while Blue Harvest provided that, this film failed miserably.
On the other side of the coin, Superfan, it's okay. It's only an hour long, it can't hurt you anymore. I do know people who enjoyed it, and while I do not agree with them, I think it's okay if they have children with the rest of the world. I'm not thrilled with any of MacFarlane's recent work, but I do not wish him death. I suppose that is the power of screwing up Star Wars, something I will never truly comprehend, but I do not wish the man ill; rather that he return to the style that made me like his show in the first place. This is just too over the top and too much of the lowest common denominator. There are a few funny moments, even one that made me laugh out loud, but the rest of it cannot balance it out. It may not be the worst movie ever made, but it's not "so bad it's fun to watch" either. Whether he didn't really care or if that was just a joke about how no one wanted to make Return of the Jedi either, it still comes off that no thought or effort was put into this.
Seth, I know you can be a funny and likable guy. I just miss when your show was worth watching and not groaning through. Sadly, if they've given you three shows and this shit is working, I don't see it changing anytime soon. But I can hope, viewers. I can hope.
(Thank you to Shane of Film-A-Day as MacFarlaneverse Apologist, and Tom of... Iowa as Enraged Star Wars Superfan.)
jaded-hope.blogspot.com/2011/01/its-trap.html
