Post by Lantlas on Jan 8, 2011 20:51:58 GMT -5
Taking a break from films today, I've decided to follow up on a topic about which I wrote a lot on my other blog. My LiveJournal, which I still use occasionally, was often a venting board for my psychotic hatred of certain advertising, and given that I'm using this blog to review things that annoy me in the general media, today I'm taking a look at some of the commercials on television right now that are nails on a chalkboard.
I'd have to say that in all of commercialdom, my biggest annoyance comes from insurance companies. At times, it seems like they're the only ones who advertise. While car insurance takes a good percentage of these obnoxious thirty second ear abortions, even life insurance makes a cameo appearance and reminds us that they can be ridiculous too.
Progressive
While all of these companies will be on this list for a multitude of reasons, this company comes first because it goes within the theme of this blog; things most people seem to love that I can't stand. Every time Flo the Progressive Lady comes on my television screen, I search for the mute button if it's live, or the fast forward button if it's DVR. Not only is this woman's voice nails on a chalkboard to begin with, but Flo is so unbelievably annoying that it makes me imagine that someone is actually sitting there penning this stuff up, and then someone else comes in and says, "what, she says 'discount' several times to a slightly effeminate nerd? BRILLIANT!"
Let's take a look at some of the "witty" dialogue in these pieces.
"Are you a safe driver? DISCOUNT!" Well, define safe driver. Doesn't everyone think they're a safe driver? Does the lady who crosses eight lanes with no turn signal think she's a bad driver? Does the guy who goes 55 in the left lane of a 65 mph highway think they're a safe driver? Of course they do! Why? Because on the road, you do everything right and everyone else is an asshole. As George Carlin once said, "have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?"
"Are you gonna buy online? DISCOUNT!" Yes, let's further contribute to the loss of jobs for humans by giving more help to that magical little machine. Way to support your agents.
Let's not forget the "YES!" the guy yelps out that sounds like a 12-year-old girl hearing that the newest Twilight movie trailer is on. And that's just one of the commercials.
The most recent abomination is an old guy mumbling about "mumbo jumbo" and "flippity flop" or whatever the hell he's saying, cause you know, all old people talk like that. At the end, she doesn't understand anything he's saying, complete with a "still not sure." Wow, that made me really want to buy car insurance.
I could go on with all of these ridiculous scenes, like the European shoulder bag or the unicorns and glitter... I haven't found a single one of these commercials even the slightest bit charming, yet I seem to get two kinds of responses to this opinion. "Flo is hot, I'd bang her." Which has a lot of total relevance toward what I'm talking about. And "I love Flo!", and clearly they're not alone, because her Facebook page has over a million fans. Life is stupid.
Geico
Geico is the company with the most commercials, because they can't decide who is going to represent them. While their television commercials are hit and miss, their radio commercials are even worse. The worst example of this is one that comes on and a voice says "the following may shock you", and then there's a guy is talking like a pirate. He says "Geico can save you hundreds on car insurance, and you know what else is shocking? I'm not a pirate. I'm a dentist. I don't even like the sea. I get motion sickness. I have to wear one of those bracelets with plastic beads!"
Wow, that was completely relevant! Thank you so much for clearly informing me what your product is and why I should give a shit about it. A dentist who talks like a pirate and has motion sickness because... his car is insured? What the flying monkey fuck does that have to do with anything?
I wish I could say their television commercials made more sense. Their main focus is"15 percent could save you 15 percent or more." To represent this, we first have a little gecko with a varying accent who does amazing things like carry a wallet and phone, doesn't know the buttons in a ballroom, and has a boss that seems to think he can fall into his arms with no problem. In other various adventures, he's used the first dollar his boss made to buy some chips, and most recently, got confused for Stanley from Toledo in 2003 by an angry middle-aged woman because... she can't distinguish between a gecko and a stupid guy. I get it, gecko kinda sounds like Geico, but once again, what the hell does this have to do with anything? Buy our car insurance, because middle-aged women will confuse you for a seven-year-old one night stand? Because geckos can carry wallets? Because the CEO of the corporation thinks the gecko can catch his falling body?
The other way they express this is by a slick looking guy in a suit asking if Geico can save you fifteen percent or more, then followed up with another rhetorical question. I will admit, some of these are really funny. They'd be even funnier if they weren't on network, and R. Lee Ermey could be free to go drill sergeant Full Metal Jacket-style, but I digress. The most annoying one of these though is "did the little piggy cry 'wee wee' all the way home?" We cut to a pig with a pinwheel, a phrase I never thought I'd use in my life, screaming "WEEE!" out the window. I'll try to leave the Deliverance jokes at the minimum in case my dad reads this and gets nightmares. Everyone found this hilarious, but I found myself like the mother in the commercial; rolling my eyes and annoyed. Why? IT'S ANNOYING!
I get that it's supposed to be a rhetorical question along with Geico saving you money, but the entire focus of the commercial has absolutely nothing to do with anything! It's essentially "could Geico save you money? Here's random things that might be funny!" I don't follow the logic at all.
State-Farm
To State Farm's credit, their commercials are not as obnoxious or in-your-face. We instead have a trustworthy guy who, like every other insurance commercial, wants to tell us how much money we can save. Are you starting to notice a theme here? We demonstrate this by a guy reminding a lady that she forgot her change in front of a magazine stand, while Trustworthy Smooth Guy tells us that they're bigger than Geico and Progressive combined. Okay, so? McDonald's is bigger than just about any restaurant, that doesn't make it good. In one of the other versions, he follows it up with "by a lot", because that really helps the case. Just for those who didn't figure out that two other big companies combined didn't equal theirs, thanks for clarifying.
Oh hey, remember how I said these weren't as obnoxious? I lied. There's another one where three teenage boys are sitting in their apartment, and by singing that little jingle, everything appears out of a poof of smoke. Don't we wish life worked like that? I guess State Farm sponsors Hogwarts now. It would be mildly entertaining if not for the fact that they get the most tone-deaf, cracking-voice people to sing this jingle, which immediately makes me forget I'm watching television and instead wish for not fingernails on a chalkboard, but an actual rusty nail. At least those don't assault my ear drums with off notes.
All-State
No complaints whatsoever. Dennis Haysbert is great, but Dean Winters is the absolute man as "mayhem", even taunting the other companies as "cut rate" and "fifteen percent insurance". As a Rescue Me fanatic, it was great just seeing him again after Johnny Gavin was killed off, but these commercials are continuously funny, and make the best point of any of them, which is essentially "hey, if you just look for the one that's the cheapest, you may be screwed!" Price isn't always the only factor, sometimes what's cheap sucks.
That's my main problem with insurance advertising; "Save this much, this percent, this many dollars!" I know I left out Nationwide, because the guy with the old-school wire phone on his pants just freaks me out, and Safe Auto, which is just "hey, we won't actually cover anything, we'll just keep the man off your back." But since every single insurance company saves you so much money, shouldn't they be paying us at this point?
Colonial Penn
You know you've seen this one. Someone's mom has just passed away, and their friend notices that check they just got in the mail. These people all then proceed to have the exact same conversation, with such natural phrases like "it's just .35 cents a day. ::gasp:: that's less than a postage stamp!" They then list the talking points, the same ones Alex Trebek will in a minute, because people talk like that I guess.
But this is only if you're between the ages of 50-85, but there is an asterisk. "Ages vary in some states." I guess some states only let you join if you're 63 and 12 days. The one thing that gets me every time is "your benefits can never go down... due to age." Oh, so it can go down for any other reason? Shits and giggles, perhaps? That's nice.
So yes, this is my second post today. If you haven't seen it yet, please check out my Superman II review posted earlier today. Thanks for reading!
jaded-hope.blogspot.com/2011/01/really-really-stupid-commercials.html