Post by Gem on Nov 20, 2014 19:20:41 GMT -5
"He's been absent lately?"
Grant's inquisitive nature was on my last nerve at the time being. Not that I didn't want to talk to him, but my focus was elsewhere. Lying ahead was the biggest match of my career, and despite the fact that I'd beaten the guy twice in a row, I knew I needed the mental wherewithal to defeat Stormm for his cherished title belt. Grant was asking about my supposed mentor LoKi, who, despite near radio silence over the last few weeks, was a North American champion once upon a time.
Still, I wasn't one to judge. I had no idea what was going on with the guy. "Absent isn't the word I'd use," I replied in earnest.
"Then which would you use? Distant? Apathetic? Indifferent?"
"Indisposed, maybe," I snapped back a bit sarcastically, hoping he'd get the point. He didn't.
"I don't know why you're snapping at me," Grant objected. "The guy is supposed to be preparing you to ascend to the next level."
"Yes."
"He has a long history with your opponent and has held the belt you intend to occupy."
"Yes."
"So let me ask you something," Grant continued his inquisition.
"Yes?"
"Where the hell is he?" Grant demanded.
"I told you I don't know," I responded. "Why is this not getting through to you?"
"Why does it need to?" I asked back. "Do you think he needs to hold my hand through this or something? I made the guy submit last week. Because it's a title match on Pay-Per-View, do I suddenly need to reinvent my strategy? Do I need LoKi to share some deep, dark secret? Do I need to have him tell me everything I need to do differently because somehow facing this guy for the third time in a row is going to be foreign territory? What's your point, Grant?"
"Defensive a bit, no?" Grant replied, not reacting to anything I'd asked him.
"What's your point, Grant?"
"Only that ever since the Joka incident, you've been on edge. I know you've been going through something, although you've yet to tell me what it is, and yet you just prod on like absolutely nothing has happened. Your mentor, the guy who you chose to hang out with over me or your Father is nowhere to be found, and yet somehow I'm the asshole in this situation," Grant muttered passive-aggressively.
"You're not an asshole because you're not there for me; you are," I snapped. "You're being an asshole because you seem to think if I pay attention to anyone but you that it's somehow an affront to you. I'm eighteen God damn years old, Grant. Am I supposed to dedicate all my time to one guy? Not to mention, am I supposed to dedicate all that time to a guy who is a friend? Have I made some commitment of which I'm unaware? What violation have I made here, Grant? Tell me, please, because I'm sick of the kicked puppy look on your face every time I don't say or do the right thing in your eyes."
Grant sulked, and I knew what was coming. "Fine, if that's the way you feel, I'll just leave now."
"For fuck's sake, Grant," I was growing increasingly angry, "stop that guilt trip right now, I'm tired of it. Instead of actually answering anything I asked, you're just going to walk away feeling sorry for yourself. I've got a championship match on my head and an opponent once again who is determined to not lose to me for the third time in a row. For all I know, he'll pull a Joka and start making out with me just to piss me off."
"Would you stop talking about that already?" Grant demanded. "You act like it was some assault of the senses. The guy kissed you and you didn't want it, I get it... But get over it already." I stood in silence, hardly believing these words were coming out of his mouth. "That's what your Auntie D keeps saying anyway, and maybe she's right."
"Get out," I coldly instructed.
"Gem, I..."
"Get... the fuck... out," I repeated without the slightest inflection. He'd crossed the line, and he had no idea how much, which infuriated me even more.
As I turned away, the door behind me slammed shut, and I was left in isolation. Honestly, at that point I preferred it. How could my own aunt say shit like that, and how could he believe it? Or was he just acting on behalf of her? Sometimes I knew why my father kept his distance. Maybe I inherited his need for long periods of time alone.
Being alone wasn't what I wanted right now though. I just didn't want to be around Grant, but Father was likely in his own place of isolation and Auntie D... well...
I stepped out into the hallway, looking around to see if anyone noticed my intrusion. I started walking, and then I kept walking, never really looking where I was going. The world started to become a blur around me, as Grant's words echoed throughout my head. "Just get over it already," I'd hear him say. How was I supposed to do that? The feeling of his face paint drenching my cheek, the sickening feeling of losing my own will, and the maniacal laugh that followed... How exactly was I supposed to put that away and just not worry about it? He'd never have to deal with something like that; it was left to me, the little girl in his eyes, to just get over something that had haunted me since the second it happened. Just get over it. Right, that was going to happen.
I found myself at the door of the training center, but to no surprise, Loki wasn't there. He hadn't been the last three times I'd tried to show up for practice. I wondered how the other little lady was doing with that kind of lethargy. I knew he also had a match waiting for him, and of course it was with Tha Joka, but it was like I didn't even exist to him anymore. His eyes had grown distant and his interest had waned. Since he'd been having trouble, what I'd been doing was none of his concern, despite us being allied in our last match. It went so far that he got himself kicked out of our match and left me to my own saving grace.
Stepping through the ropes, the wind from the slightly open door chilled my bare calves. Record temperatures had everywhere colder than usual, but in South Carolina, this was ridiculous. I leaned up against the ropes, and started running them as I always did for warm-ups. On my second bounce, Joka was right in front of me. I kept going, and ran right through the illusion. "That night was nothing compared to what I have in store for you, little girl." Bounce. "I can't wait to feel your lips pressed against mine again, Gem." Bounce. "It'll be worse for your little friends when I'm done with them." Stop.
I stood dead center in the ring, the spectre of Tha Joka peering around me, grabbing my waist, and his stubble brushing against the back of my ear. "What'cha gonna do, beat me again?"
"Every time," I replied.
"Doesn't matter, I don't care about winning. I care about being inside your head. You can't get rid of me, and that's exactly what I want. No amount of winning can help you overcome this."
"I will."
"I'm taking over your special trainer too," he muttered. "I'm going to put him to shame, and then you'll be all alone. Your friends aren't here, your auntie isn't here, and even your precious Father is nowhere to be found. You'll be all alone, all vulnerable and nervous, and that's when I'll strike, and there'll be nothing you can do to stop it."
That was enough. I turned around and took a swing, but he disappeared with another maniacal laugh. "I'm coming for you, Gem," echoed into the fading silence.
"Are you all right?" That was the one voice I knew I'd want to hear.
"Father!" I turned around, but he looked so much... younger. His eyes, normally defeated by years of anguish, were bright and full of life. His posture upright, his aura glowing; this couldn't have been a real presence of my father. Plus, how would he know to find me here? "How did you know to find me here?"
"I'm always here, with you," he clarified. Yep, definitely not my real, downtrodden father. "I'm who your father was, and what he could've been if he hadn't made the wrong decisions."
"What wrong decisions?"
"At every step of this journey you're on, you'll be faced with choices. You'll have to determine who is worth your time, who is worth trusting, and when it's best to keep your heart protected. You can't completely isolate yourself, or you'll end up like I am now."
"How are you now, Father?"
"Broken, a shell... A shell that likely won't be cracked. Even Grant has the best intentions of breaking it, but you and I both know that's not what it'll take."
"What will it take?" I asked.
"You."
"Me?" I repeated.
"You, you going out there and doing all the things I could not, because I chose to remain in isolation. Because I was burned, I did not trust. Because others didn't meet my expectations, I quit expecting things. Your trainer, for instance, likely has a lot on his plate right now, but I don't think a little girl is his first choice as a method of catharsis. He likely doesn't want to burden you with his problems."
"How do you know, Father?" That legitimately made sense, but I still had to know why.
"Because that's exactly how I would've handled it," he responded. "Fade away, keep it all inside, only let it out when nobody else is around... that does nobody any good. He may not trust you right away, and it may never happen, but if you let him know you're there, it just might."
"Can I do this? I mean, can I go into a championship match against someone who has been there for years and take it away from him? Something even my mentor was unable to do, can I repeat what I've done against Tha Joka and twice against Michaels?"
"You don't need to ask that question," he assured me. "Regardless of what the voices surrounding you are saying, you know what you can do, and you know what you're capable of. I know my daughter can walk into a match with anyone in this company and come out victorious, whether or not their expectations are lowered. And, honestly, if they're still lowered after all you've done here, that's on them."
"Thanks, Father," I responded, wishing I could hug him but knowing none of this is real. "I just have one more thing to ask you."
"Yes?"
"Will you ever be like this again?"
He turned away, almost hiding his embarrassment. It was strange, I didn't think mirages could do that. "Anything's possible," he finally answered.
"Vague as always, you really are my father," I laughed.
He smiled, and just like that, I was alone in the ring again. Fortunately, there was also no Joka.
For some strange reason, I decided to step outside the door for a few minutes. A stranger walked by, and despite the rock I felt on my chest getting heavier and heavier by the second, I took two steps forward and waved. He didn't see me, so I managed to squeak out a meek "Hi."
The stranger turned, smiled, and said, "Hello, Gem," as he continued walking. I couldn't believe it, I'd finally spoken to a complete stranger! Maybe someday I'd be able to talk to one of the interviewers for PCW! If I could only figure out why I was so easily able to talk to the people I knew, PCW would get to know that I had a personality as well!
I returned to my routine, starting over again, and that's when the door slammed shut. I turned around, expecting to finally see LoKi, but to my surprise, there was Grant. My smile quickly faded. "What are you doing here?"
"Helping you," he replied, dropping his heavy coat and revealing gym wear. He stepped up to the ring, through the ropes, and met me in the center.
"What exactly are you going to do to help me prepare for Stormm?" I asked.
"I don't know, but whatever it takes to prepare you, I'll do what I can."
Finally, this is what I'd hoped for in a friend. "Okay, lock up with me," I instructed.
We circled around twice, and them came to the collar-and-elbow tie-up. Before I could tell him the next thing to do, he swept behind me and wrenched my arm, sending me the whole way to the mat. I looked up to see the smug smile on his face, and realized he'd known more than he'd let on the entire time we'd known each other.
"All right Grant, I'm not taking it easy on you," I warned.
"You better not, or I'll beat the best out of you. You've got a title match to be ready for."
Grant's inquisitive nature was on my last nerve at the time being. Not that I didn't want to talk to him, but my focus was elsewhere. Lying ahead was the biggest match of my career, and despite the fact that I'd beaten the guy twice in a row, I knew I needed the mental wherewithal to defeat Stormm for his cherished title belt. Grant was asking about my supposed mentor LoKi, who, despite near radio silence over the last few weeks, was a North American champion once upon a time.
Still, I wasn't one to judge. I had no idea what was going on with the guy. "Absent isn't the word I'd use," I replied in earnest.
"Then which would you use? Distant? Apathetic? Indifferent?"
"Indisposed, maybe," I snapped back a bit sarcastically, hoping he'd get the point. He didn't.
"I don't know why you're snapping at me," Grant objected. "The guy is supposed to be preparing you to ascend to the next level."
"Yes."
"He has a long history with your opponent and has held the belt you intend to occupy."
"Yes."
"So let me ask you something," Grant continued his inquisition.
"Yes?"
"Where the hell is he?" Grant demanded.
"I told you I don't know," I responded. "Why is this not getting through to you?"
"Why does it need to?" I asked back. "Do you think he needs to hold my hand through this or something? I made the guy submit last week. Because it's a title match on Pay-Per-View, do I suddenly need to reinvent my strategy? Do I need LoKi to share some deep, dark secret? Do I need to have him tell me everything I need to do differently because somehow facing this guy for the third time in a row is going to be foreign territory? What's your point, Grant?"
"Defensive a bit, no?" Grant replied, not reacting to anything I'd asked him.
"What's your point, Grant?"
"Only that ever since the Joka incident, you've been on edge. I know you've been going through something, although you've yet to tell me what it is, and yet you just prod on like absolutely nothing has happened. Your mentor, the guy who you chose to hang out with over me or your Father is nowhere to be found, and yet somehow I'm the asshole in this situation," Grant muttered passive-aggressively.
"You're not an asshole because you're not there for me; you are," I snapped. "You're being an asshole because you seem to think if I pay attention to anyone but you that it's somehow an affront to you. I'm eighteen God damn years old, Grant. Am I supposed to dedicate all my time to one guy? Not to mention, am I supposed to dedicate all that time to a guy who is a friend? Have I made some commitment of which I'm unaware? What violation have I made here, Grant? Tell me, please, because I'm sick of the kicked puppy look on your face every time I don't say or do the right thing in your eyes."
Grant sulked, and I knew what was coming. "Fine, if that's the way you feel, I'll just leave now."
"For fuck's sake, Grant," I was growing increasingly angry, "stop that guilt trip right now, I'm tired of it. Instead of actually answering anything I asked, you're just going to walk away feeling sorry for yourself. I've got a championship match on my head and an opponent once again who is determined to not lose to me for the third time in a row. For all I know, he'll pull a Joka and start making out with me just to piss me off."
"Would you stop talking about that already?" Grant demanded. "You act like it was some assault of the senses. The guy kissed you and you didn't want it, I get it... But get over it already." I stood in silence, hardly believing these words were coming out of his mouth. "That's what your Auntie D keeps saying anyway, and maybe she's right."
"Get out," I coldly instructed.
"Gem, I..."
"Get... the fuck... out," I repeated without the slightest inflection. He'd crossed the line, and he had no idea how much, which infuriated me even more.
As I turned away, the door behind me slammed shut, and I was left in isolation. Honestly, at that point I preferred it. How could my own aunt say shit like that, and how could he believe it? Or was he just acting on behalf of her? Sometimes I knew why my father kept his distance. Maybe I inherited his need for long periods of time alone.
Being alone wasn't what I wanted right now though. I just didn't want to be around Grant, but Father was likely in his own place of isolation and Auntie D... well...
I stepped out into the hallway, looking around to see if anyone noticed my intrusion. I started walking, and then I kept walking, never really looking where I was going. The world started to become a blur around me, as Grant's words echoed throughout my head. "Just get over it already," I'd hear him say. How was I supposed to do that? The feeling of his face paint drenching my cheek, the sickening feeling of losing my own will, and the maniacal laugh that followed... How exactly was I supposed to put that away and just not worry about it? He'd never have to deal with something like that; it was left to me, the little girl in his eyes, to just get over something that had haunted me since the second it happened. Just get over it. Right, that was going to happen.
I found myself at the door of the training center, but to no surprise, Loki wasn't there. He hadn't been the last three times I'd tried to show up for practice. I wondered how the other little lady was doing with that kind of lethargy. I knew he also had a match waiting for him, and of course it was with Tha Joka, but it was like I didn't even exist to him anymore. His eyes had grown distant and his interest had waned. Since he'd been having trouble, what I'd been doing was none of his concern, despite us being allied in our last match. It went so far that he got himself kicked out of our match and left me to my own saving grace.
Stepping through the ropes, the wind from the slightly open door chilled my bare calves. Record temperatures had everywhere colder than usual, but in South Carolina, this was ridiculous. I leaned up against the ropes, and started running them as I always did for warm-ups. On my second bounce, Joka was right in front of me. I kept going, and ran right through the illusion. "That night was nothing compared to what I have in store for you, little girl." Bounce. "I can't wait to feel your lips pressed against mine again, Gem." Bounce. "It'll be worse for your little friends when I'm done with them." Stop.
I stood dead center in the ring, the spectre of Tha Joka peering around me, grabbing my waist, and his stubble brushing against the back of my ear. "What'cha gonna do, beat me again?"
"Every time," I replied.
"Doesn't matter, I don't care about winning. I care about being inside your head. You can't get rid of me, and that's exactly what I want. No amount of winning can help you overcome this."
"I will."
"I'm taking over your special trainer too," he muttered. "I'm going to put him to shame, and then you'll be all alone. Your friends aren't here, your auntie isn't here, and even your precious Father is nowhere to be found. You'll be all alone, all vulnerable and nervous, and that's when I'll strike, and there'll be nothing you can do to stop it."
That was enough. I turned around and took a swing, but he disappeared with another maniacal laugh. "I'm coming for you, Gem," echoed into the fading silence.
"Are you all right?" That was the one voice I knew I'd want to hear.
"Father!" I turned around, but he looked so much... younger. His eyes, normally defeated by years of anguish, were bright and full of life. His posture upright, his aura glowing; this couldn't have been a real presence of my father. Plus, how would he know to find me here? "How did you know to find me here?"
"I'm always here, with you," he clarified. Yep, definitely not my real, downtrodden father. "I'm who your father was, and what he could've been if he hadn't made the wrong decisions."
"What wrong decisions?"
"At every step of this journey you're on, you'll be faced with choices. You'll have to determine who is worth your time, who is worth trusting, and when it's best to keep your heart protected. You can't completely isolate yourself, or you'll end up like I am now."
"How are you now, Father?"
"Broken, a shell... A shell that likely won't be cracked. Even Grant has the best intentions of breaking it, but you and I both know that's not what it'll take."
"What will it take?" I asked.
"You."
"Me?" I repeated.
"You, you going out there and doing all the things I could not, because I chose to remain in isolation. Because I was burned, I did not trust. Because others didn't meet my expectations, I quit expecting things. Your trainer, for instance, likely has a lot on his plate right now, but I don't think a little girl is his first choice as a method of catharsis. He likely doesn't want to burden you with his problems."
"How do you know, Father?" That legitimately made sense, but I still had to know why.
"Because that's exactly how I would've handled it," he responded. "Fade away, keep it all inside, only let it out when nobody else is around... that does nobody any good. He may not trust you right away, and it may never happen, but if you let him know you're there, it just might."
"Can I do this? I mean, can I go into a championship match against someone who has been there for years and take it away from him? Something even my mentor was unable to do, can I repeat what I've done against Tha Joka and twice against Michaels?"
"You don't need to ask that question," he assured me. "Regardless of what the voices surrounding you are saying, you know what you can do, and you know what you're capable of. I know my daughter can walk into a match with anyone in this company and come out victorious, whether or not their expectations are lowered. And, honestly, if they're still lowered after all you've done here, that's on them."
"Thanks, Father," I responded, wishing I could hug him but knowing none of this is real. "I just have one more thing to ask you."
"Yes?"
"Will you ever be like this again?"
He turned away, almost hiding his embarrassment. It was strange, I didn't think mirages could do that. "Anything's possible," he finally answered.
"Vague as always, you really are my father," I laughed.
He smiled, and just like that, I was alone in the ring again. Fortunately, there was also no Joka.
For some strange reason, I decided to step outside the door for a few minutes. A stranger walked by, and despite the rock I felt on my chest getting heavier and heavier by the second, I took two steps forward and waved. He didn't see me, so I managed to squeak out a meek "Hi."
The stranger turned, smiled, and said, "Hello, Gem," as he continued walking. I couldn't believe it, I'd finally spoken to a complete stranger! Maybe someday I'd be able to talk to one of the interviewers for PCW! If I could only figure out why I was so easily able to talk to the people I knew, PCW would get to know that I had a personality as well!
I returned to my routine, starting over again, and that's when the door slammed shut. I turned around, expecting to finally see LoKi, but to my surprise, there was Grant. My smile quickly faded. "What are you doing here?"
"Helping you," he replied, dropping his heavy coat and revealing gym wear. He stepped up to the ring, through the ropes, and met me in the center.
"What exactly are you going to do to help me prepare for Stormm?" I asked.
"I don't know, but whatever it takes to prepare you, I'll do what I can."
Finally, this is what I'd hoped for in a friend. "Okay, lock up with me," I instructed.
We circled around twice, and them came to the collar-and-elbow tie-up. Before I could tell him the next thing to do, he swept behind me and wrenched my arm, sending me the whole way to the mat. I looked up to see the smug smile on his face, and realized he'd known more than he'd let on the entire time we'd known each other.
"All right Grant, I'm not taking it easy on you," I warned.
"You better not, or I'll beat the best out of you. You've got a title match to be ready for."
