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Post by Stormm on Apr 24, 2015 19:01:45 GMT -5
Alrighty, well, I just wanted to toss out some random feedback this go around, which is something I always mean to do, but just don't ever get around to. The first two RPs I read this evening (which I typically always try to post my RP before reading anyone else's) were my opponents, so here we go...
"April..." & "Stupor" by @darkestearth
So, the biggest thing that I liked and dislike about your work are kind of along the same lines here. It may seem a little hypocritical, but I like that you are really pushing your character on us right out of the gates, being new to PCW and all. It gives us all an in your face idea of who Kristoff is, but at the same time, maybe you are pushing it too much? These two pieces did work well individually, "April..." giving us more of a loot at Michaelson the wrestler, while "Stupor" seemed to give us a glimpse at Kristoff, the man outside of the squared circle. What seemed to really hurt from my point of view was that you split these two ideas us, rather than working them together into one roleplay. Splitting them up was good, but putting them together could have been great! You don't always have to distinguish between the wrestler and the man, and sometimes (probably more times than not) combining the two into one piece really makes the read even more worthwhile.
Like it is always said, quality over quantity... but sometimes the quality can suffer when you sacrifice quantity. If that makes sense at all I guess? I really felt short-changed a bit with your first roleplay, like there could have been more to it. The writing was well done (I am never one to give feedback based on spelling and grammar, though), but it seemed to fall short somewhere; which is where I enjoyed your second roleplay a little better. The writing was on par with the first, but had a little more meat and potatoes to it than the first.
All in all, you do a good job of giving us an idea of who the character is without giving it in excess, while leaving just enough there to make us want to read the next piece.
Definitely looking forward to our match next week!
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Joka
PCW Veteran
Posts: 382
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Post by Joka on Apr 24, 2015 19:15:07 GMT -5
Nathan Saniti - Land Of Confusion - Chapter Two
Two words... FUCK YOU! Yer too damn good and I hate you and I hope you get stung by a bee soon!
Seriously... I'm not joking! Yer too damn good!
But I had a blast writing this roleplay and going up against cha! I'd be surprised if I advance in the Tourney.
Now leave me alone... Imma go play Pokemon!
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Post by Nathan Saniti on Apr 24, 2015 19:51:25 GMT -5
If it makes you feel any worse (and I do/don't hope it does/doesn't) you've got me sweating this. Pressure's on for sure.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2015 19:55:59 GMT -5
I'm going to do a BUNCH of feedback tomorrow guys. Going to try and hit as many as I can
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on Apr 24, 2015 21:01:53 GMT -5
Thank you Authority Figure. I'm always grateful when someone notices me.
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Post by Nathan Saniti on Apr 24, 2015 21:53:03 GMT -5
Thank you Authority Figure. I'm always grateful when someone notices me. *shakes Gem violently by the shoulders* FROGS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Also, you'd get noticed more if you weren't trying to imitate wallpaper.
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Post by Eira on Apr 24, 2015 21:55:01 GMT -5
Thank you Authority Figure. I'm always grateful when someone notices me. *shakes Gem violently by the shoulders* FROGS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Also, you'd get noticed more if you weren't trying to imitate wallpaper. Even adhesive wallpaper isn't that self effacing.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on Apr 24, 2015 22:04:26 GMT -5
Thank you Authority Figure. I'm always grateful when someone notices me. *shakes Gem violently by the shoulders* FROGS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Also, you'd get noticed more if you weren't trying to imitate wallpaper. It's not intentional, I just don't have a lot to say.
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Gem
PCW Veteran
Posts: 279
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Post by Gem on Apr 24, 2015 22:07:05 GMT -5
Buck Brochamp - I know your RP doesn't count, but I seriously can't tell if you're trolling or if you're serious, and that's not a good thing. In case this is legit, I have a few quick things to say.
1. Proofread. Please.
2. You're not John Cena and/or Roman Reigns. Come up with your own catch phrases.
3. In-ring promos are not RPs.
4. The OOC board is exactly what it means, OOC. Nothing referenced there is in canon with PCW events because it's, like the name implies, out of character.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2015 4:45:10 GMT -5
Alrighty, well, I just wanted to toss out some random feedback this go around, which is something I always mean to do, but just don't ever get around to. The first two RPs I read this evening (which I typically always try to post my RP before reading anyone else's) were my opponents, so here we go... "April..." & "Stupor" by @darkestearthSo, the biggest thing that I liked and dislike about your work are kind of along the same lines here. It may seem a little hypocritical, but I like that you are really pushing your character on us right out of the gates, being new to PCW and all. It gives us all an in your face idea of who Kristoff is, but at the same time, maybe you are pushing it too much? These two pieces did work well individually, "April..." giving us more of a loot at Michaelson the wrestler, while "Stupor" seemed to give us a glimpse at Kristoff, the man outside of the squared circle. What seemed to really hurt from my point of view was that you split these two ideas us, rather than working them together into one roleplay. Splitting them up was good, but putting them together could have been great! You don't always have to distinguish between the wrestler and the man, and sometimes (probably more times than not) combining the two into one piece really makes the read even more worthwhile. Like it is always said, quality over quantity... but sometimes the quality can suffer when you sacrifice quantity. If that makes sense at all I guess? I really felt short-changed a bit with your first roleplay, like there could have been more to it. The writing was well done (I am never one to give feedback based on spelling and grammar, though), but it seemed to fall short somewhere; which is where I enjoyed your second roleplay a little better. The writing was on par with the first, but had a little more meat and potatoes to it than the first. All in all, you do a good job of giving us an idea of who the character is without giving it in excess, while leaving just enough there to make us want to read the next piece. Definitely looking forward to our match next week! Thanks for the feedback! To be honest, this weeks of role-play were meant to be one role-play rather than two but I couldn't get my head round what I wanted to do. I knew the end product, just not the journey and was worried that it wouldn't click into after the deadline and I would have no showed. Thank you very much for the pointers though and I will definitely be incorporating them from now, especially now that I know the journey I want to take the reader on, can't wait for the result not saying I'm going to win but hoping its at least close lol
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2015 16:41:26 GMT -5
Feedback time, as promised! For some of you this will be my first experience reading your stuff. Feel free to educate me to any confusion and let me know if I'm missing any obvious traits of your character.
Exodus 21:25 : How do you pronounce it anyway? Ee-ra? Eye-ra? Yee-ra? It's the first one in my head. Oh man, yeah, what a fantastic opening paragraph. Right away our central theme is established, the tone of the entire thing is stamped down instantly. The bitterness about Gem being given a world title shot was a nice touch. I would have liked to have seen mention of the fact that Gem is the current superstar spotlight on the website, so it's clear the company has high hopes The paragraph starting with "the day was coming" was heartwrenching stuff. Eira is NOT good at dealing with this stuff. It feels...alien, frankly. Every time we get an explanation of how Murdoc being gone is hurting her, there's this underlying feeling for me like she doesn't quite understand why it hurts so bad. Fantastic close to a fantastic promo. Well done.
The Hand of God!!!!: Weird opening line. I get what you were saying, but it's weirdly flowery and kind of unneccessary. "Time had passed since he got there" is basically what you're saying and it's like...well, duh. That happens. Sometimes the stuff I enjoy most in fedding is the little lines that I might read too much into. The word "Warped" is great here. His mind needs to be "warped" for him to understand. He knows he's going to a dangerous place. I don't know how I felt about the actual speaking in this piece. Mostly because I think it suffers from some of the same problems my stuff does. It's been hit hard by the Nolan Ray. No one has a simple conversation, everything is all WEIGHTY and SIGNIFICANT. Now, me, I love that stuff. This is right up my alley. But I can see other people not digging it as much. I would have liked more mention of Seth, but otherwise this was okay. Probably in the 7 or 8 range. Above average, for sure.
Writing On The Wall: Oooh man, I knew I was going to have some fun with this one when the description of the forest started. This is such a great little bit of immediate character building. The points of comparison he uses are stuff like unicorns and wood nymphs. And like, as a reader you're like "Why would THOSE be the first place you would go? Why WOULD that stuff be there?" and then you have this moment of realization where you're like, you might not think that way but Phinehas totally would. Someone has to explain to me that book. The Death's Head in the Margins? What the hell is going on there? It got me super interested, no doubt. Yeaaah, I'm loving this. 3/3 PCW. 3/3.
Rags to Riches: There are a lot of commas, some distracting punctuation, in the opening here, in this promo it made it somewhat difficult for me, your humble writer, to read this to myself as it threw off the entire beat, the pace, of the work. But seriously, it was nice here to get a sense of the how important wins and losses were to Seth. In all the other RP's on the show so far, everyone has all these awesome establishing character stuff going on but this is the first time where I felt like someone said winning and losing as a wrestler was a big deal. I snickered a bit at "He certainly looked the part, whatever the part was." That's a dude who thinks his looks ALWAYS work, no matter what. How the hell does the PCW board have the power to freeze a private citizens bank account though? That's pretty out there. I mean, PCW isn't the government or..SHIELD or something. His stress about getting a cab was great. The repeated use of "foxy suit" might have been the best part of this thing for showing off his self confidence. Another solid piece of work.
Land of Confusion - Chapter 2: This one was...intimidating frankly. You have to be sort of prepared to dive into Saniti stuff. I was not, and so this will not be the most useful review in the world. I suppose it's a good thing that this left with a sort of hazy, confused feeling. I wasn't sure of what was real and what wasn't. There were times it broke or at least clawed at the fourth wall. I like how Nathan sort of just walked all wide eyed up to buy the ticket, as though he were entranced. Very nice stuff. This was fun, though I'm not the best guy to review it.
April...: It's hard not to get Bray Wyatt vibes from this. It's not just the messiah complex stuff, it's also the use of lighting as a main focus and glitching camera images with disappearing followers. That is, of course, not neccessarily a bad thing. Nor is it a bad thing that this is probably the most straight TV style wrestling promo yet. It's the most focused one of the night so far. He has clear goals, win the world title and use it as an opportunity to bring his beliefs to the wider audience. That's a good thing. I enjoyed that a lot in a night filled with outside the business drama happening in other people's stuff. My one thing is that the paragraph about Amy seemed sort of useless, frankly. This was good though. I wasn't bored.
Arctic Fox, It's A Setup: Oooh. First person. Interesting. The advantage here, of course, is that you don't need to awkwardly throw in side characters for big monologues. You can just have it in the narration. I've never read a Gem promo before. She doesn't like to speak? Ever? Intriguing. That's what I got anyway. There's this amazing grim determination here, this constant feeling of "me against the world" in this. But that doesn't sway Gem. She knows it. She's been there. Make the odds whatever you want. I liked the repeated use of "little girl". There's so much contempt wrapped up in that phrase, it's awesome. I like that PCW allows characters like this. Some other feds would roll their eyes at a former assassin but they'd be robbing themselves of such interesting stuff. I LOVED this. Over the moon about it. Great work
Last Minute Ramblings. In My Head: Ack, this one's also going to give me trouble. These forth wally things Ack. Sadistic's easy to dislike. Just an absolute ass, holding recent events over Saniti's head The stuff about his girl living him? Yeah, bad, sure. Standard bad guy stuff. But there was a real sense of escalation when he started calling him a walking curse. Like, man, as a fan I'd be like "That's too far" because that's where it all gets nuts. I didn't like the random member of Buck Brochamp, because seriously the dude's an obvious troll and I don't know why we're paying attention to him. Good work. Probably the most unlikeable guy on the roster so far.
Warden of Wayward Souls: Chapter 13 : I love bar and restaurant promos, I don't care how common they are. They're a nice, simple setting. I dig them. I appreciated the summary of the last few weeks. It was an easy way to get me engaged in this thing. Not much to say here really. This was good, but for some reason it just didn't capture me the way some of the others did. Maybe the whole dream thing just came across as a little eh when I just went through Sadistic and Santini's weird mind fuckery. I don't know. I just couldn't get absorbed in this, even with a few clever lines (Especially "Instead, he got the force of nature" Real subtle badass boast there). Solid, if unspectacular.
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Post by Eira on Apr 25, 2015 17:47:47 GMT -5
I would have liked to have seen mention of the fact that Gem is the current superstar spotlight on the website, so it's clear the company has high hopes. It was given a nod with the "Gem was recently reviewed in a prominent featurette" bit. I'm not actually sure if the Superstar Spotlight thing is IC or OOC so I didn't want to put it in there by name. ( A Ghost in the Wind, IS it IC or OOC or both?) xD Thank you so much for the great feedback, for my Eira (Eye-ra, btw) RP and everyone else's. I'll be shooting you back some RP on your LIGHT pieces for T171 sometime tonight. ^_^
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Post by Seth Archer on Apr 26, 2015 14:54:21 GMT -5
Rags to Riches: There are a lot of commas, some distracting punctuation, in the opening here, in this promo it made it somewhat difficult for me, your humble writer, to read this to myself as it threw off the entire beat, the pace, of the work. But seriously, it was nice here to get a sense of the how important wins and losses were to Seth. In all the other RP's on the show so far, everyone has all these awesome establishing character stuff going on but this is the first time where I felt like someone said winning and losing as a wrestler was a big deal. I snickered a bit at "He certainly looked the part, whatever the part was." That's a dude who thinks his looks ALWAYS work, no matter what. How the hell does the PCW board have the power to freeze a private citizens bank account though? That's pretty out there. I mean, PCW isn't the government or..SHIELD or something. His stress about getting a cab was great. The repeated use of "foxy suit" might have been the best part of this thing for showing off his self confidence. Another solid piece of work. Allow me to explain! PCW did not freeze his assets, Stacy and Seth's company (of which Stacy is CEO) froze his assets. Seth's money is all from the riches his family earned and the board can freeze it whenever they see fit until Seth reaches a certain age and gains full access to his finances! I hope this makes a little more sense!
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Post by Eira on May 3, 2015 0:28:09 GMT -5
I'll be shooting you back some RP on your LIGHT pieces for T171 sometime tonight. ^_^ So uh. I'll be doing this tomorrow. Today? Tomorrow? Sunday.
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Post by Loki on May 3, 2015 14:16:27 GMT -5
I'll be shooting you back some RP on your LIGHT pieces for T171 sometime tonight. ^_^ So uh. I'll be doing this tomorrow. Today? Tomorrow? Sunday. Any chance I can get some feedback as well?
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Post by Eira on May 3, 2015 14:34:15 GMT -5
So uh. I'll be doing this tomorrow. Today? Tomorrow? Sunday. Any chance I can get some feedback as well? Yeah, if you do feedback on at least one of mine (Dollface or Eira, your choice). xD
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Post by Eira on May 3, 2015 16:31:45 GMT -5
@light Patch of LandThe scene was set right off the bat, the tension and conflict made clear but with a little bit of humor in the form of Lily thrown in to keep it from being too heavy. I did get hung up on this sentence: "Someone had have gotten hit?" I'm pretty sure you meant that "If someone had gotten hit?" or "Had someone gotten hit?" or "If someone gets hit?" or any variation, but I read the original a few times just to make sure I wasn't just reading it wrong. Little bit of homophone misfires here and there (your/you're), but overall your spelling and grammar are great. "Life is a story we're all writing"? Very meta. xD While I understand (and use the hell out of) the mechanism of using an "NPC" to sell match relevance, I have no idea why this Becker guy entertained LIGHT's conversation about Steel and PCW for that long if Becker is half as badass as the RP wants us to believe. It's... implausible to me, but far from impossible. Either way, very good storytelling. I did notice a lot of start-stop-start-stop shorter sentences/sentence fragments that broke up the flow for me a bit, but nothing too untoward. I'll be interested to see where things go for LIGHT.
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Post by Loki on May 3, 2015 16:32:17 GMT -5
Any chance I can get some feedback as well? Yeah, if you do feedback on at least one of mine (Dollface or Eira, your choice). xD Seeing as how you said mine ended eerily similar to Eira, I think I'll do that one.
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Post by Loki on May 3, 2015 16:56:55 GMT -5
Exodus 21:25: The pain in this is palpable. Eira's growing sense of desperation and fatigue make this piece almost hard to read. Her anger at the seeming unfairness of Gem getting the jump over everyone else in the roster is definitely a sticking point. You can damn near see the venom in those words. Her coping mechanism in the end though is what really got me. As someone who used to cut themselves I really felt for what she was going through and could almost feel those shudders of relief.
As for the cons; not much to be honest. A bit of a shorter piece but hey, it's not like you don't have a bajillion other things going on outside of PCW so that's not so much a con as it is just making a note. The only other thing I noticed was a sentence that just didn't seem to flow right. "But Gem, Frank Foley’s little darling, leapfrogged over a third of the roster... inexplicably, Gem somehow had."
In conclusion, this piece actually reminds me of a lot of Nate's early works. You didn't mince words and make the piece feel bloated, but you still evoked a multitude of emotions and painted a horribly vivid picture of despair.
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Post by Loki on May 3, 2015 17:02:50 GMT -5
Also, I'll get rp feedback up for the next show as more people start posting, but if anyone would like feedback from this show I'm happy to do it. All I ask in return is a little feedback as well.
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